Stuck in the middle :(

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I just need a little advice on an ongoing situation thats really beginning to upset me. Its a bit complicated. About this time last year I introduced my best female friend to another friend of mine (male) who I knew through my boyfriend at the time. Now this guy, lets call him Dave, had a long term girlfriend, lets say Amy.

Amy and Dave had been together for several years with a few bumps in the road. Amy wasn't the most social person in the world but I knew her reasonably well and always got along with her. Dave on the other hand was out every weekend several times and loved his drink. Anyway, so I introduced my friend (Paula) to Dave on a night out and we all had good craic. A few weeks later Paula told me that she had been out and had seen Dave again (we live in a small town) and that she quite liked him. I told her he had a girlfriend and assumed that would be it. A few weeks later Paula admitted to me she and Dave had been flirting/texting etc. I told my boyfriend at the time and he took Dave aside and told him to cop on.

Low and behold a few weeks later Paula tells me she hooked up with Dave on a night out (just kissing apparently). I got upset as I know Daves girlfriend. I tried to see things from Paulas view, that as a single person shes not technically to blame here but that she should have the decency to stay away from him. I warned her to please stay away from him. She told Dave that I knew and he text me asking me not to tell Amy. He said it was a massive mistake and he was drunk etc. and he didn't want to break Amys heart.

A few weeks later it happened again. This time according to Paula he tried to get her to go home and sleep with him. She didn't.

A couple of months later I found out that my long term boyfriend cheated on me. He didn't tell me about it so I was devastated. I text Dave shortly after that and told him that if it was genuinely a stupid drunk mistake and he was truly sorry not to tell Amy and I wouldnt either. But I said if hes at it all the time and stringing her along she deserves to know. He said it was the biggest mistake, etc and that he loved her more than anything.

A few months later it happened again. Again no sex, just kissing and stuff. But now I'm at a loss for what to do. Paula acts as though its just drunken accidents that shes not responsible for ("he was chucking drink into me") and its even starting to damage my relationship with her. I see her in a different light now and I really don't want to as she is a good friend. I don't know what to do or whether I should say something. Amy is be no means a close friend of mine, but she is a friend and she is a good friend of one of my good friends. So I feel like a cow knowing about this and not saying anything. But I know the pain of finding out the person you love is cheating and I don't know if I can unleash that on someone else.

He has had so many warnings...

Should she know!?!? Help

She should know.

And I completely understand that under these circumstances it must be very hard not to feel hurt by your friend's actions. You were cheated on and she clearly hasn't understood the damage it can cause. She's being very selfish and while you're closer to her than you are to Amy, it's clear who's in the wrong. Tell them you're going to tell Amy, and then tell her.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. The thing I'm worried about is a shoot the messenger type situation. Paula says nothing will ever happen again but I have heard that before. She also made me promise not to say anything before she told me.

I'm not that close to Amy and I'm a bit afraid of losing my friendship with Paula and causing devastation for Amy. Is there anything to be gained?

My stomach has been in knots about this for months, I really feel terrible for knowing.

ziedth

If it were me I'd take it to my grave. You'll get no thanks for telling Amy first off. I even think you are getting too involved by getting them to swear to behave and so on. I certainly wouldn't lie or cover for your friend but just put it to the back of your mind is my advice.

As a side note, I really can't understand the point of view that "she is single and hasn't done anything wrong" it's crazy to think that someone can try and sleep with someone in a relationship and can fob it off like that. Anyway, that really isn't important.

lace

Telling Amy will probably break her heart, break up their relationship and leave Dave free to properly get together with Paula - giving her exactly what she seems to want. The first two will probably happen anyways - these things have a way of coming out in the end - but do you really want to be involved in the whole ugly mess?

Your friend is definitely in the wrong here and, seeing as you've since broken up with the man who was your connection to Dave, I'd be primarily dealing with her if I were you.

They are both adults and their relationship (however wrong or sordid it may be) isn't really something I'd be getting involved in. The thing you should be concerned about is the way in which this is affecting your relationship with your friend. You should definitely sit her down and have a talk about it. Seeing her true colours has probably been a big shock to you and you need to decide whether this is someone you can stand to have in your life.

Big Bag of Chips

My married friend was cheating with another married friend.. I knew her husband fairly well and felt awful that I knew and he didn't.

I talked to her - I did the whole reasoning thing, got all the promises that it would never happen again, and it did happen, again.. and again.. and...

In the end I had to end my friendship with her. They have 2 kids, and I didn't think it was my place to end their marriage, and break up their family.

So I just had to walk away from the friendship. I couldn't stay friends with her, for a couple of reasons - 1 - it really really changed my opinion of the type of person she was, and 2 - I did not want her husband to think if/when it all came out, that I was "in on it", and having a laugh at him.

We no longer talk.