Wedding Advice

allanb49

Well so,

I'm getting married in May and sorting out the guest list,

My sister who's 21 broke up with her bf of 3 years back in November,

When this happened we decided to just invite my sister as i don't want some random guy at the wedding we don't know and have to pay for, we're having a small wedding family mostly with 4 friends, best man his girlfriend and one of my fiancées friends,

My mother got wind of this and is trying to impose her law on it saying i have to let my sister bring a +1 as she doesn't want her sitting on her own.

Now i would have no problem with this be it the fact that my sisters friends are morons who constantly think a good night out is getting hammered in coppers and getting thrown out

Or deciding i'm a "freak" because i went up and asked one of them where the lemsip was when her friend was in work in a chemists over christmas,

I don't want to cause any rows or arguments, but it is our day and not my mothers,

She brought up in this last argument that my fiancées sister is bringing her boyfriend,

of 5 years
who she lives with

and that my sister should be allowed bring a date on this merit,

So should i bite the bullet and hold firm say no,

or not cause any arguments and fold and try keep everyone happy,

Personally myself I would just tell my sister to eff off,

Can anyone give advice if you've been in this situation before?

Thoie

Well, will there be people roughly her own age that she knows/likes that she can hang out with (rather than having to hang out with your parents all day)?

Are there any of her friends that are slightly less moronic/objectionable than others?

iamthe43

Yea...Call off the wedding...Its dooomed!!!!

cynder

Let her bring a +1 i think its a bit mean not letting her bring a +1.

I got married 3 years ago, small enough wedding 30 at the meal and 100 at the afters, you cant expect your SISTER to sit by herself all night. I didnt know 4 of the 30 that were at my weding reception they were +1's and the day/evening went fine.

My brother infact brought his partner of 2 years that i had never even met as they lived in a different country, she dumped him a month after i got married. She is in some of the wedding photos but thats neither here not there for me.

fro9etb8j5qsl2

You could give your sister a +1 on the condition that you have last say on who she brings. Surely she must have 1 decent semi respectable buddy?? Personally, I think you shouldn't be forced or pressured into inviting someone if you don't want to (it's your day and what you say goes. End of.) but on the other hand, it would look a bit out of place if everyone else has a partner and your sister is there on her own.

In fairness though, even if she did bring one of her mad friends, I doubt you'd even notice on the day. You'll be too busy enjoying yourself to be worrying about one particular person.

allanb49

no all her friends are the same, there's only 6 years between us,

There will be people ranging from 18 to 25 there at the afters the meal and ceremony is just for family,

Not to sound scabby but i don't want to pay for her friends or some guy she has started going out with a few weeks before,

For her age she is incredibly immature which astounds me as we have friends her age who are fully functioning adults and don't go on the way she does most times,

I have tried to get her to come out with some of our friends on a night out so she could get to know them but the list of excuses i have are,

- too tired after working 5 hours
- busy
- that sounds stupid why would you go there

My plan is if she wants to bring a friend her and said friend have to come out with us on a night out so i can see how they get on if at all and if they mix well,

It's a pragmatic approach but only logical one i can see,

If it goes well then should be no problem, if it doesn't i can use it as a case in point against her.

Rew

We wont be giving random +1's to anybody at our wedding but everyone is considered on their own merits and some are getting +1's some or not. We have had some attempt's by mothers to impose a guest list but it was rapidly knocked on the head (we played good cop bad cop on it which can be useful strategy as a mother in law may be unwilling to confront son/daughter in law to be versus their own son/daughter). We simply said we went going to meet someone for the first time on our wedding day and that we are on a strict budget.

However every family is different and sometimes for an easier life and a more enjoyable day you have to bite the bullet. Why not discuss it with your sister and agree mutually on who the +1 is? Alliteratively is your sister a brides maid? If so she would be at the top table on her own regardless. I have seen this cause a lot of stress so its a trade off. You want a fun party atmosphere after the dinner to kick things off which is worth considering as well.

dahamsta

You can't not +1 a sibling, at the very least it'll make you look petty and cheap and it'll be an annoying source of family bitchiness for years to come. If you're genuinely concerned about the +1 /talk/ to her about it.

