What to do?

LegacyUser

Hi all, I need some advice please. Just my mam and me live at home at the mo. I am 24, working and have the means to move out, but the guilt I feel of the thoughts of her living on her own is forcing me to stay with her. I am unhappy at home, but i seriously do not know what to do. Has anyone been in this situation before? Thanks.

Lola92

I can understand that this is difficult for you but you are going to have to make that move to independence sooner or later. The longer you leave it the harder it will probably get. I'm sure your mother realises that you are an adult and need to have your own space, your own place to live. You can still talk and visit regularly, you won't be leaving her completely!

rhapsody

I have been in that exact situation. I moved out finally and things have been better (both for me, and between us) since. As lola92 said, you will still visit & talk. I'm home again at the moment- looking for a new place- and it is getting difficult again; knowing its short term is a help! It was hard at the time, but after I'd moved my mother said that it was great I was being independent etc. I'm sure your Mam wouldn't like to think you're holding yourself back because of her, and she wouldn't want you to be so unhappy.
Have a look at some places, talk to your Mam about moving; she mightn't be mad on the idea straight away but she'll realise its necessary. If commuting is an issue at the moment, the move might help that; part of my problem was being constantly wrecked because of the long commute each day.

Wishing you well

herisson

i was in the exact same situation! i lived away form home in first and second year of college and at the time it was me my mam my sister her boyfriend and my dad and the puppy living at home. She was always busy taking care of my Gran so she was busy certain days a week and then busy in the evenings trying to take care of my sister and my dad and the boyfriend.

then in september my sister and the boyfriend and the puppy moved away to the north and i was commuting so she had and her mother and dad! In november my gran died so now she is lost doesnt know what to do with herself. She threw herself into taking care of me!

i really wanted to move to Dublin but i felt so guilty moving up and leaving my mam here but i realised i had to do it! For your own good just move out!

in fairness its not like you will never see her again! If you are unhappy just move out and besides it will be an experience!

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for your replies. I feel so selfish that after all these years I have to move on with my life, while she is at home, and she has devoted her entire life looking after me. She does not advocate me moving out or moving on with my life, and I really wish she would which would make it easier for me to move on. I know I am unhappy n this situation, but if it makes her happier I suppose that is what i will have to do. Life is all about compromising it seems..

Thanks again.

rebelwoman

If you are not happy at home then I really do think that you should make the move. She may not be too happy initially but I think that when she would see the difference in you after moving out that she will realize that it was for the best. Is she of an age that she can go out and socialise more maybe she just needs a little encouragement in that direction so that she is not so dependant on you. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

woodchuck

stuck.. wrote: »

Hi, thanks for your replies. I feel so selfish that after all these years I have to move on with my life, while she is at home, and she has devoted her entire life looking after me. She does not advocate me moving out or moving on with my life, and I really wish she would which would make it easier for me to move on. I know I am unhappy n this situation, but if it makes her happier I suppose that is what i will have to do. Life is all about compromising it seems..

Thanks again.

You are not being selfish. If anything she’s being the selfish one by not supporting a decision of yours that is inevitable anyway. You shouldn't have to put your life on hold for her. If she was sick etc I could understand, but assuming she's able to take care of herself then there's no reason you can't move out.

She might be mad or upset at first, but this is something that is going to happen sooner or later and it’s something that she’s just going to have to deal with. Maybe it would help to talk it out with her properly. Find out why she’s so reluctant for you to move out and help her address these issues.

IrishEyes19

stuck.. wrote: »

Hi, thanks for your replies. I feel so selfish that after all these years I have to move on with my life, while she is at home, and she has devoted her entire life looking after me. She does not advocate me moving out or moving on with my life, and I really wish she would which would make it easier for me to move on. I know I am unhappy n this situation, but if it makes her happier I suppose that is what i will have to do. Life is all about compromising it seems..

Thanks again.

Hi OP, have you always lived at home or been to college ect and lived away before. most likely its you who feels guilty and not her whose worried about this. Im sure she wants you to have the same oppertunities she had too.

fluffybiscuits

Fair play on taking the steps in wanting to move out. People crave freedom and at 24 perhaps you need your own space to spread your wings. I moved out when I was 21 (in with an aunt for college) and then moved back home at 24 and then moved back out again at 27 (nearly three years ago) and I have a fantastic relationship with my mother. She recognised that I was a growing lad and needed my space. Being gay meant the rural area I lived in was a bit confining plus my job and all my mates and life were in Dublin. There was some initial guilt but that has evaporated and my parents and me get on like a house on fire. Take the first steps, acknowledge there will be some guilt first off (well they do carry us in their womb for 9 months so naturally there is a bond) and then take the tenative steps to perhaps getting yourself a room in a shared house off daft or perhaps move in with friends. A stranger is a friend you have not met yet. Best of luck and let us know how you get on!

PS My mother reads the boards.ie personal section, howya ma, love ya!xx

herisson

stuck.. wrote: »

Hi, thanks for your replies. I feel so selfish that after all these years I have to move on with my life, while she is at home, and she has devoted her entire life looking after me. She does not advocate me moving out or moving on with my life, and I really wish she would which would make it easier for me to move on. I know I am unhappy n this situation, but if it makes her happier I suppose that is what i will have to do. Life is all about compromising it seems..

Thanks again.

dont feel selfish at all! you need to spread your wings and move out...everyone needs their space! Like you said Life is all about compromising.....she may not like the fact you want to move away but she will have to get over it you need to live your life too.

Your mam does seem selfish in this case you cant put your life on hold just because she wants you at home!

i was in this situation and im telling you move out!

Good Luck OP

Beruthiel

stuck.. wrote: »

Hi all, I need some advice please. Just my mam and me live at home at the mo. I am 24, working and have the means to move out, but the guilt I feel of the thoughts of her living on her own is forcing me to stay with her.

My daughter is 24, last year I asked her if she saw herself still living with me when she was 30.
She moved out a few months later.

Your Ma is probably round my age. She does not expect you to live with her for the rest of your life.
You need to make your own way and come and go as you please. You can't do that while still living under the roof of your parent.
Also, she needs to make her own life.

Move out, it will be good for both of ye.
Yes, she might initially be a little lonely, but she'll get over that.

saa

I think your mother has to learn to live on her own for the sake of your happiness.
In the long term she cannot be happy living with someone who isn't
she gave those years of her life to look after you so you could one day look after yourself regardless of what she may say.

You do not belong to her she does not have permission over what you do, you know this you're just worried about how she will cope, she will be fine and if she is struggling then you find healthy ways of coping, joining a club, taking a hobby making friends,
if a support network is only built up of one person it breaks

the compromise is not you staying for "just a little bit longer" or moving down the road, or staying over every weekend you have to make your boundaries clear.
Gosh your head must be in a loop with guilt, abandonment, worry etc. but you shouldnt!

I wouldnt be saying should this should that excpt you've made up your mind its just a matter of how to do this so both of you can be happy.