Hate being average

LegacyUser

For the first 25 years of my life I thought I had gifts, talents, and a bright future. But recently I've realised that I'm just average, and to be honest, its killing me.

Most people are, by definition, average, so why on earth should that bug me?!

I don't think I need a pep talk. Nor to find that thing that makes me special. I've looked, its not there, I'm just like everyone else.

Part of whats bothering me is probably the let down. I excelled early on at sports, but by the second half of secondary school when everyone else had finished growing I had no competitive edge. My belief that I was smarter than the average bear has not been borne out by academic results. I thought I was on a career path to earn the big bucks; I'm not. Early conquests led me to believe I was a well hung lover who knew what he was doing. Experience has taught me otherwise.

I've nothing special going for me. No interests or hobbies, and no accomplishments to hang my hat on. I feel a mixture of unhappiness, anger, and more and more often, just plain ambivalence and indifference towards everything.

I know this much. I don't feel good about myself, where I am, or where I'm going. What I don't know is what to do about it.

Zen65

Avg Joe wrote: »

I've nothing special going for me.

You have an ambition to be better than average, and that's the only start you need.

Being better than average means (for most people) that you have to work at developing yourself more than an average person does. So fate didn't give you a natural talent at sport, academia, nor at being a lover? That places you very much among the 95% of population for whom that is true.

It's not too late. But you need to ask yourself what it is you want to excel at. Less than 1% of people actually excel at more than one thing, so pick your best talent and work at it.

Whining that it didn't come easy will pull you below average faster than you can say "oh poor me". Get up off your backside and make yourself special.

Be at peace,

Z

desolate sun

OP why do you feel the need to excel at something? Did your parents push you when growing up?
By your reckoning, everybody would have to be excellent at something in order to be validated as human beings.
I am not the best at drawing yet I earn a living from it. I am not the best at writing yet someday I hope people will read my books. I'm not saying I am rubbish at these things, I do think I have some talent, but I know there will always be someone better than me. Always. I try not to think of this though, otherwise I would go mad.

You are being way too hard on yourself. If you got all A's at school, someone else will get A stars. If your team won a cup, another team would win a cup and the league. Stop comparing yourself. It's pointless.

Curry Addict

sounds like you are just maturing as a person. realising we are not so special after all, is a bummer but it gets replaced by a better understanding of whats important and life progresses.

Cuddlesworth

Curry Addict wrote: »

sounds like you are just maturing as a person. realising we are not so special after all, is a bummer but it gets replaced by a better understanding of whats important and life progresses.

You can make yourself special. Its not that hard to excel above the rest. It takes resolve and work. Its a childish concept to believe otherwise.

EGAR

When I was a teenager I thought I would never age and that I would live forever. I also thought I was the bees knees when it came to IQ.

Imagine my shock when the first wrinkles appeared, my IQ diminished to normal depth literally over night and I realised with the first twinge of a sore back that death may well be inevitable in the future.

So what..? It comes to us all. BUT if I die there will be people who will grief for me and there will be people who will miss me. And THAT make me special and above average.

And no one can convince me otherwise :cool:.

LegacyUser

I think what you're missing here is that being something more than average takes a lot of work. Most of us have some sort of talent, something we're better at than everyone else. But if you want to put those talents to good use and excel at something then you've got to work really hard at it.

Having talent doesn't mean success comes easily, you've got to make the success yourself. It's where the saying 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration comes from Most of us are just not bothered with the hard work and commitment that success involves, we're happier to settle into an easier way of living that's less taxing.

If you read about the people who you admire perhaps you will find out how they ended up successful. I bet you'll find that they had an initial talent that they then worked on tirelessly to get to where they are!

There's a book by Seth Godin called The Dip that describes what you went through quite well. He writes about an inital period of success where you discover you're good at something and things seem to be going really well, but sooner or later you'll hit the dip where you have the choice to work harder to achieve your goals or give up on your plans. Most of us give up at some point before the dip can start to turn into a rise again.

As another poster said, it's not too late for you to make something of yourself, but only if you're prepared to put in hard work and big effort. If you're not willing to do that then that's ok, but you need to come to terms and be at peace with that decision, rather than allowing yourself to feel like a failure and sabotaging your happiness.

As for not knowing where you're going right now, or what your passions are, you'll have to reach out to find that stuff, explore life and living and see what makes you tick. Similar to success, these things wont just come to you, you've got to get out into the world and figure it and yourself out (if that makes sense!).

I came across an interesting link lately that might help you start:

http://unicornsforsocialism.com/2011/12/18/7-questions-to-ask-when-youre-not-sure-who-youre-becoming/

Maybe you'll think it's silly, but it can't hurt to try

CrazySka

Great post from Zen65, sums it up really.

What gifts did you have when you were younger? If you no longer have these then it would stand to reeason that you did not develop them or stopped working on them, can you start working on them again?

Just keep in mind that for the people who appear to do things effortlessly this was created by spending many hours of training/practise/study.

