Lonely in my 30's

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm in my mid thirties and begining to feel desperate about my life.

Although I have a good job and some savings, there is more to life than this. My friends are all now married and with kids.

I however, have become increasingly isolated and unable to move on. I have struggled to make any friends since they all married and became more family oriented.

I always struggled to make friends. In fact I have none now to socialise with and I now tend to do nothing at the weekends. It is a similar scenario with the opposite sex. I've never had any type of relationship and am still a virgin - which is causing me issues as I am desperate to have sex before I get any older.

It is now to the point where I am considering an escort in order to ease my cravings and also to get some physical contact.

I've tried to make friends and find relationships that way, but I have been unable in years now to break into another social group. It is getting increasingly frustrating.

This might be shallow, but I want to play the field experiment, date different people and find my type. My friends done this in their teens and twenties, whilst I stood back drinking at the bar to hide my fear of approaching. I used being drunk so many times as the reason for not 'scoring'.

I look back over my early years with so many regrets. I'll never get those years back and unfortunately neither will I get the opportunities that arose then too. I've let too many things slip past without rising to the challenge. Instead I meekly stood back and waited for life to reach out to me.

I am so annoyed with myself for how I have turned out. People seem to like me and I think they believe things are good with me. However, I don't want to tell them about my problems. This is something I must deal with myself.

I don't seem to be able to make friends easily. I've no confidence with opposite sex. No social life. Virgin. My personal life is a mess.

I've been to counselling numerous times trying everything from CBT to counselling. Apparently my conservative upbringing has moulded me in a way where conversation is difficult for me - especially small chat. I really struggle with it and panic. I am rarely around the opposite sex, so I don't know how to converse with them.

Not that it matters, as I've no friends to socialise with so I no longer get into the scenario.

Every year now for the past number of years I sit here on NYE trying to figure out why another year has slipped past unchallenged. Instead of looking forward to 2012, I find myself looking backwards at so many lost opportunities and wonder 'what if...'.

The counselling did not help me much. I tried so many times - both through my doctor and also privately at cost to myself. I just don't know what to do now.

I know many would say the visiting an escort is not a good idea, but I'm honestly so alone I'd gladly pay for some affection - even though it is false and empty. I have a need for physical intimacy - before I become impotent in old age!

Not sure what I am looking for on here. I have tried night classes, gym, etc but whilst I do chat to people at these places there is nothing more. I find that people go to these things for many reasons and practically none are looking to build up a new social group!

I was consdering online dating. But I feel that as I want to 'experiement' it may not be the best place and I have a fear of having my photo online on one of these things. So, I'm at a loss again - just like I have been for numerous years now.

Tigger99

How about going to a singles event or joining a website like meetup.com, which isnt a dating website but i know a few people that have met people through it and its supposed to be a lot les cliquey than joining a club etc

By the way, don't know if what women would think of you being a virgin is a concern for you, but trust me on this one, I dont think that they'd mind

Sunflower's suggestions are right on the money too.

LegacyUser

Tigger99 wrote: »

How about going to a singles event or joining a website like meetup.com, which isnt a dating website but i know a few people that have met people through it and its supposed to be a lot les cliquey than joining a club etc

I looked at meetup.com, but for my area there was nothing that took my fancy. I've tried doing things in order just to meet people before and it was not a success. I don't see the point in doing something if you are not interested as it will be very transparent to others.

By the way, don't know if what women would think of you being a virgin is a concern for you, but trust me on this one, I dont think that they'd mind

Well, from listening to friends and others there are constant jokes about the 'odd' person who 'is probably still a virgin', 'who would shag him?' or 'x is odd - I've never seen him/her with anyone - betya there're still a virgin at 40!'.

For all I know people are probably talking like that about me behind my back. I don't know if I can restrain for as long as it takes to sort myself out. It's been 10yrs since I first went to counselling - it could be my mid fourties before I get rid of it.

solerina

Definately join a dating website, you have nothing at all yo lose and you may just meet that someone special, at the very least you can look at 2012 as the year when you gave it a go !!

rbag

Online dating might be the way to go.
Just be yourself and you'll be fine...you come across very honest and genuine in your post.
And defintely do not go the escort route....that is something that may be held against you in the future by a prospective partner whereas the lack of experience won't be!

nowyouresix

OP : I really hope things work out for you. I don't think your lack of experience in the bedroom should have you feeling so bad. You should definitely try online dating. Be confident, you have a lot to offer someone in a relationship, and there are loads of ladies your age on line looking for a partner. Only thing is...you must put yourself out there, make up a confidence oozing profile on line. You absolutely can do it.

