Why am I a dirty dog?

HenryChinaski

If I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I'm very much in love with and treats me better and makes me feel more loved than anyone I've ever met, why on Earth do I keep cheating on her with other less attractive girls that I have no real interest in at all?

I've just done it for the second time in 3 months and I'm seriously pissed off with myself but if I'm being honest I feel like should be feeling a lot worse than I actually do. I do feel guilty and ****, and I know the worst of the guilt is yet to come but basically I think I'll get past it and I really don't see any way that she could find out unless I give the game away on myself. And I have absolutely no intention of telling her because it would kill her and really it's not going to do anyone any good. Basically I'd be dumped and we'd both be heartbroken and while I might deserve it, she does not. Seriously, she's an amazing person but she's fragile. I'd much rather bear the guilt myself than trying to make myself feel better by coming clean. It would crush her and I care about her and love her so much that I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her like that.

What I'm really worried about now though is that next month I'll be leaving for about two months to take a trip to Thailand of all places for a month and then home for a month or so too. I don't consider myself a stud by any means but over the last couple of years, for some unfathomable reason, women have just been falling into my lap without me even trying to score them. Last night for instance I did not hit on this girl once but from very early on in the night I just knew that it would happen. Really how confident can I be that I'll not be a stupid d**khead while I'm away? I love this girl and I want to be with her more than anything, so why do I keep sabotaging the relationship?

Captain McDuck

I take it your young man, you remind me of myself when I was a younger chap.

What you are doing is wrong, no doubt about it. But you have come to the wrong place for sympathy. There is an extreme man hating feminist agenda in the is forum so be prepared for some hating in the following posts.

Putting the moral conundrum of cheating aside, on your trip to Thailand, if not extremely careful, you run the serious risk of catching the clap( I speak from experience).

Cheating is one thing put passing on an infection is really not something a gentlemen wants to do the women he loves.

So I guess my advice is if your going to cheat on the women you love, which you clearly are going to do, always use a condom.

And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't beat yourself up to much about it either, cheating is very real fact of many modern relationships. And despite what you might hear on these boards you are absolutely right in not telling your bird about your indiscretions. Why in the name of God would you? Absolutely crazy idea.

Best of Luck OP and remember to tarp up.

Taltos

McDuck - issued a Red Card for Breach of Charter and is now taking a one week break from the PI/RI forum.

Taltos

gmac102

HenryChinaski wrote: »

If I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I'm very much in love with and treats me better and makes me feel more loved than anyone I've ever met, why on Earth do I keep cheating on her with other less attractive girls that I have no real interest in at all?

I've just done it for the second time in 3 months and I'm seriously pissed off with myself but if I'm being honest I feel like should be feeling a lot worse than I actually do. I do feel guilty and ****, and I know the worst of the guilt is yet to come but basically I think I'll get past it and I really don't see any way that she could find out unless I give the game away on myself. And I have absolutely no intention of telling her because it would kill her and really it's not going to do anyone any good. Basically I'd be dumped and we'd both be heartbroken and while I might deserve it, she does not. Seriously, she's an amazing person but she's fragile. I'd much rather bear the guilt myself than trying to make myself feel better by coming clean. It would crush her and I care about her and love her so much that I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her like that.

What I'm really worried about now though is that next month I'll be leaving for about two months to take a trip to Thailand of all places for a month and then home for a month or so too. I don't consider myself a stud by any means but over the last couple of years, for some unfathomable reason, women have just been falling into my lap without me even trying to score them. Last night for instance I did not hit on this girl once but from very early on in the night I just knew that it would happen. Really how confident can I be that I'll not be a stupid d**khead while I'm away? I love this girl and I want to be with her more than anything, so why do I keep sabotaging the relationship?

there is something deeper going on, which has nothing to do her, its with yourself... what i dont.... but i would say if you loved your girlfriend you would be truthfully and tell her so she can decide whether she wants to be with someone who cheats on her..... we are stronger than we look.

even tho ppl say love can hurt, it isnt supposed to.

