DEEPLY UNHAPPY IN MARRIAGE NEED ADVISE

divorceincork

Hi

I am at my wits end in my relationship with my wife and I am looking for advise. There is no hope for the marriage but I won't burden you with the details.

I have two major obstacles in getting out of this relationship.

The first is my son and the second is the our large mortgage and negtaive equity that comes with it.

We are both earning under 30k a year but after tax our take home pay is in the region of 2000 per month. So combined income of 4000 per month. but our mortgage is 1300 per month after relief and childcare is 1000 euro a month. Which leaves us with 2000 euro. But with bills, food, tax, insurance, petrol, doctors, car loan etc there is very little left at the end of the month left over. I am happy if I can get to pay day with €50 left in my account.

I want out of the relationship but the mortgage and childcare has to be paid and we are not in a position to do this.

If i leave the house I assume I will have to pay my half of the mortgage of at least 700 a month, half the child care 500 a month, which leaves me with less than 700 a month. With the rent will be another 400 a month for a kip, which brings me down to 300 euro a month, i know that maintance grants are around 100 odd euro a week, leave me a 100 euro in the red before i buy my own food, pay bills, petrol, clothes etc.

I want to be around my son as much as possible too and for these reasons I just cannot see myself being able to leave anytime in the next few years but I am so unhappy in my marriage.


We have a four bedroom house on three floors would it be possible that I could have exclusive access to two bedrooms and she could have access to the two on the top floor as well as access to the living room with shared access to the kitchen as part of a seperation deal? This is far from ideal I know but I cannot see any other alternative. If I move out I simply will not be able to live. Sometimes I even think ending it all maybe the best alternative but I could not do that to my son.

Your advise would be greatly apperciated on this matter and any sugesstions you may have.

Thanks and regards

The most frustrated and glum man in Cork

Morag

Go and make an appointment for mediation.
Yes there are families were the parent's separate and stay in the family home.
Mediation will help you sort out a lot of these issues in advance.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/family_mediation_service.html

divorceincork

thanks sharrow

that is where i hope we can agree to go. the problem is that both parties must agree to the process I would like to put some kind of agreement together to show to my wife first. They maybe look at going to mediation to iron deal out. The other problem is that she may reject such a meeting.

Morag

Mediation works out all the details of the finances of the family and household.

Yes legally you are bound to pay your share of the mortgage and I can understand you not wanting a drop in living standards for you and the rest of the family but this will happen.
There are families which have to manage on 2,000 a month full stop.

And there are parent's pay less then 400 a month in maintenance, the fact you want to pay more and take a fair share of the burdens is a good thing but,

No matter what sort of a plan you put in place, it will not stop the hurt and upset which will come about. There will be fall out esp as you seem to be the one wanting this and have not discussed this with your wife.

I would suggest you go and get legal advice as to what your rights are and the best course of action.

Kevin Duffy

divorceincork wrote: »

Hi

There is no hope for the marriage but I won't burden you with the details.

That's a large veil to draw across it. You're entitled to your privacy of course and I'm not encouraging you to say more, but how sure are you that it's beyond repair? If you're prepared to enter mediation, why not try relationship counselling first? If you fix the marriage, then the other problems of making new living arrangements don't materialise.
Does your wife know where you're at with this? You wouldn't be the first fella to reach the end of his tether when the missus though it was a rough patch and was hoping to open a dialogue, only to be rocked by being told it was the end.

Maybe you've been through it already, but if you haven't then you probably have nothing to lose by trying and after half a dozen sessions of couples therapy, you could be amazed at the difference and by Valentine's Day you could be shocked that you'd come so close to calling it a day. I mean, you married her, you didn't do that 'cos there was nothing to love about her, right. I know things change, but maybe they haven't changed as much as you think.

LegacyUser

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

That's a large veil to draw across it. You're entitled to your privacy of course and I'm not encouraging you to say more, but how sure are you that it's beyond repair? If you're prepared to enter mediation, why not try relationship counselling first? If you fix the marriage, then the other problems of making new living arrangements don't materialise.
Does your wife know where you're at with this? You wouldn't be the first fella to reach the end of his tether when the missus though it was a rough patch and was hoping to open a dialogue, only to be rocked by being told it was the end.

Maybe you've been through it already, but if you haven't then you probably have nothing to lose by trying and after half a dozen sessions of couples therapy, you could be amazed at the difference and by Valentine's Day you could be shocked that you'd come so close to calling it a day. I mean, you married her, you didn't do that 'cos there was nothing to love about her, right. I know things change, but maybe they haven't changed as much as you think.

Agree. I would also add that even if you are going to break up, marriage counselling can help you both handle the split emotionally.
You haven't mentioned whether you're breaking her heart here of not. Of course, you have to do what you have to do, but handling it with least hurt and most respect is as important as the money side of things.
Also bear in mind, that massive childcare cost is not forever.

LegacyUser

I have 2 friends that have separated and live in the same house....

1 has 2 kids and they work grand, they even go on holis together and from the outside look like a happy couple...neither party has met anyone else so working fine at the moment sharing the house, a small 3 bed semi at dat.

Other couple have a 3 storey house and split the house like you said and works about 80% of the time, its sad but with high childcare costs and mortg what can one do.

Wishing you the very best and heres to a better and brighter 2012