Good luck.

LovelyLottie

I think you should try and break into some social groups as well as online dating. Someone already mentioned meetup.ie, try that. This crowd do online dating and singles events, but also adventure breaks / holidays: http://www.getout.ie/ . A lot of people find BootCamp good for meeting people, building up friendships (as you meet 2/3 times a week) and socialising - they do days/weekends away as well.

You should definitely try online dating, but it is not a walk in the park. If you don't have a lot of confidence it will be quite daunting to start with, but it will get you out there meeting some girls, and that may help to build your confidence. In fact i'm sure it will. You will probably realise after a while, that you are just the same as lots of other single guys and girls, you just need to push yourself a little.

Go on a paid site where there will be less messers Online dating will give you the opportunity to meet different types of girls, build your confidence (i hope) and hopefully have a few nice experiences. But don't go in expecting online dating to solve all your problems, be realistic about it.

It's difficult for everyone in their thirties who is single, but i appreciate that for some guys who spent their 20s drunk, it's even harder Nothing will change unless you take some action - good luck!

WhyGoBald

Agree with LovelyLottie, while it's certainly achieveable, it's not easy and there are no quick fixes. Look at it like any other skill; you have to start with the basics and an honest perspective of the difficulty ahead, and it could take a couple of years or so before you really get the hang of it, depending on what you have to work against.

You say there's nothing in your area that you're interested in; surely there's a book club nearby? Why not take the opportunity to develop new interests? You give a lot of reasons why such-and-such a thing would not work, or hasn't in the past, but you have to realise that it's incumbent on you to be creative in finding ways to become socially comforable, especially given the challenges you face.

Why you don't do much at the weekends? That is the time you should be using to pursue interests which would naturally expand your acquaintance. Volunteering is one obvious answer, and there are so many ways to do this that can be tailored to your area(s) of expertise.

As for dating sites, there's no reason to put up your picture if you don't want to, and you can say in your profile you're only interested in casual dating/friendship. After a while, maybe let it be known (casually) among your friends that you might be open to a little matchmaking.

What is most important is that you work on yourself first and foremost, expand your horizons and become comfortable with who you are. If you can make and keep a few close friends, maybe that's all you need. Think about people with disabilities, many of whom have to face the likelihood of having only a few friends and never marrying. Or people who become monks and nuns, who must be celibate and poor and yet have a sense of purpose and belonging. Maybe you'll have a relationship, but it's important that you don't need one to validate who you are or define your place in the world.

CorkonianRebel

As others have said here already, I think its all about breaking out of the rut that you may think you are in. Set yourself a personal goal this year of having more fun, never mind relationships.You said you have tried doing things to meet up with people and it was not a success but you should be going into it to have fun at the start.There HAS to be something that you like! Look at all the Forums on Boards.ie, go into one that interests you and join a club near you.Such as any sports club and get out of the house to have a laugh.Even if its a guys football club they will always be going out sometime and then you will be broadening out your circle of friends.

Join a creative writing group or any kind of group and make an effort to say hello to everyone.Even if you just say "bad/good weather out there isnt it?" every time.This covers the ok-what-will-I-say to-this-person beginning.Then just talk about the activity that you are doing even if its just "Wow, I don't have a clue about Creative Writing, Do you?" Of course some people/women might not be interested in talking at all but the more you chat or even attempt to chat, the more easier you will feel talking to anyone.The more you focus on trying to enjoy yourself at the activity the more relaxed you will feel.Then there will be opportunities such as before or after the activity to have a chat to whomever is there.Its a kind of Domino effect where a friendly chat here or there might lead you to asking do they want to practice it (whatever the activity is) alone sometime or even as simple as you might see them in town or in a pub so you can go over to say hello.

If you are working, then try the same thing. Keep making an effort to chat to everyone there just to get the ball rolling.Its not being superficial as you are just getting started.Then you can talk about your new Skydiving club that you joined! One thing leads to another like a Domino effect as I said!

