Damaged LTR

LegacyUser

I'll try to be as brief as possible. I was in a relationship with a guy for twelve years. The first 8 years we were very stable and a couple. He suffered badly from depression and, in my opinion, this was the cause of most of our problems. He's a highly intelligent and talented man, can put his hand to anything yet he consistently couldn't hold down a job because of the bouts of depression . This didn't bother me for the first six years or so but then as I approached my late twenties it started to drive me crackers. I wanted us both to be working towards our future and I felt like I was pulling him through all the time. He started to feel under enormous pressure, mainly from himself but also from me. I was never direct with him about how much it bothered me for fear of upsetting him but he could tell it was bugging the crap out of me, anyway he had a nervous breakdown, started behaving completely irrationally and was unintentionally quite mean and we ended up splitting up. Before the split I had the worst year of my life, he was extremely difficult to be around, refused to see a doctor or talk to me about what was going on and every second of every day i was scared he'd take his own life. I'd like to emphasise that I love this man to bits. He's the apple of my eye and was a wonderful partner for a long time. When we split up we stayed in contact and ended up seeing each other casually. He asked me if I'd get back and I said not until he got his **** together, sorted out some stuff in his life, started managing his illness and found a way of being a happier person. Fast forward to this time last year and he appeared to have achieved all this. We decided to get back together, agreed that communication had been the main problem and agreed we'd work hard on that. However, I found myself unable to trust him, was scared to let myself get close to him again and was always walking on eggshells, scared he'd lose the plot the way he did during the breakdown. He got extremely frustrated and responded by shutting me out, no doubt to protect himself. I tried to talk to him about it and he just walked out and then didn't answer my calls for a week. This is something that he used to commonly do during the depression years and he had promised me would never happen again. I also made a promise to myself that if he did this to me again I would break up with him, so I did. This was a few months ago now and I'm missing him terribly, I suspect he misses me too, he's sent a few emails, just chit chat, what he's been up to etc but no lovely doveyness. I love him and I miss him. I feel so lonely without him yet often felt unhappy with him. I don't know what to do, whether I should talk to him about getting back or whether I should just try and put him out of my mind and move on. Ten years ago I would have thought we'd be married and have a family now and it breaks my heart how much pain and hurt we've caused each other. I don't understand whats happened, somedays I feel like I'd be better off without him once I manage to heal and stop missing him so much but other days I miss him so terribly and feel so much love for him I just want to call him and beg him to come back. I've been feeling this way for months, or if I'm honest with myself, for years and I kept thinking that with time I'd have a better understanding of whether I should be with him or not but I don't. 

LovelyLottie

brokenheartedgirl,

i really feel for you. I recently went out with someone (but only for a few months) with similar issues. In the last month, things blew up as you described - walking out on me, shutting me out completely, ignoring my calls, then weeks later coming back and looking for forgiveness.

I only went out with this guy for 3 months and was left completely hurt, dazed and confused about what i had done to warrant this treatment. I can only imagine how hurt and mentally drained you are after 12 years.

But if i'm being honest with you, i think you've had a lucky escape. No matter how much you love someone, you can't fix their problems for them. And if i'm being really honest, reading your post, i feel that i have also had a lucky escape.

You are feeling sad and empty, because you are mourning the life that you thought you would have with him. It's normal that you're experiencing pain and grief. You just need to ride it out.

If i were you, i would try my best to cut contact - stop the friendly emails. It's holding you back from moving on and finding someone who can make you happy. Easier said than done, but it's the only way of moving on.

I know you still love this guy and miss him terribly. But his illness is part of him. If you can't live with this - and you have said that you couldn't - then you are doing the right thing by walking away. Best of luck.

hey op, i think you are better looking after yourself now, you spent a long time looking after him and, at the end of the day, he doesnt seem to have helped himself too much.

i understand you love him, you feel maybe you shouldve done more, but really could you?? you spent a long long time with him and things didnt change.

maybe you're thinking how thing shouldve been if it wasnt for his problems? we have all been guilty of this bit to be honest thats a pipe dream, he has his problems, they caused problems, he cant/wont sort them out. what can you do?
just look after yourself, in my opinion. you should believe you tried and did enough, he didnt. thats really it, isnt it?