Mother - in - Law did not include baby

aknitter

Could use a bit of help on this one!!
My mother in law who has not spoken to my husband, our 13 year old daughter or me since our wedding in 2010 has today sent our daughter (her granddaughter( (biological)) a card with €50 in it and nothing for our 8 month old son. She did not send us or him anything when he was born, contact us throughout the pregnancy or for his christening.
I want to send it back with a polite note saying thanks but the gift won't be accepted if she cuts our son. Actually my daughter will write the note and return it herself.
Other half wants us to keep the money and burn the card.
Any advise?

Noopti

I personally wouldn't have my 13 year old daughter write the card back, don't see why she should be involved in this.

I would simply return the card and money back, and say nothing.

Oryx

What does your 13 year old think about this? And if you dont mind saying, what is the reason behind this cut off?

Daisy M

Please do not involve your daughter it would be really unfair. Your baby doesnt know the difference and while it is horrible not to include him it wont hurt his feelings. I think your husband should be the one to have the final decision it is his mother. Time has a great ability to heal lots of wounds, this may be your mother in law way of trying to start contact.

CarMe

I wouldn't involve your daughter but I'd certainly return the card and money.

Nuttzz

Whats your 8 month old going to do with €50??

Seriously though perhaps its a first step towards wanting to reconcile?

bbam

Send back a thank you card explaining you divided the money evenly and put it into savings for both of your children as this would be fairer than one getting all and the other nothing..

Tazium

Is she making an effort to resolve things through this gesture? She hasn't spoken to any of you, but have any of you make an effort to speak to her? Does she know about the new baby?

Why not pick up the phone, have your daughter say thanks to her grandmother for the gift and ask her if it's ok to split it with her new brother? (rubs it in, in that irritating kind of way)

I'm not advocating the 'niceness' of Christmas spirit or forgiveness etc etc. But sending anything after such a lengthy spell of nothing is some progress right?

Have a happy Christmas anyway, and don't let whatever you decide affect your own happiness with your children.

Gareth2011

The heading to this thread is very misleading. I had visions of the mother-in-law actually cutting the baby.

Moonbeam

aknitter - I changed the thread title to be a bit less misleading.

Ophiopogon

I grew up in something kind of similar. My sister stood up for me when she was 14 , she did not want anyone rejecting/ignoring her little sister(me) and she felt she had the right to be involved even at her young age.

If it were me I would send it back, with a (polite) note stating that both children are to be recognised or there will be no realionship. It would be best (from my own experience) that the line is clearly stated, as in there could be direct and constant contact with both children or no contact at all. The odd xmas card(agian from my own experience) is haflhearted even to a child.

On whether to involve your daughter, If she wants to be involved than I would let her. Although I would still write the note yourself and if the situation arises she could speak herself to her grandmother about it.

daltonmd

aknitter wrote: »

Could use a bit of help on this one!!
My mother in law who has not spoken to my husband, our 13 year old daughter or me since our wedding in 2010 has today sent our daughter (her granddaughter( (biological)) a card with €50 in it and nothing for our 8 month old son. She did not send us or him anything when he was born, contact us throughout the pregnancy or for his christening.
I want to send it back with a polite note saying thanks but the gift won't be accepted if she cuts our son. Actually my daughter will write the note and return it herself.
Other half wants us to keep the money and burn the card.
Any advise?

Very difficult situation.

My advice, send back the card and the money with a polite letter. Explain to your mother in law that you are a complete family unit and wish to be treated and respected in such a way. Tell her you have no problem with her seeing or speaking to yourself, your hubby and your children but would prefer if she did not try, after ignoring your 13 year old for over a year, to isolate her and cause her confusion in her formative years.
You could say that you are trying to set a good example and appreciate the token, but contact and a good relationship between you all is what is important.
While you do not want to involve your daughter, she should not have isolated her in such a way and you are not wrong in wanting to protect her from this feud.Either your mother in law respects your whole family unit or simply stays away.

aknitter

Thanks a lot, won't involve our daughter at all, but she is really annoyed and wants to get stuck in her self! She loves her brother and won't stand for this - though I know she wants to keep the money.
Its not the money thats the problem at all, its that she sent a gift to one and not the other.
This is in no way an opportunity to reconcile, his birth would have been the perfect place for this and I really tought she'd come around - of her own 2 children it was always "Her boy" who was the favourite so I thought her boys boy would be too much of a draw. But not to be.
As for why she's not talking to us - thats a long story but it came to a head on our wedding day when she refused to sit at the top table with us and instead sat at another table with her back to us the whole time. My husband was furious and said no more contact unless she called us, which she hasn't
Sorry for the misleading title I was in a rush and peed off!!
I have decided to wait until the next post after christmas and if there is nothing for the baby I will return the card & money with a polite note saying thanks but we will not accept the gift if she is not going to recogise the baby.
I hope it puts her in her place andgets the point accross, she treats my sister in law and her kids as she pleases (you would think I was making it up!) but she's dealing with me now.

SillyMcCarthy

Nuttzz wrote: »

Whats your 8 month old going to do with €50??

Seriously though perhaps its a first step towards wanting to reconcile?

I would agree with the above.

You don't say why though the Mother in Law wasn't talking?

crazy cat lady

Life is so short and family is such a precious thing. I don't know all the inns and outs as to why your mother in law and your husband don't speak, but maybe now is the time to let bygones be bygones and put the past behind you.

I can't imagine a day when my daughter wont speak to me. If that day ever comes, it will be a very sad one, and I like to think that either one or both of us woul dbe grown up enough to want to reconcile.

