Sexual Anxiety

LegacyUser

Hi all,
going unreg for this.

Im 22 male and i only begun to get out of my comfort zone about a year and a half ago. I would consider myself of average build but was always shy around most people especially women. About a year and a half ago, i went on a lads holiday, and ever since then i began to go out more and meet new people.

The first time i ever kissed a girl was when i was 20, and ever since then have met a few nice girls(nothing more than a kiss and some fondling). I have now met someone i really like and we have been going out for about 2 or 3 months. I get the feeling that she has a good bit of experience in the sack and its worrying me. She has asked me how many women iv been with and iv just lied as i am ashamed i am still a virgin at 22. I have had several chances to have sex with her, however iv made excuses such as no protection or im too tired. Im worried my lack of experience will put her off me. Iv always heard that your first time you wont last too long and i wont know exactly what i am doing.I have told her i am fairly shy when it comes to these things and she seems fairly understanding, but i feel the longer i put it off, the relationship will run into problems as a result.

Does anyone here have any similar experiences and any suggestions?

Kevin Duffy

I'll bet you my next weeks wages she won't be put off. Don't be afraid to tell her you're not that experienced and if you're both on the same page, stop making excuses and do what you know you want to. You'll get over the nerves pretty quickly and you'll never look back.

greenprincess

I agree, I dont think she will mind at all. Just tell her and go enjoy yourself!!

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, I was very nervous around the opposite sex when I was younger. I was 24 when I had my first sexual experience and I was nervous as hell, when the first situation arose it was obvious to her I was anxious so when she asked me "was I ok?" I told her it was my first time and her response was simply "And?" it didnt bother her in the slightest.

This significantly reduced the pressure on me and while it was still an akward situation (the first time always is) it wasnt nearly as daunting as I had built it up to be.

While I am not advising you to rush into anything you are not ready for, the longer you let your anxiety build up the more difficult it is likely to be to overcome. I would suggest if you feel ready to do so to start exploring each others bodies without having full sex if you are still nervous the more you are used to being naked with her and touching her etc the less daunting the first time will be.

I would be very surprised if she was put off by you telling her, she has been going out with you for a few months so she is obviously interested and more than likely already suspects your lack of experience and it has not put her off yet.

From a female's perspective, I wouldn't be put off. I'd be a little suprised alright, but not put off. In fact I think it would make me nervous being someone's else's first time! If you think you want to lose your virginity to this girl, and your relationship is at a stage where you can be open, then tell her the truth. I'd recommend to do it at a neutral time like having a cuppa or watching tv. A fumbling around moment is probably not the best time to tell her the truth.

Also, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Don't worry about experience anyway, if all goes well, you and her will get lots of practice in and you'll wonder what all the worry was about!

OP - put it this way - if she stops seeing you just because you're a virgin, then she wasn't interested whatsoever. So, by telling her you could actually be dodging a bullet. Just so you know - your first time isn't likely to be anything amazing, but it does get better, much much better with practice. So just tell her that you're a virgin. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

LegacyUser

OP here: Im having massive problems now. We went out last night and had great fun, then i brought her back to mine, she asked again if i was virgin and this time i said yea. She didnt mind and we got down to business.We stripped off and there was heavy touching, and i went down on her. Now this is where the problem started..I couldnt get an erection at all!

At the beginning she said it was ok, but i knew it wasnt. She asked me am i attracted to her and i said theres not a doubt in my mind that i am. I started to get sad as she laid there with me. She wanted to go home but i persuaded her not to. I knew in my mind that if she went home, it would make me worse.

The following morning, she said we should take a break for a week.Ie not text or meet up. I agreed with her even though i didnt want to. She knows i have something planned for her next weekend so we will be meeting up again next friday.

We went out for some breakfast this morning, and i was very distant. I barely spoke and i wasnt my usual self around her. I only gave her a light peck on the cheek when i said good bye to her.

Now im back in bed, trying to hold back the tears. I feel so inadequate and ruined a good night we had together.....

To make things worse, i arranged a trip abroad with her, so it will just be me and her for 4 days next Friday. She doesnt know what i have planned for her and now id prefer not to go. I thought i would have fixed this problem by now,but nows its only got exponentially worse! I dont know what i will do now when we will be abroad because i am afraid the same thing will happen and if it does, i think our relationship may end

LegacyUser

This experience thing doesn't really count. A guy could have been with loads of women and still not be able to please this girl. There is no set format. Every woman is different and likes different things and the only way to find out is to ask her what she likes, how she likes certain things done and so on. Doesn't come about all in one go but thats the fun part.

Obviously nerves got the better of you. I have no doubt she felt awkward in that she maybe thinking it was her that was the problem not you, asking you if you found her attractive is a sign. She probably thinks she wasn't doing enough to turn you on etc. You'll need to reassure her that you like her, tbh I would text her and tell her you miss her and would like see her before the weeks out or something along those lines.

Regarding getting down to business again, I wouldn't go out first, I would try make a night if it indoors and maybe start kissing / cuddling early on, take it real slow, lie naked together and play and experiment. The longer you do this, the more relaxed you will get, don't focus on penetration. If you can relax, you won't have a problem getting an erection. If you are nervous about something, say it, air it out and it will help you relax.

mikemac1

I couldnt get an erection at all!

