Sibling Favouritism - Very Very Unhappy

LegacyUser

I'm a 17 year old girl with two younger brothers aged 15 and 12 and I think my parents do not like me.

This isn't just some teenage idea I've thought up in my head after an argument and its not just me being angry with the world or feeling sorry for myself. I honestly don't think my parents, especially my mum, like me very much. Whenever there is an argument between me and one of my brothers my parents ALWAYS (no exceptions) take their side. If I involve myself ever so slightly in an small argument that they are having with my parents my mum will turn it around so I (who had no previous involvement in what they were discussing) am in the wrong. Whenever I bring home good school results there is never a 'well done' or a 'thats excellent', its always just a nod or a quick 'good' and they go straight back to whatever they were doing or sometimes they don't even look up.

Our family is relatively well off, obviously hit in the recession but myslef and my two brothers go to a good fee paying school. When ever I don't get good school results I am shouted at and they threaten to move me out of the school so they don't have to pay fees for me. Now my 15 year old brother fails several subjects and gets Cs and Ds in others and just doesn't bother himself a lot and not once has there EVER been a mention of moving him to a non fee paying school, they always say 'he's trying his best' or 'he's still very young theres lots of time' whereas when I was his age I would be terrified to come home with a bad result as they would say how dissappointed they were in me.

I am starting to get worried as this has started to really affect me. I think about it a lot of the time and I cry myself to sleep over it once or twice a week. I've also started thinking about self-harm and now after an argument I get so distraught and start hitting myself.

Can someone please give me some advice? I've tried talking to my parents about it but they just laugh at me and tell me not to be stupid. I'm just so unhappy right now
I'm not close to anyone really and I feel like I'm going to explode with the pain soon.

Please Help

tinkerbell

Oh OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you

Please do not self-harm, not only are you hurting from your parents' actions but you also are then hurting yourself over it.

I suggest you talk to your parents again, and start with "I have something very important to say that is starting to really affect me. Please do not laugh at me as you have done so before and it is making me think that you do not care about me". It's not fair the way your parents are treating you - perhaps they have higher standards / expectations for you than your brothers which is why they are doing the tough love thing on you, but that is not fair on you.

If things don't improve, at least look at it this way - in a year's time you'll presumably be in college, living away from home so won't have to put up with that crap 24/7.

You need to talk to them. Perhaps it will be the kick up the ass they need to stop treating you like that. But please OP, don't harm yourself - big hugs

The Lovely Muffin

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear about the way your parents a treating you, it is very unfair of them.

From the sounds of their behaviour it's like they have higher expectations of you because you are an only girl and also their eldest child, so maybe they expect you to lead/set a good example for both of your brothers.

As for the self-harming - please don't do it. Speak to your GP, a teacher, school counsellor, principle, anyone. Tell anyone at all, please don't keep it bottled up to yourself, that will do no good. It's not good or healthy for you to keep something like that bottled up.

As for your parents, I know you said you tried to speak to them, but try again. Write them a letter/note, if you can't face talking to them or feel they won't listen to you or will laugh at you etc.

Maybe if you write them a letter explaining how you feel, about the self harming etc, they will lay off a bit or talk to you and try to work through any issues.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do, I hope everything works out well for you. Good luck with your exams and results, I'm sure you'll do brilliantly.

Zen65

Miserable_ wrote: »

I'm a 17 year old girl with two younger brothers aged 15 and 12 and I think my parents do not like me.

I'm speaking as a parent with kids about the same ages as you and your brothers. I love all my children equally, but I do not treat them the same, because they are not the same. The way your parents interact with you will change as you get older, though you may hardly even be aware of this.

At 17 your parents expect your school results to be continually getting better, especially if they have been paying for a private school. They have invested an enormous amount of money to give you the best opportunity to achieve a high result in your Leaving Cert and at 17 they probably expect you to realise the importance of your studies. If your parents have income only through employment then they can mentally translate your school fee into the number of months per year for which they have to work to give you a private education. With each passing month they set higher expectations so that you rise to the challenge. It is in your best interest to do that.

For your younger brothers at their stage in education they expect and tolerate more childish behaviour, so they excuse and forgive more than they do of you. That is normal, and does not reflect on their love of you at all.

Of course your parents are just human, and as such they will make mistakes. They may not be adjusting comfortably with your move into adulthood and may feel that they are no longer sure about how to treat you. This is a new experience for them also, and they do not have all the answers. I struggle with this same problem myself with our kids, as most parents do. I have no doubt that my second and third child received an "easier ride" through life because my experiences with the eldest child helped me to learn how to be a better parent. Life is a learning experience at every age.

