Worst Christmas - Ever

LegacyUser

Constantly arguing with my wife. Been married for 6 years and while I love her she just seems to make me angry all the time.

We've got a 300k mortgage (4 years into it) and no kids, both of us mid/late-thirties. Big problem -she is an immigrant to this country but has not, after nearly a decade here, fully integrated into life in Ireland.

She spends an average of 4 months in her own country - her relationship with her mother is very close. However, she has not seriously tried to find long-term work in Ireland. Work in her profession is hard to get right now but she's just not trying. She refuses to learn to drive (something that would improve her chances of finding work) or to approach the problem in an organised way.

She works, sure, a series of part - time jobs but none of these go anywhere.

I feel like I'm pulling more than my share of the load - perhaps it's a man's role to do this (that's partly what I think justifies her 'part time' approach to life here.)

I have tried again and again to speak to her but she refuses to acknowledge that there's a problem.

Maybe she's right?

Either way, I'm miserable - feels like I'm at the end of the road on this.

greenprincess

That's a lot of time to spend in her home country! And no it's not fair for you to be pulling most the weight it should b equal or as equal as possible

W77

Many people struggle to adapt to a 'live to work' environment like Ireland when they themselves come from a 'work to live' environment.

Considering moving with her to her home Country would be my best suggestion, but since you've already gotten a mortgage here that perhaps is out of the question.

dixiefly

W77 wrote: »

Many people struggle to adapt to a 'live to work' environment like Ireland when they themselves come from a 'work to live' environment.

Considering moving with her to her home Country would be my best suggestion, but since you've already gotten a mortgage here that perhaps is out of the question.

Judging by the original post this does not seem something that would make the poster happy. Unless there were plans in the background for this or work options
it could make things worse for the OP.
is there a possibility that she is meeting more that her mum when at home and has someone on the go there? This does not seem a healthy relationship.

I think that people that have experience of relationships across cultures are best placed to advise but, if it was me, I think I would sit down and consider options and what I am prepared to do if things dont improve. Then, arrange time in which we could discuss all aspects of the relationship and options for both parties, including separation.

LegacyUser

dixiefly wrote: »

Judging by the original post this does not seem something that would make the poster happy. Unless there were plans in the background for this or work options
it could make things worse for the OP.
is there a possibility that she is meeting more that her mum when at home and has someone on the go there? This does not seem a healthy relationship.

I think that people that have experience of relationships across cultures are best placed to advise but, if it was me, I think I would sit down and consider options and what I am prepared to do if things dont improve. Then, arrange time in which we could discuss all aspects of the relationship and options for both parties, including separation.

I lived there with her a few years back - it's not exactly an easy place to live in (an ex-soviet Republic)

No - she's just meeting her mum when she goes back.

Right now it's a real pain because all our conversations seem to involve me nagging her over not taking life here seriously. I am giving myself a headache listening to me.

I mean, I just can't accept that she learn to drive and won't come up with a plan to find a proper job here- there have been other examples of this kind of thing over the years and while in the past I would do stuff for her, I'm just at the end of my rope on it now.

Mister Dread

It doesn't sound like you have a wife or partner at all if she is willingly spending a third of the year away from you. Maybe its time you thought about moving on.

I am a friend

A lot of eastern european women I know dont work and dont expect to work once they get married. I suspect she is traditional and the man is the provider... What was the position before ye got married?

Make sure ye dont bring kids into the equation while the marriage is distressed like this.

pickarooney

What exactly are you getting out of this marriage?

strandroad

christmas sucks wrote: »

I lived there with her a few years back - it's not exactly an easy place to live in (an ex-soviet Republic)

No - she's just meeting her mum when she goes back.

Right now it's a real pain because all our conversations seem to involve me nagging her over not taking life here seriously. I am giving myself a headache listening to me.

I mean, I just can't accept that she learn to drive and won't come up with a plan to find a proper job here- there have been other examples of this kind of thing over the years and while in the past I would do stuff for her, I'm just at the end of my rope on it now.

What is her outlook on life in general? Could she be one of those women who expect the man to be the main provider while she is responsible for child rearing, running the house etc? It's not even an ex-Soviet thing, many Irish women do not expect to have to work (in any serious way - some charity or part-time work at the most) after they get married. What was your original arrangement? Have you discussed partnership in your marriage? Have you planned children and how would you sort out childcare?

LegacyUser

@ I am a Friend....she does work - I mean, she gets work on a part-time basis but the jobs are menial, by and large. She does this because she wants to contribute, I know, but she has a degree from an Irish University, a degree from her own country and her professional qualification has been recognised by the relevant body here. But, she has made no serious effort to find work in that area - or for that matter, no serious effort to find work at anything other than this menial level.

Don't get me wrong, I am not blind to the state of the economy, but I need to see some effort. Even if she never gets a proper job (one where she is not being exploited, not forced to work stupid hours and weekends, where she's treated with dignity and respect) I need to see some effort. She refuses to try and accuses me of only looking for someone who can bring more money home!

Sure, yeah, there is an element of 'man the provider' in her thinking - her parents' marriage is pretty much a classic case - I have pointed out that we are not her parents etc etc...

There are no kids. Infertility problems. It has not really been an issue for us - neither of us cares that much.

@pickarooney - I don't know - not even sex anymore.

I don't want to be this kind of person - who nags and lectures to another adult - I cannot stand that I have become like this. I am trying to accept that she'll not make a serious effort but I cannot. So we sit in separate rooms in silence. Happy Christmas.

Mister Dread

Sorry to hear it. Don't beat yourself over the nagging, that's just you making the effort to get your partner to act like one. It really sounds like your marriage has been over a while.

Bubblefett

When you decided to get married did you discuss how things would work after? How would you pay for the 300k house? Would you both work? Would you have kids and if so would she stay home with them?

If not now is the time to sit down and discuss things. To me it sounds like you had two different ideas for how your marrage would work and still do.

You need to sit down and talk. Try and let her lead the conversation and find out why isn't she looking for work (don't ask straight out, let her say why herself).

The nagging may have become a sound she's now tuning out- like how a teenager tunes out a nagging adult. Treat it like you would the teenager, treat them as an adult and don't nag, let them say what they want and talk for the most part of the conversation. Don't order, give instuction, it will make them feel talked to, not with.

In order to make a marrage work you need to want the same things. Make sure you both do.

curlzy

Hey OP,

I make more money than my b/f, we've decided that when we have kids he'll be a stay at home dad. I'm sure I'll love my kids but I really can't imagine having to give up my job and be with them 24/7, it's just not my bag but he on the other hand adores kids. Now, should we go down that road and my b/f stops working but we can't have kids, for whatever reason, I would expect him to get proper work again immediately. Why? Because it's 2011 and the days of one partner automatically providing for another is long gone. If I were you OP I really would just cut her off. Get a separate bank account and start halving ALL the bills. It's one thing to be unemployed but at home and minding kids and caretaking, it's quite anther to do sweet f*ck all and expect to be kept. So yeah the short and simple answer is STOP ENABLING HER. She can only do this as long as you let her. Stop giving her money, stop paying her way, stop all the crap you're doing, be a man basically not a doormat.

Best of luck