Big Bag of Chips

HenryChinaski wrote: »

we'd both be heartbroken and while I might deserve it, she does not. Seriously, she's an amazing person but she's fragile. I'd much rather bear the guilt myself than trying to make myself feel better by coming clean. It would crush her and I care about her and love her so much that I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her like that.

That's an excuse and you know it.

The more you cheat on her, the more likely you are to get caught. So either you stop cheating on her, and hope she doesn't find out about the others. Or else you break it off with her and let her be devastated for a while. Believe me, she will get over it. And then allow her the chance to find a fella who will appreciate her for the wonderful girl that you say she is.

How does it feel to think of her with someone else?

You have to grow up and make a decision, and stop with the "I can't help it" rubbish.. you are already PLANNING on cheating on her in Thailand.

So decide to stop cheating.. and do it.
Or
Decide to end the relationship.

Either way you're hurting her.

And stop fooling yourself... By keeping quiet and continuing on the only one you are protecting is yourself!

LovelyLottie

I suspect you are not emotionally mature enough to be in this relationship. I don't mean to be harsh (well maybe just a little...) but if you were mature enough and really understood the value of love/trust/emotional intimacy, you wouldn't continue to cheat on her. This isn't just a once-off mistake, you've said this has happened more than once and is likely to happen again.

There's nothing wrong with being with lots of different people. When you're single. But if you're in a relationship - and one she thinks is exclusive - this is wrong. No excuses. You're not ready for a monogomous, committed relationship. She deserves to know this crucial piece of information.

You can't have the best of both worlds, i'm afraid.

P.S. I'm not an extreme man-hating feminist btw

strandroad

HenryChinaski wrote: »

Basically I'd be dumped and we'd both be heartbroken and while I might deserve it, she does not. Seriously, she's an amazing person but she's fragile. I'd much rather bear the guilt myself than trying to make myself feel better by coming clean. It would crush her and I care about her and love her so much that I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her like that.

So you'll continue cheating on her instead? To protect her? Some logic! Come clean, get dumped, be free and sleep with whoever you want. Continuing this is just going deeper into the mess. She will get to know eventually, it's a small country and the longer it goes on the worse it will be for her.

A0

Tell her, don't stay together and seek for medical advice (GP, Psychologist, etc.), nothing else to say.
Enjoy Thailand :rolleyes:

tinkerbell

HenryChinaski wrote: »

Basically I'd be dumped and we'd both be heartbroken and while I might deserve it, she does not. Seriously, she's an amazing person but she's fragile. I'd much rather bear the guilt myself than trying to make myself feel better by coming clean. It would crush her and I care about her and love her so much that I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her like that.

I love this girl and I want to be with her more than anything, so why do I keep sabotaging the relationship?

Wow, well aren't you the decent guy here - you'd rather bear the guilt than burdening her. Yeah right, I don't think so. If you believe that rubbish that's coming from your mouth then you are seriously deluded. You do not love her at all. You are completely selfish. You don't intend to be faithful to her.

Of course it is going to upset her when she finds out - everyone would be upset if they found out their partner was cheating on them. You say you care about her and love her so much, well you have some seriously warped idea of how caring about someone and loving someone is.

Are you sleeping with these other women as well? Because you are exposing your girlfriend to getting infections then as well.

Your girlfriend will be really glad you told her - she can dump you and go find someone who will treat her with the respect that she deserves. She doesn't deserve to be treated like crap.

daisybelle2008

HenryChinaski wrote: »

so why do I keep sabotaging the relationship?

Because at some level you feel trapped and responsible for her happiness. You say she is 'fragile', that is an interesting description. The weight of the responsibility makes you feel trapped and you try to exert your freedom outside of the relationship as you don't feel free within it.

Heading to Thailand for two months without her is an interesting choice. How did that come about?

I think the dynamic of your relationship is unhealthy and unlikely to change. It will likely implode in a horrible way.

You should really evaluate if you want to be in this relationship or not just keeping each other as emotional hostages out of a sense of duty or expectation.

