Tips For Letting Go?

tigerblob

A couple of months ago the long-term relationship I was in ended. I'm actually doing very well and I'm happier in myself than ever. I still think that you can never get enough of good advice and I thought it would help other people to so I said I'd ask you guys: How do you let someone go?

I'm not in pieces about the relationship break up but I still do think about it and I still do miss him and while I'm trying to meet someone else I'm not really sure how to go about it as I started going out with this guy while we were still in school so things have changed.

Any general tips and advice for me and for people like me, who are not exactly in the throes of the immediate personal crisis that follows a break up, but are actually in the process of moving on but finding it ...not hard but not easy either?

wivy

i looked for advice here too when I was out of a LTR... the best advice I got was to cut all contact.. delete number, delete facebook, delete delete delete, cut contact with relatives etc.... BEST THING I EVER DID! six months later and i can say I'm completely over him..
Best of luck OP you'll get through this

Wibbs

Cutting contact if this is possible(no kids/work shared) as wivy said is by far the best method of letting go. At first it will be more difficult, but in the medium and long term it will make all the difference. As part and parcel of that get all the physical momentos of your time together, put them in a box and put them somewhere out of easy reach. Think of this as almost breaking an addiction. Reconnect with your pre relationship life. Old friends, hobbies etc. That makes a diff too. Realise most of all that this will pass, even if you have bumps in the road along the way.

Cheeky_gal

100% cut all contact, delete number, facebook etc as previous poster said.

It does work, but it does take a while - that's to be expected of course.

Best of luck OP

floorpie

I'm probably just past the stage you're talking about.

The advice in the thread so far is correct and good and etc. Cut contact, delete from facebook, separate your social circles, work on yourself, time heals all wounds, all that stuff.

But the problem with these things is, as important as they are to do, they aren't a 'solution', they only just help...but because they take effort to implement and stick to and because they're the number one tip, you sort of feel like they should be a solution. So then the situation arises that you've done/started all of those things, you've cut contact, it's been months/years since things ended, but periodically you regress and start feeling bad about the breakup again, except now you're all out of tips and, in my case anyway, you start to wonder whether there's something different about your situation which is *causing* you to regress. I.e. you might think that, because you still miss them even though it's been a while, they were a better catch than you thought, or it might make you mull things over more than you should.

Well a friend gave me some insight/advice with regard to this, and in retrospect she was totally right, and it's the one thing that helped me maintain a level-headedness, summarizing drastically: the upset/sadness of it all seems to hit in waves. You can have implemented all of the above and think everything's going great, and then, all of a sudden, a wave of nostalgia hits for seemingly no reason and doesn't go away for a week or two. Gradually the amount of time between each wave increases until you're back to your old (but improved) self. So eh, i think it's important (or it was very important to me) to accept that this wavy process is going to happen no matter what, and when it does, know that you were expecting it, and don't start rationalizing a new wave of 'missing them' as being any more significant than it is; it doesn't mean you have to get back with em or that you've 'lost' something, it just means you're healing.

Basically what Wibbs said in his last sentence!

Eh on a slightly more pessimistic note, i read in some sort of pop-sociology book one time that people don't tend to 'move on' from the mindset of being in a particular relationship until they start to basically dislike the other person, and be more aware of the faults of the relationship than the good points. At first i thought "na i can be all progressive and altruistic and understand that, even though we've broken up, they were still a good partner and the relationship was good", but gradually i've realised that...you (or i) just can't really think both ways at the same time; if you try to be all noble and attempt to move on while letting yourself miss/appreciate the good parts, the good parts will be the only thing on your mind, and it wont be possible to move on properly. Save the altruism for later, and realise for now that they were far from perfect.

Miss Fluff

Agreed with the above, cutting contact is the only way.

tigerblob wrote: »

I'm not in pieces about the relationship break up but I still do think about it and I still do miss him and while I'm trying to meet someone else I'm not really sure how to go about it

I do however think the above is worth addressing. You said you literally out of this long-term relationship a couple of short months ago so why the need to meet someone else? If you've been involved with one person since your school days, taking some time out to be by yourself is a really good thing. While you're doing well and you're not crushed by the break-up, you're still evidently sad about it and I don't think it at all fair to bring that into another new relationship. I also think it's important for you to function as a stand-alone entity for a while and not jump from one relationship to another.

nlk

I'm also out of a LTR (8 years) two months ago. I guess I feel in a similar place. Not devastated but not over it either.

Whilst I don't have any objective perspective on the whole thing as yet, I agree with all the other posters. No contact, whilst difficult, is definitely helping me.

I really second what floorpie said about accepting that you are not going to feel great all the time but especially about not looking at your relationship or the person as a positive thing that you have lost.

I posted on here when we first broke up. I was devastated but advised in my post that although my ex did the breaking, he was not at fault or hadn't done anything wrong. However I have applied a lot of critical thinking to my former relationship and with the help of a counsellor I have realised that there was a lot wrong and a lot of it was down to my ex.

I have also accepted my role in things, admitted that I am responsible for accepting less than I should have for so many years.

Without being critical you will always have your ex and old relationship on a pedastal.

I too would like to date (just for fun and a bit of an ego boost I guess) but I find it quite daunting. I can't speak for you but I know that it is too soon for me. I need to heal before opening myself up to anyone.

