ADVICE FOR PERSON LOOKING TO SEPERATE IN RECESSION HIT IRELAND

divorceincork

Hi

I am at my wits end in my relationship with my wife and I am looking for advise. There is no hope for the marriage but I won't burden you with the details.

I have two major obstacles in getting out of this relationship.

The first is my son and the second is the our large mortgage and negtaive equity that comes with it.

We are both earning under 30k a year but after tax our take home pay is in the region of 2000 per month. So combined income of 4000 per month. but our mortgage is 1300 per month after relief and childcare is 1000 euro a month. Which leaves us with 2000 euro. But with bills, food, tax, insurance, petrol, doctors, car loan etc there is very little left at the end of the month left over. I am happy if I can get to pay day with €50 left in my account.

I want out of the relationship but the mortgage and childcare has to be paid and we are not in a position to do this.

If i leave the house I assume I will have to pay my half of the mortgage of at least 700 a month, half the child care 500 a month, which leaves me with less than 700 a month. With the rent on my new place will be another 400 a month for a kip, which brings me down to 300 euro a month, i know that maintance grants are around 100 odd euro a week, leave me a 100 euro in the red before i buy my own food, pay bills, petrol, clothes etc.

I want to be around my son as much as possible too and for these reasons I just cannot see myself being able to leave anytime in the next few years but I am so unhappy in my marriage.


We have a four bedroom house on three floors would it be possible that I could have exclusive access to two bedrooms and she could have access to the two on the top floor as well as access to the living room with shared access to the kitchen as part of a seperation deal? This is far from ideal I know but I cannot see any other alternative. If I move out I simply will not be able to live. Sometimes I even think ending it all maybe the best alternative but I could not do that to my son.

Your advise would be greatly apperciated on this matter especially from a legal point of view.

Thanks and regards

The most frustrated and glum man in Cork

foxy06

No legal advice to offer but for gods sake dont even think about ending it all. Your son and even your wife would have to live with that forever. I don't think you both living in the house after a separation will work as neither of you will be able to move on. Sorry thats all I can offer but I hope things work out for you.

Is your wife also unhappy, and aware of these issues? Or have you kept it to yourself, thus far?

divorceincork

We fight all the time and she knows that we are both unhappy. Divorce/seperation has not been discussed. It has been more a case of what is the point of the relationship type discussions which to be fair neither of us really have an answer for. I am only 32 and I want to find happiness in a relationship because I know how amazing that is. I would rather be alone forever more than be in a relationship with this woman. I really just want to see what approach I take to this legally before I take up the issue with her. I cannot get legal advise due to cost. I really want to know is the seperation of the house a viable option in a legal seperation agreement. Thanks for interest.

skippy2

Sad to read this around Christmas
I cant give you any legal advice which is what you want
But you sound like you are a young couple have you tried everything to make it work. Sometimes when all the s....t seems to be hitting the fan everything seems to be much worse and everything gets blown out of proportion. Step back from it all take some deep breaths keep calm and try to do what is best for everyone. Sit down and try to talk things through together.

If at the end of the day what you are suggesting is the best option for everyone so be it, but its worth a try if you love(d) each other, life is certainly not easy at the moment but its better than the other option.

Living under one roof while each trying to start new lives, i don't know ....maybe wiser people can advise. If it has to be, keep it amicable and don't get legal people over involved or they make the money and you both lose.

Would renting a room and taking in a lodger help in any way if financial pressure is causing the problems. If you have three floors you could still have some privacy

Best of luck and Hope you can work things out

divorceincork

Hi skippy

To be honest in the present situation our finances are ok. other than a small car loan and obviously a huge mortgage we are ok. We are eating well, can buy clothes, paying all bills. Even going out for the odd night out. Obviously concerts, holidays away and expensive luxury items are not an option. During the good times we were earning a take home of about 20000 take home a year extra between us. even then the strains were there but there is no doubt that the current econonmic climate is doing us no favours. That being said i think if we were well off i think we would be seperated by now.

MagicSean

Try marriage counselling.

Living in the same house after seperation will not work.

Delancey

MagicSean wrote: »

Try marriage counselling.

Living in the same house after seperation will not work.

Growing up there were neighbours of mine who quite literally partitioned their house into 2 separate abodes ( they had builders in to erect new walls for instance ).
Though the arrangement appeared to work for them I would have to say they were a thoroughly eccentric pair who were both as odd as 2 left feet - how such an arrangement would work for more ' normal ' people is doubtful.

