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Unwanted Pregnancy

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  • 04-01-2012 8:28pm
    #1
    cenvuza7fg9kx5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭


    I've just found out yesterday that my girlfriend is pregnant. I'm 26, she's a few years older. It was unplanned and to say unwanted would be an understatement. I've only known her 3 months and I'm not in love with her. She has a child already from a different relationship, with someone she was going out with for about 10 years. She is on OPF as her child is 4 and needs looking after. I really don't want a child. I have a job but it pays pittance and I could lose it at any time because I was only hired as a temp, but I'm still working with them long after I should have finished. I can't afford to look after them with what I earn, I'm not in love with her and so I feel its best we get an abortion. I feel sick and depressed but I think its the right thing to do. Has anyone gone through this or have advice?
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    #2
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,865 ✭✭✭✭January


    The only advice I have is that at the end of the day, she has the final say in whether she wants to keep the baby or not. Whether you are involved emotionally after that is up to you, but you do have a legal right to look after the child financially if she does decide to go ahead with the pregnancy and give birth.

    Speak to your girlfriend, how does she feel?


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    #3
    claire983
    Registered Users Posts: 51 ✭✭claire983


    I have to agree with January, you need to speak with your g/f. Do you know if she has decided to keep the baby or not, shes probably got a million and one questions going around in her head right now.
    Both of you need to sit down and have a conversation about each others plans and fears.


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    #4
    cenvuza7fg9kx5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭cenvuza7fg9kx5


    I had to be honest with her and told her that I didn't love her and that the relationship might not last and she could be left looking after a child. She is as sick and worried as I'am. Its been me that's been pushing for the abortion option if I'm honest. She said she would feel so guilty after it. I've told her at the moment (roughly 3 weeks) that its just a collection of cells now and that I feel it would be ok for an abortion now and not later down the road.


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    #5
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,865 ✭✭✭✭January


    Kylie Nutty Net wrote: »
    I had to be honest with her and told her that I didn't love her and that the relationship might not last and she could be left looking after a child. She is as sick and worried as I'am. Its been me that's been pushing for the abortion option if I'm honest. She said she would feel so guilty after it. I've told her at the moment (roughly 3 weeks) that its just a collection of cells now and that I feel it would be ok for an abortion now and not later down the road.

    Everybody feels different about abortion though, so the one thing you should not do is push her to get an abortion, especially if she is already stating that she would feel too guilty.

    Have you spoken to one of the crisis pregnancy services? They're not just for women who find themselves pregnant unexpectedly, they have counselling services for men also.

    www.positiveoptions.ie


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    #6
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    Kylie Nutty Net wrote: »
    I had to be honest with her and told her that I didn't love her and that the relationship might not last and she could be left looking after a child. She is as sick and worried as I'am. Its been me that's been pushing for the abortion option if I'm honest. She said she would feel so guilty after it. I've told her at the moment (roughly 3 weeks) that its just a collection of cells now and that I feel it would be ok for an abortion now and not later down the road.

    adoption is an option as well im sure
    you should talk to the crisis agency


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    #7
    wmpdd3
    Registered Users Posts: 9,624 ✭✭✭wmpdd3


    I totally agree with talking to the crisis pregnancy service.

    Its not even what you end up doing, its how the experts make sure you arrive at that decision in the right way and a way that means you both feel in control.


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    #8
    cenvuza7fg9kx5
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39 ✭cenvuza7fg9kx5


    We went to a councillor about the pregnancy. I had planned to go anyway before this thread so got her to ring. She was kind of burying her head in the sand and not really, I felt, talking to me fully. The councillor was very good and went away with lots of information.

    I have told the g/f my opinion and thoughts, I felt it was important that she know. I was not trying to and never would try to push her into any decision. I've spent the weekend with her and told her I was going to not see her this week, so she could think, because its her decision about what to do.


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    #9
    bfocusd
    Closed Accounts Posts: 723 ✭✭✭bfocusd


    It's not right to put any pressure on her to have an abortion, it's her body and she will have to live the rest of her life knowing she could have done it different, if she does go through with it. I know you will have the same feeling, but your not having the treatment to take away your child, her body will go through a lot after it too.