Sleepy

Tell the pair of them to fuck off to be honest. Paying for dinner for a family member's partner at a wedding is one thing, paying for a random friend of theirs is another thing entirely. And paying for her to have someone you don't like at your wedding is just ridiculous.

If you want to be nice, you could offer to let her pay the cost of the extra guest if she wants to bring a friend?

zebra12345

6 years is quite a big difference -I have a brother 6 years older and we get on great but I have nothing in common with any of his friends. And I think if I asked a friend to go out on an 'interview' night out with my brother and his friends to see if they're suitable to be invited to his wedding, they (or I) wouldn't want to go either -even if they do like my brother.

If it were a cousin or a friend, I would say feck them, but close family is different. You don't want your own sister to be bored at your wedding. There's nothing worse than having to make small talk with people you don't know very well for a whole day and a night. At least if she has a friend there,it might be a bit more fun for her.

allanb49

Kora Nervous Washcloth wrote: »

You could give your sister a +1 on the condition that you have last say on who she brings. Surely she must have 1 decent semi respectable buddy?? Personally, I think you shouldn't be forced or pressured into inviting someone if you don't want to (it's your day and what you say goes. End of.) but on the other hand, it would look a bit out of place if everyone else has a partner and your sister is there on her own.

In fairness though, even if she did bring one of her mad friends, I doubt you'd even notice on the day. You'll be too busy enjoying yourself to be worrying about one particular person.

That,

That's the main thing i would have had no problem had she come to me herself and asked but getting my mother to blindside me while my fiancée had gone to the bathroom and say YOU HAVE TO LET HER BRING SOMEONE,

That's what has got me píssed about this whole situation

allanb49

zebra12345 wrote: »

6 years is quite a big difference -I have a brother 6 years older and we get on great but I have nothing in common with any of his friends. And I think if I asked a friend to go out on an 'interview' night out with my brother and his friends to see if they're suitable to be invited to his wedding, they (or I) wouldn't want to go either -even if they do like my brother.

If it were a cousin or a friend, I would say feck them, but close family is different. You don't want your own sister to be bored at your wedding. There's nothing worse than having to make small talk with people you don't know very well for a whole day and a night. At least if she has a friend there,it might be a bit more fun for her.

as i said we do have friends who will be in attendance who are 18,21,22,23,24

and they are all grand, these would be close friends,

I've tried over the past 6 months for my sister to come out for a drink with just me and my fiancée but she's constantly busy,

she lives 2 mins up the road from us with my mum and never comes to visit we have to make the effort to go up to them always,

allanb49

Rew wrote: »

We wont be giving random +1's to anybody at our wedding but everyone is considered on their own merits and some are getting +1's some or not. We have had some attempt's by mothers to impose a guest list but it was rapidly knocked on the head (we played good cop bad cop on it which can be useful strategy as a mother in law may be unwilling to confront son/daughter in law to be versus their own son/daughter). We simply said we went going to meet someone for the first time on our wedding day and that we are on a strict budget.

However every family is different and sometimes for an easier life and a more enjoyable day you have to bite the bullet. Why not discuss it with your sister and agree mutually on who the +1 is? Alliteratively is your sister a brides maid? If so she would be at the top table on her own regardless. I have seen this cause a lot of stress so its a trade off. You want a fun party atmosphere after the dinner to kick things off which is worth considering as well.

We have briefly touched on this for the top table,

The simplest way i'm thinking is for both heads of the families, the two mothers fiancées dad my mums boyfriend, and my nan and grandad,

but again we have to iron out the details on this,

If siblings are up there, where would we stick her friend, on her own?