Not uncommon OP
Or sometimes you can get an erection but fail to ejacualate the first time. Indeed the first few times

Chill OP

Ye were out last night, can I assume you were drinking? Drink doesn't help a man here, not at all

She asked me am i attracted to her and i said theres not a doubt in my mind that i am

Some girls do this, I don't know why they blame themselves but they sometimes do. Just reassure her. And in this case it's not difficult as it's the truth

i arranged a trip abroad with her, so it will just be me and her for 4 days next Friday. She doesnt know what i have planned for her and now id prefer not to go.

Go on the trip, don't cancel. You seem a good lad and you're spoiling her

I feel so inadequate and ruined a good night we had together

I thought i would have fixed this problem

Tell the voice in your head to shut up, if you're going to spend the week beating yourself up then you'll never even give yourself a chance

Fixed the problem?, it's not a car you are fixing OP. Worrying and over-thinking this is the worst thing you can do

• Go on the trip with this girl
• Lay off the booze on your first night there. Yeah one or two won't kill you but don't get drunk and then post back here that the night went wrong
• Lay off the masturbation until the trip, however many days away it is. You've trained and sensitived yourself a certain way, a break will do you good

Overheal

Just stay focused on her eyes. Let everything else melt away.

Captain McDuck

You're right if you keep making excuses and putting off sex she may get frustrated and give you the boot so I would start planning to close the deal the next time the situation arises.

As far as your concerns about not knowing what to do, you would be surprised how naturally these things come to you.

It is all very well people telling you to relax but if your uptight your uptight.

If you are concerned about finishing too early there are a few easy steps you can take to mitigate this problem.

Firstly: Beat one out in the late afternoon before you think you might be having sex. This clears the pipes and ensures that you don't go into the situation with an overly loaded gun.

Secondly: Have a drink, not too much but a little does a good job of numbing you and making certain feelings less sensitive.

Thirdly: Use those extra safe thick condoms. they will also de-sensitise you.

Good luck and if you make a mess of it and she dumps you you are probably better off without a girl like that.

LegacyUser

Hey op here, just to give you an update, i gave her a text yesterday and we agreed to meet up last night..We had mutual friends going to the same party so we met up beforehand and talked.

I told her how i feel about her. She did the same and she reassured me it is ok if you are having problems down there . She appologized as well for trying to run away and felt it was the wrong thing to do . Today im feeling mych better

We went out to the party and had fun..I wasnt around her the entire night(which was good) as she had her circle of friends and i had mine. I didnt drink and have made it a goal not to drink until the problem has been sorted.

She stayed in mine, we didnt do anything but, it was nice to talk and cuddle.(woops may not be manly enough:) )

On a masturbation thing, i think this could be something that is holding me back..As i said, up until recently i was quiet and i used this as a stress reliever. I think i have come too accustomed to this and it is not helping me down there at all. Like drink,i wont do it, until it has been fixed.

We will be going abroad next week, and ill keep you posted how it goes.

LegacyUser

Hey op here - ok so im back from our holidays. We had a great time however i had the same problem. She bought special lingerie as well for the night over there and i still couldnt get it up. I really dont understand what the issue is as she looked so nice and was so sweet to me.:(

She keeps saying im not ready for it, but i know i am, not to sound vulgar but at times i could come a good few times a day when i masturbated. I know i masturbate more when im stressed and i definitely am stressed at the moment with college and other things in my life, but have not found the need to masturbate much if not at all.

During our attempt, she kept saying am i sure im ready, and she laid there waiting for me to make the move. It may sound like im making excuses but i dont think this helped. The first time she wanted to have sex with me, she jumped on top of me and was literally all over me.

Finally my lack of performance, is making me question my sexuality. I dont feel like a man when i cant perform. Since i have never had sex, and cant get it up, its making me feel like i might be interested in the same sex. I dont think i am as same sex puts me off but its making me feel this way.

Every day im thinking about it and its still getting me down. She keeps telling me its ok and that she was surprised when i told her i was a virgin but it will eventually turn her off me. Im hoping once the summer comes around my stress levels will go down, however at that stage it maybe too late..The more and more we try and fail, my anxiety will continue to grow

Ickle Magoo

Okay, well firstly sexuality is based on who you fancy, it has nothing to do with an ability or lack of ability to maintain an erection...

Secondly (and I know it's easy for me to say) the bigger you build this up in your head, the bigger the hurdle it's going to be. Try looking at sex as a continuation of everything else you enjoy doing between the sheets with yourself or with your girlfriend and stop building it up as this massive ultimate goal that you must reach at all costs - the pressure you are putting on yourself is likely to be what is causing most of the issue here.

If you found her lying there off-puting - why don't you arrange a night together where sex is not the ultimate aim and ask her to take the lead? Take it slow and fool around a bit - play a game, take it in turns and the aim is just to make the other person orgasm - take the pressure off and away from YOUR performance and bring the fun back to a shared activity and when you feel ready, then you can try again.

All the very best.

Dwn Wth Vwls

She's really not making it any easier on you, she's just adding to the pressure and expectations by lying there waiting for it. What you need to do is agree that you won't have any penetration for a while. You'll just get her off in other ways, and generally have a good time without any expectations. Stop seeing sex without penetration as a failure.

Even if you do get hard, you're not allowed to do anything. Eventually you'll relax and stop being stressed about it, and after a few times of being hard and not being able to do anything about it, you'll be ready to go ahead.