Mother's excessive worrying

LegacyUser

My mother worries about me excessively and I really don't know what I can do about it. According to family it seems that she has always been a little overly anxious and I knew this but the last couple of years have gotten ridiculous.

I'm a 21 yr old girl, student, living away from home, one older brother who lives abroad and has never had these problems. I think the whole issue started when I was a teenager. I never went through that rebellious phase teenagers do despite the fact my parents were quite strict. I was always quite happy to plod along, assuming that this would make things easier when i got older, ya know, if I prove I'm responsible they'll trust me easier when I'm an adult. It worked to a certain extent with my Dad but as far as I can gather it has just added to my mothers image of me as an oversized baby.

I have had some difficult times in the last few years. I have made some mistakes and some bad decisions. There have been plenty of times I've been lazy, mean, stubborn etc. and I was fine with this, I have faults and I need to strive to be better but I wouldn't give it much thought. Too my mother this means that I'm an utter failure as a human being.

My mother doesn't (or at least claims not to) sleep more than 4 or 5 hours on a good night but usually about 3. I know this could be a huge exaggeration but my father generally agrees that she is awake all night. She is up worrying. She is always tired and irritable and it is becuase of me, she has told me this. She has had anxiety attacks about me and it has effected her heart so badly the had to put and internal monitor in. She hates her job, has done for years, and was going to resign this year but decided not to because I didn't do well in college last year and she is worried I will fail this one.

I have a false persona when I'm around her because I know how much my real one would upset her. I can't talk to her about anything, she picks up on this and worries so then I try telling her things that I think couldn't possibly upset her but they still do. If I say I'm going out it's a prob because I don't study enough, if I say
I haven't been in while she thinks I fallen out with all my friends. I told her I had a boyfriend yesterday which is what really brought this to a head. First she seemed pleased (he's my 1st bf). But then she found plenty of fault. He's 21 (which I thought was a good thing because when I mentions my male friend was 23 he became a sleazy old rapist in her head) so that means he's immature, he's from Dublin so she sees a street-wise pimp, but the real problem she has is that he dropped out of college and now works. I dropped out of a course myself when i was 18 but him dropping out means he's a lay about who only wants me to fail too. And while I'm well versed on contraception she's never talked to me about it, she used to occasionally talk about being safe but yesterday she "forbade" me to have sex before marriage.

I know I'm sort of rambling but I'm just trying to explain how ridiculous this is getting. I hate it so much I spend all my time worrying about how much she's worrying but I used to be such a carefree person. it has had a noticeable effect on my confidence and self esteem because I now question every decision (good or bad) and mistake I've ever made, and hating myself for it. Last year (while living abroad) it got so bad I thought about disappearing and starting a new life so she'd think I was dead and finally stop worrying. I have talked to a therapist about it but to no joy. The thing I think that hurts the most is the lack of trust and the fact that I'm actually pretty pleased with my life most of the time but apparently that counts for nothing, I'm a failure whether I like it or not. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Curry Addict

your mother is projecting all of her issues onto you. its a coping mechanism for her. she worries and frets about you so she doesnt have to face her own issues and worries.
maybe try getting your father onside and he or both of ye can explain to her how its smothering and oppressive.
your mother needs help with this.

tinkerbell

OP, I suggest that you tell your mother nothing from now on. If she asks why, tell her you are sick of the OTT behaviour and it's affecting you now in a bad way and you are fed up of it. Her blaming you for her health issues is a nasty rotten thing to do. She is the one with the problem, she needs to go see someone about her issues.

As for her thinking she can forbid a 21 year old from having sex, she is seriously deluded. Nothing good can come from telling her anything. If this is having such a serious impact on you that you figured it'd be an idea to run off somewhere so she'll think you're dead, then there's a serious problem.

I don't think anyone can deal with stuff like that - I think you need to speak to your father and distance yourself from your mother until she gets help. But I still would tell her nothing. You said yourself stuff which shouldn't worry her does, so you really can tell her nothing.

Miss Fluff

Agree with Tinkerbell on telling this woman absolutely nothing. Any morsel of information will be twisted and used against you anyway so I would literally tell her nothing. She also quite clearly needs medical help and psychiatric assessment so you should talk to your Dad about urging her to go and see her GP.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, you're mother sounds much like my mother. I also had a rebellious period as a teenager - and with a mother like that, who wouldn't? My mother then spent my later teenage years accusing me of causing her heart palpitations. But eventually when she went to the doctor, she was told that was a common side effect of the menopause! I've met two other adults in my life who's mothers had 'heart palpitations' as well. Very convenient.

You need to be very careful here, as she will give you so many messages telling you how incompetent you are, and undermining your choices. Even when you think you are aware of it, you will still end up internalising her doubt and guilt tripping. When I was younger I swung between rebelling and treating her cruelly, and then feeling guilt and falling back into listening to her fearful, negative guidance. You should be proud of yourself for rebelling. My brother never rebelled against my mother and she has damaged his life very badly with her controlling ways and fear.

