Is this intuition or irrational?

LegacyUser

I want to direct this mostly to the women of the forum although men are free to comment.

Two weeks ago for some strange reason I started having feelings that my wife whom I've been very happily married for almost two years is going behind my back. I can't quite grasp it just a feeling she is not being faithful although I know this is not the case because she works full time and the rest of the time she is with me.

Lately she has started being a bit more secretive such as closing the screen on the laptop when she leaves the room, typing in a manner to suggest she is chatting with someone (even though she has told me of her own volition that she doesn't chat to anyone) and being noticeably cagey around her phone and so on.

Now a lot of people will jump straight in and say that are these are definite signs that something is amiss and that she may be having an online affair but not wishing to carry it into real life. That may be the case and I am not the kind of guy who starts to freak out and make accusations or start spying although I am really tempted to pick up the phone when she is in the shower and read her sms's or look through her call log.

To add to my sense of suspicion that something may be going on she has suddenly been asked to work late next Friday which has NEVER happened before. It is only an hour extra which is hardly time to have some torrid affair and head back home to her husband and kids (which are mine from a previous relationship).

Now I am a pretty perceptive guy and usually acknowledge gut feelings which seem to sending me warning signs or then again it could be my own insecurity putting me in some kind of feedback loop and convincing me that there is something afoot. I have been right before but am willing to accept this as acute paranoia or even some hidden unacknowledged desire or fantasy of another man being with my wife.

Your thoughts please?

LegacyUser

Listen to your gut. Check her phone just in case. Then you'll have your answers.

ElleEm

Don't check her phone! I would speak to her about it. Say that you're noticing she's acting a bit wierd and want to know if there is something up. Act like a grown up and discuss it! Checking her phone is invading her privacy and breeching her trust in you. It's shady and unnecessary. You should be able to talk about this stuff. She is your wife,after all.

Elmidena

I don't advocate it, but if you know your wife's PIN and she's registered her SIM then you can log in and check her calls/texts that way, without actually reading anything. It would probably only add to more insecurity for you but it is an option, even if it is one I don't like.

You have been happily married, but how often have you told her she looks pretty or asked if she'd like to go to the cinema or dinner or relax with a bottle of wine? Kids don't necessarily mean no hope for romance, it is a cog in the works alright but maybe she just feels like wallpaper and is happy that someone has taken notice of her. I am not justifying her suspicious behaviour, but affairs rarely stem from nowhere. Most likely there is an underlying cause for her to feel unhappy and then flattered by another's attention.

Maybe it's an ex or someone you don't like and she wants to talk to them but avoid a row? I think you should talk to her outright about it, keep it cool and diplomatic and then dialogue would be more agreeable. Hopefully you will get your answer one way or another, but the longer this isn't resolved is the longer your head will be eating at you, not a good way to start the new year off. Best of luck OP

Neyite

Advocating checking her phone or logging in secretly to her texts online is nuts based on the (very little!!) information you have...

Ever think she might be arranging a nice surprise for an upcoming anniversary or birthday??

Neyite

sunflower27 wrote: »

A surprise crossed my mind as well!

I am by no means advocating snooping. I did it in my case because it wasn't just a hunch. We had bought a home together and I needed to know so I could leave and get the ball rolling re selling the house.

I am by no means suggesting logging in to her personal accounts, just to clarify that.

I agree - I think there would have to be an awful lot more things not adding up before snooping comes into play. Really the OP has not much "proof" as yet. Much different if she was all of a sudden working till all hours, and didnt leave her phone behind when she showers.

LegacyUser

ElleEm wrote: »

Don't check her phone! I would speak to her about it. Say that you're noticing she's acting a bit wierd and want to know if there is something up. Act like a grown up and discuss it! Checking her phone is invading her privacy and breeching[sic] her trust in you. It's shady and unnecessary. You should be able to talk about this stuff. She is your wife,after all.

And , after speaking to her, she would, if hiding something, admit to it? Not on your Nelly.

If someone has become secretive, then there's a reason and it's unlikely to be given up freely.

