Help!!

canonball5

So I'm not sure what advice if any i am looking for, but here goes,

I work in an office with 14 girls and myself and another guy. We are all under 30. Recently (2 months) ago a new girl started that sits beside me. When she started i was really busy and never got to really chat with her. A couple of weeks ago we got chatting and we started really flirting with each other.

We had a real spark, and both reall fancy each other. Last week she seen me walking to work and got off the Luas so she could walk in with me and it was freezing that morning.
That evening was our Christams party and I was not able to attend. The next morning the girls in the office were saying she was asking questions about me..

Great you would think, until...

We're both in long term relationships (me 7yrs & her 2 yrs). My girlfriend wants to get engaged and I know in my heart she is not "the one". The girl in work has said she is not happy with her boyfriend and they never really see each other and he lives an hours drive away.

She is gone home for Christmas and I'm counting down the days until we are back in work until I can see her again.

Am i being a total tool here?? I fear I know the answer !!!

tinkerbell

Your post isn't very clear - your girlfriend wants to get engaged but you know she's not the one? Or is the new girl at work not the one?

If you never intend marrying your gf then you should be telling her this - this is the issue you should be addressing first, not flirting with the newest girl in the office.

canonball5

tinkerbell wrote: »

Your post isn't very clear - your girlfriend wants to get engaged but you know she's not the one? Or is the new girl at work not the one?

If you never intend marrying your gf then you should be telling her this - this is the issue you should be addressing first, not flirting with the newest girl in the office.

My girlfriend wants to get engaged, yes.

It's not a case of the newest girl in the office.

Colonel Panic

Putting aside the girl in work for a minute...

You're in a 7 year relationship with someone who isn't the one. Now, I'm sure there are complications, but what are you doing with her? Have you talked to her?

tinkerbell

Well she is new, you said that yourself.

Why are you staying with your girlfriend if you want different things? You shouldn't be with her if you're thinking of someone else and don't want to be with her. Stop wasting her time, she's given you 7 years now, let her find someone who actually wants to be with her.

The Lovely Muffin

I agree with others here OP.

Personally I think you sound very selfish, you are with your girlfriend for seven years, you know she wants to get engaged, you know she is not the one and you are still with her? That is beyond selfish, in my opinion.

You need to grow a pair and talk with your girlfriend and let her go so she can find someone who'll love her and want to marry her, she does not deserve to be strung along by you because you haven't the balls to speak to her and do the decent thing.

canonball5 wrote: »

Am i being a total tool here?? I fear I know the answer !!!

Yes, you are being a 'total tool' as you put it and yes, you do the answer.

You also know you should do the right thing. I only hope for your girlfriend sake you do it soon.

fluffybiscuits

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

I agree with others here OP.

Personally I think you sound very selfish, you are with your girlfriend for seven years, you know she wants to get engaged, you know she is not the one and you are still with her? That is beyond selfish, in my opinion.

You need to grow a pair and talk with your girlfriend and let her go so she can find someone who'll love her and want to marry her, she does not deserve to be strung along by you because you haven't the balls to speak to her and do the decent thing.

Yes, you are being a 'total tool' as you put it and yes, you do the answer.

You also know you should do the right thing. I only hope for your girlfriend sake you do it soon.

Sorry but we are not hear to judge a person, we dont know outside circumstances so with all due respect I think referring to them as selfish is wide of the mark. As for the OP, well you said it yourself. You know she is not the one and that clearly makes it obvious what needs to be done. None of us like doing but what is the point in being miserable? You have a life to lead and she does too so perhaps its time to call it a day. Best wishes though and sincerely hope it all goes well for you mate

The Lovely Muffin

fluffybiscuits wrote: »

Sorry but we are not hear to judge a person, we dont know outside circumstances so with all due respect I think referring to them as selfish is wide of the mark. As for the OP, well you said it yourself. You know she is not the one and that clearly makes it obvious what needs to be done. None of us like doing but what is the point in being miserable? You have a life to lead and she does too so perhaps its time to call it a day. Best wishes though and sincerely hope it all goes well for you mate

I stated that I personally believe the OP is very selfish, which I stand by.

