Sex, Lies and Videotape

wobbleyhead

Ok so this is a long one but it's needed to get some backround and the full story.

I've been with my partner for 8 years, we met in London and when she moved back to Ireland I quit my job and followed her over.

A little while after I moved over she broke up with me as I had been sending "dirty messages/emails" to another woman. Now this woman was my closet friend and she had brought me through some very bad times in my life. I did say sexual things to her both on the phone and by email and by text, i suppose that's all three then. This woman was just a friend, there were feelings there around 10 years ago but nothing ever happened and nothing ever would, she's just one of the lads so when i say i was saying sexual things to her it the same sort of banter that you would have with the lads/girls that you know.
She doesn't think that I should be talking like that to anyone espcially not someone that I had feelings for (she's knows I had feelings as she accidentally found an old diary of mine) so she said to me that I obviously still had feelings for her and that because of my betrayel it was over.

We got back together a few months later and I promised not speak to my friend again, and I didn't speak to her for a few years. In the meantime we planned on getting married and now have a little baby boy.

Earlier this year we were under some pressure I'd been forced to move jobs due to pay cuts and we weren't doing so well financially. I was more than a little depressed as I'm sure you could understand. Somehow I got talking to my old friend again. It was like it always was, we would joke around and send on pictures of life etc as if we'd never stopped speaking.

My partner found out i was speaking to her again and she finished it. She said that I've betrayed her again knowing the consiquences and so i've chosen my friend over our family. She moved out and took our son with her. In the meantime we shared raising him as normal (creche etc) There were many heated arguments over the whole thing which can be summerized as

She thinks I've got feelings for my friend
She thinks it's not normal to speak to other people in a sexual way other than your partner
She says that she can't trust anything that I say because i've hidden this from her for months. even though she directly asked me if i'd heard from her after the birth of our son.

So I went home to London for a few days to see some friends and think about thinks, while i was there i did see the person in question, i went round to her flat and had dinner with her and her fiance. They are both at a loss with this as they know that nothing would ever happen and that because we were/are/were so close it's just the nature of how we speak to each other. Her fiance knew all along how we speak to each other and they speak to other friends of theirs the same. It's banter between friends, innuendo mostly as I've never said anything like "fancy popping round for a quickie".

So I came back and there were more arguments about it and how i've betrayed her and ruined our family. During one of these arguments my ex tells me that a few years ago when i'd been sending "dirty" messages to another friend of mine she got so angry with me that she came home with another guy that night and she's looking forward to doing it again. At the time i was still in London so I had no Idea what was going on with her. After talking to her she tells me that she cheated on me a few other times as well. When she was in London she slept with her flatmate and then she nearly did it again a few days later but stopped at only kissing him, I was away with work at the time. A couple of days later she came see me for her birthday and said nothing.

After more questioning from me when she was with her flatmate it wasn't a quick drunken fumble that felt terrible about. She was with him for the whole night, she said that she stopped him a couple of times because she felt guilty so she would masturbate him or give him oral sex for a while but then she would start having sex with him again. She posed for photographs and videos. So she obviously didn't really feel guilty enough to leave or to stop him from taking those photo's/video's.

The following time she stopped at giving him oral but again it went on for a few hours. She said that she did that to get him to stop as she didn't want to have sex with him.

The next time she cheated, she said it was to get revenge on me for what I had done by sending "dirty" messages to a friend. This time she says that she only masturbated him but that they were kissing and grinding for most of the night.

Currently I'm in therapy to try and deal with all this. My therapist hasn't really given me any help with this particualr thing so I'll ask you guys. We now have gotten back togther to try again for the sake of our son. She refuses to go to cousilling as she says that she's done nothing wrong as it was a revenge thing for her and she was perfectly justified!! But she insists that I go to therapy for "my abnormal behaviour".

Am I being crazy?
Can I ever forgive her as I think about this everyday and she has carried on as if nothing has happened.
Should I tell her family, she's told them that i've sent these "dirty" messages and they aren't exactly welcoming me at the moment as the think i'm a complet douchebag. Her sister know's and she's convinced her to keep it quietand not to tell me in the first place.

So far i've not told my family and friends as I don't want them to look/act with her the way her family is with me but I'm not sure if can keep this to myself as it's driving me crazy.

So sorry for the long winded post but I think it's needed to get some perspective on it.

Any Ideas?

Chucky the tree

Run like Usian Bolt away from her. She seems like a right tramp.

Da Shins Kelly

To be honest, this sounds like a lost cause to me. You just don't trust each other. She sounds like she's taking her own guilt out on you to make herself feel better about herself. All this tension and fighting is not going to do your child any favours. I think you'd be better off away from each other.

G-Money

Yeah this sounds like a lost cause.

But I think it's definitely a case of the pot calling the kettle black where she is concerned. Yeah fair enough you maybe shouldn't have been sending suggestive texts, but that's as far as it went. She definitely took that and used it as an excuse to cheat left right and centre, even though it's no justification in anyone's eyes.

To be honest, alarm bells started ringing for me when she had to cut your friend out of your life. When a partner demands that, it's always a bad sign in my book.

OS119

wobbleyhead wrote: »

Any Ideas?

yup, i think your partner is a nutjob.

while i can accept the idea that she thinks you're behaviour has destroyed the relationship (whether i'd agree is irrellevent), i am at a complete loss to understand why the same rational, sentient human being could possibly then also believe that her behaviour has not destroyed the relationship.

if she believes that you sending flirty texts to a friend/ex is infidelity, then she cannot possibly believe that her getting roared up by every tom, dick and harry is not infidelity.

either she's got the most astonishing double standards - which doesn't bode well - or she's actually unhinged.

sorry mate, but you're well away from her. quite how you're going to deal with her with regards your child i don't know, but somehow i doubt she's going to be reasonable...

LegacyUser

Wait a minute,

she accusses you of sending dirty txts and cheats on you with a random guy. Before that she had already cheated on you with her flatmate? Run, run away. She sounds like a tramp.

Flange/Flanders

Op she sounds like a complete yoke and i feel sorry for you that you have a child with her.

Disgusting and all that her behaviour is, her going into graffic detail about it seems to be that she likes making you feel bad, especially when she said she was looking forward to doing it again.

Also, her looking through your text messages and old diary is unreal bad form.

Id say leave her too it.

homerjay2005

she sounds like a disturbed psycho, who wants to be in control of some sick twisted games. one thing that is possible, is that she actually did none of those things she said, she is just trying to wreck your head.

and i dont get why needed the graphic detail if what she is saying is true, whether she dropped her knickers or tossed him off doesnt matter one bit as they are all exactly the same, in fact going down on somebody is worst than anything in this sense, if that is even possible.

i would get rid of her asap. you could try playing her own game and make up stories about details of what you got up to, but i dont think is worth it, just get rid of her.

she seems like she is missing something. maybe if you leave her, she will change her tune.

johnr1

Sounds to me like you're playing the old "you're worse than me" game.

She cheated on you repeatedly. Why would you want to be with her?

You would need to re-assess your relationship with your "friend" also. I have plenty of female friends, I have never exchanged flirty emails or texts with them. That's reserved for women I want to f**k.
If a partner lied to me about being in contact with someone they "previously" had feelings for, and had exchanged flirty stuff with, they'd be out the door faster than it took to write this.

Btw, do you like being an ego-stroker for your "friend" ? someone she uses to show her current partner that she has options ?

FFs leave each other off to find people more suited. That'll be better for your child too.
.

Abi

There doesn't seem to have been any loyalty from either party here, though I feel what she did was far worse, and using your connection with your 'friend' to take the lime-light off herself.

There will never be trust in this toxic relationship OP, so for the sake of your child put an end to it all.

Taltos

Your son (if he is your son) will be much better off if you two can find a way to separate on good terms. I don't think any marriage or relationship will end well here and the atmosphere will just wreck this kids head as well as yours.

Keeping it simple, get out of there also.
But get legal advice first and hold off on sex just in case.... Preggers or sti....

ziedth

For Clarification can you give us an example of an email? Like there is a world of difference between flirting and banter that you'd have with a friend.

I have female friends and (granted in a group setting) we would say things that really would be considered dodgy. Winding up mates by OTT chatting up there OH and that kind of thing. However, slotting in flirty inuendo is a different ball game.

In any event, it looks to me like she is making a huge deal about this to either break up and make you the bad guy and/or to make her cheating come off better.

My advice, try and be civil for your kids sake and run for the hills.

gizmorox

wobbleyhead wrote: »

Ok so this is a long one but it's needed to get some backround and the full story.

I've been with my partner for 8 years, we met in London and when she moved back to Ireland I quit my job and followed her over.

A little while after I moved over she broke up with me as I had been sending "dirty messages/emails" to another woman. Now this woman was my closet friend and she had brought me through some very bad times in my life. I did say sexual things to her both on the phone and by email and by text, i suppose that's all three then. This woman was just a friend, there were feelings there around 10 years ago but nothing ever happened and nothing ever would, she's just one of the lads so when i say i was saying sexual things to her it the same sort of banter that you would have with the lads/girls that you know.
She doesn't think that I should be talking like that to anyone espcially not someone that I had feelings for (she's knows I had feelings as she accidentally found an old diary of mine) so she said to me that I obviously still had feelings for her and that because of my betrayel it was over.

We got back together a few months later and I promised not speak to my friend again, and I didn't speak to her for a few years. In the meantime we planned on getting married and now have a little baby boy.

Earlier this year we were under some pressure I'd been forced to move jobs due to pay cuts and we weren't doing so well financially. I was more than a little depressed as I'm sure you could understand. Somehow I got talking to my old friend again. It was like it always was, we would joke around and send on pictures of life etc as if we'd never stopped speaking.

My partner found out i was speaking to her again and she finished it. She said that I've betrayed her again knowing the consiquences and so i've chosen my friend over our family. She moved out and took our son with her. In the meantime we shared raising him as normal (creche etc) There were many heated arguments over the whole thing which can be summerized as

She thinks I've got feelings for my friend
She thinks it's not normal to speak to other people in a sexual way other than your partner
She says that she can't trust anything that I say because i've hidden this from her for months. even though she directly asked me if i'd heard from her after the birth of our son.

So I went home to London for a few days to see some friends and think about thinks, while i was there i did see the person in question, i went round to her flat and had dinner with her and her fiance. They are both at a loss with this as they know that nothing would ever happen and that because we were/are/were so close it's just the nature of how we speak to each other. Her fiance knew all along how we speak to each other and they speak to other friends of theirs the same. It's banter between friends, innuendo mostly as I've never said anything like "fancy popping round for a quickie".

So I came back and there were more arguments about it and how i've betrayed her and ruined our family. During one of these arguments my ex tells me that a few years ago when i'd been sending "dirty" messages to another friend of mine she got so angry with me that she came home with another guy that night and she's looking forward to doing it again. At the time i was still in London so I had no Idea what was going on with her. After talking to her she tells me that she cheated on me a few other times as well. When she was in London she slept with her flatmate and then she nearly did it again a few days later but stopped at only kissing him, I was away with work at the time. A couple of days later she came see me for her birthday and said nothing.

After more questioning from me when she was with her flatmate it wasn't a quick drunken fumble that felt terrible about. She was with him for the whole night, she said that she stopped him a couple of times because she felt guilty so she would masturbate him or give him oral sex for a while but then she would start having sex with him again. She posed for photographs and videos. So she obviously didn't really feel guilty enough to leave or to stop him from taking those photo's/video's.

The following time she stopped at giving him oral but again it went on for a few hours. She said that she did that to get him to stop as she didn't want to have sex with him.

The next time she cheated, she said it was to get revenge on me for what I had done by sending "dirty" messages to a friend. This time she says that she only masturbated him but that they were kissing and grinding for most of the night.

Currently I'm in therapy to try and deal with all this. My therapist hasn't really given me any help with this particualr thing so I'll ask you guys. We now have gotten back togther to try again for the sake of our son. She refuses to go to cousilling as she says that she's done nothing wrong as it was a revenge thing for her and she was perfectly justified!! But she insists that I go to therapy for "my abnormal behaviour".

Am I being crazy?
Can I ever forgive her as I think about this everyday and she has carried on as if nothing has happened.
Should I tell her family, she's told them that i've sent these "dirty" messages and they aren't exactly welcoming me at the moment as the think i'm a complet douchebag. Her sister know's and she's convinced her to keep it quietand not to tell me in the first place.

So far i've not told my family and friends as I don't want them to look/act with her the way her family is with me but I'm not sure if can keep this to myself as it's driving me crazy.

So sorry for the long winded post but I think it's needed to get some perspective on it.

Any Ideas?

The two of you are toxic together,jealousy and point scoring do not a relationship make,been there,done that,wore the very tight t shirt

miaowmiaow

Whoah. Get a good solicitor fast. She sounds like the kind of crazy that won't let you see your son given enough reason, which in her books is certainly not a lot. Since you two aren't married you don't have any real rights to see your child so I'd reccommend checking out citizensinformation.ie to find out about applying for guardianship and stuff.

As for the question over flirty banter with someone you liked a decade ago? C'mon now, seriously, you'd want to be one hell of a sad eejit to harbor desire for someone that long and not get over it.
As for the content of your convos, unless you said something directly to the tune of "I want to sleep with you" you're probably in the clear. Some people call flirty banter sleaze, but there you go. Stop beating yourself up.

She sounds like a malicious, horrible and twisted woman. Be very careful how you remove yourself from her clutches. She's the one in need of psychological help, but don't bother playing that card, it'll be lost on such a vindictive woman. She enjoys making you hurt by the sounds of things, and I don't think she would want to change if her lies give her power, as they obviously have been doing for your entire relationship together.

Good luck.

curlzy

Wow, that has to be the most bizarre scenario I've ever read on boards. Agree completely that she's a nutjob but I somehow can't believe that you're whiter than white or even sane. Not to be a bitch but how in the name of god could you be with someone that insane unless you either a) like insanity and drama or b) think it's normal, either option leaves serious questions about you. So yeah run like the hills, get good legal advise regarding your son and then get into counselling to figure out how you've let this whole thing happen. I would have been gone after the first instance of crazy, you on the other hand have gone back for second and third helpings, why?

fungun

I dont think she is a nutjob but to reconcile she has to accept that 'revenge' is not an acceptable reason to cheat...esp when you actually hadnt done anything physical. However, telling her family is a bit much when you could do the same.

Is reconciling with her really the best thing for your child? Im not sure, based on your post. Id suggest couples counselling if you want to try to reconcile, otherwise see a solicitor

username123

Its not a relationship. Neither of you trust each other or have any respect for each other.

Her extreme reaction to dirty texts with a female friend would probably indicate she was judging you by her standards, ie, having sex with anyone and presuming that the dirty texts/emails were just the tip of the iceberg. You shouldnt have been having inappropriate texts/emails etc with a female friend if you were serious about your relationship. She shouldnt have been having revenge sex.

Basically, you two are totally toxic and you have unfortunately brought a child into this horrible situation. I suggest you completely sever all contact with each other bar what is necessary regarding your child and try to move on and find a healthy relationship where the people have respect for each other and treat each other with some dignity.

tinkerbell

First of all, what are you thinking sending flirty inappropriate texts to your friend? It's disrespectful to your relationship, your friend and her relationship with her partner. You should not be saying flirty texts like that to a friend. How can you even think that's ok?

Secondly, your gf has no respect for you. She has shagged all around her and you are taking her back? Continue your therapy and dump her.

The pair of you should not be in a relationship. You disrespect her by flirting with your friend and she disrespects you by sleeping with whoever will have her.

OkayWhatever

You should leave.

She's blatantly just looking for excuses to cheat on you.. It's obviously what she wants to do.

I know it's hard, but I personally don't think it's best for your son as you stated as the reason you're back together.

You can't cheat on somebody,let alone cheat on somebody and try blame them.

I'm not saying what you did was right, because I don't think you should have been sending the dirty text messages. But it's no excuse to cheat on you.

If either of you cared about the relationship, neither of you would have betrayed each other. And the lies and secrecy, you both knew what you were doing and CHOSE to hurt each other.

I don't think it's going to work out, it's just going to hurt you both and your son more when it all does come to the predicted end.

An eye for an eye and the whole world would be blind.