Complicated Girlfriend question..unbiased opinion required

Questions1234

Hey Folks,

I have a question and id really appreciate some advice from someone unbiased.
I'm 28 and was going out with a girl for about 3 years. Back when I started dating her first, she was kinda seeing someone else. We had been dating a while but not going out technically and she rang me to tell me she had drunkenly scored with him one night when I was away. I was pissed off and she said if I gave her some commitment and start going out with her she wouldnt go near anyone else so I did and we were going out for quite a while.

One night she was drunk months later I saw her ringing the same lad chatting to him on the phone. I freaked out and we broke up for a few days. She apologised and swore it would never happen again. I got over it and we got back together although I wasn't quite sure if I trusted her or not.

That was about 2 years ago and everything was going well since. Last january we took off travelling together and were supposed to come back to dublin in November. I got a job offer I could not refuse here in Oz so I stayed and she reluctantly went home back to her old job in November. We then broke up.

We probably both needed a break from each other as we were together every day for 10 months travelling and it got a bit much, although we were travelling with other people. Anyway I was home for xmas and we met up. She had rang me numerous times crying and really upset while I was in Oz and wanted us to get back together. When I got home at xmas, she told me that after we broke up she had gone out with the same guy on a few dates. It really pissed me off as we had almost finished twice over this guy and now he comes back into the picture a third time. I freaked out and told her I want nothing more to do with her.

She has been ringing me up in bits saying she wants nothing to do with him and she would literally move back to Oz in the morning for me. I know she loves me but hearing his name again just drives me crazy. I know shes been really down since she got home and has had a really hard time of it with this, work, friends etc. I just need an unbiased opinion to hear am I over reacting or should I just walk away from the whole thing. I really dont know what to do but I just know right now I dont think i could get back with her, I'm too annoyed....

Anyway cheers for the help in advance. I know its a bit longwinded!!

LegacyUser

right. i'm a woman. but i think if i was in your situation and my boyfriend had this other girl that he so obviously is drawn to and has such a history with, well i think i would just walk away. she seems to be using you both as 'the back burner' so to speak. as in sher if doesn't work out in oz i can still come home to yer man. sorry to be blunt, i'm just calling it as i see it :-(

she does obviously have feelings for you if she's willing to go back to oz with you BUT and it's a big but, she obviously still harbours some sort of strong feelings for the other guy too, if he's the one she turned to when she was feeling down back here. i know you had broken up, and i suppose really because you WERE broken up it's her business who she sees. but still!! i mean she was using him too if you think about it.

it all comes down to trust. she's broken your trust in the past when it comes to this guy. could you trust her not to go running back to him again at the first sign of trouble between you two in the future? if i had a crystal ball i'd give it to ya :-(

Elmidena

She was single, she could see whoever she liked and she didn't have to tell you. She was honest, she's upset and offered to move back to you in the morning at your whim. She left that guy for you, and when she was single she'd be miserable and he was guaranteed to be interested in her. It might not be comforting to you, but it doesn't mean she's head over heels in love with him either. If this guy's worth losing a very long relationship over, so be it. But she was single and had every right to see whoever she wanted; if you weren't going to be happy with that then you should've stayed together.

Questions1234

Thanks for the reply. Yeah I know she was single. We both thought we were going to get back together at some stage though, it was just going to be a matter of time. She was honest eventually about it. She told me first she just kissed him for a second in a nightclub. Eventually she admitted that they went out a few times.

I just wanted to get some other peoples opinions cos not sure what to do at the moment..

I am a friend

I dont know why she couldnt just be single for a while. It seems to me she cant be on her own and she is bouncing between the two of ye rather than be single for a while... She seems to need constant reassurance.

She seems flighty and seeing as your relationship started due to cheating, it shouldnt be such a surprise that she can do this (I know technically she was single but she went back with the ex)...

I personally would draw a line under this one.. She sounds like a headwreck and if ye cant spend 10 months together, how can you live a life together? Move on.. Good luck

King of Kings

Questions1234 wrote: »

. Yeah I know she was single. We both thought we were going to get back together at some stage though, it was just going to be a matter of time. .

you are either together or not. you can't hold somebody over a barrel like that.
If she is single she can date who she likes.
She had no guarantee you were ever coming back - how long would you expect her to wait?

Questions1234

Yeah these are all the thoughts going on in my head. Its really nice to hear a few different opinions on it. I wouldnt have minded her seeing other people but to see that particular guy was a stupid thing to do if she was ever serious about wanting to get back with me, which she obviously was. I think she was probably a bit pissed off with me at the time too as I stayed in Oz when I was supposed to go home but I would have liked her to hold off on anything drastic until we had a chance to meet up at xmas and talk things through face to face. Confused... As much as the moral side of me is saying walk away (prob more for pride reasons) , the other side of me knows that we did have a great relationship 95 percent of the time and should I throw that away over this.. I'm not so sure.

LegacyUser

OP, I think you are the one who is selfish here. You guys are broken up and she has the right to see whoever she likes. Same as you, you can see any women you want in Oz.

I understand that your point as it's the particular guy that you mind. But after all, she chose you over this guy and you preferred you to this guy. Yes, she might be 'using' the guy, but I am sure the guy doesn't mind and he surely wants her. But you are the one who gave her up (from her point of view).

To be honest, I think this is too messy. I think you guys need a clear cut if you really dont think it works (long distance or all that). Or that you guys give long distance a go.