Previous crush, innocent or not

LegacyUser

A bit confused about this matter and would appreciate some constructive advice. A male friend of mine who I used to work with still calls around to see me at work on a weekly basis. This was fine as I liked him and one of my other colleagues (male) would usually be around as well. So didn't think anything of it, then I started to develop a crush on this man. He's in a relationship. So I rather stupidly emailed him one day & said I had a bit of a crush on him,that it was mortifying, think you should avoid calling down again etc.
He was very polite said he was sorry to hear that & he'd always be a friend.
The problem is he used to flirt & yes I probably flirted back. All harmless until I developed the crush.
To cut a very long story short we are back to him calling down every week & things aren't uncomfortable, they were a little at the start. I'm now falling back into the flirting again. Is there such a think as innocent flirting or because I had a small crush on him once should I be more careful? I only see him as a friend now & think the crush was from seeing him so much.
I don't think he's interested in me.

Big Bag of Chips

Has he reason to call to your work, or is he specifically calling in to see you?

If he is specifically calling to see you, after what you told him, then I would be wary of it.. especially if he is flirting with you (and still in a relationship).

Because 1 of 2 things is happening..

He is either using you to boost his ego, or he is contemplating letting it go further and again using you as a bit on the side.

If he is single, then no harm. If he's not... then he's just using you.

LegacyUser

op here, no he has no reason to come to my workplace. Think it's probably just an ego boost for him. I know I need to stop flirting back but I also don't want to start appearing uptight and not feeling comfortable talking to him. I can't ask him not to call down (again) as he is sort of friends with somebody I work with.
Can a man be friends with a woman while still looking for an ego boost and not be attracted to her?

Big Bag of Chips

You don't have to ask him to stop calling down, but you don't have to engage as much as you do when he does call in. That's the great thing about being in work.. when he calls in you can busy yourself so that you're not giving him your full attention, without having to be rude.

I'm confused by your last line though... do you WANT him to fancy you, or would you prefer for him to back off? There's a chance he doesn't fancy you, but likes that you like him.. that is very possible. But people don't tend to flirt with people they don't fancy.

If you still have feelings for him, then any flirting you do with him cannot be considered "harmless". I'm married, and I cannot think of a friend who I would be happy with my husband continuously "harmlessly" flirting with.

I don't understand how someone in a relationship, continuously flirting with someone else can ever be seen as "harmless". If there was no sexual interest, then there would be no need to flirt?? Or maybe I'm just very old fashioned!

Miss Fluff

You're an ego boost for him. You actually took the time to email him and tell him you're into him (while he's in a relationship - I don't think your intentions were that innocent) so of course he's going to call down for his weekly dose of attention and an ego massage. Stop flirting with him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the feedback, no I don't want him to fancy me I was freaked out when I realised I had a small crush on him that's why I emailed him so he would not call down again, it's usually at lunchtime so hard to avoid him.
It was probably a bit of an ego boost for me when he flirted as well ( I am human!!) but I would never cross that line.
I guess I just find it really confusing that someone who now knows I had a small crush on them, told them I didn't want to feel that way and who told me that he was sorry to hear that & would always be a friend hasn't changed his behaviour around me.
I guess I'm just being very naive and stupid. I only see him as a friend & hope that's the way he sees me.

Big Bag of Chips

At lunch time it shouldn't be hard to avoid him... get up and tell him, and obviously anyone present that you'll see them later, you need to go to the bank/post office/shop/toilet/walk whatever...

If how he acts around you is making you a bit uncomfortable, or unsure, or whatever (which clearly it is, because you've posted!) Then separate yourself from him until that dynamic is no longer in your relationship. Don't react to his flirting. It easy just smile and not say anything back... that way you are not telling him to stop, and maybe making things awkward, but you are just not engaging. If you stop your end of the flirting, he will also have to stop his.

Your friendship is now based on flirting and banter between you, if you no longer want that, find a way stop doing it!

I wonder if the flirting stopped would he still be so keen to have you as a friend!

Katgurl

I don't understand how he's dropping into you at work - do you work in a cafe and he has lunch there?