The reason I am saying all this is that I was kind of like where you are now and decided to make an effort in talking to people like I have said.Just by making myself chat to everyone I broke out of my rut of saying nothing to everyone.The main thing is to get out and have fun.If there is no one to go out with at weekends, then go out yourself! I did this and invariably I would see someone I knew from somewhere out in a pub or club and i would go over to say hello. Everyone is out to have a laugh and enjoy themselves so then you get to know people better and they become better friends not just acquaintances.Anyone asks who are you are with then you can say you are either flying solo,your friends went home early or they noshowed.No one is going to say "Get lost we only want people we are with!" Usually its the more the merrier! Even if they did say that then what does it matter to you?! You can still fly solo because you didnt go out with them! The best thing also about being alone if you are out, is if things dont go well with the opposite sex then no one knows about it! Go out on the dancefloor and dance alone for the hell of it and then you will have done another small step! Then saying hello to a woman doesnt seen so bad! (I presume you are a guy!)

A while back I joined a Kickboxing club to meet new people and when i went in to the class I was the only guy there! Just from having fun in the class and getting to having a laugh with the women there definitely boosted my confidence.So make this year, your year and start doing something new and literally getting out there.And Have fun!

Fentdog84

OP, I think you know you've been digging your head in the sand long enough with regards this issue and the reality is you need to make changes, BIG changes with how you regard the dating game and so on. I think you realise the world dosent wait and the only one who can make things happen is YOU. It may be mean swallowing your pride/putting your balls on the line but so be it, the people who achieve most or go where they want to go are the ones who decide to take rejection in their stride.
But you say you are desperate to be with someone and experience intimacy. There are various outlets for that as outlined already in this thread. There are various skills aswell with regards interacting with the opposite sex and you'll find those with a google search. I dont really recommend the hooker line but if you just want to get the sex thing out of the way asap, well you could do that, with caution.
There are plenty people out there like in your situation. I think really you just got to open your mind and believe in yourself as a person and what you want and people will respond to you. Take care.

LegacyUser

As I've previously said meetup.com had nothing of interest for me - I'm in Belfast. Work used to be sociable but not anymore. Everyone is older and like my friends, in relationships.

I go to gym regularly and enjoy it, but I do not do any classes. I don't like team sports because I hate having other relying on me and also having to rely on others.

At the weekends I work on fmaily farmw hich means I've little opportunity for going out as I am in the sticks.

I was thinking of doing some boxing or similar classes but I am too scared to join as I had a bad experience with a martial art class a few years ago and have not been back.

As I type I know the above is a list of excuses, but that is where I am at. I'd love to do some dating, but I am a boring person and struggle to converse with people .

Finally, thanks to those who take the time out to reply it means something to me that you do so.

gigity gigity

Hi mate- sorry to hear you are stuck in such a rut!

I think you should forget about the whole being single at the minute and first concentrate on making friends with the opposite sex as your confidence will soar! Don't know what shape your in but if your not already doing so get exercising ditch the fegs and it will have a good effect also!

Start some easy classes which won't tax your mind to much! A cookery class or maybe some dance classes will get you talking to people for sure! May not sound exciting to you but a laid back environment where you don't have to worry about appearing stupid for not knowing the answer

Not sure what you work at but if you work in a role where you meet the public just put yourself out there and have the craic!

Definetly dont do the escort thing you will probably look back on it when you have met a great girl and wish you had saved yourself for her!

Good luck man!

LegacyUser

Hey OP. Just read your post which is pretty much word for word the situation im in also. Most friends married, uneasyness around both sexes, missed opportunities when younger etc. I am the same as yourself. I never found councelling any good, any psychiatrists I went to were not the best either, in it for the money & provided no real help aside from writing out prescriptions.

Id love to be able to offer you some great piece of advice that could magically turn things around for you, but alas, I cant. The only piece of advice I could give is to ask you not to go down the prostitution route.....ive been there. Thankfully at the last minute I backed out of doing it. But its a bad road to go down, there really is'nt anything good that can come of it & it will always loom over you.

If you have no mortgage or debts, could you take some time off work and do some travelling?

Best of luck to you.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just came across your post - is an eerie mirror of my situation a year ago - from a female perspective.

The other posters have a wealth of suggestions which have some great pointers for you.

