Need advice re. meeting my girlfriend tonight to talk about the future

LegacyUser

Been dating my other half for 20 months. She's 25 and I'm 29. We've had a very fast paced relationship for the start so have been through more than most couples after 20 months. About 6 months ago, things started to deteriorate due to my jealousy and even though I promised to work on it, I never really did until about 2 months ago when (and she'd agree), I made some massive discoveries about why I was feeling the way I was and this helped me to get over it. I'm still not there but certainly getting there. At the time when our relationship was worst (about 2 months ago), we went on a short break and when I was trying to win her back, I told her that I wanted to try and live together. We went back to our old ways and there was an underlying tone of having never sorted things fully. It all came to a head this weekend when we had a massive bust up and decided to take a few days apart.

We're meeting tonight to talk about everything. These few days apart have made me realise that I want her in my life and I will literally do anything and give up anything to make that work. I have cleared out a wardrode and a couple of drawers in my apartment to show her that I want to move this to the next step. I don't want to beg her or make promises she's already heard tonight. I texted her Monday saying I'd do anything to make this work and she replied saying she was sick of hearing "I mean business", "I will work on it" and "clean slate". She seems very angry with me and I wouldn't blame her as I have failed on promises several times before.

I've never felt that I wanted to live together before (even during fights and time apart) but now I do. I know I want this and I just want the chance to make it happen. She is honestly the most special thing in my life and I never want to spend a day without her. I know this all makes us sound like we're in an unstable relationship and in many ways that's true but neither of us have ever loved someone as much as each other.

How can I diffuse the anger she has towards me and convince her that I'm worth one last chance?

Beruthiel

Be honest. Speak from the heart.

For the future, real effort has to be made.
Someone promising the earth and not following through will not be trusted when the next bunch of false promises come along.

silly

Dont hold back on emotion tonight, bare your soul to this girl, let her see how being apart affects you. Be understanding to how she is feeling, it seems you might have hurt her alot with false promises, let her know that you understand why she is fed up with it all.
Be honest. Dont fcuk up.

Best of luck op.

floorpie

lastchancesaloon wrote: »

I've never felt that I wanted to live together before (even during fights and time apart)...

If you felt like this for the 2 years, then she was probably keenly aware that you felt it, so ye'll have to make it clear that, assuming she wants to progress, you genuinely do too.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for all the replies so far. Some great advice.

Question: Should I try to do most of the talking? I'm concerned that if I let her talk too much, she'll start airing her concerns and make it harder for her to see us together. How do I direct the conversation towards postive tones?

magoko101

If she has concerns then listen to them.... trying to steer it to more positive tones may very well give her the impression that you aren't taking her feelings serious. Listen to her... it's about both of you being together and working together. Not just you fixing something and then everything will be ok.

Best of luck btw!

LegacyUser

I definitely wouldn't try and dominate the conversation OP. She needs to know that you're willing to listen to her concerns about the relationship too. Let her talk as much as she likes/needs to and then just let her know that you have some very important things you want to say to her. If she knows you're listening to her, she'll have a lot more respect for you and more hope for the future of your relationship.

Very best of luck with it!

Neyite

I would also suggest that you need a time plan on certain issues - be willing to set a deadline. She has heard all the promises, now you both need to set achievable targets and plan them the way you would at work, with review deadlines, targets, milestones and so on.

So for instance setting a deadline for moving in together - how long would it take you to get the deposit+first months rent together, (eg. 2 months,) how much notice do you both need to give where you are at the moment (eg. 1 month) So suggest that you review your savings plan for that after 1 month, and she knows thats the deadlines, and sees you working to achieve them.

I am a friend

It sounds to me that you are only making these moves so you don't lose her. Is your heart really in it?

LegacyUser

She can move in tonight if she wants- it's my own place.

My heart is 100% in it. She's all I think about and she makes me a better person. I'm an asshole for not taking heed the other times she's warned me and even though she (and probably everyone here) thinks this time is no different, I want you last opportunity to show her that it is.

LegacyUser

Then be prepared to give it your all. It sounds like shes on the brink of walking out the door and it sounds like she'd have no reason not to if theres been a history of false promises, and her telling you how she feels and you ignoring her. You need to listen to her. Not just hear her words and tell her what she wants to hear in response. If your serious about the relationship things will need to be worked on. Moving in together, either tonight or next year isnt going to make everything ok. There will still be problems and arguements if the fundamental reasons behind them havnt changed.

Maple

OP has not been back to this thread in a week, therefore I am closing it.

Maple