Jelly2

I don't understand this at all. When we got married, one or two of my siblings didn't have a partner, so they came to the wedding on their own. What is the big deal about this? They're not going to be spending the day on their own, there will be other family members there! Stick to your guns, if you give in on this, there may be pressure placed on you about something else afterwards.:)

Rew

allanb49 wrote: »

We have briefly touched on this for the top table,

The simplest way i'm thinking is for both heads of the families, the two mothers fiancées dad my mums boyfriend, and my nan and grandad,

but again we have to iron out the details on this,

If siblings are up there, where would we stick her friend, on her own?

The partners of our bridesmaids will be together at another table. I don't care but my fiancee wants to have her girls with her for the dinner.

I went to a wedding with a bridesmaid once, I was sitting else where to her, horrible experience as I didn't know many at it.

Jelly2

Actually, now I've just remembered that when I went to my sister and brother's weddings I had no partner, and just went on my own (and wasn't given the option of a +1). It wasn't even a consideration!

Rew

Jelly2 wrote: »

I don't understand this at all. When we got married, one or two of my siblings didn't have a partner, so they came to the wedding on their own. What is the big deal about this? They're not going to be spending the day on their own, there will be other family members there! Stick to your guns, if you give in on this, there may be pressure placed on you about something else afterwards.:)

Some people view it as a party and want to invite their friends to it to have the criac with. I heard about a bridesmaid who wanted to bring several of her friends. to the whole thing.

Jelly2

Rew wrote: »

Some people view it as a party and want to invite their friends to it to have the criac with. I heard about a bridesmaid who wanted to bring several of her friends. to the whole thing.

Yeah, probably. It would be nice if people remembered that it's not their party though, and that it's the bride and groom's job to decide who is going to be invited!

Thoie

dahamsta wrote: »

You can't not +1 a sibling, at the very least it'll make you look petty and cheap and it'll be an annoying source of family bitchiness for years to come. If you're genuinely concerned about the +1 /talk/ to her about it.

You absolutely can - I went to my sister's wedding solo, and it wasn't a bother. There's 4 years between us, so there were people there around my own age. There were about 20-30 people at that wedding as well, and I'd have been 21/22 at the time.

OP, if your sister does end up bringing someone (particularly a new boyfriend), make sure there are a few photos of just the family without the interloper. A friend got married a few years ago and his brother brought his newish girlfriend of the time. She didn't last long, but when they got the photos back they realised all the "family" photos had her in them, so I had to spend about 3 hours photoshopping her out

Have some with partners in them so as not to be rude, but make sure that there are a few "immediate family only, no partners".

seamus

dahamsta wrote: »

You can't not +1 a sibling

Of course you can.

In fact, of all guests, a sibling is the most appropriate person to come on their own because they already know a lot of people there, they don't need a buddy to keep them company. Unless they're 12.

Tbh, seeing as the ceremony is family only, it would be very inappropriate for your sister's friend or a new boyfriend to be there.

Tell her if she wants to bring someone they can come to the afters, but the ceremony is your family and close friends only.

Top table is really up to yourself. Traditionally it's the wedding party - bride and groom, both sets of parents, groomsmen & bridesmaids and the celebrant. But a lot of people change this depending on the layout of the room or the size of the table.

Any wedding I've been to where partners had to be split during the meal (e.g. where a married brother is a groomsman), their other half is placed at a table with the next "tier" of the family, i.e. uncles/aunts/close friends.

dahamsta

If the OP has +1'd the rest of the family, they can't. I assume they have. Again, it'll create ructions for years, which grinds like nothing else.

Of course the OP can do what they damned well please. Me, I go with the path of least resistance with family. They can be enough of a pain in the hole as it is.

allanb49

seamus wrote: »

Tbh, seeing as the ceremony is family only, it would be very inappropriate for your sister's friend or a new boyfriend to be there.

Tell her if she wants to bring someone they can come to the afters, but the ceremony is your family and close friends only.