I just want to show you a glimpse of my story, especially re the dating.

Although, the other posters are correct: you need to get used to socializing without any particular agenda about relationships -in particular build up the things you think interest you [or did before you got stuck in this rut].

I too realized that I was letting life drift away from me.

I too had the difficult background; struggled to make (or maintain) friendships from early secondary school and had come out of successive (expensive) counselling sessions that had me going round and round in circles.

Worst of all, I had almost always spurned socializing opportunities - not helped by my disliking the pub scene.

For a variety of mixed-up reasons, I deemed myself undeserving of leading a happy existence, having a social life, obtaining a fulfilling career or sharing life with a partner.

By mid 2010 I found myself in a terrible job [still there - thanks, Great Depression 2008-----].

I had no interests outside work and my few friends (from primary school) were all ensconced in relationships.

I led a solitary existence reading/studying/walking etc.

Like you, each New Year was a ritual of self-flagellation.

Like you, I regretted especially having shunned dating opportunities.

I had to take action -which I did.

My 2011 News Years Resolutions were:

° (safely) go on dates like you describe in your post

° join a hiking/walking club [a solitary activity but in a group].

° do a course in something that had always interested me but which I had not the confidence to pursue in college [I did a diploma in journalism].

° do a practical course [car maintenance]. Lack of confidence meant that I had long-fingered driving into my mid 30s as well!


Re the DATING, I signed up to a dating site with offices in Dublin and also paid a few months subscription onto a few other online sites just widen the potential dating pool.

My first ever date with a member of the opposite sex was in Jan 2011!!!

As a female, this was scary - going on what were essentially blind dates!

I survived!

Most were ordinary decent people in the same boat.

The Dublin agency sent me on a series of dates with a wide variety of men from all backgrounds: cocky businessmen more concerned with checking their blueberries under the table to foreign guys working with the multinationals to guys working in banks, IT companies, the airport, a farmer, a chip-shop owner etc.


Of all the dates I went on; only 2 stand out as so-called disasters.

One date turned up and moaned about his job and asking for a shag by the end of the evening; the other was a bit sleazy and inclined to encroach on my personal space.

I went on (mostly) tea/coffee dates of 60 to 90 minutes duration i.e. long enough to hover over a cuppa and short enough to call it a night if there was no spark whatsoever/run to catch a bus etc - or in your case, tend to the farming!

After the first few meetings with people, my nerves were gone; I came home from work and quickly changed (nothing OTT) and told myself: this is Your Year of meeting different people; no expectations of anything beyond socializing in a safe setting with people who just happen to be the opposite sex.

Sure enough, I went on a few dates where feelings seemed to be developing and got duly dumped (by one person in particular who disappeared into the ether).

This was my valuable lesson to me in being 'dumped /rejected'. I had to dust myself down; figure out what I had done to 'frighten him off' - and get back out there!

Long story short, from never having kissed a man in January 2011, I had one particular date in April.

This began like many others: Friday night 8 pm and a nice quiet drink in a pub with someone entirely new off a dating site [not the office-based agency].

By 1.30 am we had to be kicked out of the pub as the last customers:).

It is still going wonderfully and I have been kissed many times by now etc etc

My advice re the whole virgin issue would be: You've waited all this time; no harm to wait a little more.

Clearly from a quick perusal of this site there are quite a few of us 'latecomers' out there- as well as countless people who regret the circumstances of their first time.

You just might meet the person who will make it special - or at least dignified and respectful from the very first time!


Apart from this wonderful event, this socialization business for me is an ongoing work in progress!!!!!!

I continue to feel very awkward in anything other than a one-to-one situation.

I go on my Sunday hikes and find it excruciating at times as people converge in groups while I hover on the sidelines – but gradually, you become known to people and make connections just from the most banal of starts, e.g. commenting on the weather conditions is the typical icebreaker!.

I think that the key is to keep trying new things - keep an open mind.

I regret profoundly the waste of my potential (personally and career-wise) while the Celtic Tiger was roaring- but like the other posters say of your case, I need to move forward.

For example, despite being ‘socially’ tongue-tied, I have knowledge of 6 languages, Irish, English [from childhood], the Romance languages [university degree] and have just embarked on learning number 7 - German!).

With the economic situation as it is, teaching any or some of these as a full-time isn’t on the cards for me.

