all options

baddebt

hey all ,

I thought 2012 was going to be a good year .....well to say it has started a bang is an understatement ,

a couple of weeks ago my wife announced to me that she was preg...this is to be baby no.2 ,
we have a little boy at the moment ,
however , a couple of days ago we went for the first scan ......and it have reveals some serious abnormalities (heart defects and chormozonal defects) , that will have detrimental consequences for both mother during birth and child (should the child go full term........that doctor is not holding out any high hopes for us ) , so all options are on the table.

to say both my wife and i are in a dark place right now is a total understatement, and so instead of talking , I thought writing might help get things off my chest , is there anyone on this board that left themselves with little choice but to "take the boat to england for ter...." god I can't even finish the f...........g sentence,

help:'(

milkandsugar

Oh god my heart goes out to you and your wife. It must be such a hard time for you both. I will keep you in my prayers and I Hope that things will work out for you whichever path you choose to take.

LegacyUser

aw op i'm so sorry you've got that news i really am and i was compelled to reply to you. by complete coincidence, over the last few weeks/months i've been thinking about the what-ifs if myself and himself was to start trying for a baby. there are medical issues on both sides of the family and also due to my age risk factors are high. i've driven myself demented worrying about all the possible outcomes if i was to recieve the news you've just recieved.

so today, i sat my husband down and we talked. for nearly 4 hours. i poured it all out to him. personally speaking, it was so hard to admit to my husband that if i was in this situation i would prefer to terminate the pregnancy. it was hard to say it out loud to MYSELF, never mind him but it's been a considered choice, ever since i was a kid. i went through a period of councelling over it too.

so basically, my advice to you is get talking to your wife. support her as you both try and come to terms with the decision you have to make. you'll probably find a sticky either on this forum or the personal issues forum for councelling services that specialise in crisis pregnancy/pregnancy loss or similar. maybe you might find it easier to discuss things with people specially trained? you'll both need time to grieve for the loss, if that's what you decide.

i know this isn't much help really. my thoughts are with the two of ye. x

Morag

I haven't taken the boat for that reason but I know people who have.
I would suggest that you get in touch with http://www.positiveoptions.ie/ and speak to a crises pregnancy counsellor they can talk to you both about your situation and inform you of the different options.

Also which ever maternity hospital you are with should have someone you can both talk to about what is happening and what thier policies and proceedures are and how they refer people who are facing the situation you are in to clinics in the UK if needed.

Sometimes things just don't go right with a pregnancy, it happens, but often it's just never spoken of. Your wife's health is a factor in this and the stress and strain of waiting for the pregnancy to end by it'self and for your wife to miscarry if there are such chormozonal defects.


All of this is made so much harder by the fact that to end the pregnancy you will have to travel, it's one of the hardest things when what you tougth was such a joy turns out to be hard ache and you find yourself doing something you never thought you'd have to.

The hospital will also be able to put you both in touch with support groups to help.

Moonbeam

That is an awful situation to be in.
My heart goes out to you and your wife:(
You need to sit down with her doctor and discuss it, if it is a risk to her health and the baby will not survive there will probably be options available to you in Ireland too.

Morag

Moonbeam wrote: »

That is an awful situation to be in.
My heart goes out to you and your wife:(
You need to sit down with her doctor and discuss it, if it is a risk to her health and the baby will not survive there will probably be options available to you in Ireland too.

Unfortunately there aren't any options to end the pregnancy here in Ireland even in a situation like this. They will have to seek a referal and travel to another country.

highly1111

Just sent a PM to OP

cynder

my heart goes out to you, i know a couple that knew their baby had a very seroius condition before birth they were offered a termination, they never took it, the baby died 17 mins after birth, they were able to give her a proper goodbye, they had another baby 2 years later but they never forgot their little girl who did not make it.

if i was in the same position i would have done the same, i would also have a DNR in place. talk between yourselves and come to a decision, either way its going to be painful.

oh well , okay

First off my sincere sympathies to you and your family .

My wife and I found out last year that she was carrying twins and 2 weeks later discovered one of our twins had a condition incompatible with life , we were absolutely devastated . The boat to England was never an option for us as she was carrying twins and I'm glad that decision was taken out of our hands .

I know your situation is very different as your wifes health may be impacted but we're happy that we met our daughter if only for 98 minutes , her 4 yr old brother got to meet her too which I think has helped him . We got to keep her with us for 5 days and then bury her little body which although heart wrenching to do has also been a great help as we mourn her loss . You're situation is different though and you need to make whatever decision is right for you .

I can't really offer any advice other than to take your time making a decision and I would highly recommend going to the hospitals bereavement counselor . We found counseling fantastic and I can't say enough how much it helped .

A little lifetime foundation (ALLF) is an Irish website for parents who have lost infants and we've found some solace with them as well .

up for anything

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I don't want to raise false hope but sometimes doctors are wrong.

I realise it's a quite a while ago and scans and tests, while excellent for the time, were not what they are today, but 17 years ago while reviewing my friend's 15 week scan medical staff found an abnormality and she was called back in for a more detailed scan. She was told her baby had Trisomy 18. She was told that the baby would either die in the womb, during delivery or very shortly after birth. It was in the UK and she was offered a termination but after some thought she refused for her own reasons.

After a miserable pregnancy waiting for the inevitable axe to fall and a tear filled labour she was delivered full term of a completely healthy baby girl who is now 16. Miracles and mistakes do happen.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I really feel for you in your situation. I'm not sure what abnormalities they found but I thought I would tell you my story.

All my scans were normal, Everything was pointing towards a healthy baby girl. However when she was born, she was anything but healthy and looked very strange for want of a better word.

I was told she would never amount to much, never walk, talk or do the normal things.

Well several years on, she does walk, she runs especially fast when she has stolen property :-) she is even starting to talk and without exception she is a light of my life and she is such a joy to have around. She had a rare chromosome abnormality.

She does not learn as fast as other children her age but by god she would buy and sell you to get what she wants. Everybody loves her and in her short life so far she has taught me so much.

Best of luck with whatever decision you make!