Depression

Orizio

(I know these threads have been down to death on here again and again but whatever, have to 'speak' to someone as I am completely alone)

Living on my own. Mid 20s. Struggling through university in a course I have little aptitude with and interest in career wise. Never had a job. Never had a girlfriend. Only ever had a handful of friends, and none in recent years. Have never partook in any of the things one expects from a student - parties etc. Living almost completely in my head or on the internet, going days without any kind of half-decent conversation. Family either ignores me or seems to be embarrassed by me. Constant bouts of self loathing - my best mood is apathetic, my worst suicidal. I can only enjoy a handful of things (music, sports, films for example) and even then its momentary and pale. Hatred, fixation and jealousy towards strangers is typical. The (very rare) social situations I find myself in are dictated by me being boring, or passive aggressive, or rude, or incoherent or sensitive etc. I simply assume that everyone hates me, usually before I have even met them. Everyday life is almost completely made up of me going to classes (only half listening), studying (mainly daydreaming), and video games.

Am seeing a psychiatrist (and she is very good) and although things have improved some small amounts I still suffer somewhat from anxiety, still have that over-riding feeling that my life has been completely wasted and still loath myself and others to the extent in which any kind of meaningful progress seems impossible.

Well whine over. Feel somewhat better. Not sure if this is the right place to just vent, so any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Orizio

Is this the wrong forum for advice/encouragement, or should I simply search for other threads on depression?

saa

*all this depends on your illness and where you are with managing it.
and in my experience don't worry if you havent got as much support as youd like or your psychiatrist, mine didnt help me only facilitated me helping myself in my daily life
and you don't need any of those things above to be well and satisfied

I used to do it to the point where my health was in bits with stress I just decided to work on my purpose and do things for myself, all free workshops, training, clubs, creative work, internships which is the only way id get a job like yourself in the 20s no experience dont get on with family but my depression is there anyway causes the lack of a great social life ect. but my actions from not looking for opportunities makes both worse, but with depression there are times where youre not able to do any of those things and its just about being content with where your illness has brought you and slowly work on ways to make things you can control better than living in regret and cycles of behaviour that you dont want to be in.

Its not one big change though, improve things over time if youre not happy. Have you talked about the tools you need to help you, its not that the psychiatrist can't help you or you're a hopeless case its just about you doing the ground work to manage your illness, and again this is just what helped me, took three years of not wanting to change to realise it was more comfortable to do the same thing over and over than get out of my comfort zone and do things I didnt like to eventual be able to do things I do.

Ickle Magoo

Orizio wrote: »

Is this the wrong forum for advice/encouragement, or should I simply search for other threads on depression?

It's not so much the wrong forum but I'm not sure what advice you expect unqualified posters to offer that your psychiatrist who is both qualified and knows you personally cannot...

Have you told them what you've posted there? What do they say?

Orizio

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

It's not so much the wrong forum but I'm not sure what advice you expect unqualified posters to offer that your psychiatrist who is both qualified and knows you personally cannot...

Have you told them what you've posted there? What do they say?

I guess I was hoping primarily for advice/stories from people (non-qualified) that have gone through the same states and emotions I have...? Professional help is great but hearing from people that have gone through the same things I have is something very different (like saa said above). I wasn't clear in the OP regarding this, apols.

I only see my psychiatrist once a month, give or take, which is fine, because I'm usually not in as bad a state as I was when I wrote the OP. I tend to feel awful the first two weeks back in college as well for whatever reason. I'm in a better mood now but I guess mood swings happen like that. Do you or anyone else think it would be a good idea to show my psychiatrist my OP? It didn't occur to me to do so.

Anyway, thanks for the reply.

Orizio

saa wrote: »

*all this depends on your illness and where you are with managing it.
and in my experience don't worry if you havent got as much support as youd like or your psychiatrist, mine didnt help me only facilitated me helping myself in my daily life
and you don't need any of those things above to be well and satisfied

I used to do it to the point where my health was in bits with stress I just decided to work on my purpose and do things for myself, all free workshops, training, clubs, creative work, internships which is the only way id get a job like yourself in the 20s no experience dont get on with family but my depression is there anyway causes the lack of a great social life ect. but my actions from not looking for opportunities makes both worse, but with depression there are times where youre not able to do any of those things and its just about being content with where your illness has brought you and slowly work on ways to make things you can control better than living in regret and cycles of behaviour that you dont want to be in.

Its not one big change though, improve things over time if youre not happy. Have you talked about the tools you need to help you, its not that the psychiatrist can't help you or you're a hopeless case its just about you doing the ground work to manage your illness, and again this is just what helped me, took three years of not wanting to change to realise it was more comfortable to do the same thing over and over than get out of my comfort zone and do things I didnt like to eventual be able to do things I do.

Thanks for the post!

Could you be a bit more specific regarding the things you did to get yourself out of the slump (part in bold)? I tried to get active - sports for example - but my timetable is wonky so its hard to fit in stuff. I'm really looking into getting into charity though, for example. I'm doing some lessons, extra classes etc right now but I could probably do more, I just need stuff that I can fit around my schedule.

Also, I do have work experience set up for the summer, which is nice, although its a job in the middle of nowhere.

Ickle Magoo

Orizio wrote: »

I guess I was hoping primarily for advice/stories from people (non-qualified) that have gone through the same states and emotions I have...? Professional help is great but hearing from people that have gone through the same things I have is something very different (like saa said above). I wasn't clear in the OP regarding this, apols.

I appreciate what you are asking, I'm just also aware you need to be wary about polling internet strangers their own brand of fixes. As saa pointed out, it is all very dependent on what form of depression you have and your own personal dynamics. What works for some doesn't work for others and trying one thing after another which others have sworn blind worked and not feeling any better can be very disheartening and actually leave you feeling worse than you did before.