I have had to stop wallowing in my self-sabotage and try and cultivate these gifts as best I can – by joining language conversation exchange groups at my local library – and hopefully tutoring others as my confidence grows - not paid but still fulfilling and another way of forging connections either social or professional in the future.

Apologies in advance, for my overily stuffy and lengthy writing style!

If this reads like someone who is too smug by half - I truly don't mean to give that impression!

I have spent a long time trying to get the words right, so I hope you can get some inspiration from my situation this time last year!

Chin up

Ickle Magoo

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Many thanks.

LovelyLottie

New Year New Start - what you've written is just lovely. If this can't inspire us all to keep the faith, nothing will x

Birdsong

I_am_alone wrote: »

As I've previously said meetup.com had nothing of interest for me - I'm in Belfast. Work used to be sociable but not anymore. Everyone is older and like my friends, in relationships.

I go to gym regularly and enjoy it, but I do not do any classes. I don't like team sports because I hate having other relying on me and also having to rely on others.

At the weekends I work on fmaily farmw hich means I've little opportunity for going out as I am in the sticks.

I was thinking of doing some boxing or similar classes but I am too scared to join as I had a bad experience with a martial art class a few years ago and have not been back.

As I type I know the above is a list of excuses, but that is where I am at. I'd love to do some dating, but I am a boring person and struggle to converse with people .

Finally, thanks to those who take the time out to reply it means something to me that you do so.

You will have to put yourself out there, and it mightn't be easy to start with but it will get easier. I was there, and I remeber a friend said to me "no one is going to coming knocking at your door" and she was right. I had to make the move. I tried every hobbie & nightclass until I found 2 I enjoyed.

What I have highlighted stood out for me, if you don't like team sports, why not try an individual sport in a club setting, I started running a few years ago, and joined my local club. It was the best thing I ever did. You only run for yourself, but with the encouragement of fellow members, it doesn't matter how quick or slow you are. While running you get talking to fellow runners, first about maybe the weather, then runners & before you know it your going away for weekends for a race. A friend of mine joined a cycling club, same idea & all clubs have people at different levels.

You say your boring & struggle to converse - listen to the news, read the paper, the entertainement news, know what celebrity has ditched who - you have to make an effort. Remember the only boring people are those who talk about themselves.

LegacyUser

Hi - apologies for the delay in replying to everyone.


New Year New Start - thanks for that reply - it is very inspirational to me. Getting myself sorted is something I've been promising myself to do for many years now and so far all my plans and endeavours have proved fruitless. I'm just going to have to think about this again and see what I could do to help myself.


Noone is going to help me so the burden is on me. Unfortunately I procrastinate quite a bit and am easily demoralised so it is a constant challenge.


I've an idea of things to try - some sports things, but with work being busy and the farm I just hope I get around to doing them.


In regards to internet dating, it scares me and I don't know what sites to join. I've noone to help me so that is on the back burner now for a while.


I just hope I can stay focused and not spiral into depression like I have done every year for the previous ~10 years. I was even on anti depressants for a while.


I sometimes think that moving away from Belfast to a new city is what I need. However, this would mean leaving a job I like and work colleagues I like too. Also, the farm is a ball and chain around my leg - I can't rent it out as I only help my father on it. So I guess it's a non starter for me.


Felling a bit sad as I write this, as deep down in my heart I know I will fail like every other time.


Sunflower - yes you are right in everything you say. I'm looking into a different type of class in the same vein. I'll see what happens with it.


I've done cookery classes, language classes, and some gym classes but apart from getting me out of the ouse there has been nothing come out of it on a social level.


unsername... - yes - I think I'll avoid the prossie for now, but the temptation will always be there for me.


birdsong -thanks, I do weight training at the gym and I love it. It might be a solitary pursuit, but I know quite a few at the gym now beacuse of it. However, it is gym chat - there is no social to it. These people are all older than me and married with kids so not of the same social mindset as me.


At what point do you just accept that this is you and that you are billy no mates - the virgin and always will be so? Is year 11 near the limit? I'm feeling sad at the minute - I know life is not great for everyone and I have been brainwashed by TV into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, but surely there must be a point where I just have to be honest with myself and accept that this is who I am and who I am always destined to be...

LegacyUser

Hi again,

Me again

Noone is going to help me so the burden is on me.