Good luck with it all.

floorpie

nlk wrote: »

I posted on here when we first broke up. I was devastated but advised in my post that although my ex did the breaking, he was not at fault or hadn't done anything wrong. However I have applied a lot of critical thinking to my former relationship and with the help of a counsellor I have realised that there was a lot wrong and a lot of it was down to my ex.

I have also accepted my role in things, admitted that I am responsible for accepting less than I should have for so many years.

Yeah that's the exact process i've found myself going through, and then i remembered reading that thing years before in the book, re-read it, and it basically said that it's a process you *must* go through. But a lot of advice ye see online suggests an almost 'moral highground' type of approach, which wouldn't be compatible with thinking realistically about their faults, and with learning to unlike them, but i think it's necessary (for me it was anyway).

tigerblob

floorpie wrote: »

Well a friend gave me some insight/advice with regard to this, and in retrospect she was totally right, and it's the one thing that helped me maintain a level-headedness, summarizing drastically: the upset/sadness of it all seems to hit in waves. You can have implemented all of the above and think everything's going great, and then, all of a sudden, a wave of nostalgia hits for seemingly no reason and doesn't go away for a week or two. Gradually the amount of time between each wave increases until you're back to your old (but improved) self. So eh, i think it's important (or it was very important to me) to accept that this wavy process is going to happen no matter what, and when it does, know that you were expecting it, and don't start rationalizing a new wave of 'missing them' as being any more significant than it is; it doesn't mean you have to get back with em or that you've 'lost' something, it just means you're healing.

Basically what Wibbs said in his last sentence!

Eh on a slightly more pessimistic note, i read in some sort of pop-sociology book one time that people don't tend to 'move on' from the mindset of being in a particular relationship until they start to basically dislike the other person, and be more aware of the faults of the relationship than the good points. At first i thought "na i can be all progressive and altruistic and understand that, even though we've broken up, they were still a good partner and the relationship was good", but gradually i've realised that...you (or i) just can't really think both ways at the same time; if you try to be all noble and attempt to move on while letting yourself miss/appreciate the good parts, the good parts will be the only thing on your mind, and it wont be possible to move on properly. Save the altruism for later, and realise for now that they were far from perfect.

Thanks for all your replies, and floorpie, this bit was particularly good. I totally understand what you mean by the way the waves of missing them hits you, but I thought that this was me being weak, and when the waves hit me, I thought they wouldn't go away ever. But actually now that you've pointed it out, I'm prepared for when it happens the next time, and I know that it's normal and that it will go away too.

I also get what you're saying about disliking them too. I still loved him until very recently but now I can honestly say I don't any more, and that I actually don't like him. I've realised what a nasty person he really was.

I have, as per everyone's advice, cut all contact as of tonight. I deleted and blocked him on Facebook, and I deleted and blocked the "friends" who took his side in the breakup. I was friends with him to be civil and take the moral high ground but actually, why should I be friends with him? He treated me terribly. I then deleted all his pictures from my profile - I still have the memories of the last few years in my head but I don't think they need to be up there for all the world to see.

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I do however think the above is worth addressing. You said you literally out of this long-term relationship a couple of short months ago so why the need to meet someone else? If you've been involved with one person since your school days, taking some time out to be by yourself is a really good thing. While you're doing well and you're not crushed by the break-up, you're still evidently sad about it and I don't think it at all fair to bring that into another new relationship. I also think it's important for you to function as a stand-alone entity for a while and not jump from one relationship to another.

I do see your point and I'm not rushing into anything for the sake of it, but I enjoy being in a relationship. I also feel that I actually dealt with this and learned to be my own person at lightening pace so while three months doesn't sound like a very long time, I am actually a completely different, better person than what I was three months ago. So like I said: I'm not rushing into anything for the sake of it, but I would like to find someone all the same.

G-Money

I'm a firm believe in cutting contact fully. Occasionally that's not possible if there are children, mortgages etc, but if there's none of that, then cutting contact is the best way. As others have said, delete everything - pictures, numbers, emails, Facebook, MSN, Skype, anything and everything. I even went as far as to delete songs that a particular girl introduced to me as in my head they had become something that identified me and her together.

It might seem cold, but who cares? It's unreasonable and selfish of an ex to want or expect you to keep things that remind you of them, so don't fall for the guilt trip. Also, don't make up false excuses in your head for why you can't cut contact. Not saying you are doing that but I think some people do, and it's really them holding out hope that they will get back together.

One other thing, don't feel pressurised into "just being friends". Some people suggest that when a breakup happens, usually as they feel bad for initiating the break. Occasionally though it's for more selfish reasons. I would avoid trying to be friends with an ex at all costs. Like I've said before, it's not acceptable to pressure someone into being in a relationship with you so why is it acceptable to pressure someone into being friends? Answer - it's not.

All the best.

LegacyUser

My girlfriend was with her ex for 8 years,we met a couple of months after they broke up. So ive seen it all. Ive gone through the process myself too. Deffo cut ALL contact. But i just want to let you know this. You will get to that place you want to be. It happens in stages.You get to six month apart and you think your over him...then 6 months later you go,ah jaysus i wasnt over him at all then, i am now tho haha. My girlfriend thought her ex was THE ONE. She just couldnt imagine anybody else out there who may be better for her than him. But guess what, she found me It was a long and hard process, but now she just laughs and thinks, what was i doing with him??????? You WILL get to that place too. It just takes time. Just give it time, thats the best advice you can take on board. Cut all contact, start thinking about all the wrong that was in the relationship,realise you deserve better,and just let time heal.