When and how to tell step child?

theg81der

Hi everyone

I`m nearly 11 weeks and now thinking about telling my step-daughter when I hit the 12 week mark. Was going to wait but I`m afraid someone will say it by accident or on fb.

She has 2 other siblings from her mum who she lives with. I spoke to my hubby and said maybe he should discuss it with his ex first but he doesn`t want to do this. Step-Daighter may not be bothered or could be (she find change difficult in some situations) so no telling how she`ll react.

I really want her to feel part of this and to develope a bond with our child. I think we will have to move house as she won`t stay where we currently live and I would like to try to have her around more, would it be a good idea to try to have her maybe for the first few days after baby comes to bond as a family?

Any suggestions as to how to tell her? Anyone with any exerience to offer?

Oh me and her dad been together as long as she can remember and I have a very good relationship with her, we have weekly visitation usually on Saturday.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Going unreg for this one but I have a stepdaughter too, she is 11 years old and we had the same situation a number of months ago. This is how it worked for us.

We, like you, wanted to tell her before someone else got the chance to tell her first. She also has siblings living with her in her mother's house.

Personally, my OH did not want to discuss it with his ex first as it would have led to her telling the child before we did and it wouldn't have been a positive spin she would have put on it.

We sat her down over dinner and explained that we were having a baby and told her when it was due. She was taken aback, a little shocked with a few tears but I'd say that was because it was the last thing she was expecting to hear. After a few minutes she asked a few questions like 'will I have to change bedrooms?', 'will I still be able to visit'? etc. We simply explained that nothing will change bar the fact that there will be an extra little person in the house. My OH explained that he will love both children equally and I did the same. I have an excellent relationship with her but she still needed to hear that I will treat both of them the same and love both of them equally. I know this some people would say 'how on earth could you promise that to the child' as I had no children before this and although I had no idea if my feelings would change, she is a child who loves me dearly and needed to know that I wouldn't treat her as some sort of outcast when the baby was born. We told her that we would still spend quality time together and do the same things as before. Sometimes the baby would come with us, other times the baby would go to Grandparents for a few hours to let us do things by ourselves like we used to. She was very happy to hear this.

During the pregnancy we never brought up the subject of baby when she came out to spend time with us. We did tell her the sex when we found out though. This might sound harsh but we felt that her time with us was important. If she asked us questions we would answer them but we didn't want 'her time' taken over with baby talk. After a few weeks we found she was asking more and more questions, buying and making little things for the baby and even drew up a list of names. The names we discussed together and had a laugh over it etc but again, we didn't spend too long talking about it (30 mins tops) as it was 'her time' with us. We felt that if we didn't make a big deal of it with all the chat and baby talk that she would soon see that there was nothing to panic about. We did have had to deal with a few comments from her like 'oh, when the baby arrives ye won't want to see me' and she also repeated these comments to her grandparents but these ideas were coming from her mother and her mother's family so we just reinforced what we had said previously.

It would be a nice idea to get her involved when your baby arrives, but still do little things with just the 3 of ye so as she doesnt feel like her special time with ye is over. Basically just go with the flow, she may wel lwant to spend every waking minute with the baby or may start to get bored after a while. Also, you really do need to be involved when telling her as she may feel that when baby arrives that it's you and the baby on one side and her and daddy on the other.

I have no idea about the situation with your hubby and his ex but ours can be hostile to say the least and her mother does all she can to keep my OH and his daughter apart so this may have influenced our decision to do things the way we did.

Best of luck, I hope it goes well for you and congrats on your bub! x

Fri.Day

Depends on her age but as I`m from the "first" family and I was an adult so wasn`t any issue.
Maybe a trip to somewhere fun (cinema/bowling) and announce ye have "very good news" and she`ll take it as such, then change the subject back to her day so it`s all part of a good day out.
Good luck with it

theg81der

Oh sorry forgot to say she`s 12 so kind of a funny age too she`s starting to get hormonal etc.

kaalgat

So far I've only seen responses from posters who had a good experience telling the step-kids, so I'll share our experience with you as well. It was a nightmare, and still is...

