8 year friendship is over how do I approach this?

doireann08

Hi Just wanted your thoughts on this

A and I have been known eachother for well over 8 years. A would have been one of my closest friends but we have drifted apart really since she met her new boyfriend a year ago ( they met through me, I introduced them)

I don't consider A a friend anymore as I feel she just used me over the years as someone to go to gigs with etc, now that her bf to go with I never hear from her at all. She has organised several nights out, festivals etc and I have never been included.

I am hurt as before she would have relied on me a lot for her social life - she wouldn't have many of her own friends. When she is in a relationship she immerses herself in it and hangs out with the bf friends

She has had a tough year but I was there for her, sadly I cannot say she was there for me when I was going through a difficult time.

I just feel massively let down by her not making any effort with me. I feel completely used. She invites some of her new friends ( people she used to work with, old housemates) to gigs, concerts and never asks if i would like to go too. I do have a wide circle of friends but I am hurt that A is making no effort at all with me. I feel it is all one-sided.
She did invite me to a dinner she organised for nye, and she would contact me on the 30th with more details - I heard nothing from her at all since. I texted her on the 30th - no reply since

Does this sound weird? I think she is phasing me out, so should I delete her number, delete her off fb and move on?

I think it is a sad way to end a 8 year friendship. If I met her and told her my thoughts she would only end up getting very aggressive, A never feels she does anything wrong and never apologies

I think the friendship has run its course - I have been upset for weeks about this - I don't want her upsetting me any more - How have you handled this

R.D. aka MR.D

How did you know her now boyfriend? Maybe she's insecure?

To be honest I think in a situation like this all you can do is give it one more try. invite her to do something etc. And if that doesn't work then just move on.

jpm4

I've been through similar things....they say "a friend in need is a friend indeed" which is certainly true, and when they are not so much in need anymore you'll often find out their true nature. You sound like you've made an effort that was not reciprocated, I'd advise you to just let it go and move on.

doireann08

A and her boyfriend Tom met at a party that my friends were organising. Tom is friends with another friend of mine

I have spoken with my friends to get their take on the way A is acting. They all find it odd - they think that A doesn't me socialising with Tom - it seems A is going out of her way to ensure that Tom and I are not at the same party, night out, gig.

I don't understand her motivation at all.... I am the one initiating all the contact and I am fed up of it and her behaviour. I am soo hurt that she is treating me like this

R.D. aka MR.D

doireann08 wrote: »

A and her boyfriend Tom met at a party that my friends were organising. Tom is friends with another friend of mine

I have spoken with my friends to get their take on the way A is acting. They all find it odd - they think that A doesn't me socialising with Tom - it seems A is going out of her way to ensure that Tom and I are not at the same party, night out, gig.

I don't understand her motivation at all.... I am the one initiating all the contact and I am fed up of it and her behaviour. I am soo hurt that she is treating me like this

It definitely sounds like she is a bit insecure.

Sometimes people treat other people badly for very little reason. Move on and don't dwell on it. It's her loss and if things don't work out with this guy she'll soon realise her mistake.

girlonfire

This is a horrible situation and I can imagine how hurt you're feeling. It sounds like phasing out to me - very cowardly imo. I also agree that she sounds quite insecure.
Have you asked her what the problem is or do you feel it's time to move on?
If it was me, I'd move on from her.

doireann08

No point in having a conversation with her as she never accepts responsibility for anything.
Before she met Tom she was engaged - she met Tom the day after she broke up with ex. I just can't get my head around her complete lack of contact...#

I knew her ex - he was a horrible person. I think A doesn't want me near Tom - I really don't know why though?? it is so strange

I have deleted her off fb and deleted her number..... It will be interesting to see how long it takes for her to contact me.... or even if she does

Big Bag of Chips

Just move on now. Don't wait for the contact to come... I get the impression from you that your deleting her off Facebook is a sort of "test" of her, to see how long it takes her to notice.

Your only setting yourself up for more disappointment if you are expecting things of her, that you know in your heart she won't deliver.

You've started the steps now to phase her out. Stick to it, and that means training yourself not to care whether or not she notices you've stopped contacting her! You've decided you don't want her part of your life from now on, so what she does or doesn't do should not bother, or affect you now.

I know its not as easy as flicking a switch and just turning it off, but in time you will care less...

Sesudra

I was in a similar position OP and it is horrible but at the end of the day, you mention above that you have a wide circle of other friends - focus on them, the people who do maintain contact and enjoy seeing you. You can worry yourself forever about this woman, trying to figure out why she's doing this but life is too short - chalk it up to experience and let her go,she's not worth the trouble!

curlzy

Well done OP on not being a doormat. It certainly sounds as if the friendship was one-sided with you doing the running. So yeah you did right deleting her, now delete her from your mind. She doesn't deserve your headspace. Just remember if she does break up with Tom and comes running that she treated you this way. You're seen now what a lousey friend she is, you're way better off without her in your life.

doireann08

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Just move on now. Don't wait for the contact to come... I get the impression from you that your deleting her off Facebook is a sort of "test" of her, to see how long it takes her to notice.

Your only setting yourself up for more disappointment if you are expecting things of her, that you know in your heart she won't deliver.

You've started the steps now to phase her out. Stick to it, and that means training yourself not to care whether or not she notices you've stopped contacting her! You've decided you don't want her part of your life from now on, so what she does or doesn't do should not bother, or affect you now.

I know its not as easy as flicking a switch and just turning it off, but in time you will care less...

You are right Big bag of chips. I suppose I was curious to see how long it would take her to realise that I haven't initiated contact - she is so self absorbed - I doubt she will notice or even care!!

What I am a little worried about is that both A and I have a mutual friend C. I hope this doesn't affect my friendship with C ( A introduced me to C)

Big Bag of Chips

Don't let it affect your friendship, but don't bitch about A, to C. Just let it go now.

If you are out in company with A and she mentions anything about Facebook, just say you do a clear out every so often (I do it regularly).

I have deleted people who I don't have much Facebook interaction with... it's only Facebook after all. It's not important.

MsAllybear

I feel for you OP, it hurts when friends especially good ones phase you out like that.
I wouldnt suggest you tell her friendship is over though, I have friends from college like this, we were best of friends during 4 years of college, hung out so much , went out , night in and out. when we they finished i was still in college and we still met up but gradually stopped hearing and it was always , still is me who initiated contact. it stings , i always say No, i'm not contacting anymore but i always do, we have chat, catch up briefly and then thats it.

everyone is different , but i find some friends i wont hear from for ages but when we do met/ phone for chat, nothing has changed, we're still as good. (i'm moved home from big smoke!)

Don't accept your friendship is over, just wait and see when she gets in contact.
if your friendship was important, You won't let it be over like that. and neither will she.
Just stick with your other friends for now.