asked if I was cheating

LegacyUser

Hi,

This has been preying on my mind so i thought I'd air it here and get some perspective...

Over Christmas my wife asked me if something was going on between my and our nanny. She had asked me before around the end of Novemeber and I told her no.

And just to be clear, we are together 9 years and I have never cheated, nor intended to and have no interest in our nanny.

So the first time she asked me I told her no, but this time I told her I wasn't answering because I already had and if she still needs an answer she needs to work that out for herself.

I think that if she needs to ask that question, she should be able to ask it, but it really bothers me that she feels the need to ask it at all.

It makes me feel like she doesn't even know me, after all this time, so what's the point?

How would other people feel about being asked this question, again? Am I letting it become something bigger than it is in my own head and should I let it go? Or is it a real problem?

finbarrk

You just need to have a chat with her. Thats your wife I mean.

LegacyUser

marriedman wrote: »

Hi,

How would other people feel about being asked this question, again? Am I letting it become something bigger than it is in my own head and should I let it go? Or is it a real problem?

Its a REAL problem

If it was me firstly I'd like to know why you have been asked again?
Namely why was the answer in November was not hitting home?
I'd also want to know what are the reasons my wife is asking me this?
What are her reasons or fears?

A talk with her to reassure her is definately needed.
Otherwise it will fester and cause more serious issues.

LegacyUser

finbarrk wrote: »

You just need to have a chat with her. Thats your wife I mean.

I did and she said that she should be able to ask these things which I agreed with. But what worries me is this lack of trust, and in all honesty, I don't lie and I have no intention of cheating, even when things are bad.
So it really bothers me that she doesn't trust me. It's not like I was being all secretive and sneaking around or anything that would have pointed to something like that. From my perspective, she seemed to come up with this thing on her own. Oh, also, a couple of people at work had made comments like "oh, are you mad allowing a nanny into the house". That made me cross, because it seems like even though these people don't know me or anything about me, they were able to make my wife paranoid about my intentions who knows me for years!! (it made me cross at her, I mean.)

LittleBook

If you haven't cheated and you're sure you haven't given her any reason to think you have, then this is not even about you, it's about her.

There are a trust and insecurity issues here which have nothing to do with you and probably nothing to do with your relationship so don't go down the "she doesn't even know me so what's the point?" road yet.

You have a nanny, is this for a new baby? Is there any chance of post natal depression? Maybe she's comparing herself to the (younger?) nanny and coming up short in her estimation? Is your nanny "live-in"? It's not easy to share your home and family with someone else, particularly if you're in any way vulnerable or insecure.

I don't think you're letting it be come something bigger in your head, it needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. I just think you need to change tack and deal with why she's asking rather than telling her you won't discuss it.

I understand that this question (quite rightly) hurts and offends you, but think about why she's asking (since she's no apparent reason to ask) and talk to her.

Beruthiel

marriedman wrote: »

From my perspective, she seemed to come up with this thing on her own.

Any reason for that?
IE - is your relationship otherwise good?
Does she think you still find her attractive?
Is she feeling insecure for any other reason?

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your comments and please feel free to ask anything as I won't take offense and it helps me think things through.

I think I will talk to her again but will try and clear my own head first.

The nanny isn't for a new baby but our 6 year old, as it's cheaper than Child care, and she is live-in.
In regard to body shape, she has put on weight in the last few years and is very conscious and unhappy about that although I have said many times that it is not important to me and I do find her attractive. However she is a very self conscious person. The nanny incedently is about 20 years younger than her but probably slightly heavier, so I don't know if the age would be an issue or not but i don't think so. Also, my wife and the nanny actually get on very well and have many similar interests.

I think, as Littlebook said, she does have issues of trust and insecurity... but I don't know how to tackle those.

And she is insecure about herself and has gone through bouts of depression, in my opinion, although she is in denial about these... as she says it is because of money, being away from family, work, stress... different things but there seems to always be something.

