Lack of sex with bf

Dontcha

Hi all, I am a longtime lurker here and I would appreciate any advice offered.

Myself and my partner have been together nearly 4 years. I'm in my early 30s he is in his mid 30s. I love him dearly and we are very close but there are a couple of things missing in our relationship and despite loving him, I am not sure if I should stay.

The biggest issue for me is that sex is pretty much non-existent. We average about once every three or four weeks at the minute. Sometimes, when we're having a 'good' run of things, I might be so lucky as to have it once a week with him. I have brought this up with him so many times and he agrees it's a problem but won't do anything. I have done just about everything I could think of - buying sexy lingerie, trying sexy massages, sending him saucy texts to get him in the mood.

I am nearly always the one who suggests/initiates and am nearly always turned down (the constant rejection has really affected my self-esteem). He insists he still finds me attractive etc but he's just rarely in the humour. When he eventually gets around to trying to initiate sex it's either incredible awkward because it's been ages or I turn him down because it's very late at night (i.e. 2am) and he wakes me up when he has the horn expecting me to hop to it.

I have really become resentful of the fact that he expects me to go along with it when he wants to get it on and yet when I want to it's a bad idea. It also makes me feel like our sex life is in his control and I have no say over pretty much anything that does or doesn't happen.

Because of the lack of sex, I actually don't think I fancy him sexually anymore. I feel like I am living the life of an older couple who have been married for years and yet we haven't and it really upsets me.

When I try to talk with him about it he resolves that things will change but they never do. The infrequency of sex has been an issue since we began dating (back then I thought once a week was infrequent... !) and at this stage I am getting sick of going around in circles with me getting upset, us talking about it, him making promises and then me being disappointed again. I have given him so many opportunities to help me fix this - I am literally willing to try anything - but he just doesn't seem bothered. I used to be confident in myself, including in the bedroom with partners in the past, but now I feel horrible about myself and I can't help it. The constant rejection has taken its toll and while I love him I don't know how much longer I can handle this.

I have nights out regularly with my girlfriends and always get offers from randomers - while it's flattering I would never cheat, not in a million years. I just don't know what to do at this stage - should I break up with him and find someone who loves me AND wants to make love with me or should I stay where I am and be happy with my lot? He is a good man and very sweet and kind, but sometimes I don't think that's going to be enough for me long term.

Sorry for the length of the post folks.

Thanks in advance

Acoshla

OP you just described my exact relationship with my ex, note very importantly that he is my ex, as this was a huge part of it. By the time we broke up I thought I was grand, that this was how people were in general, feeling unattractive, I had zero self esteem and tbh my spirit was broken from the constant rejection. When I met my now fiancé I was loud and flirty in public, in private was a different story. I expected rejection, I expected to practically beg for affection and/or sex, and the realisation that the relationship I had been in was incredibly unhealthy was very upsetting, I cried for weeks because I was so angry that 4 years with him had given me such a depressing attitude to it all.

So this post probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but like you I tried and tried to change things, he'd say he'd make an effort and then nothing ever happened. I for some bizarre reason was doing what you're considering, sticking with him because he had all these other great points, when I should have been listening to the alarm bells. It took him asking for us to have a break for me to see the light, and I am so eternally glad that I left him.

ROFLcopter

I agree with sunflower27, I'm with my wife 10 years and we have sex at least 3 times a week. We also have 2 school going kids and still crave the action in between all the washing and cleaning, homework etc...

LegacyUser

I am in the exact same boat as you - and we've only been dating for a few months and its only ever been once a week. I always assumed men generally had higher sex drives, but with this new boyfriend, I am very aware that this is not always the case. Sorry I can't offer any advice, just wanted to say that you're not alone.

Payton

I noticed in your post that you say you love him dearly, but does he love you because you didn't mention it?
Maybe the relationship has run its course but can I ask a couple of things.
1, is he under any stress with work of family?
2, is he well and healthy?
3, is he on medication?
If as you say he has not changed his ways as promised, he's not going to change now. I think its time for the BIG chat about what you both want from this relationship.

BarackPyjama

You deserve better. Break up with him as soon as possible and find a man who appreciates you. Life's too short.

seeker11

I totally agree! OP, I understand you love so many things about him and noone is perfect. This is dragging you down and having an effect on your self esteem. You know you deserve better, its easy for us all to say though. If things don't improve, breaking up will be hard to do, but from a long term point of view you will feel happier and more free! And find someone who deserves you!

fungun

Have you asked him why he doesnt want it? And dont let him away with crappy answers, really need to understand this.
Also have you actually said to him you are so unhappy about this that you will leave if it is not fixed? If not, do.

And if he still isn't bothered and is unwilling to talk about it properly to help you understand, then Id leave; Id be unwilling to let something like this fester when he could do something but wont.

aidan24326

OP, he may just have a low sex drive and if that's the case there mightn't be a whole lot you can do about it. Most guys would be thrilled that their girlfriend was making such an effort as you do, with sexy lingerie and all the rest, and if he doesn't even respond to that then you might be flogging a dead horse.


You could make one last effort to get to the bottom of this, see if there is some other problem at play. But if he won't work with you and really make an effort to compromise and make a bit more of an effort to satisfy your needs then you should leave him. And tell him in no uncertain terms that that's what will happen if he doesn't start to take this problem seriously.

A0

I agree with On the verge. Does he love you? If yes, does he exercise regularly as this affect libido too (I know some people will say "I don't exercise but have a high sex drive", but...). Might be worth checking with his GP, asking for medical advice.
Lastly, food affects libido too.
As others said, you must talk to him and try to solve this together. Then, if he doesn't want to do something - try something you might have to leave.

Zen65

aidan24326 wrote: »

OP, he may just have a low sex drive and if that's the case there mightn't be a whole lot you can do about it.

This argument is often made when one person in a relationship feels they are not getting enough sex. I think it's a slightly odd argument. An employer would not excuse a lazy worker by saying "he just does not have a very high work drive".

In a committed, monogamous relationship each person is committing to be faithful to the other. This means they are taking responsibility to provide each other with enough love, security and intimacy to satisfy each other. As long as one partner does not have unreasonable demands for love, security & intimacy then surely the other partner should be expected to make a reasonable effort to meet their needs?

I don't mean that in the sense that either partner should allow themselves to be "used" by the other. A relationship is based around compromise, and that being so it is unreasonable and unfair that the sexual content of the relationship is "owned" and controlled by the person having the lower libido, be they man or woman.

For the OP, I think it's reasonable that she should feel able to ask her partner to satisfy her sexual desires even if he himself is not looking for sexual intercourse .... there are many ways he could do this (for another forum), all that is required from him is some effort. If he is unwilling to make that much effort for her satisfaction then I would have concerns about the underlying health of the relationship.


Be at peace,

Z

Kevin Duffy

OP, is there anything going on that he may feel emasculated by? Lost his job? Are you contributing more financially than he is, or just earning more? Anything at all like that?

miec

Hi Op

I was in your shoes 18months ago, my ex did not want as much sex as I did and I also knew that as the years passed by the sex would become even more infrequent, see the problem too was he was not affectionate in any sense outside of sex and with that being once a month well it was too hard for me, eventually we broke up, I have not really met anyone else since and my confidence is low now, but despite that I am glad I left him, it was not right for me and no matter how much self talk you do you will never be able to genuinely comprise with this. Personally I feel it best to honour our own needs To me it is humiliating throwing yourself at someone who pushes you away and no amount of talking, etc will alter their ways, not after four years. Maybe its time to find someone who appreciates you better.