Ah if only where that easy, the whole shebang is in kilkenny, so people coming from dublin and tipp respectively,

But saying that people can travel down in the evening for the afters get a room etc, :S hmm this is turning out to be more troublesome than i thought

Jelly2

dahamsta wrote: »

If the OP has +1'd the rest of the family, they can't. I assume they have. Again, it'll create ructions for years, which grinds like nothing else.

Of course the OP can do what they damned well please. Me, I go with the path of least resistance with family. They can be enough of a pain in the hole as it is.

That depends. If the +1s were for wives, husbands or long term partners, then the OP can easily not allow +1 for others, like a friend or short-term boyfriend.

Penny Dreadful

I'm getting married in June and myself and my boyfriend have decided on no plus 1s for cousins, etc, unless they are significant plus 1s. His parents were quite upset and bothered about this but we pointed out that its a family wedding, there will be loads of people they know there and we're not paying for random people we don't know to attend our wedding.

They're not happy about it (and other things too) but they've accepted it.

Malari

I would treat the wedding as any other family event. With dinners, etc, the siblings with significant others always bring them, but those that don't can't just bring along someone they are seeing and the family doesn't know.

John Mason

we were in a similar position, small wedding, bro broke up with his gf in November.

He now has a new gf (love of his life :rolleyes:), he has been told she can come to the afters but not the meal.

Tell your mother in no uncertain terms that this is your day and not hers, if she wants to plan wedding, she should get re-married herself.

we told everyone, that if we said no to someone that was it, there was to be whining or bitching.

in fairness, everyone has just accepted it except for the work people who think they should be invited

dahamsta

Because mothers are such logical people.

Sleepy

We've not had parents trying to foist people on us (yet, we are still in the early days of planning) but have decided that if the parents want extra guests, they can pay for them provided our choice of venue can handle the extra numbers.

lowkeys

We had a similar situation in that my fiance's nephew who is 18 wants to bring his girlfriend! We are only having 20 people to the wedding and want to know everyone there. The 18 year old and his parents all threw a big strop and my boyfriend relented to keep the peace. I'm afraid i would have been a bit harsher and not invited her had i my way.
A friend offered me advice and in a nutshell said it was our wedding and we should invite who we want and never mind the begrudgers but sometimes this is easier said than done.
I think the op should stick to her guns - her sister will know plenty of people at the wedding anyway and i she isnt with one of her friends it will force her to mix more and be sociable.

allanb49

lowkeys wrote: »

We had a similar situation in that my fiance's nephew who is 18 wants to bring his girlfriend! We are only having 20 people to the wedding and want to know everyone there. The 18 year old and his parents all threw a big strop and my boyfriend relented to keep the peace. I'm afraid i would have been a bit harsher and not invited her had i my way.
A friend offered me advice and in a nutshell said it was our wedding and we should invite who we want and never mind the begrudgers but sometimes this is easier said than done.
I think the op should stick to her guns - her sister will know plenty of people at the wedding anyway and i she isnt with one of her friends it will force her to mix more and be sociable.

I'm a he :-(

saa

+1 you've presumed she doesn't want to bring anyone, maybe I might of missed it but did you ask her?
I know how annoying it is with the mother (or in law) telling you who has to be invited, if we didn't have to bring all the people the parents expect we can save so much cash.

Put your foot down don't let her tell you what to do but over the cost of one person don't skim on that cost at the risk of your sister resenting being on her own for the day you might see her as a little sister and now she's single big deal but hey its just one guest right?

cynder

if you dont +1 her, dont expect her to turn up or maybe she will and will give you a 50 euro gift! that should cover the cost of her food.

if you +1 her then you may expect a 100 euro gift... i personally think its quite mean not to let your sister bring a friend.

Sleepy

Can't see that argument at all. If it was a big wedding, maybe, but it's a tiny wedding.

A +1 for the afters by all means but with only 20 attending the ceremony and meal, I'm sure there's a shed load of people the OP would rather have there than one of his sister's drinking buddies.