As Beruthiel asked; we have been having problems with our relationship for a long time. We are currently seeing a counciller and have seen one twice before too. We go good for a while and then things blow up and then calm down... it seems cyclical.

...I feel like I'm opening a pandora's box here...

I don't know if she feels I still find her attractive. I tell her so and I kiss her, but she is not very responsive, as in, if I do not innitiate a kiss or sex or any intimacy, it pretty much won't happen, especially sex. I think part of this is she sees herself as ugly (she is not, and not by a long shot).

Now I say all this, the "affair" comment seems like a symptom to much deeper issues, but we have to deal with teh small things also...

When I write about this and think back, suddenly I feel exhausted.

I'd have to agree with other posters that this isn't really representative of a trust issue between the two of you, but rather your wife's own personal issues.

Often it can be difficult for a mother to leave her child/children with another woman, watch them become close, and sometimes jealousy really comes into play, especially if the nanny is an attractive younger woman who gets to spend the day playing and forming a fun-based relationship with the child.

If people at work have been making comments to you, surely she must be getting similar comments or jokes from her colleagues/friends.

It's highly likely she's jealous of the nanny in more ways than one and just needs some reassurance. You've done nothing wrong, and I know it's not fair of her to insinuate you're untrustworthy, but it's probably best all round to put aside blame and just have a good long chat where you let her know how much she means to you and that you would never stray.

The Master.

Women are nuts. Does it seem to tie in with her periods? Myself, i have to put up with me and my girlfriend being "ovr" once a month but i just ride the waves. This will go away for now but stay on your toes come the end of the month where this issue will rear its ugly head again and if you genuinely havent done anything then just ignore her or boot her in the chuff.

Beruthiel

The Master. wrote: »

Women are nuts. Does it seem to tie in with her periods? Myself, i have to put up with me and my girlfriend being "ovr" once a month but i just ride the waves. This will go away for now but stay on your toes come the end of the month where this issue will rear its ugly head again and if you genuinely havent done anything then just ignore her or boot her in the chuff.

Banned for a week.

Neyite

Its about her insecurities, not a reflection on you. While you shouldnt pander to it, communication and reassurance to your wife that you love her and feel hurt when she asks you something like that is a nicer way of handling the question than "I answered that already and should not have to answer it again".

She sounds quite unhappy, and while you might feel that your wife is better looking than your nanny and she should have nothing to worry about, she probably magnifies her flaws so much that being heavier but 20 years younger seems more attractive.

LittleBook

marriedman wrote: »

We are currently seeing a counciller and have seen one twice before too. We go good for a while and then things blow up and then calm down... it seems cyclical.

It seems like what you've been trying isn't working. How do things "blow up"? In a similar fashion to what's happening now?

Your wife appears (to me) to be someone who would benefit from some one-to-one counselling so you might try that approach although it will be difficult if she is, as you said, in denial about these bouts of depression.

My friend and her husband were having problems with their marriage and they were going for counselling. One day she realised her own self-esteem was something to be worked on and decided to get her own counsellor (who didn't know them) and approach things from that point of view. It did her the world of good.

Maple

Lumen, your post has been deleted.

Please do not post in this forum again unless you can deliver a concise, constructive response to the OP.

Maple

LegacyUser

LittleBook wrote: »

It seems like what you've been trying isn't working. How do things "blow up"? In a similar fashion to what's happening now?

Your wife appears (to me) to be someone who would benefit from some one-to-one counselling so you might try that approach although it will be difficult if she is, as you said, in denial about these bouts of depression.

My friend and her husband were having problems with their marriage and they were going for counselling. One day she realised her own self-esteem was something to be worked on and decided to get her own counsellor (who didn't know them) and approach things from that point of view. It did her the world of good.

Thanks again all who have responded.

I spoke to her last night, simply told her that I have no intention on cheating on her, nor have I ever. She seemed accept this and it obviously made her feel better. I asked her to think about what made her feel insecure so she said she would but I don't know if she did/will. But I'll bring it up again. My NY resolution is to not let things remain unsaid and fester.