How much effort have you or your husband made to make contact with your mother in law? Did you let her know about the arrival of your son? Maybe excluding him is her way of makng a point of saying 'well you didnt tell me, how would I know!'. Thats not to say that she doesn't want a part in her grandsons life, she's just waiting to be invited.

Instead of focussing on the card, look at the bigger picture. Your mother in law has made an effort, even if its not the one you wanted. I assume its still more of an effort than you or your husband have made? Do you want a relationship with the woman? If so make it happen. A telephone call to say thank you and Merry Christmas is the perfect opportunity.

Life really is too short for regrets. This could be one regret you could avoid.

Hope this helps and Merry Christmas

Daisy M

crazy cat lady wrote: »

Life is so short and family is such a precious thing. I don't know all the inns and outs as to why your MIL and your husband don't speak, but maybe now is the time to let bygones be bygones and put the past behind you.

I can't imagine a day when my daughter wont speak to me. If that day ever comes, it will be a very sad one, and I like to think that either one or both of us woul dbe grown up enough to want to reconcile.


Life really is too short for regrets. This could be one regret you could avoid.

Hope this helps and Merry Christmas

I just couldnt agree more, a lot of arguments in families is learned behaviour and goes on from one generation to the next. Believe me I have plenty of good reason not to speak to some of my inlaws and indeed my own mother but for my childrens sake I put a face on it.

January

Mod Note:
Could everyone please stop using abbreviations such as DD/DH/MIL. Some people do not understand what they mean. Please read the charter.

Darragho

Firstly I should think your Daughter should not be involved in the sorry saga at all, Teenager or not she is still a child and does not need to be involved in an adult dispute, yes I appreciate she is upset that her younger sibling has been excluded however she is a child and life is hard and time will come when she grows into adulthood and she will have enough disputes in life without her being introduced to this at such a young age.

I suspect the token from your mother in law is an act of reconciling and should perhaps be treated as such sending the gift back is only going to cause further hassle.

Life is hard not always rosy in the garden as we would like but we all some way or other have family issues.

I would like to wish you and your Family peace and happiness for Christmas and 2012.

wolfpawnat

A lot of people say life is too short, and to build bridges. If you have tried and it has not succeeded then don't waste any more of this precious life thinking about it. You have 2 children, not 1. If the Mother-In-Law cannot accept that, then she should not be allowed any contribution in the children's lives. It is unfair to place one above the other, even if one is only an infant!!!!

As for involving your daughter, you could explain to her what has happened and what you are going to do about it. At 13 she will understand. But whether or not you want to do that is up to yourself.

I am a friend

Its your husbands mother so its up to him to deal with this.. Certainly do not include your daughter

Hannibal Smith

Myself and my mother don't get on at all. We fall out all the time and pretty badly sometimes too. But she would NEVER send one of my kids something and not the other. That is a bad thing to do. And I know others in the thread are saying life is short, but to me sending your daughter something and not even acknowledging your son, is a nasty thing to do.

I do like the idea some one else came up with of keeping the money for both children and sending her a note saying you've split it between the two. That way you can't be blamed for being hardfaced by sending the money back, but you're getting your point across about your son.

gizmorox

aknitter wrote: »

Could use a bit of help on this one!!
My mother in law who has not spoken to my husband, our 13 year old daughter or me since our wedding in 2010 has today sent our daughter (her granddaughter( (biological)) a card with €50 in it and nothing for our 8 month old son. She did not send us or him anything when he was born, contact us throughout the pregnancy or for his christening.
I want to send it back with a polite note saying thanks but the gift won't be accepted if she cuts our son. Actually my daughter will write the note and return it herself.
Other half wants us to keep the money and burn the card.
Any advise?

I would really question why your mother in law has done this? sounds like she has a problem with you,she may be trying to hint that she doesn't believe your baby to be her biological grandchild,best bet would be to send a thank you card with picture of both children stating that you've divided money between them,wouldn't be a bad idea either to invite her round for dinner/coffee and be so nice to her that she feels guilty for not having contact with her family sooner

gizmorox

gizmorox wrote: »

I would really question why your mother in law has done this? sounds like she has a problem with you,she may be trying to hint that she doesn't believe your baby to be her biological grandchild,best bet would be to send a thank you card with picture of both children stating that you've divided money between them,wouldn't be a bad idea either to invite her round for dinner/coffee and be so nice to her that she feels guilty for not having contact with her family sooner

And maybe you could write a short letter saying that you hope to put the past behind you both,a fresh start,no judgements/accusations from the past.

JimsAlterEgo

is there something we are not being told, why is the granddaughter biological and not the grandson? Is this part of the reason for the not talking?

username123

aknitter wrote: »

She did not send us or him anything when he was born, contact us throughout the pregnancy or for his christening.

Does she know about your son 'officially' - as in, have you told her ourselves, or does she just know through hearsay of other relations? Is she somehow trying to make the point that as she hasnt been told, he doesnt exist?

pawrick

As outsiders without knowing the reason for the feud we can only guess and suggest that it appears to be a first step at making contact once again. Sometimes even if something causes us frustration we need to be the bigger person and over look slights perceived or otherwise.

Also please try not to involve your children in this, even the fact that your 13year old is already annoyed points to a forever tainted relationship with her grandmother and possibly that side of the family. A lot can be said for not complaining about people in front of children and that applies to both sides here, your step mother has been very immature in taking her issues out on your children but they should really not be put in to the middle of what amounts to an adult disagreement what ever the reason for it may be.

Anyhow hope it works out and you can all work things out.