3ndahalfof6

I was in a similar situation, but I did not do what you are doing, trying to get advise before your approach the break up discussion,

I discussed breaking up with my x, and the next day she went and got advise allowing her to put certain things in place to make me look like a right bastard, it did not end well for me,

I never thought she would do something like that, I trusted her to be civil (even though we were breaking up) so if you think there is any chance of her turning nasty, make sure you have all the information you need before approaching the conversation with her,

but you will need to have the conversation with her, it is also possible if she is feeling as miserable as you it could work out fine.

all the best with it.

johnnyskeleton

Go to your local free legal advice centre (FLAC.ie) or ring samaritans. They deal with these issues all the timeand you may feel a lot better speaking to someone in person who has seen this many times and can show you how it is not as bad as it may seem. You both have good incomes and a house.

Do you have any living relatives eg mother, father, sister, brother or any close friends that you can confide in?

A consultation with a solicitor is relatively cheap and if you'll forgive me saying so, someone on your salary can easily afford it. There are many solicitors who will see you for less than €100 which, considering they will probably give you a full hour, is cheaper than a gp visit. If you are concerned that your wife will see this money come out of the account, ask the friend/relative to lend it to you and repay at a later date.

Amazotheamazing

I don't see what's stopping you moving in to one of the other bedrooms for now? It's an Irish solution, perhaps, to an Irish problem, but you wouldn't be the first couple to live separate lives in the same house. Obviously, as ye both move on and meet new people it'll become unsustainable, but for now, if the marriage is over, it might help preserve your emotional health (which is clearly at issue if you think ending it all is some sort of answer). It used to be relatively common in pre-divorce Ireland, and sadly the recession has seen many people forced back into it.

Unfortunately, until your finances improve, you can't separate and keep up the current financial commitments. You have a realistic outlook on your current situation, try and keep communication open with your wife. As was pointed out, these things can get very nasty very quickly when deep down, I'm sure ye both know it's over and probably some part of ye just wants to be happy and let the other find happiness of some sort too.

imokyrok

The separate rooms idea suggested above is a good one. It will give you breathing space if nothing else. Just having one place of your own to get away from the aggro is precious. Longer term if I were you I'd go for separation - before you end up with more children making it even harder to make the break. You're still young and it's easy to let the years slip away.

Maybe you should consider letting the house go if you are in negative equity. Give it back to the bank maybe. Don't know much about that side of it. Or you could see if they would permit an interest only payment with the house placed in the name of whoever is going to live there. They might prefer that to having another unsellable property. Otherwise you could each rent an apartment at a reasonable cost and if you chose to be fairly close by (though not in each others faces) you should be able to see as much as possible of your child.

On the subject of your child - it's worth having a proper mediation agreement on access arrangements and avoiding too much acrimony for his sake alone. Don't let contact slide no matter what. If you do the child will experience it as rejection no matter the circumstances.

jdee99

I did exactly as you are suggesting with my ex. As luck would have it we were able to keep things civil between us but if one of us had moved out of the house we would not have been able to keep the lifestyles that we both had. We lived in separate rooms but shared the kitchen and whilst life wasn't brilliant it wasn't bad.

One thing we both did agree to was no bringing home friends or even new partners - wouldn't have been far on the other. We shared all the bills and we even lived together for a couple of years after the divorce. Its not a perfect solution but at the time it worked for us.

Still friends with her even today.

JD

yourmother10

This might be of help.. http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/divorce_decrees.html

I'm sorry to hear about your situation at present, but these things do work out. Not much consolation at the moment, I know.

As mentioned by some other posters I would suggest maybe seeking a legal consolation.You should enquire as to whether or not you're entitled to legal aid. Living together whilst separated doesn't sound like a good idea, to me anyways.

Just to mention relevant case law (open to correction by the way!!) but, in Airey v. Ireland (No.1), the applicant complained that due to the prohibitive cost of civil litigation and the absence of a scheme of legal aid in Ireland, she was effectively denied access to the courts for the purposes of seeking a judicial seperation from her husband contrary to Article 6(1) ECHR. According to the court (1979), Article 6(1) ECHR granted a positive right of access to a judge, and a correlative right not to be faced with prohibitive legal costs in doing so. Moreover, Article 8 ECHR entailed a positive duty for States to ensure respect of private and family life, and Mrs. Airey’s inability to avail herself of the remedy of judicial seperation infringed that right.

Don't know whether that's much help to you, all the best OP.

1wingnut

DO NOT MOVE OUT.I did to help make things better and let the tension calm I was then locked out now nowhere to go christmas was ****e i have 3 kids and it was made hard for me to see them we worked together in our buisness now that is gone.I was married for 19 years together for 33 and i love her still,but now no buisness no house big loans no income cant get dole .try to work out living together.best of luck

krd

Delancey wrote: »

Though the arrangement appeared to work for them I would have to say they were a thoroughly eccentric pair who were both as odd as 2 left feet - how such an arrangement would work for more ' normal ' people is doubtful.

"normal" people stay together in bitter loveless marriages, keeping up appearances for the neighbours.

The biggest obstacle to separation is cost. People stay together because they can't afford to split up.