Long term relationship over?

LegacyUser

I have been going out with a girl for over 4 years. This year we both decided to go travelling and she went with friends and i followed a month later. Anyway she was only gone and i instantly knew id made a huge mistake. She is only 21 and has never really been single and i had wanted her to get that crazy time out of her system. So I told her to be single, we were apart for almost 10 weeks till I got to Oz.

Since I have got to Australia, I have become very jealous and am almost at the point of dillusional over some things. I finally managed to reign myself in but she had asked us just to be casual for a while. She had the intention of going travelling again with her mates only and I didnt really put up a fight. Things were going ok, we were getting on really well and i felt the spark come into the relationship. Then on saturday night I decided that either she wanted me or she didnt.

We had a massive discussion on Sunday with me basically saying i want to cut off all ties and not see or hear from her for a while. I thought this was the best course of action as it might help me move on. However we have been txting a bit since then and she is telling me she is devastated and still thinks we are gonna be together again in the future. I cant seem to get through to her that I want a fresh start if she wants to stay casual. I still love this girl an unbelievable amount and I really am struggling. Im also being paranoid and fixated on the fact she has been with other people (i have too btw).

Its killing me inside, what should i do, break all ties and try avoid her? Still be friends and feel this ridiculous uncontrollable jealousy? Or just disappear on my own and move on from where I am now in Oz? She has never really committed to anything, we were together while in college and as soon as that finished she wanted to run away from the real world, I feel she is doing this again with me and I really dont know how to deal with it. My friends say im like a comfort blanket to her, I need help!

Confused and in a daze

Chinafoot

Inadaze wrote: »

I have been going out with a girl for over 4 years. This year we both decided to go travelling and she went with friends and i followed a month later. Anyway she was only gone and i instantly knew id made a huge mistake. She is only 21 and has never really been single and i had wanted her to get that crazy time out of her system. So I told her to be single, we were apart for almost 10 weeks till I got to Oz.

Why did you want her to go and be single? Had she given you any indication that she wanted to have this "crazy time"? Did you tell her that when she was already in Australia?

Inadaze wrote: »

Since I have got to Australia, I have become very jealous and am almost at the point of dillusional over some things. I finally managed to reign myself in but she had asked us just to be casual for a while. She had the intention of going travelling again with her mates only and I didnt really put up a fight. Things were going ok, we were getting on really well and i felt the spark come into the relationship. Then on saturday night I decided that either she wanted me or she didnt.

With all due respect OP, first you tell her to go and be single until you get there and then when you do get there you turn into this jealous boyfriend. You are sending her unbelievably mixed signals here. If you have been jealous to the point of delusion then you can't really blame her for asking for things to calm down, can you? Then you decide you're not happy with cooling things... I'm surprised she can keep up.

Inadaze wrote: »

We had a massive discussion on Sunday with me basically saying i want to cut off all ties and not see or hear from her for a while. I thought this was the best course of action as it might help me move on. However we have been txting a bit since then and she is telling me she is devastated and still thinks we are gonna be together again in the future. I cant seem to get through to her that I want a fresh start if she wants to stay casual. I still love this girl an unbelievable amount and I really am struggling. Im also being paranoid and fixated on the fact she has been with other people (i have too btw).

It sounds to me like you're the one who is most confused about what you want in this relationship and you're using her age and the assumption she has to have this "crazy time" as an excuse. Of course she's confused! Remember OP, it was you that decided she should be single and have her "crazy time" before you then flip-flopped into the jealous boyfriend.

Why do you have a problem with her being with other people when you have done the same?

Inadaze wrote: »

Its killing me inside, what should i do, break all ties and try avoid her? Still be friends and feel this ridiculous uncontrollable jealousy? Or just disappear on my own and move on from where I am now in Oz? She has never really committed to anything, we were together while in college and as soon as that finished she wanted to run away from the real world, I feel she is doing this again with me and I really dont know how to deal with it.

Hang on, she's "running away from the real world" by going travelling? Get a grip ffs. Why wouldn't she go travelling? We're in a crappy recession where job, particularly for graduates, are few and far between. She's 21 years of age and going travelling is what I would recommend to anyone in her position. What do you want her to commit to? She was happy to have you come travelling with her. That's a pretty big commitment at 21. I'm confused as to what other signs of commitment you expect her to have shown from the age of 17 to 21. Did you want her to marry you, get a mortgage and have kids? Of course not!

How is she running away? You have admitted that you were jealous to the point of delusion, after initally telling her to be single until you got there, and it sounds like she made the mature decision to calm things and take some space away from each other. You then shifted the goalposts yet again and decided that it was all or nothing. You are the one causing confusion here not her.

Inadaze wrote: »

My friends say im like a comfort blanket to her, I need help!

Your friends are going to tell you exactly what you want to hear.

Look OP, you sound like you haven't a clue what you want from this relationship at all. If you want to break up and be with other people then do it. You seem to think you were doing her a favour by telling her to go and be single until you got there. If my boyfriend of 4 years said that to me when we would only be apart from 10 weeks all I would think is "well it sounds like he fancies a bit of the single life." You are putting all of this on her shoulders when you have done nothing but send mixed signals as to what you want from her.

Decide what you actually want and stick to it. If you can't do that then cut ties and let her go. Nobody deserves a headwreck like this.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I really appreciate it, I needed a neutral opinion and as hard as it was for me to hear its gonna make me realise how i have behaved is irrational. I love the girl and it was a discussion we both had to break up, I feared if she never went mad for a while she would not be happy in future. I realise its a pretty stupid thing too say but i genuinely have our best interests at heart. I know what I want and know I realise by behaving the way I have, I may have actually pushed her further away. We are both going to take a breather from each other for a week to let the emotions cool. Its tough on both of us, the thing that hurts is she says she wants to get back together at some point but not right now. I cant quite get my head around it but im going to just take a step back and see how we both feel.

Again thanks for the replies it has made me look in the mirror

Chinafoot

I appreciate that you're confused but try to see things from her perspective. You've been going from one extreme to the other and I doubt she has any clue what you really want. You say you love her but you effectively dumped her for the 10 weeks she was on her own. Were you with other people during that period? Unless she told you she felt she was missing out on things and actually wanted to be with other people there was no reason for you to do what you did.

It sounds like she's trying to give you time to decide what it is you really want because it sounds like you're just projecting what you really want (the wild times and being with other people) onto her. If I was in her position I would do the same. I wouldn't want my boyfriend acting like a loony jealous boyfriend when I'm supposed to enjoying the travelling experience.

You can't keep shifting the goal posts all the time and expect her to be ok with it.

Have a very serious think about what you actually want, not what you think she needs to experience. Your actions are telling her you don't want to be with her so your words mean nothing.