Your relationship is being built on a lie. As there is a big part of you that you are hiding from her. Do you think that is fair?

The guilt, duplicity and deviousness are going to eat you up. This is not going to end well.

Be honest with yourself maybe you are sabotaging it because you do not really want to be there. At least take a break while you are in Thailand and reflect on whether you can be in a relationship with her in total honesty.

Katy89

your post title is important in relation to your problems: 'why I'm a dirty dog.'

I think it's the key issue here, you'll have to find out why you're doing this and doesn't even feel too guilty.
My advice would be, if you really want to change your behaviour, find a good counseler, find out why you're acting like this and change yourself to be able to lead a trustful and respectful relationship without the urge to cheat.

sharper

HenryChinaski wrote: »

Basically I'd be dumped and we'd both be heartbroken and while I might deserve it, she does not. Seriously, she's an amazing person but she's fragile. I'd much rather bear the guilt myself than trying to make myself feel better by coming clean. It would crush her and I care about her and love her so much that I couldn't live with myself if I hurt her like that.

What a coincidence! You experiencing no negative consequences for your actions just happens to be what's best for her, what a stroke of luck.

So, for example, if you were stealing from your employer would it be right to say that he just doesn't deserve to find out about your stealing? For him to experience all the negative feelings that come with realising his trust had been betrayed and all the hassle of finding a new employee and maybe prosecuting you? That your employer is just too good and too decent to ever find out about what you were doing to him?

Your relationship is based on lies as it stands right now. Your girlfriend doesn't really know who you are, what you do or what motivates you. This more than anything means it's doomed unless you're able to start understanding yourself.

The first step towards that is to stop excusing your own behaviour. The way you write suggests you understand there's something wrong with what you're doing but you don't really see it that way. Maybe next time you're thinking of going off with another woman think about your girlfriend will feel when she finds out about it (and she will, eventually).

johnr1

Clearly, you don't admire your gf and feel in some way superior to her. That's fatal for the relationship. I'm assuming here that you're not subconsciously pressing the self destruct button out of habit or issues in your own life. If that is the case - seek counseling.
As another poster said above, stop kidding yourself that she couldn't handle you telling her about your cheating. She'd handle it alright - without you, and your own 'fragile' ego can't admit that.
I certainly ain't one of Mc Ducks feminists, but what he told you that this a normal part of modern relationships is only partly right in that it is - but only for the scum- sorry, but that's what I feel they are, that engage in it. Bet your gf wouldn't agree that it's normal, or if so, would you be happy for her to do it too?

It's going nowhere good, buddy. End it and deal with your issues.

strandroad

Just a thought, you're giving a lot of info here, anyone who knows you or the girlfriend personally will be able to recognise you. She might get this link forwarded which is probably not the way you want your problem solved.

Zen65

HenryChinaski wrote: »

How do I keep the dog in me from getting the whiff of days gone by and leading me down that dirty road again?

Wear a wedding ring on your left ring finger while you're away to emphasise that you're not a single man. It'll remind you and highlight your status to others.

Alternatively you could cancel the trip, because if your relationship is as important to you as you say, then it's not worth taking the risk, is it?

Honestly Henry, you do need to grow up if you're serious about the relationship. If you're really only staying in it because you think she could not cope without you, then you're deluding yourself. If you're staying in it because you love her, then wise up and behave as though you mean it.

I don't mean any of this harshly. I have the good fortune to not be so charming that women would often throw themselves at me, but I do place my relationship with my wife above all else, and remaining faithful is the absolute minimum that I expect of myself. This does not give me the right to be dismissive of your situation, but your posts here suggest that you are not taking responsibility for the situation in which you find yourself.

Be at peace,

Z

greenprincess

When people cheat constantly like that in my experience they usually are trying to get out of the relationship, even if they dont fully realise it yet! I dont think you should tell her but I do think you should break up with her. You clearly do not want to be in a relationship and it is not fair on either of you to continue.

