So lonely at new years

LegacyUser

This time of the year I always dread, I feel very very lonely on new years as I'm always here on my own. I miss my ex badly even though he left a few years ago. We have kids together so I always have to see him and he is with someone else and this is more or less rubbed in my face.

I can't stop thinking of him playing happy families while I am seriously struggling.

Every year is the same.... me on my own, kids in bed. Its not easy for me to move on as one of the kids has serious issues so its not like anyone would want to date me. I also have very little free time due to these issues. I wouldnt change my kids for the world but life really is very tough.

I normally go to bed before 12 and hope to be long asleep but I'm always woken by all the happiness and cheering in of the new year. :-(

Any suggestions to make the day easier are much appreciated.

desolate sun

Hi OP

Would it be possible to get a babysitter and go out fir the night with the girls or the family. Or if that's not possible could you invite people around for a quiet night.

A friend of mine is in a similar position. She is divorced with 3 kids. The ex is a waste of space. He never comes near the kids or helps out with them. She is left paying for the kids and the mortgage. But she has an awful lot going for her. She has 3 healthy kids, she looks after herself and is attractive, she took up driving when she got divorced from the husband so she has independence that she never had. Her husband was a gambler who got them into serious debt and also a cheater, so the divorce was a blessing in disguise. The only problem with my friend is that she is always focusing on the negative. OK she has problems (like us all) but she doesn't appreciate what she has.

I have a feeling that this is what's stopping her from meeting someone. Forgive me but I also got this from your post. I'm sorry for your situation but if you think that no one will go out with you because your child has issues, then they won't. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, it's not meant to. It's just if we believe something if becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Change your way of thinking. Be positive. I know it's hard, especially when your ex has moved on and is doing his own thing. Is there a chance he would babysit for you. It's so important to have some 'me' time when you're raising kids on your own.

Also what my friend tries to do is be involved in a sports class - maybe 1-2 hours a week. This is her time, where she does something for herself. It keeps her sane.

OP please try to do something for yourself. It could be to have your Mum/best friend/close neighbour around and give yourself a facial, or go for a nice walk or have a nice quiet drink in on New Years. Or if you can put on a nice dress, focus on the positive and go out for a drink.

Hope you have a good time whatever you do.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately one of my children does not have their health and also has behavioural issues so even going out anywhere is a major ordeal.

My ex is a waste of space so don't know why I hold the torch. He does however when in the public eye make a great deal out of the 'brillant' daddy that he is and even lets people think we are still together at the many appointments that we have to go to. I'm dreading another year of this behaviour. If you think Street Angel, House Devil is the sort of person he really is.

There is no chance of him helping out or babysitting and believe me I don't get many offers of babysitting a child who has behavioural issues.

I can't go for a walk or do the basic things even due to the above without it being a big ordeal. Now my kids do bring an awful lot of joy but really it is very, very hard and while normally I get on with things, Christmas and New Years bring it to a head. It is the same every year.

Thanks for the replies, even having a little rant helps

ANSI

Newyearhater wrote: »

This time of the year I always dread, I feel very very lonely on new years as I'm always here on my own. I miss my ex badly even though he left a few years ago. We have kids together so I always have to see him and he is with someone else and this is more or less rubbed in my face.

I can't stop thinking of him playing happy families while I am seriously struggling.

Every year is the same.... me on my own, kids in bed. Its not easy for me to move on as one of the kids has serious issues so its not like anyone would want to date me. I also have very little free time due to these issues. I wouldnt change my kids for the world but life really is very tough.

I normally go to bed before 12 and hope to be long asleep but I'm always woken by all the happiness and cheering in of the new year. :-(

Any suggestions to make the day easier are much appreciated.

respectfully I don't think you should go to bed before 12 anyway. stay up and have a drink - if you drink- even if alone. if nothing else it will be a change.

And change is what you want. Remember If you always do what you always did then you'll always get what you always got

Change may not be easy but is is necessary

No offense but going to bed is a bit like "giving up".

if you live where there are others and they are out at midnight, in your estate or wherever, go out and say happy new year and try to enjoy it.*

Happy new year

*I do not mean leave the children only pop outside if they are in bed

username123

Hey OP, having a rant is good and hopefully you feel a bit better for letting it out.

Just a few things - dont think of your ex and his new partner as 'rubbing it in your face'. Think of it as 'poor woman, now she is stuck with the waste of space'.

A child having serious issues does not mean people would not want to date you. As we grow older there are all sorts of issues that people come across and deal with, health issues in partners, financial problems, children, children with health issues, elderly parents with health issues, mental issues etc.....

Towards the end of their lives my father was a raving aggressive alcoholic and my mother was partially paralysed, in a wheelchair and not in her right mind. There was a LOT of time and minding done by me. I never once thought that it was a reason for ME not to meet someone. Its life! People have health, mental and emotional issues. Whats important is a routine in place, support from friends/family and some kind of respite for the carer so that they CAN have time to do their own thing and meet someone else.

As for your ex and his house devil, street angel act, just try and move on and be firm when in public or at an appointment with him. Not bitchy, but if he makes any reference or implies that you are together just say out loud, nice and calm 'Im sorry, that doesnt make sense as we are not together and you are not very involved with our child' - or something to that effect.

Do you have any support with the children from friends/family/social services etc...? Are you getting time to yourself at all? You need to have a life as well as raising your children. Make that your new years resolution.

btw, a lady round the corner from me has a seriously physically and mentally handicapped child from a relationship and she currently lives with a new partner and they have 2 children together. It happens, a child with health issues is not a reason to think you cannot have a relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks Username123 that actully makes a lot of sense. I think part of the problem is I'm feeling exhausted at the moment and that doesnt help much.

I'm hoping maybe 2012 is gonna be my year, I havent really been on any dates because to be honest after my ex I don't bother making any effort with men as he hurt me that much but you are right in what you say, I do very often pity the other woman.

Nice people don't treat others the way he treated me and the kids.

Ranting definitely make me feel better.

At the appointments I'm afraid of making other people uncomfortable by commenting when he comes out with strangest of stuff (basically he lets people believe he lives with the child and does all the work) I know deep down he is ashamed to let them know the truth.

Thanks again and Happy New Year.

LegacyUser

hang in there. Only consolation is that others feel lonely also. Life can be hard, and at these times you have to be strong to survive the loneliness and despair that engulfs us making us feel we are outsiders and do not belong. Take one day at a time. But make this a watershed time. Change your life. DO IT NOW.