My hubby has 3 teenage daughters from his first marriage. When I found out I was pregnant in September 2011, we were absolutely delighted, but for the one fear of telling the kids.
Our relationship with the 3 daughters have been on and off, good and bad. Sometimes we all get along, sometimes they want nothing to do with us. I put this down to them being teenagers. Sometimes they are ok with everything, sometimes they are still angry over the fact that their parents split up and their dad found someone new.

We decided to wait until after Christmas to tell them. I had guessed that they might be upset, and therefore did not want to ruin their Christmas. To use the word upset is understating it.
We sat down with them in a restaurant, in a quiet, private corner where we could talk privately. We told them that I am pregnant, and I explained as best I could that this didn't mean that we were replacing them, or forgetting about them. That their time with their dad and visiting us was still their time. Their dad told them that nobody else knew yet, and that he wanted to tell them personally, that he knew it would possibly hurt them, but that maybe it would hurt even more if they heard the news from elsewhere. Maybe they would feel that they weren't important enough to him that he could tell them personally. I told them that I would love for them to be part of our lives with our new baby, that we would love for our baby to know his/her sisters.

Their reactions were like a nuclear explosion to be honest. They called me all kinds of names, wh**e being probably the worst of it. The eldest (16) slapped her father in the face, the middle one (14) kicked him in the shin and the youngest (13) jumped up and shouted that she hated him and that he is a B@stard.

So I just wanted to highlight to you the other side of the experience. It can go this way too. Even with the best of intentions..

theg81der

kaalgat wrote: »

So far I've only seen responses from posters who had a good experience telling the step-kids, so I'll share our experience with you as well. It was a nightmare, and still is...

My hubby has 3 teenage daughters from his first marriage. When I found out I was pregnant in September 2011, we were absolutely delighted, but for the one fear of telling the kids.
Our relationship with the 3 daughters have been on and off, good and bad. Sometimes we all get along, sometimes they want nothing to do with us. I put this down to them being teenagers. Sometimes they are ok with everything, sometimes they are still angry over the fact that their parents split up and their dad found someone new.

We decided to wait until after Christmas to tell them. I had guessed that they might be upset, and therefore did not want to ruin their Christmas. To use the word upset is understating it.
We sat down with them in a restaurant, in a quiet, private corner where we could talk privately. We told them that I am pregnant, and I explained as best I could that this didn't mean that we were replacing them, or forgetting about them. That their time with their dad and visiting us was still their time. Their dad told them that nobody else knew yet, and that he wanted to tell them personally, that he knew it would possibly hurt them, but that maybe it would hurt even more if they heard the news from elsewhere. Maybe they would feel that they weren't important enough to him that he could tell them personally. I told them that I would love for them to be part of our lives with our new baby, that we would love for our baby to know his/her sisters.

Their reactions were like a nuclear explosion to be honest. They called me all kinds of names, wh**e being probably the worst of it. The eldest (16) slapped her father in the face, the middle one (14) kicked him in the shin and the youngest (13) jumped up and shouted that she hated him and that he is a B@stard.

So I just wanted to highlight to you the other side of the experience. It can go this way too. Even with the best of intentions..

OMG Thank god for my step daughter - she is nothing like this! I can`t believe the way they treat you, this must come from somewhere.

kaalgat

theg81der wrote: »

OMG Thank god for my step daughter - she is nothing like this! I can`t believe the way they treat you, this must come from somewhere.

Yes, their mother. I hate to say this but the kids have never gotten the support they needed through the divorce from their mother. She has played a very hard game at keeping them away from their dad, telling them he doesn't give her any money and that he is going to sell the house on them so they have nowhere to live. The actual fact is that their dad signed over the house to their mum, gave her a car and gives her 2.5k per month.

Can you blame them for not being my biggest fans? In their minds, I am the root cause of all their worries, even though they have nothing to be worried about!

My only hope left is that they go to uni and get out from under her roof and her influence, have their own relationships and grow up in a fashion that teaches them to use their own minds to think things through..