Guilt trip?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

If anyone could provide a bit of clear thought on this I'd really appreciate it. Was dating my ex for over 8 months, after which I decided to end it because of work/life issues and us generally not getting along at all. The girl in question could be best described as a bit of a loner, has the one good friend back home and doesn't make an effort to mingle at all. Her parents supply everything for her, and she's generally someone who always gets what she wants.

Anyway, having broke up a good 7 months, we were back in college together and naturally, would see one another every day. It came to the stage where we had a talk, and she asked me to get back with her - which I agreed as it felt like there was something there. However, four months into relationship part 2 and that spark has completely gone for me. She seems madly in love with me which is the hard bit. I tried to end it about three weeks ago but she was having none of it - balling crying, rocking backwards and forwards saying "I can't do it, I can't live without you, no no no", which made me feel really bad and worried about the fact that she might do something stupid.

I agreed to give it another shot, and she was delighted but I still feel the same way. Every conversation is the same, nothing is new, and she has this habit of reveling from my misfortune and loves to see me do something wrong, as I'm seen as a good student, hard worker I guess.

What can I do? I realise in hindsight that we should never have gotten back together, and I wish we didn't, but now I feel like I'm stuck.

Please help.

C.

Starokan

I cant see any other way out of this other than to break up with her again. Its awful for her that she is going to feel that bad but there is no way around it if you do not want to be in the relationship.

If you do end it again, do it as gently as you can, assure her you can remain friends, don't flaunt your new found single status by being with people left right and centre as this will really hurt her.

I'm sure you know her friends so if you end it perhaps you could make sure one of her friends is nearby to look after her for a bit.

Lastly if you remain friends keep a distance and don't get back together with her again, guys and girls do this all the time to their partners and it really rarely works. Give her and you the chance to meet someone new.

Moon Indigo

This could go on forever and if she knows how that she can and how to push your buttons she will continue to do that. You simply can not stay in a relationship because someone is guilt tripping or because they are mad about you and the feeling is not mutual. It won't be easy but the I feel you already know the answer to your question and that is you have to end it as gently as a quickly as possible.
It sounds like she depends on you alot and maybe she needs to realise that there are other people out there. It won't be easy but with time it can be okay. Just because you are not a couple does not mean you can't be a good friend to her or each other. Best of luck and be strong as it dosen't sound like a very happy relationship as it is at the moment.

greenprincess

I think you should break up with her and cut contact for a while. Do not say anything like ''lets still be friends'' this will make her think that something could happen again. I kno you go to the same college and I'm not saying be rude to her but nothing more then a nod or hi is the only contact you should have with her.

tinkerbell

OP, you are not stuck. It's not working out, end the relationship. Why are you wasting any more time in a relationship where you are not happy? Yes she will be upset at first, but she'll get over it. And don't stay in contact with her like another poster said, there should be no contact so she can get over you and move on with her life.

LovelyLottie

Break up with her properly this time. Explain calmly and clearly to her that you are breaking up with her for good this time and that you would prefer no contact so that you can both get over the breakup.

If she contacts you don't reply. If you see her in college be civil, but distant. To be honest, you're hurting her more by keeping this going. End it. Cut contact. Sometimes someone has to be the bad guy, just the way it is.

Neyite

OP,
I know a guy who had an ex who said she couldnt live without him, etc and he was also afraid of what she would do if he cut her out of his life. For nearly a decade he could not get rid of her, though they had broken up long long ago. She destroyed college life for him, job oppertunities, budding relationships, his friendships, and basically messed him up badly. He finally, with the help of his family, cut off all contact. She is still alive and well and I daresay making life hell for another guy out there.

You need to remember that if she chooses to self-harm, its her choice to do so. You will never be responsible for the choice another adult makes. Remember this. I would bet my years salary that when you do break up with her, she wont carry out any of those threats - in her case its a blackmailing strategy to keep you where she wants you.

We can all live without the people we love. Of course we dont want to, but thats life. Relationships are only ever on loan to us, no matter how long or short it lasts. Look at all the widows and widowers who are coping as best they can after burying their loved ones. They have to live without their partner. Even if a relationship is until death do you part when you are in your nineties, someone in that relationship will experience grief and loss.

When you decide to put this girl behind you once and for all, think of all the ways she can contact you - facebook, mobile, local pubs and so on and ensure that you make yourself uncontactable after it. If that means changing your number or drafting in a friend to answer the door to say you are not home do it. It could very well get worse before it gets better, but in the long run you have to look after you.

Overheal

She loves you, you don't love her. That sucks for her. Truly. But, you need to just sit her down, look her in the eye and ask her if she can genuinely be happy in a relationship where she isn't loved in return?

It's nobody's fault, but any self-respecting person will see that they can't put themselves through that.

LegacyUser

Wow. I tend to forget about the amount of decent people on this site when I spend half my time in After Hours.

It's not going to be easy - and Christ, even worse when I've to face her parents at our graduation, but nevertheless, I guess it's only going to get worse as it goes on if I don't do anything.

