Forgiveness

LegacyUser

Hello,

My girlfriend of a few months and I broke up a little over a month ago. Her reason for initiating this has become brutally clear to me over the last number of days.

Over the course of the relationship, I had a habit of checking the Facebook profile of a woman I was previously in a relationship with. Without going into unnecessary detail, that relationship was a farce and certainly unhealthy. I was treated very badly and so its history now. Regardless, this habit of checking her Facebook was on-going from start, to finish and on into when I met this beautiful girl a few months ago - I never ceased looking.

I harbour no feelings for what was in the past except embarrassment for having allowed my self-respect to evaporate. Why though, I continued to check her profile is beyond me.

My girlfriend became aware of this and obviously felt cheated on. The guilt and shame has brought me to an all time low, as if things aren't low enough. When I put myself into her shoes I feel physically sick, exactly how she described her feelings at the time.

She did give it a try, over about a month I think, but could never put the memory out of her head. She would often be depressed for apparently no reason but I would later learn it was for what I did/was doing. She stated that she felt second best, which is heart breaking for me, and obviously her too.

The initial reaction was for her to breakup, and that was a very sad couple of days. We met up, cried and held each other and promised to make things right. I was very apologetic and really, afterwards I thought all of it had made us stronger and closer.

Fast forward a couple of weeks or more, she was crying over the phone and eventually broke up with me. I got a strong feeling this was final. She wouldn't meet me because she said it would hurt us both. Thats why I thought - this is final.

Since then, I have been in a very deep depression, something thats always simmering anyway. I have been through countless emotions of guilt, anger, resentment, sadness, shame and so on. I tried to ring her last week and she didn't answer and blocked my number it would seem. I then sent two emails, in some crazy, demented objective of 'getting closure'. How I regret sending them now.

The content of those emails was my summary of the relationship with bits of resentment throughout. You would think by reading the second one, I was the one that was wronged. I resented the fact that she broke up with me more than once, and then finally wouldn't meet me in person for the final break. Who the **** am I to complain about that?

At the end of the day, I now clearly see why it ended. I steamrolled her trust in me. I am not trying to make excuses, but I don't know why I was checking that Facebook profile, but it meant nothing, for me and seemed less significant than I thought. Yes, I didn't physically cheat, probably not even emotionally, but I'm sure readers can see the issue, I do.

I also realise now that I couldn't be clear cut in various things as I should have. I have serious insecurities about a lot of things and it was always playing on me. But of course, my dealing with that would have impacted on the relationship too. There is an age gap of seven years, which was never apparently an issue, but as for now, possibly.

I am totally heartbroken. I have lost the girl which observers have said is the right person for me. I have taken her for granted without realising it. I truly love and adore this girl. The little things which one would otherwise overlook, I love about her. We spent really good times together and I felt so close to her through those times. I would do absolutely anything for her and I did my best to communicate that when I was with her. I feel like I have thrown away the best thing that has ever happened to me and I feel that I will never truly forget and forgive myself for. I broke her little heart and I just don't know what to do.

I think I have said too much now to even try to convey my remorse and ask for forgiveness. If all I could do was make her know I understand how she feels, it would be something. The way my life has been going with her for the past few months has been turned inside out and ripped apart. I am in a very, very bad place which I know is natural.

But it is my fault. I caused this to happen.

What should I do? I am considering going to her house but I do not want to force myself on her or come across as a lunatic as am sure I did in the emails I sent, and the texts I sent to let her know I emailed her. This girl is worth fighting for, and if it means two months or more of heartbreak for me, I don't care.

Thanks for reading.

cafecolour

Honestly, it just sounds like you're repeating the exact same mistake - becoming obsessed with an ex after the break-up again. It's over and done.

Delete her from facebook, delete her number, delete her email, don't think about her, don't contact her, and move on, so that the next girl you meet doesn't wonder why you keep looking at this girl's page on facebook.

Zen65

kauto_star1 wrote: »

I am considering going to her house but I do not want to force myself on her or come across as a lunatic as am sure I did in the emails I sent, and the texts I sent to let her know I emailed her.

Op, do not go to her house, you will appear to be a lunatic if you do.

She got your texts & e-mails. She didn't want to answer your call, or in any event she did not call you back. There really is nothing you can do that will re-start the relationship. It is over.

Don't now make the same mistake you have already made once. Delete her from your FB, don't call, text, e-mail or make contact in any way. It is over, move on.

Before you rush into another relationship take some time to get yourself into a more stable frame of mind. Take up a hobby, a sport, join a group or do something that occupies a portion of your thinking time; you spend far too much time "analysing" your life without seeing a proper context. Become interested in things other than relationships, and your future relationships will be more interesting!

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Take it from someone who has been where you are recently...Albeit different circumstances...