This was the case with me, too.

Did I not have sisters to whom I could turn? No, they are both deceased. Totally alone. I had to get over it!

BTW, do you have any siblings to confide in? Or one (it just needs one) of the amenable work colleagues?

I had one friend who agreed to help me out (texting her when I would go on a date from a safety point of view for me).

When push came to shove, she was taken up with other things (fact of life), so I had to be (essentially) reckless and arrange the below dates without the knowledge of anyone.

But I couldn’t let that stop me - just had to be ultra-careful e.g. dates in busy city centre places etc
This is something as a man that need not concern you - unless you meet Sinead O Connor - now she would be daunting! [not dissing her issues, btw]

In regards to internet dating, it scares me and I don't know what sites to join. I've noone to help me so that is on the back burner now for a while.

Online dating is totally mainstream now - the cringe factor well and truly gone, with both the Facebook/social media phenomena and the crashed economy.

Lots on the internet for your part of the country - and lots of feedback on boards as well.

This is where I dipped my feet for the first time. [if moderator allows it through!].

Give it a read [btw these are countrywide – including Belfast!] http://www.itsjustlunchdublin.com/our-process/

Their policy is to guarantee you either 12 or 14 persons to meet in one year - by April, I had seen more than 7. I was starting to fear I'd use up my 'quota' before June!

Yes, it is pricey, but I treated it as a necessary investment for my almost 17-odd years of non-dating!

You just book a discreet, confidential interview at their local office ... where they go over your life, interests to date and dating history or lack thereof.

This was the most awkward part for me, but I am a crap liar so mumbled something about some short-lived relationships - total bs - which they saw through.

But, I have to say that they were totally professional and non-judgmental when it quickly transpired that I was to all intents and purposes a total newbie in this area - I think that they are used to it, somehow.

The person doing the face-to-face chat just said: ' I see that you don’t have much tangible experience... just stating it as a fact'. Any embarrassment, I felt I swallowed. I experience worse situations in my horrible job from time to time. Just have to suck it up to use that awful American phrase!

Also, the farm is a ball and chain around my leg - I can't rent it out as I only help my father on it. So I guess it's a non starter for me.

Oh, you are making me shudder here ... my brother [eldest male] left home half a lifetime ago a year shy of his Leaving Cert. Why? Because he did not want to assume the farm and didn’t have the means/skills to convey this to my parents!

To this day my brother remains out there ‘technically dead’ in the succinct phrase of the youngest sibling who was a toddler when he left. (typical Irish family, mine:))

The next brother had to be very strong-willed indeed to evade my father pressuring him to do likewise [the Celtic Tiger had by then intervened, which rendered the farming lifestyle slightly less appealing].

My point is times are different. I don’t know what your relationship is like with the parents, other family members, but if is a question of your feeling obliged to assume the family farm, don’t get imprisoned in this thinking.

This isn’t the 1950s or even the 1980s.

Parents cannot command their adult kids on what to do anymore [if this is the case here]. There are lots of options for your father if he needs assistance while still working the farm himself. My uber-conservative father had to agree to 'set' lease ours in recent years.

If you want to take time out and explore a different part of the country/country, seize it. Farmers these days don't have to be chained to the place 24-7 [to 'milk the cows'] as my parents have been - never a holiday in their lives!

At what point do you just accept that this is you and that you are billy no mates - the virgin and always will be so?

Never accept it. You are an introspective and sensitive person engaged in a solitary lifestyle - that is all!
Despite the ‘sociable Irish’ stereotype, many people feel very alone despite having a multitude of people around them - in whatever context.

From my own personal story, I have to say as well that the recently-developed frailty (of my father in particular) jolted me into taking some of my steps.

Nothing like the physical diminishment of your elders to provoke some soul-searching about your own life and put the skids in action before it is too late!

Is year 11 near the limit?

Please don't (it is hard) don't be putting numbers on this? It is pointless and soul-destroying. I continue to wince if my thoughts/dreams wander back to say 2003 or 1996, times when I had the choice to take a particular path [esp. career-wise] and I shirked the challenge.

It is hard, but try to live in the present and make little resolutions for yourself.
Your horizons are far wider than mine at this juncture.

A single guy who is obviously fit and energetic – no ‘Biological Clock’ worries either!

