Child's father wants to be back in her life.Advice please

LegacyUser

My daughter is four and a half.Her father had been seeing her one to two times a month up until a year ago.Then he made no contact until last week to say that he had been through a very difficult time-lost his job,but that now he has a job and wants to be involved in her life again.(I had no contact details for him as he had changed his phone number and had moved without giving me them).I am concerned that this will happen again and about the impact this would have on my daughter.She is a happy,secure and lovely child and I don't want to jeopardise that.I'd like to hear people's perspectives who might be in a similar situation and who can give sound advice.

Curry Addict

from what you are saying, his contact with his daughter is conditional... ie. when he has a job. and when he doesnt have a job he doesnt have contact. id be wondering what other conditions are necessary. would he have contact on sunny days? or maybe only rainy days?
it sounds like hes not a very stable or consistent character. i wouldnt be happy with that and would resist contact. either hes all in her life or hes out imho.

mikemac1

Maybe he felt embarrassed and ashamed about losing his job and couldn't face you. Is he paying support?

A man who can't work and provide is no man at all sort of attitude

I'm not saying it's right, just some people think this. It's old fashioned

LegacyUser

He hasn't paid maintenance since he last saw her and prior to that for a year he paid a small amount.He mentioned that he was going through a rough time and mentioned that he felt our daughter hadn't bonded with him(which she hasn't)

tittle mouse

That is a horrible situation to be in OP. If it were me i would give him a second chance, everyone deserves one. If it works out your child gains a relationship with her dad. And if it doesnt she will know(in the future) the effort you made for her to have a relationship with her father.

I know if it doest work out that your little girl may get hurt but kids are resiliant and with a great mum who has her best interests at heart she will find a way to deal with it.

Unfortunately if you dont give him a second chance your daughter may resent you in the future ( she may think that being unemployed a plausable enough excuse not to see her) and that you were the one who stopped him seeing her.

At the end of the day OP you sound like a great mum and you will have to make a decision based on your gut feeling.

I hope it all works out for you and your child.

OkayWhatever

Would you tell him to wait a few months and see how things are then?

If he's still around and want's to be in your child's life then, give him a second chance. If he's not then you made the right decision for your daughter's sake.

If he wants to be in your child's life so bad then he'll have no problem waiting. If he gets back in it, he'll be in it for the long run so there's no rush.

My dad was in and out of my life when I was younger, one day he was meant to collect me he didn't arrive and I didn't see him for 3 years. One day he arrived back again. Even though I was young, It still messed with my head. It confused me because I was too young to understand what was going on.

He should have no problem waiting, I do think it's the best thing to do tbh.

Ickle Magoo

Hey Advice please,

As PI is a general advice forum, if you are looking specifically for advice from people having or have had similar experiences then you may find the Parenting forum useful.

Just give me (or any of the other forum mods) a shout if you wish the thread moved. :cool:

MsAllybear

awkward situation you're in... I'd automatically be biased here usually and go feck him (my mam raised 5 of us on her own, dad surfaced when we teenagers) but as someone said, everyone deserves a second chance, so maybe speak to him and tell him most important thing is your daughter and that he cant disappear out of her life whenever he feels like it, job or no job,, if you lost your job , you cant just up and leave her..

As for the bonding thing, how can he expect to bond with a child he never sees.. and esp after leaving for year! He'll nearly be starting fresh. He'd have to make a better effort with you and her, and tell him if he does this again, thats it (even if u dont mean it) but he needs to know.
i'd say think about it a little but whats most important is daughter.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.

Payton

By all means give him a second chance, but on your terms. He can't just stop seeing his child when he feels like it or not pay maintaince. Possibly get something done legally as regards custody and maintaince as personally I wouldn't be happy with him coming and going when he pleases.
The most important issue here is the child and youe ex is in a very lucky predicament that he is able to see his child, there are thousands of fathers who have no rights.

theg81der

I wouldn`t give him the chance to mess with your daughters head. Been through something like this as an adult and it was difficult enough can`t imagine how hard it is for a child. This is too important. Op I would make him pay maintanence and work for contact with his child otherwise he clearly doesn`t value it. He`s clearly not very realistic or fair if he expected the child to just warm to him - he`s a stranger where does he get off having expectations from her!!

Klingon Hamlet

As a single father I'd like to say this man sounds rather flaky. Why suddenly cut off contact when he lost his job? I cannot fathom why someone would cut off ties with their child...

You mentioned the child had not bonded with him. This is something I can understand. My son isn't overly affectionate when he's around both me and his mum's family. This is because they do nothing to nurture a relationship betweenhim and me...they won't even say "daddy" to him. just "say hello" or "say goodbye." Would there be anything lacking there? When he came to see her, would you leave them alone or be there in the background? Was it always at your place or outside in the fresh air with more openness? I only throw these questions at you to see if maybe something new would work to help them bond... Also, my friend has a daughter and she's very close with him until the mum shows up (they're married) and it's as if he's a complete stranger...kids are WEIRD

Finally, moneywise, he needs to contribute. Get him to sign a standing order form. When I was on the dole with barely a cent to my name I contributed more than many in jobs would pay. I do believe parenting is 50/50 though so he needs to give his time as well as his money.

OP to me you sound like you are worried he'll pop in and then back out of your daughter's life again. This is a valid source of concern. The man seems unpredictable and unreliable. But then again people change, and for your daughter's sake I would suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt.

Ask him does he want guardianship, because you can sign this off. It will be a very nice gesture, an offer of trust, one which may make a huge difference for your beloved daughter.

I wish you all the best, and have a lovely Christmas!

LegacyUser

Like a child who wants puppies for Christmas, this maybe a lonely bachelor who feels the urge to have two wide eyes looking up at him offerring pools of validation but once acquired the urge could quickly pass again.

My suggestion to you would be to wait until the season has passed, when people are not prone to such sentimentality, send him a parenting plan and a maintenance schedule to fill out. How he responds to this will be a good barometer of where he is with it and will give you all you need to know whether you should give him a second chance or not.

Chinafoot

The cynic in me says this man disappeared when he lost his job so he wouldn't have to contribute to his child's upbringing.

Do you have a court-ordered maintenance agreement or just an arrangement between yourselves? If it's the latter I would suggest you make arrangements for the former.

Who is to say he won't disappear again when you need him to contribute to her school costs?

Any many who can disappear from his child's life like that is not someone I would ever trust again. If he genuinely wanted to be part of his child's life, losing his job would never have stopped him. Blaming the lack of bonding is pathetic. How is he supposed to bond with her if he doesn't make the effort?

If it were me I would say no and when she is a bit older I would explain everything to her and let her decide if she wants to see him. He can't just pick her up and put her down when it suits him.