Why can't I stop thinking about this...

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Long story short, I'm in a bit of a rut and I think I need outside advice on how to get out of said rut.

I have a friend, and ever since we where teenagers, when both single we would rendevous in an intimate way - sometimes briefly, sometimes less briefly, but never in full relationship mode. When either situation changed, we would revert back to being just friends and while the old addage about someone always getting hurt in friends with benefits situations rings somewhat true at times, we where generally honest with each other and therefore it never ended up a big deal long term and our friendship has persevered for the best part of a decade.

The last such rendevous took place earlier this year and lasted about a month and a half to two months. We got along very well at this point, and although we enjoyed each others company, we lived in seperate cities and both worked so it was difficult to see each other enough to justify trying to make the nature of the relationship something it wasn't - even though I now recognize that I think I secretly hoped it would develop that way (I don't think I recognized this until immediately following its conclusion), at least in the short term (she was emigrating later in the year, so anything that wasn't a long distance relationship would have been out in the long term at any rate).

Things where fine until one morning I find a text on my phone from her, stating that we had agreed from the outset to be honest with each other (which we did). She had met another man (we where not exclusive at the time, it's worth pointing out), who she was truly, painfully head over heels about. She said that giving a relationship a go with him had been put on the table, and that she couldn't pretend not to want to try it. She also admitted that she cared deeply about me (we where for good reasons like her impending emigration vaguely soon, labouring under the ground-rule that we weren't going to bring complex feelings into what we where doing - something it seems we both failed at at the time), but that a relationship wouldn't have worked between us in the circumstances we where in.

I was more upset about it than I thought I'd be, but intellectually at least I understood what she was trying to put forward, and accepted it. A chance at happiness had come her way, I had no right to attempt to stand in the way of that over something I was not in a position to provide, not if I had any right to still call myself her friend at least. So I texted back that there was no harm done, and that I hoped the new BF understood how lucky he was, and assured her that it didn't affect our friendship etc. In truth I was unexpectedly devestated but that was something for me alone to deal with and get over.

Fast forward several months - while I don't get myself involved in any other romantic entangelments I keep myself busy and I'm over it. While it's difficult for her to only see the BF intermittantly when she gets home from where she now lives, she is by all accounts mad about this guy and he about her - and for that I am happy for them. I check my FB feed at the start of the week to find that they have announced their engagement.

Let me insert a disclaimer: I am genuinely happy for them. She has clearly found the love of her life in this man, and if I had to lose her to anyone you can't do much better than that - I wish them all the best together and I mean that truly. It's still clearly released some very complex emotions that I haven't even began to deal with nor even able to articulate in any real way, and the outward sympthoms have been sleeplessness, anxiety, and an inability to get it out of my head. I've tried ploughing through with work to keep busy and distract myself and various other measures but it's not working. What is going on with me? I would dearly like not to feel like this anymore.

Thanks for reading anyway, sometimes it helps to even get things out on paper (or in this case, on boards). I realize I probably come across to anyone reading this as a complete lunatic, but all comments welcome nonetheless!

ash23

She was your backup plan. Your fall back. Your gap filler.

You've never had to do the whole "being single" thing because she was always there. Now she's not available and it's forcing you to realise that you are in fact single. It is like a breakup in a way because she was your safety net from ever being alone and now she's gone.

LegacyUser

ash23 wrote: »

She was your backup plan. Your fall back. Your gap filler.

You've never had to do the whole "being single" thing because she was always there. Now she's not available and it's forcing you to realise that you are in fact single. It is like a breakup in a way because she was your safety net from ever being alone and now she's gone.

Well it was really the other way around - she was more often inlolved with people romantically than me. Still you may have a point...

At the same time, I have so far realised that my issue isn't about her but about me. All I want to do is get these feelings to go away. My friends have told me to contact her - this seems like the most idiotic thing in the world to do; she's engaged and whatever I feel about her or it needn't come into it from her perspective.

I suppose what I'm looking for here is advice - this issue is making my life hell and intellectually at least I don't know why, and to be honest I have no justification to feel wronged by this...

OP