Bullied by the county football hero

LegacyUser

Going unreg'ed as I'm a frequent boards poster here.

I'm in my 30s now but very often recall severe bullying I endured in secondary school at the hands of one guy in particular. I would never have been an assertive, confident person and would have been the quiet, gentle type which no doubt made me a target. The humiliation and feeling of being pathetic and unable to stand up for myself to him affected me so much, that I completely withdrew from social interaction for all of my secondary school years with anyone for fear of bringing any sort of attention on myself which could/would be an opportunity for further mental torture (and sometimes physical) from my tormentor. (I didn't know I was doing that then as it is only on reflection now that I think that is why I withdrew). I suppose the only thing that kept me going back then was having such a good loving family (even though I couldn't tell any of them what was going on - I guess I just felt too humiliated and ashamed even though I knew then it was not my fault. I have mentioned it somewhat in my adult years to them but not my parents. I don't want to make them upset now about things that happened in the past).

While this torment occurred 20 or more years ago, it still plays a significant part of my adult life as I feel I lost crucial social development skills during my formative teen years which now results in me having difficulty forming relationships (platonic) with other people. I see how others easily gel in group environments whereas I tend to be the outsider. Some people who I do get close to sometimes have admitted that I come across as aloof and standoffish (which is ironically the very last thing I want to be).

It hasn't been all bad for me since however. I was lucky to move away to go to university and made some fantastic friends and subsequently more friends and met a wonderful partner during my 20s who I'm very much still with, in love with and have shared this story with. I am so grateful for this but I can't get rid of the feelings of anger and pain as to why I had to endure this terrible bullying when I was younger and anger at how it still affects me today (ie my personality, my ability at work, my anxiety and lack of confidence). I know I can't blame this tormentor for everything that goes wrong in my life but I still occasionally feel anger at the injustice of what I had to go through as a teen.

One reason for this is because my tormentor has become a senior football county player who is often on TV, media, papers and hailed as a hero. He has a successful business and his recent wedding was all over the papers. I know it's irrational but I feel such anger that he seems to have everything going great in his life. I hate the way when I see his name and footage of him that it brings back all those painful memories. I wish he was someone I never heard of or saw again like would be the case with most others that you would have gone to school with. Karma doesnt' seem to work with some people - they always have it good. When I see his face if I open a sports page, it still brings a chill to me.

I'm not sure if I'm writing this looking for help or just getting it off my chest but is there any advice on how not to let this person still affect me even if I turn on the TV and see him staring back at me while he receives yet another sporting accolade? Thanks for reading this rather long post.

Beruthiel

OP
You really need to go talk to a professional in order to get help to get on with your life.

curlzy

Ah that sucks OP, it's hard to see someone that treated you so badly getting ahead. Now I know this is a long shot but is there any chance you could approach him now and tell him what he did to you and ask for an apology? I'd say that would go along way to helping you move on. Alot of times people are deeply ashamed of the things they did as a child and would be glad to apologise.

Imhof Tank

victim of bullying wrote: »

such a good loving family (even though I couldn't tell any of them what was going on - I guess I just felt too humiliated and ashamed even though I knew then it was not my fault. I have mentioned it somewhat in my adult years to them but not my parents. I don't want to make them upset now about things that happened in the past).

.

Have you considered that this might be the root of your problem OP - lack of support at home in your early years?

I mean to say, you describe your family as loving, yet you were unable to open up to them when it mattered - something was missing/ preventing you from doing so and I think you should look at your parents in that regard.

You do need to move on as advised above though, with professional counselling if necessary.