    I'm not against abortion, but I know people who have been put under great pressure to go ahead with it and they spend every second they see a pregnant woman or new baby thinking about their decision and they generally wished the hadn't done it, even if the father wasn't going to be there.

    If she does decide to go ahead with it, I hope can man up and face the responsibility, it would be tough with money and fair enough you don't love her, but it doesn't mean you won't love your child unconditionally, it's not the end of the world.


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    #10
    theg81der
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,644 ✭✭✭theg81der


    I`m sorry OP but from your post I feel that your emotionally blackmailing her. Its almost like your saying if you continue the pregnancy I won`t be around. And leaving her alone to "think" so she`s lonely and misses you thats going to have the desired effect too isn`t it?? If you turned around and said you were on board and excited - there would clearly be no decision on her part so she does know what she wants. I think you being extremely selfish and you`ll go along your merry way with your life and leave this girl unable to look at herself in the mirror.

    I`m 10 weeks pregnant so maybe that fueling the anger I feel towards your post but your "just a collection of cells" is my precious baby. By now your babies heart is beating but you don`t care about that I just read over your post and all I see is me me me....


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    #11
    chirogirl
    Registered Users Posts: 227 ✭✭chirogirl


    A year ago I found myself in a similar situation, however I was on the other side of the coin. I became pregnant after a brief relationship, neither of us were in love with eachother.

    The babys father didn't once suggest an abortion to me, however, he made it crystal clear that he wouldn't be there for me. I decided to keep the baby and now have a beautiful 5 mth old daughter. I struggled thru the pregnancy on my own. There were times i needed him for support / to chat to and even to help assemble / move baby furniture but the guy just wasn't willing to help. His family don't even know about the baby.

    We're now meeting in court as i'm pursuing maintenance. My advice is to think carefully about what you want. I know you don't wish to pursue the relationsjip but Would you be willing to co-parent the child? Ideally, this is what i'd have wished for.


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    #12
    bfocusd
    Closed Accounts Posts: 723 ✭✭✭bfocusd


    chirogirl wrote: »
    A year ago I found myself in a similar situation, however I was on the other side of the coin. I became pregnant after a brief relationship, neither of us were in love with eachother.

    The babys father didn't once suggest an abortion to me, however, he made it crystal clear that he wouldn't be there for me. I decided to keep the baby and now have a beautiful 5 mth old daughter. I struggled thru the pregnancy on my own. There were times i needed him for support / to chat to and even to help assemble / move baby furniture but the guy just wasn't willing to help. His family don't even know about the baby.

    We're now meeting in court as i'm pursuing maintenance. My advice is to think carefully about what you want. I know you don't wish to pursue the relationsjip but Would you be willing to co-parent the child? Ideally, this is what i'd have wished for.

    Did his parents know about you at all?
    That seems silly to me that he couldn't be man enough to tell his family he has a child, maybe they would push him into taking responsibility?

    Fair play to you for following your feelings! even though he prob never bothered to help, I'm sure it made you a stronger woman and made the bond with your baby even tighter knowing you did it without him.


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    #13
    chirogirl
    Registered Users Posts: 227 ✭✭chirogirl


    I don't know if they knew of me, i presume not. Yes, its a shame he couldn't man up to telling them. A new life should be celebrated not frowned upon.


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    #14
    bfocusd
    Closed Accounts Posts: 723 ✭✭✭bfocusd


    chirogirl wrote: »
    I don't know if they knew of me, i presume not. Yes, its a shame he couldn't man up to telling them. A new life should be celebrated not frowned upon.

    I'm sure when his family find out eventually they will be disappointed in him for not taking care of his child, but also for keeping it secret from them.

    Op does any of either of your family know about the pregnancy? Maybe there is someone you could confide in that knows the circumstances too?


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    #15
    bobbysands81
    Registered Users Posts: 7,198 ✭✭✭bobbysands81


    theg81der wrote: »
    I`m sorry OP but from your post I feel that your emotionally blackmailing her. Its almost like your saying if you continue the pregnancy I won`t be around. And leaving her alone to "think" so she`s lonely and misses you thats going to have the desired effect too isn`t it?? If you turned around and said you were on board and excited - there would clearly be no decision on her part so she does know what she wants. I think you being extremely selfish and you`ll go along your merry way with your life and leave this girl unable to look at herself in the mirror.

