is she sending mixed signals, or just confused?

LegacyUser

Hi there

I've been friends with this girl for a while - I thought thats all, friends and no more. But recently, she has been making noises about something more, telling me to get a girlfriend, and that she is looking for a boyfriend, took me out and bought me a lunch, ocasional touching and so on - basically showing me she is interested. She is hot, and she is foreign, and I am interested in her as more than friends now that she has mooted the issue. So we go out and live happily ever after, right? -Wrong.

And this is the weird part. She ignores texts, hangs up when i ring her, and seems to be nearly impossible to nail down for a drink or any activity other than the occasional (and increasingly tiresome) lunch. I have mentioned that I may be heading over seas next year, depending on job situation here, and I wonder has that somehow scuppered her notions of some long term relationship. Is she playing me? Is she holding me in reserve as a possible boyfriend while she ****s around with other guys or until i am more solidly rooted in the country? Or is this a cultural clash type situation? I dont think she can be left in any doubt of my intentions, and it would be hard to pursue more aggressively without seeming either needy or harrasing.

To be honest, this whole situation does not bother me that much, I am keen, yes, but there is plenty going on in my life that i am not obsessed over this. Its just that I dont want to miss out on an opportunity, I am just not sure that opportunity has really existed.

Maybe friends never should be any more, as once the genie is out of the bottle, it will never go back in, and things can never be the same.

As ever, Boards, I bow before your advice.

LegacyUser

You dont say if you actually told her your interested in being more than friends. As I read it she was hinting that she was interested but it doesn't say whether you responded to that. So assuming she came on to you and got nothing to indicate you were interested, my guess would be that she fancies you, basically made as much clear to you, felt rejected when she got no coherent responce and is now unsure how to be friends again. The ringing and handing up is a bit juvenile but maybe she likes your company, would like to be friends again but is embarrassed that you didnt take the hint and ask her out.

LegacyUser

I think you are reading too much into things OP.

Her behaviour in the opening paragraph are friendly gestures and nothing more. Just because she is looking for a boyfriend doesn't mean she wants you to be her boyfriend, and likewise if she hinted for you to get a girlfriend it doesn't mean she wants to be your girlfriend. Taking a friend out to lunch does not equal love or more or that she wants a relationship to start up.

As for the contact, I myself am pure feckless when it comes to contact and doesn't mean anything but fecklessness on my behalf. I think you are reading too much into things here too. She could be doing a million and one things and is simply busy and unable to drop things to reply or she could be too tired. I think you are reading too much into things here too.

You've built up in her head that she wants more with you and have therefore taken an interest in her for more than just friendship and now reckon that she must drop everything for you when you contact on her.

LovelyLottie

OP, you sound like a nice guy who is being used to bolster this girl's ego, when she feels like it.

There could be umpteen reasons why she is acting like this - most of them selfish and probably stemming from her need for attention. She's not thinking about your feelings, how her behaviour might come across to you or putting herself in your position, i.e. lack of empathy - run a mile man!!!

When i was a lot younger (like 18 young), i'm ashamed to say that i acted along these lines a few times. Using someone who i knew liked me to make myself feel better. Now, i never hung up on anyone or ignored texts - cos we didn't have mobile phones then!

If you look at her actions on the whole - i'm afraid she doesn't want you to be her boyfriend. She might like the attention at times, but doesn't want what you want. Cut her loose and find someone who deserves your nice lunches

LegacyUser

I am a nice guy, but a nice guy who does not care too much for being messed around. What does that make me?

She asked me to a party which i could not make due to other commitments during the Christmas period, and I have asked her out twice, so i think we all know where we stand.

The thing is, i have plenty of other women in my life, she knows this, so I don't know why she is playing hard to get. It makes no sense. That said, for the sake of my dignity I will meet her no more unless things are going to develop. As was said she knows where I am if she wants me. I am not going to be a Friend zone Phil or an emotional Tampon to anyone

wivy

agree with lovelylottie above... sounds like shes game playing to suit herself and her need for attention when she wants it.. cut her loose.. you can do better! best of luck op

G-Money

Sounds like she's stringing you along, whether it's intentional or not is another matter.

I'd leave her be and move on with your life. I'm betting once you stop contacting her, after a week or two she's suddenly start contacting you. If she does, just play it cool, be friendly and polite but uninterested. Unfortunately I think this girl has zero interest in you as more than a friend/someone to boost her ego until another guy shows up.

Don't waste anymore of your time, be friendly, but put all thoughts of anything happening out of your head and move on. Also, don't be a doormat and I'd go as far as to ignore her a bit and reject any offers to meet up for a while until you get your head straight. Just say you have other plans, even if you don't.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

an update:

2 days ago she suggested we meet today, but this morning i got a text saying she was sorry but she could not meet as planned. No reason given. I have not replied or pushed for another meeting, but I really wonder what is going through this girls head.

This going to get more strange before it makes any sense.

I am a friend

Ah she a messer and a rude one at that.... I would let her off and stop feeding her ego. If she wants you she knows where you are.

LovelyLottie

This behaviour demonstrates who she is and how she treats others. It won't change. If you're on for being her fall-back option and are ok with being cancelled on at a few hours' notice, keep in touch with her. If not, move on!

G-Money

I'd go one better. Delete her number and her contact details. Problem sorted. I don't think it would be any great loss if you cut this girl out of your life. There's a chance she'd make a big deal out of it, perhaps turn on the tears and make you feel like you are doing something wrong, but you really aren't.

It's an option anyway.