I'm torn between agreeing with the other posters here who say just let her know nothing about you, and between saying you should establish firm boundaries like an adult e.g. talk to her calmly, politely but straight - if she gets starts about something, say "I'm fine. But is this about me or about your worry?" or whatever. On the one hand, having calm but firm boundaries is the only way to maintain any quality of relationship with someone like that. On the other hand, to engage with her at all is to risk manipulation, and I'm not sure I could have handled that at 21. It's a struggle even years later.

Just remember, her worry and her guilt-making and all that is about her, not you. You're doing fine, do not take on it. Remember also that she is responsible for own actions, so don't make excuses for her even in your mind. Her behaviour is disgraceful and it's a pity your father won't protect you from it.

curlzy

Wow OP,

First of all you are not a failure of a human being, you sound like a well behaved 21 year old with her head on right, so well done for that.

I agree that your mother is projecting all of her sh*te onto you, what a b*tch. Wow, I really would stay well well well away from her if I were you. You should read a book called Toxic Parents. I assume you realise she's full of sh*te right? Well I hope you do, you don't deserve how she's going on at all. So yeah as hard as it is I would be cutting contact with her as much as possible. Some people are poison and unfortunatly sometimes those people are parents, don't let her poison you against yourself.

Myself and my mother have a very complicated relationship, we get on brilliantly now but that's because I stood up to her. She used to act similar to your mother and it was very very very upsetting. It's hard to not believe them when someone is ranting about you being crap. So anyway yeah I took a very simple approach when she started her crap I'd simpley say "I'm not listening to your poison" and then I'd hang up or walk away, it took a couple of times and then she stopped. She realised that she would loose me for good if she didn't stop using me as her whipping boy.

Be strong OP, don't take her crap on board, remember all your wonderful qualities and just tell her to go f*ck herself from now on. It's up to her and your Dad if she wants to get help, it's not your job OP so I wouldn't go down that road.

Best of luck.

Fentdog84

I think if your mother should be worried about anything, it should be that she could lose her relationship with her daughter because of the way she treats you. What she is doing is controlling you and manipulating you. her continously putting you down and inventing fantasies in her head about things going wrong and you end up feeling like the loser. its working.

You basically need to stand up and let her know clearly that you are an adult now and you wont tolerate anymore of her behaviour. You have a bf now, will you be able to put up with her snide comments about him, particularily as the relationship progresses? She is either a very cunning or else troubled individual who controls everyone around them by keeping them on a knife edge. (Id imagine she does the same to your dad?). So you need to have a serious talk with her, a prepared speech I reckon, so you can get out what you really want to say without her twisting things back around and dominating you. You made need to even cut/reduce contact with her for a while until she is willing to start copping herself on. And oh, yes, stop telling her stuff! Good luck

Taltos

I too believe you need to talk to her however I would take a slightly different approach.
Basically I would print out your post above as an example and first sit down with your father.

I would then lay it all out for him and tell him you need his support in tackling this sensitive issue with your mother. Ask for his advice but tell him that either it is sorted or for your own health you may be forced to severly reduce contact or even cut her out of your life.

Why this approach? Well from what you have written if someone came to me with those concerns and examples about my wife well I would be really worried. Yes, maybe your mother is living through you somehow, but maybe she also needs to talk to a professional with the loving support of her family behind her. Otherwise this constant stress will impact her health - and her failure to take full responsibility for herself will push all those she cares about away.

Look - you are in no way responsible for what she is coming out with. No matter what she believes she is living her life in the manner she chooses. You can only do the same. Your father though maybe is best placed to get her whatever help she needs and is also best placed to tell her to cop on to herself.

Is there risk in this approach - yes - they could both gang up on you. But if they do then cut them out - you will know in your own mind you tried your best, it will not be your fault if they continue to live in denial.

Best of luck OP.

Zen65

ulirew wrote: »

Last year (while living abroad) it got so bad I thought about disappearing and starting a new life so she'd think I was dead and finally stop worrying.

Hi OP,

I expect this part of your post was just a rant as I'm sure you realise that disappearing would have the opposite effect on your mother altogether - she'd simply be unable to cope.

I empathise with your plight as my own mother was very much inclined to play the "worry" card all of the time when she was alive, long after her children were at an age when they needed any parental support. I think there are a number of factors at play when somebody behaves this way:

(1) They are undoubtedly predisposed to worry and anxiety, but
(2) They may use worry as a means of attempting to control your behaviour, especially by laying on the guilt - "I'm sick worrying about you".
(3) Her worrying gives her a licence to talk about you to others. She can start a conversation about how much she's worried and then simply talk about your affairs, whether that's to you, your father, or to others.

I agree with Tinkerbell & Miss Fluff that the best strategy for you is to limit how much information you share with her. This also means minding your own emotions in her presence.

If she probes as to why you don't share with her the way you did when younger be honest and adult with her and let her know that you won't share with somebody who is not able to listen without judging. Re-assure her that you still love her as your mother, but be firm about not sharing details of your adult life with her.

If her behaviour improves then you could consider sharing a little more, but stop at the first sign of the return to worrying.


Be at peace,

Z