My Nana

LegacyUser

My Nana died on 9 April 2011. I'm her oldest grandchild - she was 47 when I was born. I spent a lot of my childhood in her house. Up until she died, I'd be in her house twice a week. My kids and OH adored her. To put it lightly, I miss her immensely. She was a huge part of my life - even now, I still pick up the phone to ring her and when I know I can't, my heart breaks a little bit again. I was very lucky - I had her for 39 years of my life but in some ways that makes it harder for me to accept that she's not there anymore.

Anyway, I was talking to someone today and she made a comment about something I'd said - about how glad I was to see the back of last year. She said, but you had a great year, loads of good things happening. I said, well we lost Nana and that put an awful tinge on everything else during the year. She looked at me and said, "ah well, you just have to let it go. She had a good life and after all, it's not as if it was your mother". To be honest, I was gobsmacked by what she said. But I've been thinking about it since she said it - is that the way it's supposed to be? Am I just supposed to forget my Nana because she was "only" my Nana? Should I just get up and get on with things? And now I'm worried that my real friends are thinking the same thing - God, would she ever stop moaning etc etc.

Any comments or opinions would be appreciated.

itac

hey rmbk,
I had a similar relationship with my Gran-I just posted about her a few weeks ago, as it was coming up to her 6th anniversary. Yes, she was technically my "Gran" but she was like another Mum to me, and that's who I've grieved for over the years. The best saying I've heard is that it doesn't get better, but you get better at it.

What I've found is that people who haven't suffered such a bereavement really don't get how much it hurts, and continues to hurt, long after people expect it to-it's those little everyday things, when you're in the shops and think "should I ring to see does she need something?" and then realise you can't-I still get those, after 6 years, and it jolts me everytime.

If your friends know you well enough, they'll know your relationship with her, and they'll know how much love you had for her-that love didn't die with her, that continues on in you, and with you-with your memories of her, with your memories of things you did together-they will never leave you.

My big thing was I gave myself time to grieve-I'd go out to the beach near where she used to live, or toward the village close to where she grew up, and let myself cry. I still do it sometimes, and I still have days where I'd give anything to have her back, but I've also made peace with the fact that I was lucky to have her for 22 years of my life, and that's more than some people get. One of her many gems of wisdom was "accept, accept, accept...and this too shall pass". And I guess, for me, that's helped. I've accepted that she's gone, I've accepted that the world has to keep turning, even without her in it, and I've accepted that she would want me to move on with my life, to enjoy it as best I can.

All I can really say to you is take it one day at a time. If you feel today's a good day, let it be a good day. If you feel today's a bad day, then let it be a bad day. Stephen Fry kinda put it a bit more eloquently in this letter he wrote about depression, and I guess that's kinda the way I've dealt with it.

I hope these words are of some help to you, and lastly, big hugs. Look after yourself lady, XxX

LegacyUser

Thanks v much for that Itac, really appreciate what you said. It IS a bad day today but it's nearly over; hopefully tomorrow will be better Had a little cry as I read your post, it all sounds very familiar. Part of me hasn't accepted she has gone, and I probably won't for a while. I know she'd "ate me without salt" for the "weeping and gnashing of teeth" I've gone on with, and that makes me smile. Hopefully soon the good memories will take over from the bad ones of her last few weeks and her death.

Thanks again for the understanding x

Ickle Magoo

Ignore who-ever said that - its an incredibly thoughtless/tactless thing to say to anyone who has lost a relative - never mind one who was so close to you that you made a point of saying that their passing has tinged your year with sadness.

I'm with irac, give it time, as much time as you need...we're all different, there is no hard and fast rules to grieving.

Best wishes to you and yours, rmbk.

theg81der

Whoever said that probably just rolled it off their tongue without much thought. Its only 9 months give yourself time. My Granda died nearly 4 years ago and I still miss him.

Like you first grandchild now 30. I still have my nana and have been caring for her since my granda passed, sometimes for long periods - I even have my own room in her house. I absolutely dread losing her, no idea how I will cope and no one will tell me how to grieve when I do.

Someone who`s been around your whole life is just a huge part of you. We are so lucky thou, so priviledged to have them for so long and to have wonderful memories to hold on to.

inlikeflynn86

Hi mbk,

As theg81der said it could of easily rolled off their tongue and they probably didnt even realise what they said!

I lost my nana 2 years ago. She was an amputee the last 30 years of her life and she lived with us for my entire life and both my brothers.( my mam was her carer) She was a second mam to us. She use to do my hair, paint my nails, Id make us both a cup of tea every sunday morning and tell her about my saturday night and my antics. She was a big Liverpool supporter so my 2 brothers would watch the matches in her room and she would scream some obscenities......

These are fond memories I have of her that noone will ever take from me, no matter what anyone says. As someone already said, people who have never suffered a loss dont realise the pain you will go through. I still cry for her, not as much as the first year, but there are still tears.

Take as long as you need to grieve, there is no time limit. Dont worry about what your friends think as your closest will understand what your going through..

Take care xx

xsao

You can get on with life while still having a space on your memories for your special friend called Nana.