torn between 2 men

caoimhecute

Long story but to make it short, my boyfriend decided a year ago to go to australia for 18months. we are both 28. at that time we were together over 4 years and very much in love. we've been in constant contact since he left. before he left we both agreed that we would set each other free for the 18months but not tell each other of any romance etc so as not to hurt the other. so we have been best friends ever since, texting and ringing on a daily basis.
however the problem is that i met somebody else who i have also grown very fond of. we've been together for over 9 months now and my head is in an awful place. on one hand i would miss my boyfriend in australia so much should we part and on the other i have feelings for the 2nd fella, also 28 and from asia.

so i am in an awful predicament and need help. what do i do? do i stay with my current boyfriend or go back to the first in 6months when he returns? im so headwrecked! i definitely have feelings for my current boyfriend because he has completely distracted me and entertained me since my previous boyfriend left. the first 3 months after my boyfriend went to oz, i was depressed and obsessed with contacting him. now sometimes i forget to text him!

i decided to make out a list of the pros and cons with each man to help people to advise me in my decision:

boyfriend in australia
his pros:
1. he is very generous and looks after me really well, always buying me whatever i wish for
2. he cares about me very much about my health and safety
3. we get along like a house on fire most of the time and are grate friends
4. i cannot imagine not talking to him regularly
5. i love him an care about him

his cons:
1. due to having met the 2nd man, i'm afraid most of the spark is gone and i don't fancy him as much as i did in the past
2. i find myself not getting jealous with his actions and not being as fixated on him as i was
3. he is inconsiderate towards me and never cared when i suffered from serious problems in the past. he would turn a blind eye to them
4. he is horrible when he's drunk and i don't enjoy drinking with him
5. he never kept plans we would make and sometimes be unable to contact for long periods of time (i could be partly to blame for this as i was quite needy)
6. he hates to cuddle

new boyfriends pros:
1. he listens to me really well
2. he cares about me and my health and safety
3. i have strong feelings for him
4. i fancy him and love him
5. he is very sensitive and unlike the first man, gets hurt by bad words or actions and gets jealous if i talk to other guys
6. he is very affectionate and loves to lie in my arms for hours

his cons:
1. he is VERY greedy with money- this is his only major con but then maybe thats because i have only known him a year so maybe the lusty specks are still on. however when i see this greedy side to him, i get turned off and think i can't live longterm with it. for example he will never treat me to anything and always expects me to pay even for him. when we go to a movie theatre, he'll just stand there and wait for me to pay for both of us. i mentioned it to him before but he gives me a self pity story even though he has a full time job paying the same rate as mine. i just wonder would he ever change in this respect. this negative trait makes my decision hard as my previous boyfriend was always so kind so i suppose im not accustomed to this lifestyle of paying for everything
2. i wonder does he really care about me when he's asking me to buy him things with false claims to pay me back and never pays me back
3. theres a doubt that maybe he's only with me because i'm a european woman who can help his career prospects as opposed to an asian woman..

Ickle Magoo

My advice to you would be the same to anyone who's torn between two people - if you can't have both then don't have either because they clearly don't have enough pro's to draw you to them explicitly, so (if that's the kind of relationship you want) keep looking for someone who does.

All the best. :cool:

Daved_XB

Hi Op, I couldn't help but notice that with the pro/con list for your Boyfriend currently in Australia point 2 of his Pro list contradicts with point 3 of his Con list

Pro 2. he cares about me very much about my health and safety

Con 3. he is inconsiderate towards me and never cared when i suffered from serious problems in the past. he would turn a blind eye to them

I wonder if your Pro list was written looking back with rose tinted glasses & then your Con list was more a real view on how things really where between you?

Your question of will your new Boyfriend change with regards to his spending habits.. all I can say to that is never ever enter a relationship expecting or hoping for someone to change for you... they never will, they may try but they will not like you for making them change & you run the risk of constant disappointment when that change is not permanent

You've taken a very analytical approach to this with your pro/con list.. perhaps the next step for you is to weight the score of the different attributes that your looking for in a mate & then see who comes out on top...

Personally I go with my heart & not my head in such matters... it doesn't always work out but there is no math or science to matter of love

Beruthiel

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

My advice to you would be the same to anyone who's torn between two people - if you can't have both then don't have either because they clearly don't have enough pro's to draw you to them explicitly, so (if that's the kind of relationship you want) keep looking for someone who does.

