Was I in the wrong?

fits

This time last year I met a man and we went out for five lovely months. It was quite serious when we were together and we had a great time. However in May he ended it saying his feelings werent strong enough. This came absolutely out of the blue for me and I was very hurt but I moved on with my life. I always had a feeling that he was some sort of 'one who got away' and was sad it hadnt worked out.

In late July we met up once, as I felt I needed to talk to him. It had ended so suddenly. I just had a compulsion to talk to him and get some stuff off my chest. That was fine. Since then we exchanged very nice, fairly impersonal emails about weekly. I knew something was up when he got in touch in the middle of one night to say someone close to him had died... but when I responded the next day, things were back to normal.

I should say at this stage that he is divorced with a child.

Two weeks ago he emailed be saying that he still missed me an awful lot and his feelings had gotten too strong so he'd freaked out and ended it. He asked to meet up. We met the following week (he was late :mad:) and had a chat. I had huge reservations but we agreed to give it another go. However for me, the following week my dominant emotion was of anger. I didnt communicate this to him at all but thats how I felt about everything.

We agreed to meet up and go for a walk last Wednesday and said we'd keep that day free to hang out. However in the morning, I got a message from him saying his ex had asked him to take the child as she'd been up all night and we'd have to rearrange. I replied ok, but that I was surprised that plans were being changed at this early stage. He replied saying that the child was actually sick and it was diffficult to rearrange for that day so I replied and said that was ok and to get in touch when he could. I wish now that I had just phoned him.

I heard nothing from him for the following 36 hours until I messaged him asking to be kept in the loop. No reply for that day til the evening when he said he'd been tired and had to go to a funeral.

I phoned him the following morning. He didnt pick up and didnt phone me back.

At this stage I was getting annoyed and felt I needed to see him in person to figure out what was going on. I texted to say I was on the way to his house. He phoned me back straight away to say he wasnt there, and then went on to say that actually his feelings werent there anymore. I asked him if he could meet me in person just for a quick chat and he said he couldnt until the following day. So I told him there probably wasnt any point and not to ever contact me again.

So there you have it. On the one hand I think he made absolutely no effort at all, and on the other I feel I probably was too anxious about everything and put on too much pressure. It doesnt really matter now anyway. I just think that my trust in him had been so damaged I really needed to see him making an effort for me, and that wasnt forthcoming.

coolcat63

So he goes from no feelings to overwhelming feelings back to no feelings? Hmmm. Sounds very strange to me - that along with the messing you around tells me you'd be better moving on and finding someone less....complicated.

fits

I didnt chase him at all though!

I know most of these things that you are saying are true Sunflower. I was extremely wary about it all when he got back in touch and rightfully so as it turned out. But I did think it was worth giving him one chance.

At least I dont think he was the one who got away anymore.

Katgurl

Ugh OP what a headwreck

it is horrible when you find someone and they don't feel as strongly as you. I think that's what happened here, the man obviously liked you but not enough, then instead of being a man about it and doing the right think and letting you get on with your life he took the selfish cowardly approach and was happy to have the company of your emails etc When he suffered a bereavement he suddenly summoned you with rubbish stories about gettting scared of his feelings - total nonsense IMO.

Always let a persons actions speak for themselves - he dumped you, he wanted you back, was late, cancelled, stopped contact. His behaviour said he wasn't bothered.

I know now because you may be regretting being rash with the severe reaction you are wondering did you push him.

But from what you've told us I honestly don't think you did.

It's a new year now, make it a resolution to wash your hands of him completely.

Good luck.

gmac102

eh have u ever stayed over in his place? or met his child? cos to me it seems hes still married..... could be wrong tho

the way you describe events are very odd

fits

I've done both when we were first going out. He's definitely not still married. Who knows what else may be going on now. Makes no difference to me now anyway.

Abi

fits wrote: »

I've done both when we were first going out. He's definitely not still married. Who knows what else may be going on now. Makes no difference to me now anyway.

Is it possible he is seeing other women? Whenever you texted him, he'd either not reply or reply much later. Yet when you say that you're on the way over, he's straight on the phone. Something is amiss anyway =/

He definitely messed you about though, his behaviour was inexcusable. You're well rid Fits, you deserve so much better.

LovelyLottie

fits - no matter how much you let this whirl round and round your head to find an answer, you won't find one i'm afraid. But i totally understand that this has just happened to you, so it's normal that you're searching for an explanation for this bizarre behaviour.

He's the only one who knows what happened, and a 'definitive answer' as to why this ended won't really help you move on.

It's hard to do, but you need to be brave and accept that this is over, he treated you badly (or at least not how you would like to be treated) and you deserve better.

It is soooo hurtful when someone breaks up with you, then says they want you back, then changes their mind again. Torture, in fact.

You were 100% right to be cautious when he said he wanted to get back together. You did nothing wrong there.

A guy who really wants to get back together will make the effort, will show you through his actions that he wants to make you happy and will make sure you don't slip away again.

Give it a bit of time and you'll get your head sorted - under no circumstances engage in any contact with him, even if he decides again that he wants you back! Good luck.

MissFlitworth

Nope, read it twice, can't see how you'd possibly be in the wrong. Nothing wrong with wishing a relationship had turned out differently & hoping it would start up again/trying to start it up again.

He, on the other hand, is a thick. 'I liked you so much, I'm sorry, can we try again' to 'sorry, my feelings aren't actually that strong' in the space of a few days without ever seeing you again. Thick.

fits

Abi wrote: »

Is it possible he is seeing other women? Whenever you texted him, he'd either not reply or reply much later. Yet when you say that you're on the way over, he's straight on the phone. Something is amiss anyway =/

Its certainly a possibility now and it did enter my head. I will never know though, will I? He lives too far away for me to hear anything, but I'm glad of that.

I did have a moment of doubt last night where I thought it possible that I wasnt being understanding about the child, but I think I deserved at least a phone call and a proper explanation if plans needed to be changed.

Ah well, it was just a two week blip. No major harm done.