Help with elderly alcoholic father

Katiecoen

Help with elderly alcoholic father
My mother was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. My father is not coping with the idea at all and is now refusing to get up or eat, drinking a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of brandy every week, being abusive to my mother and also to me when I try to talk to him about his drinking, his diet or my mother's diagnosis.

Where can i access help? He is never going to admit that he has a problem or willingly seek treatment. He will get up and drive to town when he needs more booze, other than that he lies in bed all day or sits looking at tv.
Last edited by Katiecoen; Today at 10:55.

yermandan

Hi Katie,

So sorry to hear about your situation. Go to this website

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

and find where your local meeting is. They will offer you advice and support.

Best of luck with everything

Katiecoen

There is no-one but me, I have one sibling who is in Australia and quite happy to leave it all to me, no-one else

Katiecoen

When he was younger he hardly drank at all, in the last couple of years he has been drinking more, probably to cope with the pain of arthritis. Now its got to the point where he is clearly depressed and of course the alcohol is making it worse.

He wont see a doctor, wont even take the meds for his cardiac problems which were prescribed in the past and which I pick up for him.

He wont listen to reason of any kind, yesterday I was called a "thundering bitch" for refusing to buy him alcohol.

Katiecoen

Oh, I'm more than used to that sort of language, he was always verbally abusive.

What I need is someone to tell me what can actually be done, as opposed to offering me words of comfort, they are useless (no offence or anything, I do appreciate your kindness)

username123

OP I replied on your other version of this thread, Ill just copy it to here in case one version is closed:

Hi, the sorry truth is that you cant help an alcoholic. They have to want to help themselves. There are things you can do to assist the situation and your role in it. You could go to Alanon for support and to learn how not to enable the situation or inflame it even further. Another option is to gather up other concerned people (siblings, aunts, uncles etc..) and try an intervention with your father - where the people involved speak to him honestly and explain the effect his drinking is having on them and offer him support if he tries to get off the drink. Unfortunately this doesnt work a lot of the time, but it could be worth trying.

You dont give a lot of detail in your post as to how extensive your fathers drinking was before he found out about your mothers diagnosis, but is it possible that this is just a reaction to the shock of it? If thats the case then maybe an offer of support and maybe counselling for him to come to terms with it will help? Was he drinking alcoholically prior to this? Has he seen a doctor himself regarding not eating etc...?

Katiecoen

Both of my parents are in their 80s, and the last survivors in their respective families, there is NO family support I can call on. My father has been steadily increasing his drinking for the last couple of years, will not see a doctor for anything (didnt attend his last check-up for which he was called a few months ago), wont eat anything but toast, is getting his calorie requirement from alcohol and probably at this stage suffering alcohol related brain damage/dementia.

He was always abusive and stubborn. He absolutely refuses to accept my mother's diagnosis ("Alzheimers is bullsh*t") and berates and abuses her for mislaying stuff, and forgetting things - which is increasing her distress. He lies in bed and when I arrive says things like "she didnt even bring me a cup of tea". My mother has a physical disability and needs help dressing, he wont even do that.

Katiecoen

I am only too well aware that you cannot help an alcoholic, I left my husband because he refused to accept that he had an alcohol problem.

Its really not possible here to get across what my father is like. He was irrational, bullying and controlling before he ever started drinking.

Katiecoen

Anyway, you're probably right, Al-Anon is my only hope.

Thanks to everyone who posted

LovelyLottie

Katiecoen, is there any help the Alzheimer's society could offer you? Maybe with providing support to your mum and you? Any respite care they can offer your mum to alleviate the pressure on you?

Your mum and you are the priority, in my opinion. I know he's your father, and elderly, so obviously you don't want to neglect him, but focus on what you can do for your mum. That's what i'd do. But again, easy for me to say that as i'm not in your position.