That's how I'd see it.
If one isn't outshining the other, then neither one is for you.
btw - for all you know, you're man in Oz may very well be going through the same dilemma as your good self. He's not here and he's not available.

No harm telling Mr. Stingy that his miserly ways are not attractive.

fungun

wow, to be honest i hope im never judged in such a pro/con way.....anyway, imo relationships and feeling cannot be described by lists of pros and cons. even if you weight them by what is important to you, surely the fact that you say you love one and not the other should be your answer?

3. i have strong feelings for him
4. i fancy him and love him

If this is how you feel about #2, then man #1 should be out of the question. How could you possibly consider going back out with him when you say you dont love him or have strong feelings for him, but do for someone else?

LovelyLottie

God this has nothing on the list Ross made for Rachel!

I obviously don't know Mr. 2 but i don't like him from how you described him - asking you to buy him things and he'll pay you back later? Feck off. No no. But that's just me, i need a man to be able to pay his way (and sometimes mine, just to show that he's willing to). But i think you're crazy to be paying for a guy all the time. It should be 50/50 or take turns. From how you've described him he sounds like a leech. You must be under the influence of lust.

Mr. 1 is obviously someone you care deeply about and have a history with but if you're enjoying a relationship with someone else, it sounds to me like your feelings for him aren't that strong anymore.

Take some time out for yourself. Be single for a few months. Then when Mr. 1 comes back see how you feel. (But i really hope by that stage you're still not paying for Mr. 2...)

caoimhecute

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

My advice to you would be the same to anyone who's torn between two people - if you can't have both then don't have either because they clearly don't have enough pro's to draw you to them explicitly, so (if that's the kind of relationship you want) keep looking for someone who does.

All the best. :cool:

thanks magoo sound advice you could be right but then i start to wonder is there anybody out there who i'd be fully happy with. i think we have to all accept flaws and the only flaw guy number two has is being very stingy with money. i try to get past it. the money doesnt bother me its more the principle that he cares more for money than for me which is quite apparent..

Daved_XB wrote: »

I obviously don't know Mr. 2 but i don't like him from how you described him - asking you to buy him things and he'll pay you back later? Feck off. No no. But that's just me, i need a man to be able to pay his way (and sometimes mine, just to show that he's willing to). But i think you're crazy to be paying for a guy all the time. It should be 50/50 or take turns. From how you've described him he sounds like a leech. You must be under the influence of lust.

Mr. 1 is obviously someone you care deeply about and have a history with but if you're enjoying a relationship with someone else, it sounds to me like your feelings for him aren't that strong anymore.

Take some time out for yourself. Be single for a few months. Then when Mr. 1 comes back see how you feel. (But i really hope by that stage you're still not paying for Mr. 1...)

thanks for this advice daved etc, so is the stinginess a deal breaker for most people? guy number 2 has the most important trait of being affectionate and cuddles for hours but then the money issue (although not a biggie now, i can imagine it being one should we have a family)

caoimhecute

Daved_XB wrote: »

You've taken a very analytical approach to this with your pro/con list.. perhaps the next step for you is to weight the score of the different attributes that your looking for in a mate & then see who comes out on top...

i'm sorry lottie i think i quoted the wrong person for what you said. thank you for your advice lovelylottie i am not used to using boards so not sure how to quote correctly.

thanks again daved yes i should make a list of what im looking for. finding a partner is not easy!! how do some people marry so young??

Degringola

Don't mean to sound harsh, OP, but in my opinion no. 2 is treating you like a walking ATM. If you are sleeping with him, then that's another plus for him.

He would get neither money nor sex from a girlfriend of his own cultural background. Both would be a complete no no.

MagicMarker

Degringola wrote: »

Don't mean to sound harsh, OP, but in my opinion no. 2 is treating you like a walking ATM. If you are sleeping with him, then that's another plus for him.

He would get neither money nor sex from a girlfriend of his own cultural background. Both would be a complete no no.

It sounds like he's treating her how she treated the first dude.

OP, I'd agree with Ickle Magoo, if you can't decide between the two then choose neither. But I have to question your thought process throughout this whole thing, if you were going to get back with guy no. 1 after 18 months then why get into another relationship at all? How did you think things were going to plan out?

