What happened Last night with a guy

LegacyUser

Crud-am after getting myself into a bit of a situation (in my head anyways) and need some advice-dont want to be head wrecked over christmas.

I have been seeing a guy for a few months now-casually-no committment. Taking things very slowly. We hadnt kissed/hands nothing yet. To be honest I didnt even feel like he fancied me. I met him last night. I was being all nervous and awkward because I knew what might be coming next. So, he suggest I stay over at his and I could have a few drinks-I was a little reluctant as I dont want to come across as that kind of person. I agreed as I sort of wanted to find out if he was interested in me, or just as a friend. So we stayed in the same bed. I was fully clothed, so was he. All grand. He put some moves on (great!) had some cuddling. Little bit of kissing. Was nice. He started to move further down my back/bottom area-I got kinda nervous-pushed his hand away (I kind of didnt mean to). I had to go to the loo, when I got back, he was asleep. He was actually working very early this morning. So, I slept away-heard him getting up/ready for work. Thought he might come over to say bye, but he just said "Ill talk to you later" and walked out the door! I was left in his place-needless to say I left 5 mins after that.

Am totally confused! I dont want to say anything (nor have I heard anything-ok was only a few hours ago), but to me that was just a little odd? The thing I want to know is should I say something? Am I over thinking this? He did say to me last night that I seem to worry alot. Not really - just about thing like this as am useless at figuring men out!

floorpie

You said that you knew he had to be up very early for work. Presumably he didn't want to wake you up very early and kick you out, hence...everything.

...and walked out the door!

Ye'd find it awful difficult to get to work otherwise :P

I think you maybe are overthinking it a little.

ButterflyABC

awhcrud wrote: »

Crud-am after getting myself into a bit of a situation (in my head anyways) and need some advice-dont want to be head wrecked over christmas.

I have been seeing a guy for a few months now-casually-no committment. Taking things very slowly. We hadnt kissed/hands nothing yet. To be honest I didnt even feel like he fancied me. I met him last night. I was being all nervous and awkward because I knew what might be coming next. So, he suggest I stay over at his and I could have a few drinks-I was a little reluctant as I dont want to come across as that kind of person. I agreed as I sort of wanted to find out if he was interested in me, or just as a friend. So we stayed in the same bed. I was fully clothed, so was he. All grand. He put some moves on (great!) had some cuddling. Little bit of kissing. Was nice. He started to move further down my back/bottom area-I got kinda nervous-pushed his hand away (I kind of didnt mean to). I had to go to the loo, when I got back, he was asleep. He was actually working very early this morning. So, I slept away-heard him getting up/ready for work. Thought he might come over to say bye, but he just said "Ill talk to you later" and walked out the door! I was left in his place-needless to say I left 5 mins after that.

Am totally confused! I dont want to say anything (nor have I heard anything-ok was only a few hours ago), but to me that was just a little odd? The thing I want to know is should I say something? Am I over thinking this? He did say to me last night that I seem to worry alot. Not really - just about thing like this as am useless at figuring men out!

You are seeing him a few months now. Maybe it's moving a bit too slowly for him? Although You could very well be over thinking it, he probably was tired since he had to work and had to rush off this morning. I'm sure you will hear from him today so try not to think about it so much until you know more. Us girls really do know how to overanalyse.

All the best and let us know how it turns out.

hairyslug

Maybe hes reading into it a bit to much, he may have got a bit embarrassed about trying and getting nothing lastnight and felt awkward this mornibg, didnt know what to say and blurted out the wrong thing, to be honest if you are seeing him on and off for the past few months and nothing has happened id say hes interested and not just looking for a quick fumble in the sack, as for falling asleep some of us have a knack of falling asleep at the drop of a hat.

If you like him, call him/text him, nothing to lose

tinkerbell

You've been seeing each other a few months and hadn't even KISSED yet? That's not dating someone, that's meeting up with a friend a few times. You're not taking things SLOW, you're taking things nowhere.

I don't know what to suggest OP, you either want to be together or you don't. It just all sounds very odd. Generally if someone wants to take things slow it means they don't want to do anything sexual, but not kissing / holding hands? There's no intimacy at all, it's just platonic.

Kimia

I have to say OP it sounds like you are sending ridiculous mixed signals to this guy. He FINALLY gets you to come over for some kissing/fun and you push him away. You admit yourself that you're reluctant because you don't want to be seen as that type of girl (what? that likes a boy?) and your entire post comes off as very mixed up and contradictory. I can only imagine how he feels.

If you like him TELL him.

