How to bring up "the talk"

LegacyUser

I'm 28 and basically have been single my entire life. I've never really had a problem meeting men and have gone on plenty of dates but, in the past, its always fizzled out very early on. About 7 months ago I met this guy through work and to my surprise, I managed to get beyond the 3rd date! We generally meet up once or twice a week and go for a drink or see a movie. When we are together we act as a couple (holding hands, arms around each other) but its definitely not overly lovey dovey. So far, haven't met any of each others friends/families.

After 7 months tho, I really feel like I need to know where I stand with him. We've never discussed "us" or what all this spending time together actually means. Also, I'm not really clear on what the boundaries are regards meeting other people. I've kissed one person since I met him (which was shortly after I met him) and while I really don't think he's out there hooking up with loads of girls I suppose you can't be too sure (or naive maybe!?)

My issue anyway is that I have absolutely no idea how to bring this topic up. I'm dreadful at communication, I'm pretty shy and tend to get nervous easily. I especially clam up if I have to talk about feelings or emotions. Even though I know its totally irrational, I feel that bringing up the conversation of "us" will make me sound stupid or needy. Hes not exactly forthcoming when it comes to opening up either (I sometimes think we might be too similar). Alcohol won't relax me so bringing it up over a drink won't help. I just don't want to come across desperate or needy but I'm afraid that in trying to not appear like either of these, I'm coming across distant, aloof or uninterested.

Also, I'm not sure what it is I want him to say to me! I don't expect him to turn around and say he wants to marry me (I'd probably a mile if he said that) but at the same time, I feel there needs to be some sort of grounding or point to all of this. Is there a stage in a relationship that is between "dating" and the whole "in it for the long haul" part? I'm just totally useless when it comes to this sort of stuff but feel that at 28, I need to get a grip on things.

If he were to turn the tables on me and ask what I wanted I also wouldn't know what response to give beyond I like him, and I'd like to continue seeing him. But is that enough? I feel like there should be something else but I don't know what the something else is!

Sorry if my ramblings didn't make sense!

Liam Byrne

"The talk" is - to me - a horrible concept.

If you are together and enjoying it, stay together and stay enjoying it.

discus

Liam Byrne wrote: »

"The talk" is - to me - a horrible concept.

If you are together and enjoying it, stay together and stay enjoying it.

So, how do they know where they stand? What if she's looking for a monogamous relationship, but he's looking for lots of lovers?

LegacyUser

Invite him to meet your friends, they must have heard loads about him by now anyway! You'll be able to see from him reaction and how he behaves with your friends if he's pleased to be invited into your own social circle. If he likes it he might reciprocate with introducing you to some of his mates. If that all goes well maybe down the line you might try the same tack with family members, and so it goes. Theres no real need to sit down and have a big formal discussion. Just nudge it along and see how it plays out.

gypsy_rose

just say next time you're hanging out "so where do you think this is going?" if he doesn't ask you out you have your answer

Liam Byrne

Liam Byrne wrote: »

"The talk" is - to me - a horrible concept.

If you are together and enjoying it, stay together and stay enjoying it.

There has to be communication in a relationship. If you have a question thats burning away at you then you cant just bury your head in the sand and hope for the best. believe you me if communication doesnt exist then it is going nowhere. i know only too well.

Now to the OP dont get me wrong communication issues can be remedied but it requires one party to bite the bullet and the other to respond.

LegacyUser

Just be honest. Tell him you don't know whats going on and want clarification on things. That should start the conversation off