What man who is not selfish spends seven years with a women whom he knows is not the one, yet he know she wants to get married and understandably believes he wants the same.

That IS selfish in my opinion.

fluffybiscuits

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

I stated that I personally believe the OP is very selfish, which I stand by.

What man who is not selfish spends seven years with a women whom he knows is not the one, yet he know she wants to get married and understandably believes he wants the same.

That IS selfish in my opinion.

OK We'll beg to differ on that one Bobbin , dont want to drag the thread off topic. He has pretty much answered his own question, he knows she is not the one and has said it himself in his post ....

Eric Cartman

To be fair to the op , if people Only went out with people they wanted to marry nobody would ever have a relationship , the marraige issue could only be a recent thing whereas everybody here is acting like shes been begging for him to propose since day 1

Doc Ruby

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

What man who is not selfish spends seven years with a women whom he knows is not the one, yet he know she wants to get married and understandably believes he wants the same.

That IS selfish in my opinion.

Its easy to get stuck in a comfortable rut though, purely through inertia. While I agree that its time to move on, I wouldn't neccessarily call it selfish.

Doc Ruby

sunflower27 wrote: »

There is being in a rut and pining over catching up with another woman. There is a big difference in my mind.

Yeah but being selfish by definition is only thinking of yourself. There are lots of other possible reasons he might have stayed that long in a relationship, mutual friends, maybe the SO has problems, family pressure, not being able to see the wood for the trees, and so on.

Seems like a bit of a snap judgement is all I'm saying.

fluffybiscuits

Doc Ruby wrote: »

Yeah but being selfish by definition is only thinking of yourself. There are lots of other possible reasons he might have stayed that long in a relationship, mutual friends, maybe the SO has problems, family pressure, not being able to see the wood for the trees, and so on.

Seems like a bit of a snap judgement is all I'm saying.

Very much so a snap judgement. Outside circumstances are not known and we can only go on the basis of what we know.

canonball5

Hey OP here, we have a lot of circumstances that I would rather not go into here.

I know how upset she would be if I did tell her and I care about her too much to do that.

I would also most certainly loose my family (parents & siblings) too.

For the people who call me selfish I totally agree with you...

fluffybiscuits

canonball5 wrote: »

Hey OP here, we have a lot of circumstances that I would rather not go into here.

I know how upset she would be if I did tell her and I care about her too much to do that.

I would also most certainly loose my family (parents & siblings) too.

For the people who call me selfish I totally agree with you...

Why would you lose them? Are they vicariously living their life through you or something?

The Lovely Muffin

canonball5 wrote: »

Hey OP here, we have a lot of circumstances that I would rather not go into here.

I know how upset she would be if I did tell her and I care about her too much to do that.

I would also most certainly loose my family (parents & siblings) too.

For the people who call me selfish I totally agree with you...

I'm sorry, but I disagree with "I care too much to do that" who/what do you care too much about?

Your girlfriend, your/her family, friends, new girl in the office? I personally believe that if you really, really loved your girlfriend you would do the right thing and leave her and let her meet someone who'll love her and want to marry her and vice versa.

Why would you love your family for splitting with your girlfriend?

You and your girlfriends relationship is your business and no one else's and you shouldn't stay together just for the sake of keeping the family/families happy. Your own happiness should comes first, not your families.

I really cannot understand why you would lose your family over this.

Do you intend on marrying your girlfriend? Maybe even have kids? Could you honestly continue like this?

What happens when the new girl returns after Christmas? What if you develop feelings for her and something happened between the two of you? Would you continue on as you are and lie to your girlfriend and both your families?

I'm sorry you feel you would lose your family over it, but I still cannot understand why you'd lose your family over something that is none of their business anyway.

tinkerbell

canonball5 wrote: »

Hey OP here, we have a lot of circumstances that I would rather not go into here.

I know how upset she would be if I did tell her and I care about her too much to do that.

I would also most certainly loose my family (parents & siblings) too.

For the people who call me selfish I totally agree with you...

OP your reasons are ridiculous. You don't care for her at all - you want to be with another woman! That there rules out any caring feelings you have for your girlfriend.

