Girlfriend's family seriously hurting our relationship

chiba_san

Hello all,

I've got a problem, talked with friends, but still no solid answer. Seeing people's comments.

Typically, I would assume a girlfriend's family not wanting to see me would be a problem. My problem is the opposite.

I've been dating my g/f for 2.5 years. the last 2 years we've lived together. We will argue/fight about my unwillingness to see her family once every 3 months or so. That means to say emotions boils over and a fight will occur over this issue once every 3 months, doesn't mean I am expected to see them once every 3 months. I am expected to see them about 5 times a month.

So in 2 years, around 8 fights. this is the only thing we ever fight about. I'm sure there might be some smaller fights on different matters from time to time, but none come to mind.

I don't want to show up to the sunday dinner, because i don't want to see her sister and her husband. they are mouthy, either aggressive, or overly passive. if i become aggressive, they become passive, when I am passive, they becaome aggressive. basically, it's not an environment I want to be in.

My wish is to not see them. it's not like i am controlling my g/f and not letting her see them. then that's my problem. my g/f can do whatever she wants. I do not control her in anyway. I only ask not to be controlled.

anyways, these arguments/fights are not of a static nature. the tension grows and gets worst. i really feel it is very, very stupid. and i am fed up. I have informed my g/f if I must see your family, then we are finished. I do not want to hear about it ever again.

it's always the same pattern. i complain. then i don't see them for 2-3 weeks. then i give in. see them. then i'm not happy. then it builds. then 8 weeks out, complain again. not see for maybe one month. then give in. then 8 weeks out, complain. over and over and over again.

what do you folks think?

whatdoicare

I hate to say this to you man - but this is part of being in a relationship. She has to do things you find important even if she doesn't like it and visa versa.

Take myself and the husband - together 9 years married two in May. He HATES my mother with a capital H but he sucks it up and stands by me whenever I go visit or whenever she visits - he grits his teeth and eats whatever she hands him - he does this because he loves me and knows that it's important to me.

As a compromise I do the same for him - he has a sister he finds hard to talk to and I, even though I'm non too fond of her either, make it my business to be there for him when he has to see her and then I make sure that the entire time we are there, not only is she is mostly talking to me, she is unable to bring up subjects or accusations that my husband has no wish to deal with. I keep the atmosphere happy happy! If you catch my meaning.

There are many more examples of both of us doing this for each other in our daily lives and it is in doing these things that we show how we really care for each other.

I'm afraid, if you care for your girlfriend, you gotta take the good with the bad. You really do have to suck it up and slap a big smile on your face - you are doing this for noone else in the world only your girlfriend.

Keep it in mind and cut her some slack - this is her family.

LegacyUser

Compromise!

Sit down, some evening in the middle of the week (Wed!) and come up with a compromise.

What about you going to Sunday dinner once a month? First Sunday of each month?

It's often enough for regular contact, but still gives you a break most of the time.

Now, you might start out looking for once every 3 months, and you might end up agreeing to once a fortnight - but you still get a break and she still gets to appear as a unit in front of the family. Once a month sounds reasonable to me though.

If it was me, I couldn't be doing with appearing at the in-laws dinner every weekend even if they were lovely. I'd find some excuse...

chiba_san

I had a g/f before whose dad hated me. the snide comment came from time to time. I didn't like it, but it was okay for me, because he is older and I give a bit more respect.

I considered maybe I do not love my g/f to do the sacrifice. one thing to consider is that this has not been going on for 6 weeks, it's 2 years which I have tried to cope. No one makes an effort except me. I always get her family gifts. it's the same, nothing changes. One would expect that the sisters husband who is a lawyer with several cars, one of which is a maserati, would be considerate enough to return a gift. this is only one example, i get gifts for them all.

another factor is that I used to be in debt, and earned less than my g/f. I paid half the rent during that time. now, i am out of debt and earn more than my g/f. I pay the full rent now. by this example, as you can see, i am on my own. I never got help when I am down, but when I am up, i give more.

My g/f's dad used to be a cop. he is now retired. he has an attrocious temper. however, he really likes me. in fact, he likes me more than he even likes his own kids probably. I am told he is the one who requests my attendance for the sunday dinners.

I am being told that he always asks why I don't show up. I have offered to hang out with him on a Saturday or at other times; but not the sunday dinner when the sister is there. this is not acceptable to my g/f.

There is no function for me at these sunday dinners. the sister and her husband do not need to see me nor do they even want to. her other brother and his wife don't care either way if i show or not. the only person who wants to see me is her dad, and I am fine to see him on my own. but i am told her mother doesn't like.

it's a weird atmosphere at these dinners. the wire is kept just taunt so that the tension is just right. i.e. if it was an all out argument, I would like it much more; then i can just lose my temper and go off. but it's not like that. it's nice and tense, but not too tense so I can get in my comfort zone to go off. it's annoying that way. it's a passive-aggressive environment.