LegacyUser

You need to brake it off with man number 2. He possibly see's you as a way of staying here in the long term. You also said that he is very mean, he expects to pay for everything - is he getting money off you and not paying it back?
He is flatering your ego to get both money and sex.
You need to have time on your own with out both of these men in your life as neither of these realationships are going anywhere.

tinkerbell

If you have to make up a list of pros/cons about 2 men because you cannot choose then you should not be with either of them. You are just settling. If you REALLY love someone, you know that nobody else would even remotely compare to them and drawing up a pros/cons list would be a pointless exercise.

sam34

caoimhecute wrote: »

i think we have to all accept flaws and the only flaw guy number two has is being very stingy with money. i try to get past it. the money doesnt bother me its more the principle that he cares more for money than for me which is quite apparent..

you might want to take a look in the mirror then, given that the very first pro on your list for the guy in oz, with whom you were in a relationship for more than four years, was that he is very generous and always buys you whatever you want.

seriously? that's the no 1 pro?

and guy no 2's unwillingness to buy you things is a turn off for you. (also his other stingy behaviours, admittedly)

but, honestly, you're working, you're an adult. why dont you buy whatever you want for yourself instead of expecting a boyfriend to do it and rating them on their willingness to do it ?

tbh, you and no 2 sound more suited.

no 1 sounds like a decent guy who deserves better than someone using him for what he will buy her.

MagicSean

The second guy sounds like someone you should get away from asap. It also sounds like the spark has gone between you and your old boyfriend but that may change when he comes home. He could have changed for the better or for worse while away. I wouldn't go making a decision on him right away.

caoimhecute

Degringola wrote: »

Don't mean to sound harsh, OP, but in my opinion no. 2 is treating you like a walking ATM. If you are sleeping with him, then that's another plus for him.

He would get neither money nor sex from a girlfriend of his own cultural background. Both would be a complete no no.

That is an interesting thought Degringola and one I never actualy considered. It is true women where he is from do not have pre marital sex and certainly don't have lots of money. However I think he thinks that all european people are wealthy and he doesnt see me paying as a big deal as he feels im from a wealthy background (an average irish background) it's fairly cheeky on his part but maybe he thinks money doesnt matter to me. I am sleeping with him also but I took my time to. If he is pretending to love and cherish me for his own benefits he's doing a pretty good job at false pretences. If only i knew if he genuinely loved me. Is there any way to know for sure as such? Without sounding childish Any test to prove his love? When I was younger relationships were so much easier and now I envy those getting married and so sure of themselves. I feel he does love me but then i doubt it again when anything involves money.he told me he loved me before we even got together so maybe it is naive of me to believe he does. apart from his miserly ways, he fills all my emotional needs. he makes me FEEL loved but will he be the same in 10years?

MagicMarker wrote: »

OP, I'd agree with Ickle Magoo, if you can't decide between the two then choose neither. But I have to question your thought process throughout this whole thing, if you were going to get back with guy no. 1 after 18 months then why get into another relationship at all? How did you think things were going to plan out?

i never planned to meet guy no 2. we met in the gym and every day he would take to me and i suppose my loneliness led me to want some company. he then confessed his love to me in a text and i believed every word (whether true or not) i felt he had feelings for me and i gave him a chance.

lady lady wrote: »

You need to brake it off with man number 2. He possibly see's you as a way of staying here in the long term. You also said that he is very mean, he expects to pay for everything - is he getting money off you and not paying it back?
He is flatering your ego to get both money and sex.

thanks ladylady, do you think he honestly just sees me as a way of staying here? if i so much as suggested that to him he'd be very upset. he is very sensitive and in touch with his emotions. i must stress that i do have strong feelings for him at this stage! its only when we pay for something im unhappy in any way. i hope he is not simply flattering my ego that would hurt alot. he has taken money off my in the past and not paid it back but most of the time he just does not bring money with him and expects me to pay without a second thought.

tinkerbell wrote: »

If you have to make up a list of pros/cons about 2 men because you cannot choose then you should not be with either of them. You are just settling. If you REALLY love someone, you know that nobody else would even remotely compare to them and drawing up a pros/cons list would be a pointless exercise.

maybe your right tinkerbell but it's hard for me to know because im indecisive and unsure. i dont know if i have the best loving situation i'm going to get or not. how does anybody know. if i leave them i will regret it when im alone

caoimhecute

sam34 wrote: »

but, honestly, you're working, you're an adult. why dont you buy whatever you want for yourself instead of expecting a boyfriend to do it and rating them on their willingness to do it ?

