clingy girl

LegacyUser

I really am not sure where to start with this... Myself and my girlfriend have been together for two years now. I love her very much, and in a way that is why I am posting this here, because I know we need some help. I have talked to some friends and family about some stuff but I guess maybe someone completely outside this could offer some advice.

From early on into our relationship I noticed that she could be a little bit clingy. At first I didn't really pay too much attention to it, but I suppose the closer you become to someone these things become more magnified. Slowly I started to give in to the drama of doing some things which were essentially giving into her clingyness. For example I would push myself to go meet her or something, when really I would be exhausted after work or college and just want to go home to bed...to staying at her place more nights than I wanted...eventually I started to struggle to find a way to have an evening to myself. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy her company but I also need some time for myself too. There were also some sulks that made it difficult to see my friends, and one or two have commented she can be very posessive of my time.

I guess I have felt I am loosing myself a little bit to her, and in a way it is killing our relationship. I can imagine some people reading this now saying dude why are staying? Run! But I know things are not all bad between us either. She is extremely loving, and does a lot of effort to do really nice things for me, to cook for me, she also buys me really nice presents(not necessarily expensive) but stuff that I really care about. She gives a lot of herself to me, and in part I think this is also a problem. It is extremely rare that she will make her own plans for an evening. She doesn't really do her own thing, she relies on what I am doing and then if she doesn't really like it there will be a sulk and a tantrum...or both.

Seperate to this I have suffered some difficult and extremely upsetting personal circuimstances recently that I have also been trying to deal with. Someone very close to me has been diagnosed with Cancer and the prospects of things being ok does not seem good. My girlfriend has been an amazing support through this, but also a massive strain.

She has really been there for me but to one extent too much, and to another where she does not let me breath or give me time to process this on my own. However for all her support in the midst of this she has found room for massive crying dramas and tantrums which have really added to the strain of things. The dramas were about stuff as small as me leaving the house for a shortwhile with friends before she was even awake.

I hope someone can read this, and maybe make some sense of things because I am desperate for advice and help.

Ickle Magoo

You are entitled to your own space regardless of what's going on in your life and throwing a tantrum or sulking is emotional blackmail and completely bang out of order.

You really have to try to extract yourself a bit and establish some boundaries as you mean/want to go on - and that includes her behaving like an adult and stopping with the petulant child not getting their own way lark.

From making so much effort for you, not having a life of her own, huffing if you want some time away - it all sounds very controlling and unhealthy. I think you really need to sit her down and lay your cards on the table because you don't really have anything to lose - it's only going to get more irritating and claustrophobic the longer you let it go on.

All the best.

R.D. aka MR.D

Hey,

Is this her first proper relationship? Maybe this is the way she thinks shes supposed to be acting that you HAVE to spend all your time with her.

I think you tell her how much this is annoying you and try to come up with a plan to change things. Maybe you could agree how many nights you will see each other. You could designate that one night a week you will be doing something with your friends. Try to encourage her to get her own social life.

Failing those things maybe you guys could try a no contact break of 2 weeks? See how that goes. Give yourself some breathing room.

Last option available would be to cut her loose. It would be best for you both in the long run especially seeing as you have said sometimes you force yourself to be with her even when you don't want to be.

Taltos

OP - if she is unable or unwilling to change her misbehaviour then this is just going to escalate until one day a year or more from now you turn around and start to wonder who you are again.

As above - suggest you try to work this out but if the response you get is another tantrum or more tears then I think you have your answer and no matter all of the small things she is doing to endear herself this one thing is large enough that I would consider it a dealbreaker. Life's too short for these little drama's, if I want excitement like that I will watch Emmerdale or Holllyoaks.

Oryx

You need to tell her exactly what youve told us. Sparing her feelings on this one is not going to help. The more you facilitate her insecurity, the worse this is going to get, she needs to trust you, she needs to stand on her own two feet and not need you. A good relationship is two independent people with independent lives who come together because its good, not a codependent relationship where one person clings to the other like a liferaft. In any relationship you need to hold your partner 'with an open hand'; clinging to them crushes them. She simply doesnt understand this and you need to tell her.

Its cliched, but sometimes with some people cliches work:

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours. If it doesnt, it never was.

Tell her this. Tell her youll come back.

LovelyLottie

She sounds young, is she? In my first serious relationship at 17/18, i acted like this - totally unacceptable but i didn't have a clue what i was doing. I wasn't able to deal with the emotions i was feeling and thought that the guy i was with needed to spend all his time with me to make me feel secure. Misguided i know.

Talk to her. If you let it fester without talking, you'll get frustrated, there'll be more fights and you'll end up breaking up. Tell her exactly what you've said here - give her the chance to sort out her behaviour. If you love her, make sure that you emphasise that but maintain that you need your space in order for your relationship to survive.

Another thing, women don't always (or perhaps never!) understand that when a guy is going through a tough time emotionally, he may prefer to be alone and sort it out in his own head rather than talk. Women (not all of course) tend to prefer to talk through problems and spend time with the person they're closest to discussing these issues.

In a past relationship, when my ex was going through a tough time in work, he wanted to spend less time with me and didn't want to talk about his issues. This hurt me and made me feel shut out. We ended up breaking up and he said that during this time i crowded him out. All i thought i was doing was trying to be supportive and show him that i cared, but he just wanted to be left alone. He never communicated to me that he needed to be alone to sort out his issues and that it was no reflection on how he felt about me. Your gf will not know that you need time alone unless you tell her.

Talk to her. Good luck.

LegacyUser

wow! this is a carbon copy of what happened to me, got out of it over a year ago, Id say its very common problem... Im not going to tell you to blow up and end it, now atleast. Id just sit her down and in a sensitive and gentle way, speak you mind, now I did this and things didnt change anywhere near enough and I had to become more and more stern. Until i simply couldnt deal with it anymore, at which stage I was beyond head<snipped>.

LegacyUser

Its amazing, I seen a thread only weeks ago regarding a clingy BF and most of the women posters here said "run!!".

OP I would let her know that you need space to do your own thing, also try to include her in your social life once in a while to keep her happy.