Not labouring under a [Celtic Tiger] mortgage or a dead-end corporate job where the morale dips lower by the day.

Parents (father?) still in decent health.

Co-operative and amenable co-workers

Access to fresh air every day [come to my bitching back-stabbing office and you'll get sick VERY often]

Taking care of animals and the surrounding environment and maybe growing essential foodstuffs - maybe I am being overly mushy here:)

Lots to offer friends, family - and lots to talk about with potential dates!

Take care,


New Year girl.

LegacyUser

You have to change your attutude (which seems to be very defeatist) and make the decision to get out there and change your life.

I was in a similar situation to you a few years ago and was also older than you, but like New Year Girl, I decided one New Years Eve that I wasn't going to go through another year without trying to get out of my rut and meet people. Despite being desperately shy with a fear of small talk & social situations, I made myself get out there and talk to people and mix with people who I might not normally have spoken to. It was hard at the start but I made myself perservere and it became easier. If you make an effort, others will respond to you and you become more approachable and also more attractive to others. Move on a few years & I am now happily married. I look back on the years when I used to cry with lonliness and wonder why it took me so long to get my act together.

OP - please shake off your defeatist attutude and make yourself get out there and do things you wouldn't normally do. It is worth it in the end.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm just sitting down now with a pad and a piece of paper to list down what I need to do this year.

I'm finding it difficult to get started. It's irritating that so many people do not see or know what I'm going through.

I've looked into a self defence night class, but nothing more than a trawl through google. I've been to the cinema for the first time in about 1yr, although it was on my own.

Struggling to find an activity where I can meet people. I find Belfast to be cliquey - the country ones stick together and the city ones stick together. The groups seem to stay together from the uni days. I had no friends then, so this is going to be majroly difficult for me.

Anyhow, my paper is still blank so I better jot something down!

LovelyLottie

Someone suggested http://www.meetup.com/ - did you look on this yet?

I just looked and while there are not a fraction as many groups as there are in Dublin, there are three you should look at:

Belfast social meetup: http://www.meetup.com/Belfast-social-Meetup/
Belfast city social and fun events group: http://www.meetup.com/Belfast-City-Social-and-Fun-Events-GroupNorthernIreland/
Hill Walking: http://www.meetup.com/belfasthillstours-com/

Search other towns / cities near Belfast and you might have more options.

Create a meetup account. Join a few groups. Force yourself to go to one or two events, even if every fibre in your being tells you that you don't want to go. Nothing will change unless you take some action. Good luck.

fits

Are you interested in the farm? Could you maybe use that as a social outlet with agricultural shows? getting into something competitively. Horseriding is a great sport for meeting people. Or golf? They're the two main pastimes in the countryside where I am anyway.

Taltos

OP you were looking for this thread.

holyhead

Op I am in a similar position. I was quite happy living my own self contained life. Then about a year and half a girl through circumstances stayed with me for a week. Well my whole thinking was transformed. I loved her company and I saw women in a new light. My thinking regarding young women was I regret to say was narrowly focused. A poor reflection on myself I concede. Now I want a normal healthy relationship with a girl. I can now see the companionship aspect and want it. I like you wasnt the best for socialising and now my mates are married. So I have to get off my backside and make things happen for myself. This girl who stayed with me is now a very good friend to me and I value that. I can now see that sex would be the icing on the cake not the cake itself. You need to build up your self esteem first though before trying to start a relationship with a girl. I know in the last year and half I have had alot more interaction with young girls and my confidence has improved immeasurably. I will find a girl to settle down with and to love and you can too but ONLY IF YOU ARE PROACTIVE!

Lorna123

I_Am_Alone wrote: »

Hi,

I'm just sitting down now with a pad and a piece of paper to list down what I need to do this year.

I'm finding it difficult to get started. It's irritating that so many people do not see or know what I'm going through.

I've looked into a self defence night class, but nothing more than a trawl through google. I've been to the cinema for the first time in about 1yr, although it was on my own.

Struggling to find an activity where I can meet people. I find Belfast to be cliquey - the country ones stick together and the city ones stick together. The groups seem to stay together from the uni days. I had no friends then, so this is going to be majroly difficult for me.

Anyhow, my paper is still blank so I better jot something down!

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again,
Time will bring you your reward,
Try, try again.