OP, do whatever you need to do. If you find nothing, then say nothing. If you find evidence, then act on it. If you find evidence and are then accused of spying, ignore the accusations, as it will only be to deflect you from the real issue, the reason such evidence exists.

LegacyUser

I always follow my gut and it never lets me down

That said, perhaps she is hiding something but it's not what you think it is?

Maybe she's having a crisis that she doesn't feel she can share with you? It's not necessarily an affair or online romance.

I genuinely believe honesty can get you anything you want in life

If I were in your shoes I would just say to her that you've been having a funny feeling in your gut, you trust her 100% but something is telling you that everything isn't adding up and your wondering if she wants to talk to you about anything that might be going on - tell her you understand that she deserves privacy and you respect her to have that but whatevers been going on has been making you uncomfortable so if she could give you some small explaination to put your mind at ease you'd really appreciate it.

ElleEm

bananaRep12 wrote: »

And , after speaking to her, she would, if hiding something, admit to it? Not on your Nelly.

If someone has become secretive, then there's a reason and it's unlikely to be given up freely.

OP, do whatever you need to do. If you find nothing, then say nothing. If you find evidence, then act on it. If you find evidence and are then accused of spying, ignore the accusations, as it will only be to deflect you from the real issue, the reason such evidence exists.

He could be able to gauge by her reaction whether she is lying or uncomfortable being asked. They are married- I don't think it should be that hard to raise such a subject.

mightbehelpful wrote: »

I always follow my gut and it never lets me down

That said, perhaps she is hiding something but it's not what you think it is?

Maybe she's having a crisis that she doesn't feel she can share with you? It's not necessarily an affair or online romance.

I genuinely believe honesty can get you anything you want in life

If I were in your shoes I would just say to her that you've been having a funny feeling in your gut, you trust her 100% but something is telling you that everything isn't adding up and your wondering if she wants to talk to you about anything that might be going on - tell her you understand that she deserves privacy and you respect her to have that but whatevers been going on has been making you uncomfortable so if she could give you some small explaination to put your mind at ease you'd really appreciate it.

This is great advice.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

So, she has never worked back late before - ever?

No this is literally the first time. It is not entirely implausible as there has been people leaving her work so they could be short staffed.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Can you elaborate a bit more on this gut feeling you have that something is amiss. Did it just come about because of the behaviour with the phone/chatting online?

It might sound weird but it came entirely out of the blue and then it was like I seemed to notice all these little things which could be entirely innocent. For instance she got a message last week and when I asked my wife said it was from a woman she used to work with six months or more ago who suggested meeting to catch up. That was the first one and it seemed weird that a woman who is literally twice her age would want to meet.

As I said it could all be legit and I am working myself up inside. Sometimes it's hard to tell what is a gut feeling and what is that horrible icky feeling you get when you contemplate that the person you love could go behind your back.

Not sure about how others feel but I believe that the mere consideration of being with someone ( a real life person as opposed to fantasy) let alone meeting someone in secret even without actually touching each other is a breach of trust.

LegacyUser

Also thank you for the sage advice and input from other posters.

LovelyLottie

OP - are you generally secure in your relationship? And this is the first time you've had this sort of feeling?

I think if you are generally secure and this is something out of the ordinary for you, then as suggested above talk to your wife.

I think gut feeling is generally the way to go, but that needs to be tempered with common sense. You are married, committed to each other and she's never before given you any reason to doubt her (that's what i gathered anyway from your post).

Before you start checking any texts or anything like that (because snooping is only going to make you feel like you're doing something wrong too, and that will cloud the issue) speak to her. What mightbehelpful said as a way of approaching the subject, is good advice.

If after speaking to her, your fears have not been allayed and you still have a gut feeling that something is going on, then perhaps start to dig a little deeper. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

LovelyLottie wrote: »

OP - are you generally secure in your relationship? And this is the first time you've had this sort of feeling?

I would say that I am given that I am ten years older and most people would describe her as very attractive or desirable even. I have never felt threatened or anything like that. If anything she is probably more possessive and territorial around other women than I am of her.

We have talked about infidelity in relationships and she has stated that she is totally into being faithful. But often those who shout the loudest about these things have the most to hide. Then again this could be my irrational side revealing itself.