Scruffles

Beruthiel wrote: »

OP
You really need to go talk to a professional in order to get help to get on with your life.

seconding this.
profesional help is needed to help see how to let go and release from this part of life, bullying can totaly eat peoples minds up so for some people CBT and councilling may be what they need.

as a fellow target of vicious bullying at school,had randomly met the bullies in adulthood and all but one was apologetic and very different to how they were as kids and teens,the other one was a total bitch,am asexual but she even thought a support staff that was with was a boyfriend and began shouting loudly to a friend of hers about having a boyfriend/how nice he was/how they are planning on getting married,she also got her mate to stare as well-childish bellend.
the others all had kids and seemed to be very caring mums and dads.

bullies generaly learn to think for themselves as they get into adulthood and unless they lack empathy they will regret what they did.
some bullies are messed up;they become fully fledged pyschopaths, borderline personality disordered or otherwise mentaly disordered but that is a part of life-they will get caught up with at some point.

woud speaking to the bullies be a release perhaps?
even finding them on facebook as opposed to face to face.

Fentdog84

One thing you could do..go to one of the rag newspapers, and name him and shame him.We'll see how much of a hero he is then. Also it would help raise awareness for bullying and similiar issues.

MitchKoobski

Fentdog84 wrote: »

One thing you could do..go to one of the rag newspapers, and name him and shame him.We'll see how much of a hero he is then. Also it would help raise awareness for bullying and similiar issues.

Oh yeah thats great, try and attempt to ruin a man's life over something he did over 20 years ago as a teenager. You can't honestly be serious?
OP seek out some professional help in order to move on. I doubt he's the same man he was over 20 years ago.

Fentdog84

MitchKoobski wrote: »

Oh yeah thats great, try and attempt to ruin a man's life over something he did over 20 years ago as a teenager. You can't honestly be serious?
OP seek out some professional help in order to move on. I doubt he's the same man he was over 20 years ago.

Well it is an option, thats all Im saying. And this man did, from what i gather ruined the OP's life.If a guy abused someone as a teenager should the victim just leave the guy alone and leave him to his life because ''it was 20 years ago and it something he did when he was a teenager''? Sure not quite the same thing but not that far off either, similiar trauma.

MitchKoobski

Fentdog84 wrote: »

Well it is an option, thats all Im saying. And this man did, from what i gather ruined the OP's life.If a guy abused someone as a teenager should the victim just leave the guy alone and leave him to his life because ''it was 20 years ago and it something he did when he was a teenager''? Sure not quite the same thing but not that far off either, similiar trauma.

Christ almighty, bullying amongst kids and abuse are two VERY different things! Nevermind "not quite the same thing".
This was bullying that happened over 20 years ago when they were in school. As someone said above in their own experience, more than likely if he confronted the man personally about it now, he would get an apology and the man would be remorseful. He's not gonna turn around and say "Yeah so what?".

You're advising the OP to just go to some rag of a paper and tell as many people as possible to name and shame him for bullying that occurred over 20 years ago between kids, not even bothering to think it would make more sense to talk to the man himself about it first and see what he says. And if the OP did go a paper, it would just reek of someone trying to make money from a story.

Speaking to the bully would be recommended, but seek professional help above anything if it is still a problem 20 years on.

Fentdog84

MitchKoobski wrote: »

Christ almighty, bullying amongst kids and abuse are two VERY different things! Nevermind "not quite the same thing".
This was bullying that happened over 20 years ago when they were in school. As someone said above in their own experience, more than likely if he confronted the man personally about it now, he would get an apology and the man would be remorseful. He's not gonna turn around and say "Yeah so what?".

You're advising the OP to just go to some rag of a paper and tell as many people as possible to name and shame him for bullying that occurred over 20 years ago between kids, not even bothering to think it would make more sense to talk to the man himself about it first and see what he says. And if the OP did go a paper, it would just reek of someone trying to make money from a story.

Speaking to the bully would be recommended, but seek professional help above anything if it is still a problem 20 years on.

Im not advising or telling the OP to go a paper about this Im saying its something that he COULD do if he so wished. The range of options are speak to a professional, speak to family or friends, speak to the guy, do nothing.. or ..what i said.Sure unlikely he would be willing do it or is it the best thing to do but it is something he could do, thats all. The reason he posted was to get different opinions and options on what he could do about this and i just gave another one. And i dont appreciate your shouting-down tone or trivialising ''bullying between kids''

mikemac1

I think this guy has forgotton what even happened. Sorry to say but you were nothing to him, he didn't have an ounce of respect for you. If you approach him now I'd say he doesn't even know your name.
Maybe approaching him would be a release but I think you should go to a professional.