No doubt I'll be the f*cker who put her through hell twice, but I just guess these things have to be done and that's that.


All I can say is thank you - to each and every one of you.

Missy Moo Moo

Hi Op,

Yes it's possible you will be branded as a fecker who hurt her, once you've ended it kindly though, your conscience is clear.

Sit her down and tell her while she's got loads of great qualities (insert as applicable) you just don't feel the same about her as she does you and she deserves someone who does, its just not working for you. Do not say you want to remain friends, do not give her any false hope. The friends thing gives her carte Blanche to remain in touch. I am a personal hater of the ambiguous break up lines that are so often used.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

You need to brake up with this girl in a nice way. Tell her the qualities she has but that you have given things a chance but you don't feel the same way about her.
I would keep my distance from her - don't go down the we can still be friends route as she will think if she waits you will change your mind again.
Her parents have always give her what she wanted and made life easy for her up to now.
In college she has to learn to grow up and to make an effort to make friends.
You sound like a decent guy but you can't stay with this girl to make her life easier in collage.
Good Luck,

LegacyUser

Hello again everyone..

Today was the day, after college at 4, I sat her down in her room and wen't through it very gently. I told her what a great person she was, and her great qualities. She seemed to be ok at the beginning, and she must have known it was coming because I hadn't met up with her in about 4 days.

Anyway, just as I broke the news to her that I wanted to go out separate ways she lost it. Going back to how she wanted to kill herself when I broke up with her last year, and how I don't realise what she has been through. Her family life, her lack of friends - nobody wants her she says - following it by "who would miss me if I was gone?"

Traumatised isn't the word. I tried to leave the room but she wouldn't let me - she just blocked the door, sat on the ground and started balling, telling me how much I'm hurting her, how much she feels like its her fault. No matter how many times I told her it was me, she wasn't having it.

The only way I could get out of the room was to agree 'a break' for about 2/3 weeks.

Christ. What can I do?

Missy Moo Moo

guilttrip wrote: »

Hello again everyone..

Today was the day, after college at 4, I sat her down in her room and wen't through it very gently. I told her what a great person she was, and her great qualities. She seemed to be ok at the beginning, and she must have known it was coming because I hadn't met up with her in about 4 days.

Anyway, just as I broke the news to her that I wanted to go out separate ways she lost it. Going back to how she wanted to kill herself when I broke up with her last year, and how I don't realise what she has been through. Her family life, her lack of friends - nobody wants her she says - following it by "who would miss me if I was gone?"

Traumatised isn't the word. I tried to leave the room but she wouldn't let me - she just blocked the door, sat on the ground and started balling, telling me how much I'm hurting her, how much she feels like its her fault. No matter how many times I told her it was me, she wasn't having it.

The only way I could get out of the room was to agree 'a break' for about 2/3 weeks.

Christ. What can I do?

Oh no, what a horrible situation to be in. You must remain strong though and not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed. Tell her that if she feels suicidal then she needs to seek professional help to sort through her feelings, tell her you're just not qualified to help her through that.

Remain calm and keep repeating that you cannot be in a relationship where you don't feel the same, she deserves to meet someone who is as mad about her as she is them.

Stay strong OP

Neyite

guilttrip wrote: »

Hello again everyone..

Today was the day, after college at 4, I sat her down in her room and wen't through it very gently. I told her what a great person she was, and her great qualities. She seemed to be ok at the beginning, and she must have known it was coming because I hadn't met up with her in about 4 days.

Anyway, just as I broke the news to her that I wanted to go out separate ways she lost it. Going back to how she wanted to kill herself when I broke up with her last year, and how I don't realise what she has been through. Her family life, her lack of friends - nobody wants her she says - following it by "who would miss me if I was gone?"

Traumatised isn't the word. I tried to leave the room but she wouldn't let me - she just blocked the door, sat on the ground and started balling, telling me how much I'm hurting her, how much she feels like its her fault. No matter how many times I told her it was me, she wasn't having it.

The only way I could get out of the room was to agree 'a break' for about 2/3 weeks.

Christ. What can I do?

Yikes! I did say that it will get worse before it gets better. Unfortunately, I know this type of girl quite well. My friend could teach a class about it.

Here is what I suggest you do:

Face to face is not going to work anymore, you tried that and she manipulated it with a meltdown, so text one final text to her saying that you dont want a break, you want to break up for good.

If she texts threats of self harm, to you, notify one of her friends or her family - DO NOT TEXT HER BACK - tell them that you have broken up and she has taken it badly and making threats of self harm. If you run to her, or reply, she knows that all she needs to do from her on in to get you to do what she wants is to threaten suicide, and then you are trapped.

Avoid her as much as possible - can you stay with a friend for a while in case she calls over? Turn off your phone or even change your number. If you have to meet her in college, and she brings it up, you firmly and calmly tell her that it is over and you dont want a relationship with her.

Under no circumstances should you sleep with her again. A moment of weakness on your part and you could be tied to her forever via a pregnancy and subsequent child. Even if she does not get pregnant, she may try and fake one to keep you there (not as outrageous as it sounds - there have been threads on this here before).