I have held off talking to her about this for fear of making myself look insecure or suspicious of her so I am taking a 'wait and see' approach because I realize the potential of doubts, once they creep in, to destroy the relationship and even become a self fulfilling prophesy.

LegacyUser

OP, take mightbehelpful's advice above.

Anything could be troubling her. Maybe she's afraid she's going to be let go and doesn't want to tell you. Maybe her best friend's marriage is in trouble. Maybe she has a medical problem she's worried about. Or maybe it is a surprise gift or holiday she's planning.

If you jump in and start snooping, or start accusing her of seeing someone behind your back she could feel totally betrayed and it'll be you that causes the marriage to be in trouble.

Talk to her first, carefully, and make it clear that you are troubled by it so she doesn't just brush it off.

LegacyUser

Sybill wrote: »

Talk to her first, carefully, and make it clear that you are troubled by it so she doesn't just brush it off.

Last night I initiated a conversation by saying that even though I trusted her I had been getting feelings that something was not quite right. I really did have to tread carefully so as not to accuse her of going behind my back and to make it more about my own doubts.

It set off a flood of tears and involuntary shaking and declarations of how much she loved me and could never be untrue and was afraid she would lose me. Now I'd like to think I have a sensitive side without being a snag but this type of reaction confuses me even more which is why I directed this towards women because they can better sense certain behavior by other women.

I feel much better after the talk but there are still lingering doubts. When she gets home from work later after having to work back we will play 'doctors and nurses' and if the doctor is on the ball he will be able to detect that something is not quite right and examine it carefully. Cheesy metaphor I know but I hope you get the picture..

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to tell you this but when someone is cagey about their phone and brings it EVERYWHERE with them (i.e make the effort to pick it up and bring it with them when they're going to the bathroom or kitchen to make a cup of tea) it is the number one sign that they are cheating. The fact that she is typing away furiously on facebook and then saying shes not chatting to anyone or closing the laptop when you sit beside her is another tell tale sign.

These are huge tell tale signs in their own right but the fact that you have been married for years and you are recognizing in your gut that something is wrong...well alarm bells should be ringing.

Her reaction is also incredibly weird. SUCH an emotional outburst is an outburst of someone who is guilty and afraid they've been caught. If literally nothing was going on then it would be more of a perplexed response or even slight anger. Floods of tears and shaking uncontrollably when you havent done anything is very odd.

Now maybe after that she'll call off Friday. But if she doesn't I GUARANTEE she wont be home in an hour. She'll get 'held up'. She could also simply be going for a shag and only needs an hour. Either way i'd be VERY suspicious.

Check her phone and computer.

Sleepy

sunflower27 wrote: »

Why would she think you would leave her?

Because maybe she knows she's done/doing something that would make the OP leave her?

I am a friend

Or maybe she is worried that nothing she says will make him believe her. Maybe she is worried he is looking for ways out and is using this as an excuse. Am just playing devils advocate here... Just because she got upset doesn't mean she is guilty

Oryx

I wont go into details but in the first year of my marriage I got asked (out of a clear blue sky) if I was having an affair. So ridiculous a question it was laughable. But Im sure I didnt laugh. I dont remember crying either, but I probably did at the possiblity that my oh could even think that. I dont remember what prompted it, probably just the changes that sometimes happen in the settling in stages of matrimony!

Your gut is hardly ever wrong, but it can be, sometimes.

LovelyLottie

I don't think any of us can say definitively what is going on here.

If you don't feel reassured by your talk, talk to her again.

Although i have done some snooping myself in the past, i would refrain from it for the moment. It leaves you feeling crappy inside. I would use it as a last resort really.

Her being scared of losing you, while it may reassure you that she cares for you, is beside the point.

When you talked to her, did you ask for explanations for her unusual behaviour? And did she give you any believable answers?

If i were you i would cite specific examples of the behaviour which has caused you to doubt her fidelity (hiding her phone, talking to people online, working late etc.). See what the explanations are. Tread carefully (because she may be innocent) but try and get some answers. Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP, unfortunately if someone is very protective of their phone it usually means theyre cheating.

Has she changed at all in other ways?