    I`m 10 weeks pregnant so maybe that fueling the anger I feel towards your post but your "just a collection of cells" is my precious baby. By now your babies heart is beating but you don`t care about that I just read over your post and all I see is me me me....

    I think the exact opposite.

    I think the OP is being incredibly decent and not at all pushy.

    He has been open and honest with his feelings and has told the girl that he doesn't love her, he has weighed up all options available to them, he has gone to Counselling with the girl, he has spelt out what he wants to happen, has admitted that she has the final say and then gives her a week where she will have all the time and space she needs to make an informed decision. I'm sure if she rings him and/or wants to see him then the OP would have no problem in doing so.

    I think the OP sounds like such a decent and honest person.


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    #16
    Rose35
    Registered Users Posts: 566 ✭✭✭Rose35


    I am in a similiar situation at the moment, I am currently 9 weeks pregnant, for the past month my ex boyfriend who is the father of my baby is pushing for me to have an abortion, he has used all tactics from being nice to being down right rude to me in a desperate attempt for me to end the pregnancy. I love my unborn baby already and am extremely attached to its evergrowing presence, i just wish he would also allow himself to feel this too.


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    #17
    bfocusd
    Closed Accounts Posts: 723 ✭✭✭bfocusd


    Rose35 wrote: »
    I am in a similiar situation at the moment, I am currently 9 weeks pregnant, for the past month my ex boyfriend who is the father of my baby is pushing for me to have an abortion, he has used all tactics from being nice to being down right rude to me in a desperate attempt for me to end the pregnancy. I love my unborn baby already and am extremely attached to its evergrowing presence, i just wish he would also allow himself to feel this too.

    Fair play to you for standing your ground, why is he certain it's not what he wants though?
    If it's what you truly want and you know from his attitude you may be going it alone, I say go for it.

    It's your body, at the end of the day in years to come, if you were to abort, to him it will be seen as a close call, but to you it would be so much more as it was living inside you, I think that can sometimes be hard for men to comprehend at the early stages of pregnancy, they don't see it as a reality, which is why as you are going for your first scan soon? I would suggest making it a reality to him, show him the scan of your baby, if you think it will benefit obviously, I don't know your full circumstance, but it may be a case of seeing is believing of how real it is for you.


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    #18
    pippington
    Registered Users Posts: 371 ✭✭pippington


    I wouldnt be so sure about the man not regretting it. My partner and his ex girlfriend had an abortion when they were together. She told him she was pregnant and also that she felt there was no way she could have a child. They both agreed that there circumstances at the time would not allow them have a baby. There decision to abort was mutual and he didnt think it would affect him all too much as he had no real feelings for the baby. That was about 5 or 6 years ago and he still thinks about it to this day...he even had to go for a couple counselling sessions. They aborted about 10 weeks into the pregnancy so it was very early on, but he still has guilty feelings that he got rid of his baby. They stayed together for about 3 years after the abortion...i dont think it was what came between them in the end. Now we are having a baby, even though i have known him for years we werent going out that long when i became pregnant. I knew from the start i would be keeping the baby with or without him but from the start he has been super excited. He told me recently that had I chosen to not go through with pregnancy he would not have been able to support my decision and wouldnt have known how to cope.

    I think the point is, is that for anyone, you cant know how your going to feel about it until it actually happens. You move on from the past but really there is nothing can stop your remembering or thinking about it


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    #19
    Rose35
    Registered Users Posts: 566 ✭✭✭Rose35


    Thanks bfocusd, Im not sure why he seems to be so certain that he doesn't want the baby, I think he is scared and he hasn't spoken to anyone about it yet.
    I am still hoping that when the baby is born he will love it to bits, I live in hope but for now I can only concentrate on keeping positive for the babys sake, and yes I have my first scan in 3 weeks so Im hoping he will want to see the scan photos, but right now it seems like he would rather jump off the face of the earth than face the reality.


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