Littlebook, it's kind of hard to explain how things usually blow up. Sometimes when we are talking about something where we disagree, she feels like I am trying to tell her how to think, or am trying to control her, which I am not. But I am not going to say "yes" when I think "no". The conversation degenerates into shouting, or silence or storming off. We both shout, but it would normally be her who would close up or storm off. And then, even calmly, the issue is almost untouchable and there is no more communication. To me, it often feels like she blows things out of proportion and makes things life or death. I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells and having to be careful how I say things in case she interprets them the wrong way.

The counselling is helping us a bit I think. But it is a very slow process. We are limited to 1 hour sessions so it often feels like we are finishing just as we're beginning to get somewhere. A full day or even a weekend, or even a couple of hours would be great but we are limited financially.

I have said about her seeing a counseller and she wanted me to see one too. I don't mind. I'm sure I could improve and know that I am part of the problem too. Again, money is a problem. But if I could, I'd love it if we could both see a cognitive behavioral therapist, but separately.

However, she did see a psycologist a year ago about stress at work. Unfortunately, the psychologist was very (100e) expensive and we couldn't continue, but in the meantime she managed to bring lots of negative feelings to the surface but not give any tools to deal with them. Now she is very reluctant to go that route again.

Emme

OP, your wife is lucky to have such a good husband. Unfortunately older women get bashed a lot in the media and these negative messages can sink in and cause all sorts of insecurities. I don't think your wife has a problem with you, she may be taking on board all the negative messages in the media about older women.

The gutter tabloids are always making a big deal about men cheating on their wives with younger women and the implicit message is often that the wife deserves to be cheated on because she's getting old. Unfortunately bad news sells newspapers and negative messages about women ageing sells cosmetics and clothes.

Are any of the men in your circle of friends or family cheating on their wives? This could be making your wife insecure.

I don't know what else to say. I assume that both of you work full-time and that's why you need a live-in nanny. You probably need all your income and there's no way your wife could do without a few luxuries, give up her job and be a stay-at-home mother. I don't think this would be good for her anyway.

If she's stressed at work this wouldn't help her state of mind and maybe she's blowing off steam at work. This isn't good for you but it could be the root of the problem.

All you can do is reassure her that you love her, have no intention of cheating on her and don't entertain any accusation of cheating on her with the nanny.

LegacyUser

Thanks Emme, that's nice to hear (good husband).
Yeah, being a single income family is not an option for us, same as many others I expect. But while she did have a lot of stress at a previous job, she doesn't at her present one, which is good.
She does have other stresses; worried about the menopause, our relationship instability (in regards to us trying to work things out, but what if we don't); she misses her family terribley(she is from overseas). As well as that, you have the whole raft of other problems that so many families are experiencing here, but they are not unique to us.
So yes, there are certainly external stress factors at play, but there always will be. I feel I am not as sympathetic as I could be but I also feel like it is a bottomless pit in some ways (if it's not one thing it's another) and whatever support I offer never seems like enough (and I have been told as much).
I agree about the media and do think that is an influence. She does seem very prone to influence, especially from the sensationalist type of media, or office gossip/joking around. None of my close friends have cheated on their wives, but I do know she has been cheated on before by a boyfriend who was a complete tosser. But that was years ago... And now I think about it, so was I, but that was years and years ago.
I have spoken to her and reassured her about having no intention of cheating, and she seemed reassured. And like I say it does feel like the counselling is helping albiet very slowly. But then something happens where she acts "bitchy" and I find myself thinking of divorce and wondering if I'm codding myself to keep fighting for us. But then later I might see something which shows me she too is trying.
It's very hard. But I have found a lot of support and encouragement on this thread (never been here before) and am truely thankful for it and to all who have offered their thoughts. I feel fairly settled with the cheating accusation issue now, but I'll see how things go ahead.