Orizio wrote: »

Do you or anyone else think it would be a good idea to show my psychiatrist my OP? It didn't occur to me to do so.

I would, yes...I would also make sure you say you don't feel you are making progress or are getting frustrated too.

If there is a huge difference between how you feel one week to the other, perhaps writing a daily mood/emotions diary and letting your psychiatrist see that would give them a better idea of the over-all picture?

Animord

Orizio wrote: »

I guess I was hoping primarily for advice/stories from people (non-qualified) that have gone through the same states and emotions I have...? /QUOTE]

I have had an ongoing problem with depression for years. It is so impossible to explain to those who don't have it. I eventually went to my doctor who prescribed the inevitable drugs. I am really against taking stuff, but I did end up on Prozac for a year and to be honest, in retrospect I am glad I did. It gave me a 'lift' which enabled me to do all the things that people tell you that you should do - get fit - go out more etc etc. It kind of dulled the edges and put me in a happier place. And after a while it was kind of self-fulfilling, if you know what I mean, I did go out more because I felt better and started doing things which in themselves made me feel better too.

I came off the Prozac after a year and whilst I still suffer from depression and have really down days, I know in my head that whilst things seem awful, it's just a 'thing' going on in my head and its really not that bad, it's hard to explain, but it gave me the capacity to be able to take a step back and 'see' that the sadness that goes on in my head is not necessarily real life, which makes it easier to cope with.

I am not advocating drugs but just telling you my experience, and I don't think that mood altering stuff is necessarily the answer, but what it did for me was give me the space to understand what was going on in my head and give me a bit of time (and energy) to work on sorting it out.

My life isn't perfect now and your answer might be very different from mine. Feel free to PM me if you think I can answer any other questions you might have.

saa

Orizio wrote: »

Thanks for the post!

Could you be a bit more specific regarding the things you did to get yourself out of the slump (part in bold)? I tried to get active - sports for example - but my timetable is wonky so its hard to fit in stuff. I'm really looking into getting into charity though, for example. I'm doing some lessons, extra classes etc right now but I could probably do more, I just need stuff that I can fit around my schedule.

Also, I do have work experience set up for the summer, which is nice, although its a job in the middle of nowhere.

No bothers, I can but this is all from my experience and a lot probably won't be of help but I suppose thats the work and a difficult task to sort out what will help you


I found that working with people gave me a long lasting feeling or purpose and success,
Doing things for myself: Stopped setting goals or expectations so I could keep making myself feel like a failure and I could never do anything so why bother(comfort zone). Took stock of what I needed not what other people wanted of me. Gave myself credit, stopped and thought if my friend was in my situation what would I say to reassure them or what would I think of them?
workshops ish stuff: I am an artist so obviously there are more workshops if you have a specific interest, if you have a skill you can run a workshop and share that, a good alternative if it fits with your interest is to attend free lectures and talks to keep the mind active away from negative thoughts, if you're not in Dublin than set something up online or research something setting up a ..
personal project can make me feel more enthused about life opposed to the massive looming get a job project which makes me want to stay in bed all day. I started playing the guitar again, and I suppose doing things for myself made doing things for work with depression a lot easier because my life wasn't about look for work/I'm such a failure go to bed
it became wake up meditate/walk, get ready, read an article of interest to give my mind something to focus on during the day, make a plan of what I wanted to get done, set aside a certain amount of time for work and then be able to switch off

Look for opportunities, if you don't get them or theyre not there make them for yourself.
I have done plenty of things to help myself and my development but my issue on working on now is routine and consistency.

You have a scheduled that is always changing? sounds stressful, mines like that, I get in physical activity now and then but I am working on routine within an unpredictable scheduled, because no matter how many things I have going for me If im disorganised I'm a mess I cant be happy.

Is a job in the middle of nowhere a bad thing? You don't know how its going to go yet doesn't sound like a bad thing im delighted that you have something set up, security for me is very healing.

Sounds like you're doing loads, don't get worried you're not doing enough to live up to something, even trying is commendable!

Orizio

Animord wrote: »

Orizio wrote: »

I guess I was hoping primarily for advice/stories from people (non-qualified) that have gone through the same states and emotions I have...? /QUOTE]

I have had an ongoing problem with depression for years. It is so impossible to explain to those who don't have it. I eventually went to my doctor who prescribed the inevitable drugs. I am really against taking stuff, but I did end up on Prozac for a year and to be honest, in retrospect I am glad I did. It gave me a 'lift' which enabled me to do all the things that people tell you that you should do - get fit - go out more etc etc. It kind of dulled the edges and put me in a happier place. And after a while it was kind of self-fulfilling, if you know what I mean, I did go out more because I felt better and started doing things which in themselves made me feel better too.

I came off the Prozac after a year and whilst I still suffer from depression and have really down days, I know in my head that whilst things seem awful, it's just a 'thing' going on in my head and its really not that bad, it's hard to explain, but it gave me the capacity to be able to take a step back and 'see' that the sadness that goes on in my head is not necessarily real life, which makes it easier to cope with.

I am not advocating drugs but just telling you my experience, and I don't think that mood altering stuff is necessarily the answer, but what it did for me was give me the space to understand what was going on in my head and give me a bit of time (and energy) to work on sorting it out.

My life isn't perfect now and your answer might be very different from mine. Feel free to PM me if you think I can answer any other questions you might have.

Thanks Animord (and Saa), I was curious about medication, honestly I don't want to become 'dependent' on drugs but I guess its something I'll have to look into.