Took exes advice , things a lot better, shes still on my mind......

LegacyUser

Have read these boards for past while just looking for some advice.....
I was in a relationship till early this year...The girl I was with had her own issues, which meant me telling her of mine spooked her (in my opinion anyway) , I have bipolar and at the time wasn't really taking care of myself health wise, as in I was drinking too much and this was leading to me being down etc at different intervals and telling her that I wanted to self harm etc,
Anyway she said we were too similar and felt i didnt believe in myself ,(possible smokescreen issues) , I think it was down to having her own stuff to work on , and she wanted someone who was a bit happier in themselves ( i can see this now)
She was always onto me to get counselling and professional help for my thoughts, which I did after the break up, I foolishly made contact with her at the start of the counselling, I have over 3 months counselling done now, mainly CBT and ACT and I find it terrific..When i made contact with her and she wouldnt speak to me I was in bits but since then I can see i made it very difficult for her by contacting her in the first place...
Allied with the counselling i have stopped drinking and really feel the benefits, with the meds i was on i really should never have drank since 21 when i was diagnosed (mid 30s now)....I realise now that I'm more important than i ever felt i was previously, as I am doing self esteem counselling as well, and I'm quite happy to be single with the odd thing thrown in, I find i can meet girls a lot easier than I ever could, I have thrown myself into new clubs, work and exercise and people are saying i am happier and look much better etc, I guess I am writing this as I would like to contact the ex to thank her , I dont want to foist myself on her either, I was kind of relying on meeting her by chance, I really think meeting her saved my life, and I would be lying if i said i didnt fancy her or think "this is the way i should have been with her" etc, but as I said I am in no hurry to do this, I know I am not finished with this process yet, and the most important thing is me, thats a sentence and sentiment I never could have felt before...Counselling was very tough going and week to week it still is, I guess i was wondering should I just leave well enough alone, this ex doesnt mix in my circle , she won't know whats going on etc, part of me thinks I'm being selfish to think this way and should just leave it, and the other part thinks "get yourself right, bide your time , do what you're doing" and hope to meet her by chance, thanks for reading this.....

danslevent

Hey curious

Your post was very nice, it was inspiring to see someone so actively improving their life and getting the help they need. I think you shouldn't credit your ex girlfriend with ALL of this though. You say that you think she saved your life, but it wasn't, it was all you. You were the one that signed up for councelling, started going to the gym etc. I think you are being unfair on yourself by crediting all these magnificent lifestyle changes to your ex. She did tell you to go to councelling but you chose to do it.

I know this is much easier said than done, but try put your ex out of your mind. The fact that you said you already contacted her and she wasn't too impressed, I say it's best to just leave it. You don't owe her anything really and I think you should carry on how you are.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that, I was always big into exercise I guess that saved me over the years, I mean I work regularly, a lot of people with bipolar I don't or can't do that...Previous exes never worried about me the way this girl did, she said she worried about me more than any guy she ever went out with, my family and friends werent really behind the idea that I needed counselling, they thought it was great for me, but never pushed it...Being honest I lost someone special and resolved not to have this become a factor for me again, if someone didnt like the look of me , fine, or like my personality etc grand, but not the illness, I knew I had to get help for it. She never said to me "i dont fancy you, i have met someone else etc" anything like that would have made it easier it also would have masked my real issue, my illness, thats what I think with the benefit of hindsight anyway

When i contacted her at start of counselling, I thought that because I was going to do it, it was the same thing as an end result, and that she would be thrilled etc I was very wrong and I think she was right not to answer my calls, she did answer texts , she said i couldnt have changed that quickly, and shes right, even now 3 months later i realise I have a long way to go, and I am looking forward to it for me, whereas before i was doing it for her, I realised that it had to be for myself otherwise it just wouldn't work..Now I think if i contact her it will set me back, I have to get on with things, be happy, do my own thing and if something happens be ready for it, part of me does wonder why she never called me to see how I am etc, but I can also see that would be hard for her, as she might think shes giving signals etc, I'm just glad I came around to this way of thinking and would appreciate any feedback from people in similar situations or just some good advice . thanks again,

LegacyUser

One thing I have realised is that I want to rebuild the relationship with the ex, as I said I have no problem picking girls up since...I would be considered a good looking guy, (not boasting just being honest) One of the things I have picked up from counselling is values are important, I'm not sure what I stood for before, I would like to work on this, I think if I keep myself happy.

I will be happy whether thats with ex or not...But the difference in being depressed with medication and when not is pretty big, I realise I can't turn back time, but the person now is not the same guy she was worrying about, but someone with all the good characteristics, (probably better now if being honest) , anyone come through something similar , thanks again...

LegacyUser

No response or advice, interesting ,maybe the post is too good, and doesnt qualify for advice....Joking aside, I spoke to a few friends about it and they said keep on doing what you're doing, if you're happy, and on the right track , good things will happen, who knows what will happen with ex , probably nothing, but once I am prepared for that and able to create my own happiness either way irrespective of her being in my life, I reckon I'm on the right track.....

Once I know its important that any contact from me is doomed to failure saying I have changed etc, thats important to me....Sometimes it makes me angry for a split second, I just practice some CBT thought version sheets and work it out and feel better for it, would recommend CBT to anyone in my situation by the way...

holyhead

OP hats off to ye for getting treatment. That took bottle. People can point you in the right direction all day but it was you that grasped the nettle and are now reaping dividends based on your postings. I think you may have put this girl in the ex files category. Enjoy the happy memories and please do realise if you've met one special girl, like your ex, you can meet another. Continue good luck with your counselling. Your young enough yet to enjoy all the fruits that living can offer. Go for it lad!

LegacyUser

Thanks holyhead, i know exactly what you mean and I do think there is plenty more of fish in the sea, so to speak, lol, but I would like to meet the ex to really put it to bed, its frustrating sometimes to realise that it will have to be by chance, I just hope it happens sooner rather than later, but I cant afford to dwell on it too much, the most important thing is me, I just have to get on with it, thanks again :-) Speaking to friends about the whole process I have found draining, everyone is full of congratulations and its true, changes are afoot, I have to keep it up though, I'm looking forward to the next counselling session in January to be honest, would be great to have it tomorrow