Hard work=results.

nyarlothothep

You can have people that learn things very quickly and become amazing at whatever they turn their hand to but never come up with a great innovation or creative thought. Not downgrading their amazing talent but just saying that people have different abilities and it actually doesn't matter if you're not the best in terms of technique at something, being the best at something isn't necessarily the end result, pushing forward the discipline whatever it is can be done by people who aren't the best at it, music/art/science are examples.

FlashD

Many people on this planet have talents and gifts, the problem for many is they are not ambitious enough to work hard and dedicate themselves.

You could have two individuals, one is incredibly gifted and another who is average, yet the average individual puts in 5-10 times more work and effort. You can be quaranteed over a longer period of time that the average individual will have more success.

These results may not be seen instantly, sometimes it can take a decade or more to realise one's dream. That is what dedication and ambition are, more important than any set of gifted talents.

One last note, if you think you are working hard, you can always be sure that there is someoneone else working twice that to be more successful then you. That is what it takes.

cafecolour

Honestly, it's a pretty normal part of growing up these days. It's all about self-esteem boosting from parents and the sort growing up these days, and then at some point you realize that you're not quite as awesome as in your parent's eyes, and overcompensate the other way - think you suck at everything.

As said above, work at it if you really want to be exceptional. It's said that it takes 10000 hours of concerted practice to become a master at something.

I read a study that basically said, when raising kids, never tell them 'Oh good job, you're so smart!" or the like - say "Oh good job, you put in a lot effort/work!". I.e. praise the effort not the 'innate' talent. Exactly because of this.

Scanlas The 2nd

cafecolour wrote: »

Honestly, it's a pretty normal part of growing up these days. It's all about self-esteem boosting from parents and the sort growing up these days, and then at some point you realize that you're not quite as awesome as in your parent's eyes, and overcompensate the other way - think you suck at everything.

As said above, work at it if you really want to be exceptional. It's said that it takes 10000 hours of concerted practice to become a master at something.

I read a study that basically said, when raising kids, never tell them 'Oh good job, you're so smart!" or the like - say "Oh good job, you put in a lot effort/work!". I.e. praise the effort not the 'innate' talent. Exactly because of this.

I read something about that too, it builds up an ego in the child which creates insecurity and being afraid to take risks in case the results don't validate their ego.

p

Apparently, when people believe they are smart, or talented in something, they often stop working at it for fear of failure. They expect things to come easily because they are 'talented' after all and get frustrated when things aren't as easy as they expect. As others said, maybe you need to learn to work harder and focus on a particular thing that makes you happy.

This book is good about the myth of talent and how your mindset changes you potential for success.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=bounce&x=0&y=0

Edited to add: The point made in the above two posts about 10000 hours and praising effort not 'talent' is covered in that book quite extensively. Well worth reading.

wylo

I used be the exact same, i deluded myself into thinking I was better than most as a younger person, it carried on into my 20s.


For the same reasons as the OP too, but all I was doing was nurturing my ego.

OP, news flash, you're looking for an ego boost, any truly confident person actually does not consider themselves above anyone else. They respect others as much as they do themselves.

Be careful, you're just unhappy and using your averageness as an outlet.

I can promise you, as someone who knows exactly where you're coming from, it is FAAAR more satisfying coming to terms with your own averageness than fighting it.

And ironically when you do that you begin to be productive again.

Mzzz.use421

I think its very nice that you might have a realistic sense of who or what you are and what you are uncomfortable with. Its good to be a realist and aware of who you are and are not. Being comfortable and accepting of your mediocrity sets you far above average from the people i rub elbows with.
If being average doesnt sit well with you, guess what tomorrow you can wake up and try and do things a little better than the day before.

AVERAGE ROCKS!!!

theg81der

cafecolour wrote: »

Honestly, it's a pretty normal part of growing up these days. It's all about self-esteem boosting from parents and the sort growing up these days, and then at some point you realize that you're not quite as awesome as in your parent's eyes, and overcompensate the other way - think you suck at everything.

As said above, work at it if you really want to be exceptional. It's said that it takes 10000 hours of concerted practice to become a master at something.

I read a study that basically said, when raising kids, never tell them 'Oh good job, you're so smart!" or the like - say "Oh good job, you put in a lot effort/work!". I.e. praise the effort not the 'innate' talent. Exactly because of this.

This was exactly what I was going to say. I`ve figured this out lately as I`m pregnant and don`t want to repeat history by parenting badly. I was well above average as a child, years ahead of my piers, and I was praised for natural ability as opposed to work as a result if something was difficult or challenging later on I had made the connection that I did not have the ability instead of I had not done enough work. So natural ability is only useful if the nuture element is done correctly otherwise it is nothing. You may very well have an above average IQ still if you did as a child but without the correct hardwiring its meaningless.