Stop right now, think, tell all of this to a good friend, who will be honest with you...Delete her number, facebook page, everything, concentrate on work, exercise, anything positive in your life, its not too late for you to get her back , it may happen, but contacting her won't do it for you...You have to let go, at the moment you're in the best position you will be in, it may not feel like that but its true...Get on with your life, make yourself happy, any more contact and she will grow to hate you, trust me on this one, I have been there and its not nice, the lack of sleep, the sickness of guilt, and remorse, always thinking about the one girl...You have to be patient, its far from easy, but I read your letter thinking, I would love to be in that position compared to where I am now, which sums up where I am now i guess lol, its taken me a long while to realise that I have to leave it up to her, you can realise it now and believe me it will get easier, you just have to stay active and busy, best of luck.... :-)

diverdad

kauto_star1 wrote: »

Hello,
My girlfriend of a few months and I broke up a little over a month ago. Her reason for initiating this has become brutally clear to me over the last number of days.

Apparently not. She had her reasons, either she chooses not to tell you or you weren't listening.

kauto_star1 wrote: »

My girlfriend became aware of this and obviously felt cheated on. The guilt and shame has brought me to an all time low, as if things aren't low enough. When I put myself into her shoes I feel physically sick, exactly how she described her feelings at the time.

There she did make things clear to you

kauto_star1 wrote: »

I am totally heartbroken. I have lost the girl which observers have said is the right person for me. I havehad taken her for granted without realising it. I truly loved and adored this girl. The little things which one would otherwise overlook, I loved about her. We spent really good times together and I felt so close to her through those times. I would do absolutely anything for her (except cop on and listen to her complaints about the FB ex) and I did my best to communicate that when I was with her.

I corrected the above paragraph for you. Its all in the past. Its up to you if you decide to obcess about the whole thing but she does not seem to want to know.

kauto_star1 wrote: »

I feel like I have thrown away the best thing that has ever happened to me and I feel that I will never truly forget and forgive myself for. I broke her little heart and I just don't know what to do.

You broke up with a girl! You'll get another and learn from your mistakes. You're young and it may seem like the end of the world but its not.

kauto_star1 wrote: »

I am in a very, very bad place which I know is natural.

It may well be for a little while. It depends on if you want to play the victim or martyr and drag this out instead of learning from if and moving on (as she most likely has).
ZEN 65 has advised and recommended, "take some time to get yourself into a more stable frame of mind. Take up a hobby, a sport, join a group or do something that occupies a portion of your thinking time; you spend far too much time "analysing" your life without seeing a proper context"

I would agree with this approach.

kauto_star1 wrote: »

What should I do? I am considering going to her house but I do not want to force myself on her or come across as a lunatic as am sure I did in the emails I sent, and the texts I sent to let her know I emailed her. This girl is worth fighting for, and if it means two months or more of heartbreak for me, I don't care.

I can well imagin that if you attempt going to her house, further e-mailing, texting and phoning we may see a thread started here from some frightened young woman who is feeling stalked after breaking up with a boyfriend obsessed about people who have left his live. People that he, the boyfriend, will stalk over the internet and send wierd e-mails blaming all his issues on, along with texts etc.

Ickle Magoo

It takes two to be in a relationship and she's been absolutely clear that she doesn't want to be in the relationship with you so the only healthy and productive thing you can do is accept that and draw a line under it and move on. Don't go to her house, don't call, don't cling onto some belief in the miraculous, accept that relationships are conditional and you can put partners off and there is no return bar doing our utmost to ensure we don't make that mistake again in our next relationship.

You sound very full-on, too full-on. There are billions of people in the world and a zillion things to do in that world, life shouldn't begin and end with one person - a relationship should be a positive addition to an already fulfilled, happy and healthy life and it doesn't sound like that is where you started from if you are still obsessively checking ex girlfriends profiles - in which case it's only ever going to end badly.

I think you should take a step back from any and all romantic relationships and concentrate on yourself and getting your head in the right place to be able to give any relationship you do have 100% and a decent chance at long-term success - otherwise you are just going to keep repeating the same old obsessive/destructive/self-loathing cycle.

All the best.

Starokan

Its time for you to give up on this girl for the moment at least. If you start going to her house etc you will gain nothing and seriously regret it. She knows where you stand, she has heard you out, if you truly love her then you will find it within yourself to let her go and wish her well.

Don't get caught up thinking she was the perfect girl for you no matter what others say the reality is that two people need to be of the same frame of mind to commit to a relationship and she isn't in the same place as you are.

Concentrate on yourself for a little while before jumping into another relationship. You need to work on your own self esteem, learn how to love yourself first and foremost, that way your in securities will disappear.

Try and realise that by not answering your calls/texts she is not being rude. She explained through the phone call that this was over & that is enough for the moment. By not being in contact she is doing you a favour as only with space can the two of you move on. I'm not saying you will never get back together or that you will never be friends , its just for now, with time you will be fine & will feel better soon.