More family issues...

LegacyUser

I have had a constant fear of rejection since the day I was born. So much so, that I push everyone away and had a dreadful Xmas.
My mother was sick when I was born and so I spent the first year of my life in foster care. I only found this out in the past 12 months, but it explained so much to me about my difficult relationship with my mother, and my constant running after my family to 'love' me or pay me some sort of attention. I am female and in my late 30s with a young child and am heartily sick of feeling this way. Even still, I find myself 'running after' my family, who make it very obvious they don't welcome me when I knock on their door (they don't speak to each other either, so its not like they are excluding me specifically, they exclude each other also). This christmas, I bought some of them the most gorgeous presents and put so much thought into them - as I always do - and once again, one brother rang me early Xmas morning to say not to drop in, as they would be out, another family member gave my child a 5euro voucher for the cinema and so on.
Now I'm not one that's bothered by material posessions and I know it's the thought that counts, but they put no thought whatsoever in that present for him as far as I'm concerend. I don't know why I put myself through this.

Every christmas (particularly) I swear I am not going to run after them and crave their affection or attention anymore, but once again, it has upset me so much that they don't actually give a cr&p about me or my daughter. On the other hand, I have amazing friends, and my in-laws treat me like I'm their own..and yet I still crave the attention of these awful people who I call my 'family'...and feel so dejected

How can I ever shake this feeling - and stop wanting my familys attention (my parents are now dead) - I've been to counselling and thought I had it all sorted, but was in tears again last night over it all.
If anyone has been through this, I'd love some advice, thank you.

Kadent

I was very much like you for a long time and although it has taken a while I made the decision to leave them to their own devices this year and spend Christmas on my own. It really has been the best Christmas I can remember. There were no arguments, no presents given or received, no feeling obligated to pretend I'm happy, no returning home feeling deflated, just peace and quiet and the best part was I did it all for me. It did hurt a little bit, it's not an easy thing to walk away from your family and I know they never knew how I felt but the day's of kissing ar$e are over and I really feel (at the late great age of 36) that my life has only just begun so the pain was worth it.

LegacyUser

Thank you Kaden. How did you just make the decision and stick with it though? Thats my biggest problem - I decide Im not going to let them drag me down again, but they ineveitably do.

Zen65

unregistered wrote: »

I don't know why I put myself through this.

It seems from your post that you already know that it is you that is putting yourself through this, not your family. Some people feel the need for more open demonstrations of love and affection from their family, others are happy just knowing that the love is there, and do not need to see it manifest in a physical way. Perhaps you are correct that in your first year of life when you were being minded by somebody who was not your mother you did not receive enough emotional comfort. Perhaps it is simply in your genes. This is all guesswork.

Perhaps there is more going on in your situation than I could see in your OP? You don't mention a partner, is there one? Is there room in your life for one?

You mentioned how much effort you put into your presents that you gave. That's a remarkable thing to do, and is certainly the action of somebody who cares a great deal about the receiver of the gift. But not all people feel this way about gifts, especially those who have large families, or little money, or little free time. For many people buying Christmas presents is a chore to be completed as quickly as possible, and perhaps for as little cost as possible because it's a straight choice between presents, food, or heat. A lack of love is not the issue for such people.

"But my family are not short of money" (you didn't say this, but I'm guessing you may think is).

You cannot be sure. I know people who are up to their tonsils in debt, but they still appear to be living very comfortably because it is expected of them and they do not wish to appear less well-off. There is a new breed of middle-class-poor who are too proud to seek financial help, but are in financial crisis.

Leave that aside for now... after all it's just conjecture. I did not read anything in your post which (objectively) seemed to suggest your siblings don't love you. Of course, you may simply have not related such stories, but my advice is based on what I've read, and what I've read (so far) is that you have issues with not receiving overt expressions of love from your siblings. Yet you also know that it's not about their feelings for you, because they behave towards each other the same way.

The solution, I will propose, is to accept that people are the way they are. Some have the ability and time to express their love towards their family, others do not. You cannot change how others behave, you can only change yourself. Continue to express your love as you have done, but temper your expectations. Know that they, like anyone else, genuinely do appreciate the love you give, but they may not have the wherewithal to return the expression. Pay particular attention to the love between you and your daughter; this is the most important love in your life right now.

Love is unlike other commodities. Love in all its forms benefits the giver as well as the receiver. The love shared between your daughter and yourself will be returned to you with interest as the years go by. Do be careful not to smother her with that love of course, because like anything else love can be mis-used.

The love between siblings is important, but it should not consume your thoughts the way it currently does. Learn to accept it the way it is, and look for evidence of its presence rather than constantly seek evidence of its absence.

Be at peace,

Z

Kadent

unregistered wrote: »

Thank you Kaden. How did you just make the decision and stick with it though? Thats my biggest problem - I decide Im not going to let them drag me down again, but they ineveitably do.

It's been progressing slowly over a few years. I've always been a people pleaser and a couple of years ago I started to become more aware of the fact so I started being more selfish and began putting my own needs first.
I now it sounds a bit harsh but I just stopped saying yes all the time (with everyone) even when it was difficult to do and began putting myself first. Being a yes person has the added affect of draining you of your self esteem and the more I regained it the easier it became to let those needs go. I no longer feel I need their approval to have some kind of satisfying life. In fact it's kind of liberating.


(I suppose I lost respect for them somewhere along the way and ultimately that was what motivated me)