LegacyUser

Mr Chinaski,

There is nothing wrong with promiscuity. But obviously it doesn't work in a conventional relationship. Usually when people have done their years of messing around, and are ready for monogamy it's not that hard... challenging in the long term yes, but not worth the risk for randomers. You're not ready for a monogamous relationship yet. Cut the girl loose and get on with growing up.

Have fun.

Big Bag of Chips

There's nothing wrong with kissing/sleeping with other people... so long as she knows about it, and knows that the option is also there for her to go out and be with others too.

Fentdog84

Unfortunately, you cannot have things both ways.. If you love and are really serious about this girl you need to stop what your doing right way and cancel your trip to Thailand. But if she meant that much to in the first place you wouldnt be cheating on her would you?
I think the best thing really is to break up with her. When she asks why you might aswell say you were cheating on her. It may soften the blow, a small bit(for her). But otherwise you cant really do much about how she reacts. She is going to be upset, understandably, either way. You've made your bed so lie in it. Its way better than if she finds out this way rather from from another source which she will eventually anyway.
In future if you are going to be messing around with different women, just be upfront from the get-go about what your doing. You'll actually find you'll get more respect that way, although some will not want to have anything to do with you of course. But really, get a grip and stop being a knobhead and sort this situation out one way or another. No girl deserves that shyte.

I am a friend

Well seeing as you asked...

You are a dirty dog because you have low self esteem / worth and you try to make yourself feel a bit better by scoring girls on the side while humiliating and endangering your gf who you claim to love. On top of that you make up excuses for not telling her and so continue as you are - hurting her and lying to her...

It's easier to cheat in a relationship than to be faithful and I think boys don't understand this but men do...

I am a friend

Well you seem to have all justified in your own head so I'm not sure what you are asking?

tinkerbell

HenryChinaski wrote: »

I'm a guy who's used to being single and it's going to be a test for me

Well isn't that the lamest excuse I've ever heard for a guy cheating on his girlfriend. It must be sooo hard for you to remain faithful because you've gotten used to being single. Man up and do the right thing. I feel sorry for your girlfriend, she doesn't know how disrespected she is by her boyfriend. You don't seem to have any remorse at all for what you've done, instead you justify it by a ton of these stupid reasons which you think make cheating ok. There is no justifying cheating. If things aren't going well, end it, then get with someone else.

And by the way, people said cancel the trip to Thailand because you can't remain faithful. You came back with that you're "not into Thai birds". There are plenty of girls with various nationalities in Thailand, there are not just Thai girls there. There are loads of Irish on holiday there all the time backpacking, English, Australian, etc. etc.

I hope your girlfriend finds out what you are really like and ends the relationship because she deserves to be treated with respect, not played for a fool.

strandroad

OP you just don't have a correct attitude and understanding what an exclusive relationship is. Perhaps you're not mature enough or perhaps she is not the right girl for you - I've seen it before when "dogs" turned into one woman men when they had enough of dogging, but no sooner. You constant excuses and justifications can't cover the fact that the base is just not there. You're only intellectualising the fact that you don't treat your gf as equal and you do not respect her as a partner. You'll cheat again and you'll justify it too because you're not ready to accept the responsibility and the commitment.

There are people living happily in open relationships but from what you see your partner believes you have an exclusive one. I'd say that the honest thing here would be to break up with her or fess up which will most likely amount to the same. Then go and sow your wild oats until the day when you've had enough.

Kimia

HenryChinaski wrote: »

I'm definitely not going to tell her though because I'm not going to lose this amazing girl over some drunken bull that she really won't find out about unless I come clean.

The thing is Henry, you don't have her now. She is with you because she thinks you are a totally different person to who you actually are. The only reason she's with you is because you are lying to her.

It's not going to last.

Abi

You shouldn't be in a relationship Henry. You say you love your girlfriend, but you obviously don't. When you're in love with someone you would die before you'd hurt them in any way.


You know you're going to do it again. If you are afraid of hurting her by telling her the truth (which we all know is BS), then why don't you end it anyway? Just tell her that you're not ready to be in a relationship, because you clearly aren't and have no understanding of how it works.