I don't see how you can solve your dad's alcoholism for him. It is worth contacting AlAnon re him. Talk to your GP and see can he/she recommend any support for your family. Talk to a professional who can help you access services to support you and your mum, and your dad if he's willing.

snor

I know how hard it is Katie - I was married to someone like your dad!
A good point of contact would be your public health nurse. The local health centre will be able to give you the name of the person that covers your mums area. She/he will be able to look into options for you re: homehelp for your mum, perhaps a day care centre for her to go to a copule of afternoons a week, practical assistance etc even alternative accomodation if that is relevant. You can meet with her/him and your mum and explain the situation at home. They are usually a great source of information. Best of luck.

Izzy j

Hi Katie, cannot believe your situation is so similar to mine. I'm the only child, also seperated and other family,aunts etc are also elderly, and live far away so no help with elderly father who is depressed and continually drinks whiskey even when told by his dr that it's dangerous when on warfarin! Mother has had mental health issues for years, now has dementia and failing kidneys. Eventually following several hospital stays I got my mother into a lovely nursing home, she simply could not manage at home any longer trying to cope with my father drinking, ranting at her that she was mad etc ,staying in bed all morning, etc so I explained to dr in the hosp and gp ,and social worker that she could not be cared for at home as he wasn't capable, and I could not be there day and night. She has settled so well in the nursing home, has friends, loves the music and dancing and never asked to go home. Father agreed to all this initially cos he was relieved to have her off his hands, then started ranting that he wanted her home but no one was going to agree to that. So it's a huge relief to me that she's well cared for. He still solves his problems with drink but I don't even discuss his drinking with him any more. I only get abuse if I say anything. So now I just tell myself that he's a big boy now and responsible for himself. Of course I still get the job of bringing him to a&e when he's overdone it but I just do what's nessisary and this semi tough love approach seems to make him a little more appreciative , remember he needs u more than you need him. You are not alone dealing with this cr@p. step back and be carefully of your own health, you get no thanks for making yourself I'll. Take care

Taltos

Hi Katie

please contact Al-anon.
The above posters are really spot on here - there is nothing at all you can do to get your father to choose to stop drinking. All you can do is learn how to cope yourself.

My family and I went though something similar over a decade ago - and I believe things have changed with the medical profession so you may not be able to go this route.
I won't go into the details of the why here - but myself and two of my sisters approached our mother's GP with a list of events and our concerns and requested that she section our mother for her own protection.
We then the following day brought our mum into her GP and let the bomb drop - either she admit there that she had a problem and sought help or we were getting her sectioned for her own protection. I'll be honest - this only worked for us as our mum has a phobia about ending up in a facility against her own will.

Also - while it has worked for the moment and I would do anything for my mother - I myself know that the day she picks up a bottle again is the day that I have to sever all contact for my own wellbeing. Personally I cannot go through all of that crap again, I'm not strong enough and I know this time my marriage would be destroyed too by my reaction.

So - maybe talk to his GP - see if something similar can be arranged. As I said I think the rules and sectioning have changed since we looked into it. However, if your GP rules this route out - then maybe consider having to step away from this mess as much as it hurts you. Either way - talk to a professional group that can help you deal with this, it is all too easy to feel responsible and to let this type of situation define who you are and destroy your future happiness.

sam34

there is a new mental health act in place since nov 2006 and under it you cannot section/detain someone for treatment of an alcohol or drug problem.

Walls

Your Dad is outside your control, but you can help your Mum. Go to her doctor and explain that there is so far no help happening at home. Your Mum will need a medical card, visits from a public nurse, assistance with food and medicine, access to assistance in washing, etc. It will also be a good idea to contact http://www.alzheimer.ie/ and see if they can be of assistance. They were a support for my Dad when my Mum got ill.

Your Dad is a problem, but one of the things that needs to happen here is that his verbal abuse of your mother is kept to a minimum for everyone's sake. Decide for yourself how much of your father's behaviour you should share with your GP, but it does seem that he is not coping in even the most rudimentary way.

How are you? You're coping with a lot yourself. You alright?

LegacyUser

I would immediatly look up your local Adult Protective Agency number (APS) and call and report your father. If your mother has a physical disability that he is ignoring, she is protected as a vulnerable adult and has rights. call APS immediatly.