LegacyUser

thanks for the opinions-maybe I did send mixed signals. I do like him-i just wasnt prepared for that/was terribly nervous-I didnt see it like some of you have explained. I know I like him, I dont know why am so mixed up. Maybe over thought things. I heard from him earlier, just friendly banter. Not sure if I should bring up that I do like him. Dont want to come across as a loony. I mean I slept over at his and kissed and stuff-doesnt that say something? I just thought it was a bit cold the way he left-but maybe thats normal?

We are taking it slow for a few reasons. But there is definitely attraction there.

Janet1986

Maybe he is getting tired of 'waiting' for sex.

He could think a few things here:

You don't fancy him.

You only want to be friends.

Or you don't trust him (as soon as he gets it he's gone).

Chinafoot

You think his behaviour was odd? Jesus OP, he has made it very clear that he likes you and considering there has been months of absolutely zero intimacy he clearly isn't after one thing, nor will he think less of you for wanting to be physical with him. Maybe he did just fall asleep last night, or maybe he decided he couldn't be arsed with what appears to be headwrecking mixed signals from you.

To be perfectly honest, I'm amazed he's still around. If I was in his position I would have given up long ago.

If you like him, tell him. If you want to be intimate with him but are worried he'll think less of you, tell him. If you have issues with intimacy, tell him. If you are a virgin or have very limited sexual experience which is making you worry, tell him.

Ultimately you need to start acting like an adult and have a mature conversation about what is going on. What you've had with this guy up until now has been friendship. If you want it to be more, and he clearly does, you need to start acting like it.

Firetrap

I think you are going to have to make up your mind whether it's yay or nay with this guy. Lay your cards on the table. To be honest, you do sound a bit like a head-wreck and you're going to have to stop this humming and hawing business.

How do you think he's going to interpret what happened last night? He's not psychic so chances are he's going to think you rebuffed his advances. No wonder he pretended to be asleep when you came back - he was probably mortified.

floorpie

Chinafoot wrote: »

You think his behaviour was odd? Jesus OP, he has made it very clear that he likes you and considering there has been months of absolutely zero intimacy he clearly isn't after one thing, nor will he think less of you for wanting to be physical with him. Maybe he did just fall asleep last night, or maybe he decided he couldn't be arsed with what appears to be headwrecking mixed signals from you.

To be perfectly honest, I'm amazed he's still around. If I was in his position I would have given up long ago.

This is fairly f*cking harsh, no? If they haven't kissed for however many months, there are two people who didn't kiss; frankly i think that it's far more weird for the guy not to have made a proper move by now than the girl. If he wanted to leave things because of a lack of progression, he could, but he didn't - he sounds just as 'mixed' (if you want to use that term) as the OP. So the fact that they didn't hook up for months does't mean that the girl is to blame as you've basically said, because they both didn't hook up (he didn't even hold her hand for months, i'm not surprised she wasn't very forward, she needs a signal or two :S).

He left that morning because of work, end of story. You know as well as i do, via experience and by way of hearing half a million stories of very similar scenarios through the process of life, that they're going to meet up again next week, and the next week, and do the same thing again and again until they figure out if they're compatible. It's not that big a deal: OP, calm down about it and enjoy things.

Chinafoot

floorpie wrote: »

This is fairly f*cking harsh, no?

Firstly, I'll thank you not to swear at me. By all means disagree but do it with out the cursing.

floorpie wrote: »

If they haven't kissed for however many months, there are two people who didn't kiss;

The OP classes this as "seeing a guy for a few months". Now I'm sorry but no form of physically contact whatsoever is not "seeing" each other. It's a friendship. Further reading of the OPs post shows that the man in question wants there to be more to this friendship, hence the invitation and the kissing.

floorpie wrote: »

frankly i think that it's far more weird for the guy not to have made a proper move by now than the girl.

What? Have you considered that perhaps making a move on this OP isn't exactly possible? She doesn't exactly come across as being very open to it to be quite honest. Months of nothing and continued worrying about being seen as "that kind of girl".

floorpie wrote: »

If he wanted to leave things because of a lack of progression, he could, but he didn't - he sounds just as 'mixed' (if you want to use that term) as the OP. So them not having hooked up for months is irrelevant, because they both didn't hook up (he didn't even hold her hand for months, i'm not surprised she wasn't very forward, she needs a signal or two :S).

floorpie, are you drunk or something? Your post is barely comprehensible to be quite frank. Nobody is suggesting the OP should have been all over the bloke in question. Going on her OP alone, it's fair to say she sounds like she would be very uncomfortable getting intimate which may be why nothing has happened between them until the kissing last night. Then when they started kissing and he moved his hand down her back she not only pushed him away but she got up and left the situation. She said she "kind of didn't mean to" push his hand away and she also expressed being happy that he was making a move on her "(great!)". You don't see that as headwreckingly mixed signals?

floorpie wrote: »

He left that morning because of work, end of story.

