What to do with an old friend

RockNHard

Gentlemen,

I find myself between a rock and a hard place. I have just found out that a male mate I would have considered a close friend of mine for over a decade has been stealing from me. This has happened in two forms over the past number of months and it has been quite subtle which is why it has taken me a while to come to a definite conclusions that this was deliberate action rather than just accidental.

The first would be either waiting until he is prompted to pay what he owes me hoping that it will become over a few weeks when he will then claim he paid it etc. I am not a confrontational person so I do not openly call him out on his lies and tend to leave those sleeping dogs lie. Once or twice I can understand no one has a perfect memory but 5 times in as many months is not coincidence.

The second happened rather recently and he was holding something for me which was suppose to be passed on however what I got not what was given to him to hold. He had stolen from me directly and now thinks he has gotten away with it as I have said nothing.

I would like to know men's opinions on this, is there anything worse than a friend stealing from you and is it unforgivable?

I have a strong suspicion that this person would blow up if confronted with this information and he would be more than happy to sacrifice the friendship for the sake of saving face. Any thoughts and opinions welcome.

Regards,

Gentleman

Panthro

TGC Mod note
Might be more suited in Personal Issues.

cafecolour

I'm a little unclear - did he give you something else other than the intended item, or did he forget to give you anything?

I'm insanely forgetful - I would never remember if I owed someone money (or vice versa). Of course, I know this, so I never borrow money. I've also forgotten to pass on minor things before (this past summer I forgot to pass on a pair of earplugs that then went through the wash). He might just be very forgetful.

If you're certain it's deliberate. Well - either he is pathological thief or has some debts of some kind - i.e. gambling, drugs - that he is paranoid about (you might not be the only person he's stealing from). Or he is jealous of you, and this is his way of getting back.

I'd probably just phase him out as a friend. Unless he has a many other redeeming qualities, in which case I'd confront of him about the thing not being passed on, and then stop lending him money.

the_syco

RockNHard wrote: »

he would be more than happy to sacrifice the friendship for the sake of saving face.

This here shows that he is no friend, and the friendship is something he keeps so he can continue to steal from you.

Big Bag of Chips

If you really want to keep him as a friend, stop lending him money. If you know he won't pay it back, don't give it to him.

Also if you are expecting something from someone else ask them to make sure they wait and just give it to you directly, because sometimes things get lost in transit!

I know if you're not confrontational it'd be very hard for you to bring this up with him.. I don't think he's much of a friend, so you can just stop lending him things.. when you do, I have a feeling he'll drift away from you and onto has next "victim".

Powerhouse

RockNHard wrote: »

I would like to know men's opinions on this, is there anything worse than a friend stealing from you and is it unforgivable?

First up: "is there anything worse than a friend stealing from you?" ...there certainly are far worse things that can happen in life than this. It is unpleasant and depending on its nature perhaps invasive and certainly inappropriate. But life chucks far worse things at people.

Is it forgivable? Impossible to answer that really as it's so subjective. It depends on the circumstances, the amount, the regularity, and the role of your own possible naivieté in allowing it to happen more than once. The last mentioned is, I know, irritating to read as you will feel quite rightly that you have done no wrong but some people are less reliable than others and need to be judged and treated differently.

I have a friend to whom I lent €20 in a pub back in 1990 (probably €60 now maybe) and it became a running joke for a few years (which is why I remember it so well) among friends about getting the money back as they knew how unreliable and flighty your man was about many things.

The funny thing is that another friend now owes that same guy €200 (for something he bought from him) and cannot contact him at all to arrange payment (this is the kind of guy who'd rarely return calls or even answer the phone) so he's clearly not too worried about money. The point being that this guy would probably never have asked me for that £20 either (I never directly asked him) if I'd lent it to him. Perhaps he sees money as a relatively unimportant issue among friends.

The point of this story is I suppose that there are different personalities out there and one person might not sense the gravity of something in someone else's eyes. I didn't or wouldn't fall out with him over it but would never lend him a red cent again! On the other hand of course if it has been, say, £200 in question, then the whole scenario would have been different and it would have been far more of an issue. But I trust he would also have taken it more seriously!

Back to the issue of forgivability - as already mentioned, it depends on you, the other person, your relationship, the amount involved etc. But you need to consider the implications of not forgiving - presumably it would mean the end of your friendship and is it worth that? You could still give the guy a wide berth if you wished without a big 'falling-out' moment. A lot depends on your stage in life and how important 'friends' are or the nature of the friendship at this stage i.e is it a social/drinking friendship or a more intimate personal friendship? If it's the latter is it not possible to sit down and discuss your disappointment/concerns with him?

These are just issues to consider, but what caught my eye in the first instance when reading your initial post was the question "is there anything worse than a friend stealing from you?" - far worse things will happen in life unfortunately. Not saying that this means you have to take it less than seriously but it is a bit of an all-sweeping question and implies that there is no material difference between someone being tardy/unreliable about paying back a small sum and someone taking your ATM card and stealing money directly. Such situations are usually too nuanced to make rash assessments like that.