i dont expect a boyfriend to pay for me. the reason i made it a pro at all is because its not an expectation. i simply expect him to pay for himself and any loving boyfriend should treat his girlfriend sometimes. that was my issue. my issue was being expected to pay for him as well as myself actualy

caoimhecute

MagicSean wrote: »

The second guy sounds like someone you should get away from asap.

thanks sean! good advice there. when you say i should get away from guy 2, why do you say this? i honestly dont trust myself anymore

MagicSean

caoimhecute wrote: »

thanks sean! good advice there. when you say i should get away from guy 2, why do you say this? i honestly dont trust myself anymore

Your own description of him makes him sound like someone you don't trust and who doesn't trust you.

King of Kings

number 5 pro for BF number 2 is not a good thing.
How do you think him getting jealous if fellas talk to you is a good thing?

Add in the money factor and based on your recent posts on him - he seems to have prejudicial views of europeans.

LovelyLottie

caoimhecute wrote: »

thanks sean! good advice there. when you say i should get away from guy 2, why do you say this? i honestly dont trust myself anymore

Caoimhe - he sounds like a total user. I'm sorry but no decent guy expects his girlfriend to pay for him all the time or even most of the time. A decent guy will offer to pay for you sometimes as a treat or whatever, and then the rest of the time it's normal to go 50/50 or take turns.

When you go out to the cinema or for dinner, would you pay for a friend all the time? Would you pay for a brother or sister all the time? No. No-one does this. I would 100% agree with Sean that you should get away from him asap. He is manipulating you emotionally and financially.

caoimhecute

LovelyLottie wrote: »

Caoimhe - he sounds like a total user. I'm sorry but no decent guy expects his girlfriend to pay for him all the time or even most of the time. A decent guy will offer to pay for you sometimes as a treat or whatever, and then the rest of the time it's normal to go 50/50 or take turns.

When you go out to the cinema or for dinner, would you pay for a friend all the time? Would you pay for a brother or sister all the time? No. No-one does this. I would 100% agree with Sean that you should get away from him asap. He is manipulating you emotionally and financially.

thanks for this lottie. very good advice. i can see what you mean and probably believe it too seeing as i posted it but unfortunately i keep telling myself that it's ridiculous to break up with him when he's perfect for me in every other way. the thing is he is selfish financially with all of his mates. i have seen him the same with all his mates- not bringing his wallet on nights out and expecting his friends to pay for him. so its not just me hes manipulating. i sincerely hope he isnt manipulating me emotionally though- i couldnt deal with that. i have a very fragile heart and invested a lot of emotion into the relationship

username123

I dont think you should be with either.

Pro/con lists are unnecessary when you love someone - you love them.

The money issue would be a deal breaker for me and should be for anyone with good self respect - you are worth being treated well and not being treated like an atm.

I think you cant make a call on BF 1 anyway as he could well be with someone else in Australia - you have no idea how that will turn out when he gets back.

tinkerbell

caoimhecute wrote: »

maybe your right tinkerbell but it's hard for me to know because im indecisive and unsure. i dont know if i have the best loving situation i'm going to get or not. how does anybody know. if i leave them i will regret it when im alone

If you truly loved the person, you would NOT be indecisivie and unsure. Clearly you are too afraid of being alone than to face up to the fact that you really aren't suited to either of those two men. I mean why settle when you can go out and find the right guy who doesn't need a pro/con list drawn up for you to decide you want to be with him.

LegacyUser

How much do you actually know about the Asian guy? You say he earns the same as you but yet never has any money. Many Asian guys working here send the majority of their salary back home to their family and live here on very little money, so that probably explains why he never has any cash, always expecting others to pay for him....if you loved him you wouldn't have a problem with it etc.

Yes, he may be very affectionate, but be under no illusion. The family's needs always come first and the European wife/girlfriend is not even a close second. I'm generally not one for stereotypes. In this case, sadly, I know what I'm talking about and could easily start a thread of my own.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is give both relationships a break and clear your head. When the other guy comes home you can re-evaluate your feelngs for him and maybe you will get back together. To be honest he sounds like a good guy but circumstances got in the way.

Best of luck.