Where did I say otherwise?

floorpie wrote: »

You know as well as i do, via experience and by way of hearing half a million stories of very similar scenarios through the process of life, that they're going to meet up again next week, and the next week, and do the same thing again and again until they figure out if they're compatible. It's not that big a deal: OP, calm down about it and enjoy things.

Again I'm going to assume you're drunk because none of this appears to be in anyway relevant to either the OP or the replies she has received.

floorpie

I absolutely am drunk but i'll stand by my point to the bitter end. Maybe you could point out what parts of my post are incomprehensible and i'll clear them up. And it's silly getting annoyed about me cursing when you were "Jesus OP"ing at the girl.

The OP classes this as "seeing a guy for a few months". Now I'm sorry but no form of physically contact whatsoever is not "seeing" each other.

"Seeing" doesn't necessarily mean kissing/having sex, it could just mean dating, and...they have been dating, therefore by the OP's definition, they've been seeing each other. And you can infer from the OP's post that this her definition of 'seeing', given that they hadn't kissed etc and she's aware of this fact. So your definition of 'seeing' isn't important here.

What? Have you considered that perhaps making a move on this OP isn't exactly possible?

After several months? No He sounds just as lost as the OP, so i'm not surprised that two indecisive people created the situation that they have, and if this is the case, it's not all the OP's fault.

Originally Posted by floorpie
He left that morning because of work, end of story.

Where did I say otherwise?

You explicitly said that her behavior was odd (which isn't very helpful advice by the way), and that you wouldn't have stayed around as long as that guy. The OP's post is asking why he left in the manner he did, and the whole tone of your post is that his reactions are understandable, so that's where you said otherwise.

And you're right, she does seem uncomfortable being intimate, but i don't see how telling her that she's being odd and not acting like an adult would help..?

Apologies for any incomprehensible parts of my post, point them out and i'll clear them up to avoid any confusion.

Edit: Oh i just spotted an unclear part.

Originally Posted by floorpie
You know as well as i do, via experience and by way of hearing half a million stories of very similar scenarios through the process of life, that they're going to meet up again next week, and the next week, and do the same thing again and again until they figure out if they're compatible. It's not that big a deal: OP, calm down about it and enjoy things.

Again I'm going to assume you're drunk because none of this appears to be in anyway relevant to either the OP or the replies she has received

I meant that there's no need to sit down and have a lengthy discussion about the specifics of what they're going to do next. That is to say, having a mature conversation about how she has issues with intimacy etc mightn't be the best course of action; if she relaxes, and they keep meeting up and she doesn't feel like she's acting in an odd fashion because she's being told that she is, things will more than likely progress naturally.

Chinafoot

floorpie wrote: »

I absolutely am drunk but i'll stand by my point to the bitter end. Maybe you could point out what parts of my post are incomprehensible and i'll clear them up. And it's silly getting annoyed about me cursing when you were "Jesus OP"ing at the girl.

First and foremost, an expression of exasperation (Jesus OP) is not the same as referring to what I have posted as "a bit f*cking harsh". I also find it very interesting that you have chosen to challenge my post when there are 3 posts above mine and one after that say pretty much exactly the same thing.

floorpie wrote: »

"Seeing" doesn't necessarily mean kissing/having sex, it could just mean dating, and...they have been dating, therefore by the OP's definition, they've been seeing each other. And you can infer from the OP's post that this her definition of 'seeing', given that they hadn't kissed etc and she's aware of this fact. So your definition of 'seeing' isn't important here.

You are actually arguing that months of meeting up with absolutely no physical contact whatsoever is "seeing" someone in the dating sense? I'm sorry but that is ridiculous. As Tinkerbell said "thats not taking things slow, thats taking things nowhere." My definition of "seeing" as something that involves some level of intimacy after a prolonged period of time, is the definition that the majority of society would have...so yeah, it is relevant here. The OP and this bloke could quite possibly have very different expectations due to her inability to recognise that dating for most people and quite possibly this man, involve things progressing at a faster pace than they are in this scenario. Having another perspective on what is seen as the "norm" in these situations can only be helpful to the OP.

floorpie wrote: »

After several months? No He sounds just as lost as the OP, so i'm not surprised that two indecisive people created the situation that they have, and if this is the case, it's not all the OP's fault.