Remember - She is an adult. She has full choice over her own actions. You are not responsible for her. She is responsible for herself.

Whats the alternative? you cave in and get back with her. Then you dont have a life, and are miserable. When you get the courage to try breaking up again, the same will happen, over and over. Dont put yourself through that.

She will move on eventually, but dont budge or cave or even try to be friends.

Big Bag of Chips

I would call her bluff on the self harm thing, because I genuinely don't believe she has any intention. In my experience people who do, generally don't talk about it, and everyone finds out, when its too late.

So contact her parents. Do you have a number for them? And tell them you ate concerned that she may do something silly and you are in no way qualified to deal with it.

That way you are handing responsibility for her over to them.

It's not your job to mind her. If her parents want to continue to do it, that is their choice, but you need to stay away from her. No more direct contact.

Good luck!

MagicSean

Just out of curiosity, would it be impossible for you to become good friends? Would it be something you'd want? Do you think she'd be able to keep you as a very good friend with the knowledge that nothing could ever happen.

I know people are saying to cut contact but maybe you could just put some barriers into the relationship. Tell her she won't lose you as you wish to remain good friends with her but you just don't see yourselves romantically compatable. Maybe she isn't so much afraid of losing a boyfriend as losing a friend?

I'm working on the assumption that you get on very well and would be happy to keep her as a friend of course. In the future, if you fine she cannot make the change from girlfriend to friend then you can start distancing yourself.

There is an ex-girlfriend of mine who has become a very good friend to me. At first it was difficult to establish the boundaries of our new relationship. But once we did we became very close plutonic friends. When your in a relationship with someone you share a lot and trust a lot. It's a shame to throw all this away unnecessarily.

tinkerbell

Normally OP, I'd say break up by text is the worst way to do it. However, there are exceptions to everything. This is a big exception - she wouldn't let you leave! Call her up (do not meet face to face) and say sorry, we're finished, we're not getting back together and then cut contact.

Neyite

MagicSean wrote: »

if you fine she cannot make the change from girlfriend to friend then you can start distancing yourself.

I think he is already at that point though. This girl is clearly not happy with him trying to break up. To the point where she is alluding to suicide if he leaves her. I'd say that indicates she cannot make the change from girlfriend to friend.

The reason I advise no contact is not to be callous, in fact its the opposite. The sooner she gets the message that it is over the sooner she can heal and move on with her life. If he keeps in touch, it keeps her hopes up that they are "on a break" and that its only a matter of time before they get back together and thats simply cruel.

In time, when her feelings for him have faded and she has clearly moved on, they can resume a friendship if there are reasons for it. But I would not want to be friends with someone who manipulated my feelings like that. Some people have been affected by and feel too strongly about suicide to forgive people who bandy it about to get their own way.

Tell her by text it's over
if she starts yelling threats again, DO definitely tell her parents

if she's serious, they will get her the help she needs
if she is BSing (which I am absolutely positive she is), it will cut out all the nonsense from her and you won't hear it again

keep a record of any texts or whatever she sends you and ones you've sent her, just in case

i would also echo that you must absolutely not sleep with her again (or even see her again if at all possible) and if the next tactic is "I'm already pregnant" then bring her to the doc, get people involved eg parents, and do not believe her unless given 100% unfakeable proof

MagicSean

Neyite wrote: »

I think he is already at that point though. This girl is clearly not happy with him trying to break up. To the point where she is alluding to suicide if he leaves her. I'd say that indicates she cannot make the change from girlfriend to friend.

The reason I advise no contact is not to be callous, in fact its the opposite. The sooner she gets the message that it is over the sooner she can heal and move on with her life. If he keeps in touch, it keeps her hopes up that they are "on a break" and that its only a matter of time before they get back together and thats simply cruel.

In time, when her feelings for him have faded and she has clearly moved on, they can resume a friendship if there are reasons for it. But I would not want to be friends with someone who manipulated my feelings like that. Some people have been affected by and feel too strongly about suicide to forgive people who bandy it about to get their own way.

At the moment he keeps taking her back romantically and this just adds confusion. If he tells her he can only be in her life in a non-romantic way and she can take it or leave it she can make that decision and as long as he remains firm in the noundaries he sets then he can come out of this with a friend instead of an ex.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,


Got a text this evening asking me to call out to hers as she just wanted an answer face to face whether or not it was over. I was slow to go there, basically because I thought it'd be a repeat of my last attempt - but it wasn't. She was a bit more relaxed about the whole thing now that she has had some time to think I guess.

She did try to stop me leaving for a good half hour, begging me to give her another chance and Christ, that was tough. But I guess that was love.

To say it was easy is a complete understatement. I never thought it would be as emotionally difficult as it actually was, as inside, it was over but not as official as it is now. I guess all in all today marks a new direction for both of us. I hope she meets someone who will cherish her more than I do...and no doubt, it'll take time for both of us to move on fully.

I just want to thank each and every one of ye who posted here - ye were my guidance throughout it all, and for that, I'm truly grateful.

C.