put up and shut up

LegacyUser

hi there

husband not a bad person, very reliable, always does what he says, kind in his way, stable, even tempered, good at advice, works hard, provides well. we get on, he is an interesting person, intelligent, always something interesting to talk about. very good at what he does for job with little effort.

has never been romantic or thoughtful in the traditional sense, didnt propose, we just decided together to get married, doesnt bring flowers or arrange dates, does do housework when prompted, and garden work when prompted, but just doesnt seem to see it otherwise, its not a priority for him i suppose. does buy gifts but only what i ask for. would be a very logical person in general.

doesnt arrange anything to do with house, like tradesmen, improvements, i co-ordinate all that, as i suppose im better at it. he wouldnt know about it. although has an amazing facility to know about things he wants to know about in a short period of time.

for wedding i did it all. i wrote the speeches, decided on everything. again just these things werent important to him, as in he wouldnt have thought of them. anything like speeches was not done at week before, so thats why i did them.

any changes or new things i introduce and force through to some extent, like gym membership, getting engaged, moving in, holidays, etc have been my ideas and although help is given in arranging, i am the main source of any of these things.

i have struggled to accept this, i dont believe in a lot of the romantic stuff such as valentines day. and the accepted practices of what people deem as courtship. and i believe in accepting people are they are, although i am more and more becoming a nag.

i know nagging and moaning does not work. that it will ruin our relationship and is not attractive. it gets me down. and if someone does something at the instigation of nagging it ruins the effect of doing it, as you know they didnt really think of it.

what do people think? i would love someone to cook for me, or take me away on a surprise weekend. but even if i ask for these things they do not happen. and ive had discussions on this, and communicated my feelings a lot. he listens, but seems to forget.

if i plan them, they happen.

is my husband lazy, or taking me for granted, or is that just the way he is and should i just stop expecting these things and comparing him to other husband stories i hear (some of which i am sure are exaggerated) and be grateful that he is a source of stability in my life, is fundamentally a good person, and means well. he just seems to be in his own world a lot.

i feel though it could ruin the physical side. resentment is not a good bed fellow.

Miss Fluff

moaningmary wrote: »

or is that just the way he is and should i just stop expecting these things and comparing him to other husband stories i hear

Surely you knew he was like this before you married him? Wasn't it obvious that he wasn't spontaneous when you met him? Had you hoped to change his ways? Because if you had then that's totally unrealistic. You should never ever get into a relationship hoping to change the other person, it doesn't happen.

You also sound like you organise things with military precision so why wouldn't he let you organise things when you seem to enjoy doing them?

Sounds to me like you're picking holes (and you sound very cold if you don't mind me saying so, your PI was more like a psychological assessment of an in-patient rather than your own husband, there's no mention of love) so maybe you should concentrate on what's good about the relationship. By all means tell him you'd like to be surprised more often etc but you can't expect it, it's not something he's ever done so why start now? Talking about witholding sex because you feel resentment? For what? Because he's never bought you flowers?

Sardonicat

Do you love him? I ask, because you never said so in your post.

You seem to have set expectations as to how a partner should treat you, yet you married this guy knowing those expectations wouldn't be met. I could suggest stop arranging everything, not in a childish stubborn way. Just calmly state that there are certain things you expect and if they aren't done unpromted then they won't get sone by you.

None of this suggests that he doesn't love you. He may be taking you for granted. OR, He may have difficulty comprhending the social and emotional significance of these things (like Aspergers/Dyspraxia) and just not understand why they would be important. I have the latter and find planning and arranging impossible and am crap at keeping up with friends and stuff like that. It doesn't mean I don't love/appreciate them, I just show it in different ways. I know, now, though, that I have to put in a bit of effort, even if, to me, it seems a bit forced and pointless. I'm not saying your husband has anything like this, of course, just saying that folks are different and for various reasons that you may never have considered.

What it comes down to, though, is how important it is that he shows his affection and appreciation for you in the ways that you crave. If it's a deal braker and he can't or won't meet you half-way then maybe it's not worth carrying on. I don't really think the reason he is the way he is is the issue here. Its whether or not you can live with it and whether or not he is willing to make some effort.

LegacyUser

your husband sounds like my boyfriends. we've been together 9 years. he is very logical, level headed, quiet, , rational. I, on the other hand, tend toward a more passionate, moody, ill-logical disposition. he isn't romantic like romance is displayed in movies or on tv. he looks after me, respects me, would never cheat on me and provides stability. i value this over any other kind of romance. my sister reminds me of you, she wants to be swept off her feet by romance. she found this, but with a boyfriend who flips between moodiness and romance. i guess it depends on what kind of relationship you want and if you suit each other. your husband isn't going to change, because the way he behaves is biologically based. either cut him loose and start again, or focus on the positives of the relationships and stick with it.

nowyouresix

Step back.
Seems to me you aren't actually letting him do a lot of things, which maybe he would if you hadn't everything organised for him.
He's your husband, but you speak of him as if he's your son.
Read this book The Woman Men Adore and Never Want to Leave - by Bob Grant LPC.

good luck.

LegacyUser

he just helped me do something, ie we did a household task together, he just came along and started helping. i am delighted now.

i would have thought that the fact i married him implied i loved him, and also that i cook, clean , share everything with him, and have committed to him forever, but obviously i love him. i wouldnt be bothered doing all that stuff for or with someone i didnt love. i like making him happy. he is a lovely person.

anyway im very happy now. it means so much that he noticed and helped, and i didnt ask.

thanks for the feedback even though some was negative about me. i understand that you dont know me. maybe i have a formal style of writing that comes across as cold. i am not used to posting my personal stuff on the internet. i think i am a nice person although probably a little analytical and yes, organised.

Ickle Magoo

Glad to hear things are looking up.

Talk, talk, talk, talk...that's the only way to do it OP - it may seem all nice and romantic that he read your mind but in reality that's just a fast-train to disappointment the majority of the time.

I've found getting married or moving in with someone, even if you've been dating for a while is still a completely different experience and those two independent worlds being shoved together and still trying to ensure you both get the most of what you need and hopefully most of what you want is hard work...and keeping the lines of communication open is absolutely vital.

Couple love is conditional, he can be as functional and you can be as organised as you like but if resentment, anger or frustration starts building on either side then you are on the slippery slope. Keep talking and make sure you meet him half-way on what his wishes and aspirations are too - and also accept that you will naturally gravitate towards the household "jobs" or "chores" you are each best at/regularly take on - so sometimes stepping back is the best way to get him to step up.

All the best. :cool: