Resenting stepson?

LegacyUser

Hi guys posting unreg for this as I feel quite embarrassed, also my apologies in advance for the very long winded post.

I have a wonderful partner whom I have a child with, he also has a 4year old son from a previous relationship. We are not married, so he is not my stepson as such but I am very conscious not to treat him any differently from our own child.

I think I may be starting to resent my OH son. We are not well off. We rent a small 2 bed apartment so that there is room when his son stays over also. To be honest we struggle. I have not been able to get work since I had my child but I do not qualify for any benefits so things are tough for us. We do the best that we can for the kids and ourselves.

The problem for me is the way that my stepsons mother treats him and, inadvertently us. She gives him anything he wants, when he wants it. Food, toys, days out etc. She is also unemployed the last while so we thought that this issue might have calmed down but apparently it has not. She never reprimands his behaviour, she just lets him have his own way to make things easy for her. Any time my OH tries to discuss this with her all we get is sly digs and threats of being brought to court for more maintenance or her stopping access (she has stopped my OH seeing his son on several occasions).

My OH and I have a very different style of parenting to his ex. We have both worked since we were 15 years of age, believe it is very important for children to learn the value of money, to respect others, behave well etc. We have his son overnight each weekend for 1 or 2 nights, depending on his ex's mood tbh and what suits her schedule.

It seems that each week he arrives in with some new big toy or otherwise usually €40-50 transformer toys or similar. Even more so than usual with Christmas just past. To us these things would be got for Christmas gift, birthday or other special occasion. She ruins things for us because any time we try to reward him with a small toy it is seen to be nothing as he expects these things as day to day 'suprises'.

As an example this Christmas past his present was a trip to disney world (which we discussed and contributed to). We got him a remote control car also. He was also given (by my OH ex) a wii console, several games, a stunt bike type thing, several big transformer toys, hot wheels toys, dvd's, the list goes on and on.

Nothing we do is appreciated, we struggle and try to do our best for the kids but she has to out do everything. We can't buy him a nice outfit because she only allows him wear designer clothes, she takes him to mcD's & play centres, cinema etc. frequently, we can only afford to do these things as a big treat.

I am starting to feel quite resentful as we plan our whole weekend around him being here, can't go up around the town because he will throw a tantrum and want to buy a toy (he is used to this from his mother), we can't even bring him to the supermarket because he causes such a scene wanting to buy sweets & dvd's etc. He has a massive strop if he does not get the dinner he wants, does not get to watch a particular tv show, does not get an ice cream etc. If we bring him to the park or playground he want to get mcD's afterward. You are probably getting the picture.

We try to correct this behaviour and get him to behave through encouraging positive behaviour, time outs when necessary, treats if he is good. But it all feels so useless when our hard work is being un-done the rest of the week when he is with his mother and gets his own way every time. We feel all our effort is fruitless.

Thanks to anyone who has managed to get this far and keep reading! I would really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions. I really try to love this child but it is getting very hard. I don't want my daughter to see his example and think this is how to get things her way. Weekends have become a tense and stressful time for us as a result of his behaviour.

Tl;dr?
Step son gets all he wants at home, causing difficulty for my and OH, v. bad behaviour and tantrums rewarded by his mother. Afraid it will rub off on our child.

EGAR

The best thing you can give to a child is your time. I know it sounds like a platitude but it isn't. My son is 7, he got showered in presents this Xmas, including by us. Transformers, Wii games the lot.

BUT when I asked him what he wanted to do, he said he would like play with us and we ended up doing HAMA bead designs for hours :eek:.

Kids are not stupid, they know which side their bread is *buttered* on but they also know who is really there for them when things go *wrong*.

I would suggest to do things with him, it doesn't have to playcentres etc which cost money. Beach or forest walks, collecting shells or leaves to make stuff with later at home. *Reading* together, playing simple games like hide and seek in a park etc. Much more fun and interactive and he will soon learn that he can depend on you and trust you.

And perhaps your OH should have a talk with his ex and bring in a rule such as the child can bring only one toy with him when he comes to stay with you?

Catari Jaguar

I guess it's like when spoiled brats start school and all of a sudden they aren't the centre if the universe. An infants teacher won't pander and won't indulge. The kids quickly pick up that what goes at home won't be put up with at school. Kids LOVE boundaries, structure and positive attention. Just keep the foot down at home with your rules. It'll bite Mammy in the ass eventually.

Big Bag of Chips

Totally agree with cherubs post. It said what I was going to. Kids very quickly learn what will or won't he tolerated in different places. In school he can have all the tantrums and screaming fits he wants, his teacher won't let him play on the floor if he's supposed to be practicing letters...

And he will quickly figure out that while mam let's him away with stuff, teacher doesn't.

Forget his mother and what she does or doesn't do... you'll never change her! What you have to do is teach him what is acceptable to you. Even though its the last thing you want to do, you SHOULD bring him to town when he is with you. Tell him you are not buying anything today... and stick to it. He will have a tantrum. He will kick and scream. But don't buy him anything. Then go the following week, and do the same thing. I can guarantee you by week 3 or 4 he'll he getting the message! And he will not expect you to buy him something... he will still expect it from his mother though!

Or promise him a bag of buttons or something on the way home if he's good, and try as best you can to distract him with jobs, or games or chat etc while you're around town... I don't know many 4 year olds who like town!!

I know its hard to separate your feelings for him from his mother and your situation etc, but its true what they say, a child is a product of his environment, and he will do what he thinks he'll get away with.

Start letting him know what he won't get away with and he'll soon adapt to that. It'll be tough for the first while, but stick with it... it WILL be worth it.. eventually!

LegacyUser

Thank you both for your replies EGAR and cherub rock.

I tend to agree with you Egar, I always try to make a point of doing some sort of activities with him. It's generally simple crafty stuff, painting, colouring in, baking, jigsaws, playing games, dancing around the place like an eejit! :P etc. It can be very difficult to keep his attention though, he seems to be used to constant tv/dvd's on in the background and he won't stay focused on a simple task for long.

I should have added in the OP also, we do not have a car and living in a small town with very poor public transport also limits the cheap kind of day trips we can take. A walk around the town means passing shops and the assorted demands and tantrums! We tend to avoid this kind of situation as much as possible with him unless absolutely necessary.


Thanks Cherub rock, that is my exact mentality. I am a bit of a hardass with my own daughter, whereas my OH would be a little softer and tend to spoil them a bit more often and give in a little easier which probably doesn't help. I agree, routine, boundries and consistancy is key. Kids need to know where they stand! It is very difficult though sometimes we just don't have the energy to keep up with him and give in, I know I am shooting myself in the foot here...

It is funny that you mention school. He started in September just gone but any inquiries to the ex about how it is going end in 'grand' and she won't entertain any of our thoughts or suggestions. I wonder how he really is coping in a classroom environment.

It might also be worth noting that any situations where it has just been me and OH son (either with or without my daughter, usually for relatively short periods) he has been quite good. I think he knows that I won't stand for any sh1t, especially in my own home. I think maybe we might need to discuss it and try to be a bit more consistant between myself and OH. I am very conscious of the fact that as much as I try to treat him equally, he is not actually my son. I don't really feel comfortable about deciding how to deal with these things because I don't know if it is always my place.. again my own issue I suppose.

Kidchameleon

Well there's no reason you should be resenting the child, he is acting exactly like any 4 year old would in the situation. One bit of advice I would give is never tell a parent how to raise their child, it can cause the parent to do the exact opposite in spite. Can you imagine if his ex told you what you should and shouldant be doing with your baby?

Morag

Sounds like the kid is pretty spoiled and the mother is the one doing it.His father should be standing up to him and dealing with the tantrums,it is not fair that it is being left for you to do.

I think you are doing the right thing treating the child no differently from your own but it is tricky when you are not his parent. I suggest that you have a long talk with your partner and agree a plan for dealing with this and part of that has to be him backing you
up rather then making you the bad guy.

Yes the child is spoiled from what you have said, some parents are like that and will try and over compensate for the fact that there's not a Dad at home with stuff or it could be that the child is given what ever he wants to just leave the custodial parent alone.

Given that you are trying to include him and are concerned about his behaviour and concentration it seems that you do care about the child, but are in the unfortunate situation where you seem to have little power.

But put a plan in place, you've made room for the child in your life and in your home and he needs to learn that the rules in your house are different. Children can be very quick to adapt. You need to agree these rules with your partner and make them clear and enforce them.

I can understand how having the child and his acting out as he is not getting his own way can be disruptive to your family and your weekend and is causing you stress.
But he's a child who knows no better, it's the mother who should be not spoiling him.

LegacyUser

Bigbagofchips, thanks for your post (I think there was some crossover in reply) it makes a lot of sense. We do need to concentrate more on getting him to understand that we have our rules and they need to be adhered to in our home and when with us regardless of what he may do in his Mam's.

KidChameleon I probably phrased that wrong. I don't resent him, I think I resent the difficulties that the situation has caused more than anything. I am well aware of the fact that he did not make himself this way! He only acts out because he is allowed to and is used to getting his own way when he is with his mam (which is 80% of the week).
Also that is something that I am very aware of - he is not my child and I have no right to say how he should be parented as I am not his parent! But at the same time it is very hard to stand back and see a child that you care about misbehaving and causing problems as a result of overindulgent parenting and to say nothing! I should point out that I have no dealings with the childs mother about any of this, that is left between my OH and his ex as I believe it should be.

Thanks Sharrow. You are right, I don't have a lot of power in this situation and it does frustrate me a lot. To clarify, for the majority of the time it is my OH that deals with the bad behaviour, but I still have to hear it all! If my OH is not in the room for whatever reason I will tell him off myself as I don't think waiting around and then doing it would be as effective? Anyway as I said most of the time I am not dealing with it but it still affects and disrupts the whole household.

Maybe I am coming across a little too tough here, we don't expect perfect behaviour from him, he is a four year old after all. What we do expect is that he will respect the boundries that we set in our home for him and my daughter also. We will have a chat about this and try to be more consistant going forward I think.