Change you hardwiring......not easy but doable? Well lets hope so!

saa

theg81der wrote: »

don`t want to repeat history by parenting badly. I was well above average as a child, years ahead of my piers, and I was praised for natural ability as opposed to work as a result if something was difficult or challenging later on I had made the connection that I did not have the ability instead of I had not done enough work. So natural ability is only useful if the nuture element is done correctly otherwise it is nothing. You may very well have an above average IQ still if you did as a child but without the correct hardwiring its meaningless.

Change you hardwiring......not easy but doable? Well lets hope so!

I had obvious strengths and abilities as a child above others so once I was told that I never "had" to work hard (maybe if I have I might not be average) but I also had (unknown til college) dyslexia so I achieved at debating, course work that involved critical thinking, visual art, business studies, theory but of course in school I was barely passing at the things that matter the three R's and Irish! so I was told I had to try harder so much I gave up because I knew it wasn't possible.

I drifted through the leaving cert but got to study art, but I'll "make it" because I'm somehow above everyone else who thinks they can make it,
I thought I'd just have a great career when I was younger, financially comfortable, hopeful, be really hot , get to travel, party, have lots of friends.

I might not have THE career, I might marry have children and stay here, I might not get to fulfil my dreams but of course I though I was different, I would but as much as I'm scared of my life being average I'm kind of excited by it.

But still there is something that makes me believe that I will bring up my children to be different and they won't succeed but I'm sure its not that great at the top. As long as im not a crap parent I've succeeded in life.

santana75

I understand where you're coming from OP, but I think its a good thing you're facing reality. If you were in denial thinking you were this great person when you're really not, then you'd be in trouble. If you're aware of your shortcomings you can work on them, you can make yourself better than average. Its hard work sure enough and not everybody will face themselves in this way. 90% of the time people will not criticize themselves, they wont face up to where they're falling short. Its not about beating yourself up, its about being fair and calling a spade a spade.
This notion that people are born brilliant is a myth. Have you read "Bounce: How champions are made" This is a study of excellence not just in the field of sport. Its about how above average performers are completely manufactured, the romantic notion of natural gifts being bestowed on the lucky few is debunked. Theres a great movie about this very subject, "Miracle" Its about the 1980 American hockey team that took on the seemingly unbeatable Russian team. Their coach(Herb Brooks) talks about how "ordinary men" go nowhere, they do nothing remarkable with their lives, so he needed his players to be abandon any notions of just being good enough to get by, they needed to draw out of themselves another level thats there if you choose to access it.
Its a choice OP, you can passively allow yourself to be another also ran or you can get to work and become exceptional at something you're passionate about.

LegacyUser

FlashD wrote: »

Many people on this planet have talents and gifts, the problem for many is they are not ambitious enough to work hard and dedicate themselves.

You could have two individuals, one is incredibly gifted and another who is average, yet the average individual puts in 5-10 times more work and effort. You can be quaranteed over a longer period of time that the average individual will have more success.

These results may not be seen instantly, sometimes it can take a decade or more to realise one's dream. That is what dedication and ambition are, more important than any set of gifted talents.

One last note, if you think you are working hard, you can always be sure that there is someoneone else working twice that to be more successful then you. That is what it takes.

you could have ten excellent singers and nine of them never make it past singing in the local bar , why ? , because they were not in the right place at the right time when someone with power saw them

luck is every bit as important as hard work when it comes to success

LegacyUser

santana75 wrote: »

I understand where you're coming from OP, but I think its a good thing you're facing reality. If you were in denial thinking you were this great person when you're really not, then you'd be in trouble. If you're aware of your shortcomings you can work on them, you can make yourself better than average. Its hard work sure enough and not everybody will face themselves in this way. 90% of the time people will not criticize themselves, they wont face up to where they're falling short. Its not about beating yourself up, its about being fair and calling a spade a spade.
This notion that people are born brilliant is a myth. Have you read "Bounce: How champions are made" This is a study of excellence not just in the field of sport. Its about how above average performers are completely manufactured, the romantic notion of natural gifts being bestowed on the lucky few is debunked. Theres a great movie about this very subject, "Miracle" Its about the 1980 American hockey team that took on the seemingly unbeatable Russian team. Their coach(Herb Brooks) talks about how "ordinary men" go nowhere, they do nothing remarkable with their lives, so he needed his players to be abandon any notions of just being good enough to get by, they needed to draw out of themselves another level thats there if you choose to access it.
Its a choice OP, you can passively allow yourself to be another also ran or you can get to work and become exceptional at something you're passionate about.

having a high opinion of yourself ( large ego ) is an integral part of achieving success out of the ordinary , while most people dislike people who have a high opinion of themselves , without a certain arrogance , you will never believe you are deserving of great success , thier are tonnes of people who are every bit as talented as those who achieve in business , politics , sport ,entertainment etc but are too humble to dare to rise above the ordinary and choose to keep the head down , im not encouraging delusion but the arrogance of youth only lasts untill your about 25 and its priceless , dont sell yourself short while your young and dont listen to those who try and cut you down to size , they do it out of small minded jealousy rather than any genuine concern