LegacyUser

Chiba_san, please, stop bringing her family gifts - especially to those who don't appreciate them. It's not necessary and some people wouldn't like it. Birthday gifts are fine, or something for the one who does the cooking, but otherwise no.

And stop paying all the rent. If you both live together, you should both pay rent. It's a matter of respect for each other. Both pay their own way and both have equal power.

Beruthiel

chiba_san wrote: »

I have informed my g/f if I must see your family, then we are finished. I do not want to hear about it ever again.

You have put her between a rock and a hard place OP. How can she respond to that?

I have zero interest in seeing my mother in law. She's a nice enough woman but is passive aggressive when dealing with her son, which I can't stand.
Luckily for me she lives in France and so for the hubby, I will spend a few of my hard earned holidays to go see her once a year.
We have nothing in common. She speaks feck all English and my French isn't the best. I suffer through the days and am thrilled when they are over!

Compromise with your g/f. Offer to go see the out-laws X amount of times a year. She should not expect you to go see them all the time. Ye should meet somewhere in the middle.

Elmidena

I think she wants you to go so often in a bid to clear the atmosphere so it's not there for the rest of your lives.

The more you do something the easier it gets to ignore others' attitudes. I regularly stay with my partner whose family lied about me and hated me and didn't allow me there even for a cup of tea. This went on for the best part of a year til I finally OK'd the OH to tell his family my mother was dying in hospital two and half years ago. I have been allowed there and welcomed since, and that stung for a long long time. But I rise above it now, though it still hurts.

Also that Christmas I got gifts off the mother and sister. Binned the sister's without opening it, and only opened the mother's under duress (at my house, not OH's). Never touched the item since; blood money.

tbh

once every 3 months or so?

Dude - suck it up, and do this one little thing for her.

Sleepy

Compromise. Once a month is hardly going to ruin your life...

ElleEm

tbh wrote: »

once every 3 months or so?

Dude - suck it up, and do this one little thing for her.

They have big fights about it about every three months. She actually wants him to go to "Sunday dinners".

OP, you surely cannot be this selfish to tell your girlfriend that you never want to see her family. What about your future, if you get married or have kids? Will you be unhappy if they attend your wedding/ kid's births/ parties etc.?

I get that the sister and husband are difficult to be around but how long does one dinner last? Three hours, tops! I wouldn't expect my partner to come see my family every week, (I actually don't even see them that often myself!) but maybe if you sucked it up and went to one dinner a month, your girlfriend would be pleased with that.

Maybe if you went to visit her folk's with her midweek once during the month too. She obviously loves her family and wants for you to have a relationship with them. You should really make the effort. You need to build up a wall towards the sister and husband. If they are your real issue, then you just need to learn how to manage them better.

This will never go away. She will never be okay with you not making the effort with her family.

tbh

sorry - you're right - and sorry op. 5 times a month is a little much in fairness. I do think you should agree to see them about once a month without complaint tho.

Pebbles68

Sorry OP imo it's not the girlfriends family hurting the relationship, it's you.

They sound like a family who are close and have a family tradition of getting together for sunday dinners, lots of families do. I understand it's uncomfortable for you and accept every sunday may be too much. But I know what I'd be telling you to do if you gave me an ultimatum like that. How can you expect to have any future with a girl when you have told her you are never going to see her family?

So what that you don't like her sister and brother in law? Big deal. Clearly you don't respect them so why do you give a damn what they say? There opinions mean nothing to you. The atmosphere is only tense if you allow it to be. Have you ever tried to chill a bit and ignore what others say or do? In all fairness it's only a sunday lunch, it's not as if anything that happens around the table is actually going to really effect your life. If others want to have a row let them, why do you feel the need to get involved?

Accept that they are never going to change, take charge of your own feelings and stop letting others control your mood. Again, you have no respect for them so why on earth do you care what they say?

And finally, you do have a role at these dinners. It is to show your girlfriend love and support.

Neyite

I think its a parent thing, wanting all their kids and their families around for dinner, certainly my mother is beside herself when we all decend on the family home and chow our way through the mountains of food she has prepared while she looks on benevolently.

Do we all get on? Pfft, course not! There are some that are barely on speaking terms, having had a massive row some years back. I have one family member who wrecks my head, and another that I try and avoid like the plague. But we go and are nice and civil to each other for a couple of hours because we recognise that the mammy will be happy, and thats all that matters. Our partners come along too, and I'm sure it must be worse for them to suffer through it.

Making her father happy makes your girlfriend happy, making her happy will make you happy. Compromise, and agree to go once a month without quibble. Dont get drawn in to a debate or conversation that could escalate. Change the subject, or if its a really goading question, simply ignore it.