As for getting involved with arguments between your brothers and your parents, what you will eventually learn from this is to be slower to intervene, and what your parents will learn is to pay more attention to your words as you are (or should be) the "wisest" of their children and they will eventually seek your guidance in how to deal with your brothers....... but only if you demonstrate good sense in how you get involved.

Incidentally it's not uncommon for mothers to have a stronger maternal bond with their sons, but this is very different from having "less love" for you; it is simply a relationship that she finds easier to manage as adult-child. Sons typically maintain the adult-child relationship with their mothers for longer than daughters.

Being the eldest child in a family is difficult, especially in the teen years. The conflict between you and your parents is usually temporary and is typical of the move from adult-child to adult-adult relationship. You will be the child that they turn to first for help, which may seem unfair but is simply the unavoidable consequence of being the most trustworthy child. Please do not think that it is an attempt by them to put you down or to treat you less favourably. They are human, and flawed like all of us, and like you. You see these flaws more clearly now though it seems you perceive this as a lack of love. It is not; they love you every bit as much as they love your brothers.

What to do about it? Well it's up to you, how adult are you willing to be? Can you sit down some evening, say after bringing them in a cup of tea and ask for a chat? Can you tell them how you feel without allowing your emotions to overwhelm you so that you begin to verbally lash out? If you can have a conversation with them, staying as "adult" as you possibly can be, you may be able to help them in their role and improve your relationship enormously. They will continue to have expectations of you in terms of your school performance, and this really is for your own good, no matter how unfair it may seem.

Of course, bad parent-child relationships exist, but your OP suggests only that they are not treating you the same as your younger siblings, rather than that they are mistreating you. Allow them to explain why this is (I expect it will be for the reasons I have set out above) and let them know how it makes you feel. Don't expect them to change too much; they are right to have higher expectations of you. Parents who do not change their expectations of their kids as they age can quickly end up with socially maladjusted children.

Most importantly, do speak about this issue you have with self-harm. If not with your parents directly then with a school counsellor. The act of self-harming creates an illusion of control, but in fact it is the act which controls you, so the practice is very damaging for you. Get help to stop yourself from doing this.

I understand that this will sound trite, but life is short and you will be an independent adult very soon, with far greater control over your life and relationships. Use the time you have now to practise bringing your parental relationship along with you into adulthood in a way that supports you and them. In the next 10 years you may need their help in ways you cannot envisage, and in 20 years they will need your help in ways that will really challenge you.

Life is a wonderful experience. Be sure to spend your whole life experiencing it, and do not dwell too long on the bumps in the road because after you have travelled for some miles it will all seem flatter as you look back on it.

Be at peace,

Z

curlzy

Hey OP,

I don't like some of these replies at all, they're based on assumptions and other people's experience. Which isn't useful to you at all. We can be philosopical all we want but if this situation has gotton to the point that you are inflicting harm on yourself or thinking of it then it's gone too far.

If I were you OP, I would print out this thread and give your parents a copy. That is of course if you think they're smart enough to see major red flags. If you think that will do no good, just remember you are 18 soon, you can move out, go to college or get a job and get away from the toxic atmosphere. Once you're out from under them I would write them a long long letter telling them what you've told us here and how it's affected you, maybe then they'll change their behaviour.

The very best of luck OP.

Catch_22

curlzy wrote: »

If I were you OP, I would print out this thread and give your parents a copy.

exactly what i was going to say, definitely worth doing.

Big Bag of Chips

Have a look at the childline website. www.childline.ie you can contact them through the site - have a one-to-one online chat with someone who will listen and talk to you. You will be dealing with people who understand what is happening to you, and who might be able to make you understand what is happening too.

Please please don't self-harm. Stop hitting yourself, you are an intelligent and very articulate girl who has a range of options available. Your parents aren't doing a very good job with you at the moment, but sometimes parents invest all their energy in the first, and are a bit more lax with subsequent children (but are in the habit of being tougher on the first). That's why it's always tough being the eldest, and the youngest seems to get away with murder!

Mind yourself - have a look at the website. Talk to someone if you can. A friend, a teacher etc. Put yourself in another persons shoes, if you thought one of your friends were going through this, wouldn't you like them to talk to you. Or if you were a teacher wouldn't you hate to think that a student was going through something like this and felt like they had nobody to talk to.

I don't think your parents are bad people, I just think they don't know any better. They obviously don't understand the extent of damage they are causing to you. If they won't/can't listen to you, at least talk to someone who will.

I hope you can sort something out with this. Talk to someone who can guide you properly. And keep posting here to let of steam whenever you need!