Also a few months back the Ladies Lounge did a thread about how bullying affected people now that they were older

The Gentlemans Club forum copied it and it was a fantastic thread, lots of posters opening up about their experiences

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=73408299

Give it a read anyway, I think you may find something there you can relate to

victim of bullying wrote: »

Karma doesnt' seem to work with some people - they always have it good.

Forget about this, it's no more then a crutch. Often people like yourself get walked over and the cocky arrogant people succeed.
Karma does not exist

LegacyUser

Imhof Tank wrote: »

Have you considered that this might be the root of your problem OP - lack of support at home in your early years?

I mean to say, you describe your family as loving, yet you were unable to open up to them when it mattered - something was missing/ preventing you from doing so and I think you should look at your parents in that regard.

You do need to move on as advised above though, with professional counselling if necessary.

This is interesting.

I was also bullied and isolated in school, over years. As I was a girl, it was physical, but I was mimiced, teased, excluded, made fun of... to the point that by my mid-teens, when the bullying was naturally easing off, I was too paranoid to hold conversations or make many friends. For some reason, I haven't held my tormentors accountable. Sometimes I wonder if that's because I've blanked out some of the fear and humiliation... I remember it obviously, but I don't feel it now (although it has of course had a huge influence on who I am). I'm the same age group as you BTW... Also, I think that my tormentors were nine, or eleven or fourteen year olds - and I'd make pretty short shrift of a kid like that now, so how can I let a kid ruin my life?
Those kids don't even exist anymore. Neither does your abuser.
I realise that's a rational response - I have still internalised the messages I picked up as a child, but I suppose that helps me not separate the abuse from the abusers as they are now. Unfortunately, as poster above said, there is no karma. Also this man could probably be a nice person now.
A few years a go, I read a book called 'Radical Forgiveness', - try it?

Also, as I've become an adult, I've read up on bullying and enquired into why certain kids are bullied and some aren't. That's why I think Imhof Tank is making a good point. Kids needs to learn about their own personal boundaries from a very young age. It's something they pick up almost unconsciously with the right parenting. I'm sure you came from a very loving home, but something was missing. Perhaps, like me, you felt an unconscious desire to appear perfect to your parents? On some level, they were feeding into that as well? - just an idea. Of course, I don't want to take the responsibility from the bully to the bullied, but there is a lot of complex stuff in every childhood. I would recommend getting some books on childhood bullying and re-examining it all that way. It might help you deal with your feelings towards this man.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the comments posted. I have found them really helpful and in some cases quite eye opening for me. The whole exploration of early childhood environment and relationship with my parents is certainly one I wouldn't mind digging a bit deeper into. I possibly put them on too high of a pedastal in that even now I feel certain things I do, I still need their permission/approval or else I feel guilty. How it translates into being a more likely victim of bullying, I'm not sure. I might check out a few of those books mentioned.

Counselling is something I have put off (for whatever reason, I'm unsure) but is something I will try to do in 2012. My partner and other close friends have suggested the same in the past. Now I need to take the next step.

Also, while I have thought about it in the past, I think having a face to face with the bully may not achieve anything. It could be the same as a jilted lover meeting their ex a few years later and telling them how cruel they were to dump them. Is that really going to be productive for them or me?

Finally, revenge or naming/shaming is not going to give me closure or solve my inner issues so is not a route I will go down.

Thank you so much for your replies and taking the time to respond. It makes me feel good right now to know that for however many bullies there are out there, there are a lot more decent, kind people like you all. Have a great Christmas.

Maple

Best of luck OP, I hope 2012 will be the year you resolve these issues.

Thread closed

Maple