LegacyUser

What has you paying rent and giving gifts to her family have to do with you sitting down to dinner? All those issues are seperate to the recurring argument you have. My sister in law is fondly called Cruella, she's an bitter twisted individual that thinks everything must revolve around her and her immediate family and my being there just interferes. However much I hate her I love my husband more and his happiness is important to me. I play a part in ensuring his happiness by sitting in the same room as Cruella a couple of times a year. We also went on a family holiday with the rest of his brothers and sisters and Cruella last year and my husband ensuring my happiness booked a hotel down the road from the rest of them waiting to tell them until he knew their hotel was completely booked out.

There's a compromise there and it's down to how we cherish our relationship. You may not be actually asking for your girlfriend to do things for you that ensure your happiness but she could be doing this for you regardless because of how she feels about you. You could do Sunday lunch once and see how that is. Her family may be judging that you are not very invested in the relationship as you don't seem bothered to do a simple Sunday lunch with them and sharing their opinion with you.

Reesy

Can I suggest that if you discuss the stressful encounters with a therapist, they should be able to help you cope and deal with their behaviour? I've done similar for a personal issue myself not so long ago, and it helped a lot. I ended up rising above their arsey behaviour - to everyone's benefit.

chiba_san

thanks a lot for everyone's opinions. i appreciate them a great deal.

pickarooney

Screw that ****. I'm sure you have precious little free time as it is without having to waste every Sunday afternoon not only doing something you'd rather not do but in a hostile environment as well... your girlfriend needs to respect your wish not to be browbeaten into this as much as you need to respect her wishes to go there. Maybe go with her every couple of months but only if she actually wants you there rather than her parents requesting your presence.

OS119

yeah, i'm with him.

your GF's family aren't ruining your relationship, your GF is ruining your relationship with her ridiculous behaviour.

you're an adult, one of the great things about being an adult is that you get to choose how you spend your time. its your time, if you choose to spend it playing football, or going climbing, or sitting in front of the tv playing with yourself - or indeed spending every sunday with your parents - then thats your decision.

dipping in occasionally, making the token effort - these are all wise things to do, but they cannot be 'mandatory', and they lose their effect by being over-used.

as for advice - i'd find other things to do on a sunday. see what happens then - personally, if your GF still thinks you 'must' go to her family every sunday, even if you've got other things planned, then i'd be saying that this relationship has run its course. you're looking at a future where you don't have spare time, and where you don't get to be 'you', you just get to be 'her boyfriend'.

chiba_san

As some of you may have noticed, the responses I have received to this issue have varied quite a bit. My own way of handling this issue over the last 2 years have varied just as much as the answers have varied here as well. and my girlfriends attempts to handle this issue over the last 2 years have varied just as much as the answers on this thread have varied too.

typically, after I go to a gathering, I cannot sleep or sleep poorly. that is when I tell my g/f I don't want to do it anymore. she does not fight it, or argue. then 2 or 3 weeks down the road, she's pressured. and I begin to feel that pressure from her. that is when the fight occurs.

I am not really seeking for a full proof solution here, as I know there isn't one. In terms of advice - what I receive from my own aquaintances in my own life are comparable to what I receive here, which means it's just like playing a bunch or roulette hands and betting 50/50 on black or red (i.e. you'll get a bunch of blacks and a bunch of reds typically)

I've received advice from a friend. he told me that the biggest issue he can see is that I am afraid of conflict. Which he told me is characterised by my desire to go from very passive to very aggressive. people with this characteristic typically give an impression to the outside world that they are very aggressive, unafraid of conflict individuals, which I've been told is quite the opposite. he told me - as an exercise, and to train to be less afraid of conflict, simply ask her next time before jumping to conclusions "sister, why do you not seem to want to reply to me when I say hello to you?" or to her husband "why do you make snide remarks at me?" firstly, nobody wants to answer these questions. but if they do, do not judge their answers. and you will see improvement in your relationships with them. questioning based on one layer of judgement and asking the most obvious questions available is the bridge required to enter conflict properly. my friend is no pyschologist. but this advice has stood out more than any i've heard. and he's right, those 2 questions really are the real questions which I want to ask anyways, but I usually either say nothing or get angry.

bfocusd

Instead of having dinner in their house and it being the same dread of having to sit together, suggest to your gf that you have dinner out as a family, or do something out if the ordinary, make sure it's out of their norm. You would be surprised how peoples attitude change when out if their comfort zone.

It's worth a try, maybe a drink with dinner will help relax peoples egos and it could be the ice breaker you all need.

It looks like to me your stuck in a stubborn routine.

I've been there, expected to spend from 1-9pm visiting every Saturday, the thing I couldn't handle the most was having the same dinner EVERY week! The company most of the time fine, but the pressure to have roast beef and roast chicken drove me mad, the excuses I came up with to get out of having the dinner. I'm sure they all think I've an eating disorder, it would create one with that diet!