I didn't say it was all her fault actually. She is the only one here asking for advice though, not the other bloke. He made a move on her and she rebuffed him and removed herself from the situation. She said that she "kind of" didn't mean to stop him but she did. She is getting advice based on what she says happened.

floorpie wrote: »

You explicitly said that her behavior was odd (which isn't very helpful advice by the way), and that you wouldn't have stayed around as long as that guy. The OP's post is asking why he left in the manner he did, and the whole tone of your post is that his reactions are understandable, so that's where you said otherwise.

First of all, the OP described his behaviour as odd. I saw nothing odd with his behaviour and it was clear that she was reading far too much into him leaving to go to work. You are clearly attempting to put words in my mouth regarding a minor factor of this incident that I didn't even address in my first post as it is ridiculous for her to read into it as much as she is. The OP saw his behaviour as cold and odd but did not take into account how he could be feeling after being rebuffed by her. By asking about him leaving she is focusing on an unimportant aspect of this entire situation.

floorpie wrote: »

And you're right, she does seem uncomfortable being intimate, but i don't see how telling her that she's being odd and not acting like an adult would help..?

Her behaviour could be seen as odd. And by that I am referring to her stopping him when she didnt want to stop him and then leaving him to eush off to the loo. She should recognise that instead of focusing solely on the fact that he left to go to work and seeing that as odd when it clearly isn't. You seem to be implying that I am calling her odd for not jumping into bed with him. Again I'll ask you not to put words in my mouth.

And she isn't acting like an adult. She's posting on a message board about something that she should be discussing with him. She even questioned why she hadnt heard anything from him despite it only having been a few hours since he left her. This is not adult behaviour.

I'm not going to go around in circles with you here floorpie, and I will not engage with someone who is going to try to twist what I'm saying and put words in my mouth. By all means stand by your point "to the bitter end" but perhaps when you sober up you'll actually read my posts properly. Until then, I'm out.

floorpie

Chinafoot wrote: »

First and foremost, an expression of exasperation (Jesus OP) is not the same as referring to what I have posted as "a bit f*cking harsh". I also find it very interesting that you have chosen to challenge my post when there are 3 posts above mine and one after that say pretty much exactly the same thing.

I'm not 'challenging' you, and i'm sorry if it seems like i'm picking on your post in particular; the posts above you, which did say the same thing, seem to me like they say it in a more tactful, helpful, manner. You're not the person who was troubled enough to come on looking for help, so saying to you that you're being harsh isn't as bad as you exasperatingly saying "Jesus OP, you're acting odd".

You are actually arguing that months of meeting up with absolutely no physical contact whatsoever is "seeing" someone in the dating sense? I'm sorry but that is ridiculous.

You can't go on dates with somebody without kissing/having sex? It might be unorthodox to do it for months but that's neither here nor there. It doesn't matter what our definition is (and i'd use the same definition for 'seeing' as you would). But she knows that they've never kissed or held hands, far more than you or i do. She knows they aren't in a relationship. So there's no sense in focussing on the semantics of her post, when she knows more than anyone what their situation is.

The OP and this bloke could quite possibly have very different expectations due to her inability to recognise that dating for most people and quite possibly this man, involve things progressing at a faster pace than they are in this scenario.

I'd agree, except that he eventually did make a move, so presumably she was correct in originally assuming that they were 'dating' with the view of eventually hooking up, he was just a little slow about it. And 'progression' is a reciprocal thing; yeah, she didn't make a move, but neither did he, so there's not a lot of blame to attribute to any one person....

I didn't say it was all her fault actually.

Your whole original post was saying that it was her fault. "You think his behaviour was odd?", "maybe he decided he couldn't be arsed with what appears to be headwrecking mixed signals from you", "I'm amazed he's still around" "Ultimately you need to start acting like an adult". I'm not saying that she didn't have a part to play in creating the situation, but after months of zero progression while dating, you can't say that the guy didn't have a part to play too.

And you're right that rushing off after rebuffing him wasn't exactly helpful, but she says that she was enjoying things and was just nervous, therefore you could assume that if she can learn to relax more then things will progress.

And she isn't acting like an adult. She's posting on a message board about something that she should be discussing with him.

There's nothing wrong with a person posting on a Personal Issues forum about a personal issue If she's an adult, then she's acting like an adult, she's just acting differently than a different adult would. That's why she's asking for help and that's why the forum is here

And i'm not *that* drunk, i'm sober enough to read your posts properly, i was just trying to be charitable after you said my post was incoherent.

Anyway i'll leave it too, i don't want to drag things further off track, plus Christmas etc etc

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
I dont think I need to grow up - am bit mixed up is all and also I now realise some of my confusion is because he seems mixed up also. I genuinely like the guy. Think am scared to let things go further because I dont want to get attached to him and for it all to end.