Your family have nothing to do with your relationship, that is a total cop out. Is it that your family really love your girlfriend and treat her like she's part of the family? They'll get over it. You are making up these stupid excuses when really what you are doing is really lousy.

Of course your girlfriend is going to be upset if you tell her the truth. You've been going out with her for seven years, she wants to get engaged - it's going to crush her knowing that her boyfriend of seven years has no intention of getting engaged because you don't think the world of her and have been stringing her along when she thinks a commitment is down the line, and you also want to be with someone else. Man up and do the right thing.

dellas1979

Well, I guess in short think of the posssible outcomes for everyone.

- Ye start an office fling while still with partners. Goes no where.
- Ye start an office fling while still with partner. Someone finds out. All hell breaks loose.
- You break up with your girlfriend, the one you say you love but string along. You give her an opportunity to find someone who is in love with her and wants to marry her. You give yourself the oportunity to find someone you do love.
- You stay with your girlfriend for God knows what reasons, get married when you dont really want to, string it along for a while. Then have affair/break down etc because you cant get your head around why you didnt stop it in the first place.

Your decision here will change lives no doubt, but make the decision for the right reason. Do the right thing. Not the easy thing.

C-J

Must be the 7 year itch! If i even knew that my boyfriend of 4 years was THINKING that way about a colleague i'd be absolutely heart broken. Do your poor girlfriend a favour, its better now than 5 years down the line when you're married with kids and your trousers over rule your brain again

karaokeman

Your problem is very vague OP.

I can't really comment on the whole family issue. Is it that you're staying with your girlfriend because her parents think you two make a nice couple? You go out with a girl because you love her and because you want to spend time with her.

Your girlfriend should be the person your looking forward to seeing. If you don't like her the same way as this girl in work just tell her you don't think things are working out and you can't see a future life together down the line. Try and be polite and sincere about it, don't blame her for anything just make it very casual and mention nothing about your colleague.

Sure she will be upset if you let her know but wouldn't she feel worse if you carried on clinging to this new girl who you "can't wait to see again".

niceoneted

Please please please OP if the girl you are currently with is not the one and you genuinely do not want to be with her, man up and tell her. You may think in your head that she will not handle it or you may lose you family or whatever but you have to be honest with yourself and her. I am watching friend after friend separate - all with kids - where there is a real mess. Some not all say they knew before they married they shouldn't.

Everyone will get through it. Stop be selfish. Don't even consider the girl at work until you sort your current relationship.

Best wished to you.

fluffybiscuits

niceoneted wrote: »

Please please please OP if the girl you are currently with is not the one and you genuinely do not want to be with her, man up and tell her. You may think in your head that she will not handle it or you may lose you family or whatever but you have to be honest with yourself and her. I am watching friend after friend separate - all with kids - where there is a real mess. Some not all say they knew before they married they shouldn't.

Everyone will get through it. Stop be selfish. Don't even consider the girl at work until you sort your current relationship.

Best wished to you.

Hilarious everyone is calling him selfish, lets not judge lads eh....

Beruthiel

fluffybiscuits wrote: »

Hilarious everyone is calling him selfish, lets not judge lads eh....

fluffybiscuits,
Please read this forums Charter.
The next off topic, unhelpful comment will get you banned.

curlzy

Wow, selfish doesn't even cover it really. OP TBH I think you should break with your girlfriend and get with the office girl because:

a) your girlfriend deserves better than you.
b) the girl in your office sounds like she has the same level of loyalty and respect for her partner as you do for yours. Sounds like you'd be well matched.

Beruthiel

canonball5 wrote: »

My girlfriend wants to get engaged and I know in my heart she is not "the one".

Then finish with her.
You are wasting her time and preventing her from finding someone who does think 'she is the one'.
If she is hoping for children in the future, you are also closing her window on that score too.

theg81der

OP - do you have a child with this woman is that the tie?
If you slept with the girl in the office I will the shine might go off the whole thing? Were you like this at the start of the relationship with your girlfriend or was it always much more friends like?

If you believe that ths is not a patern and you think you could commit to someone else then you need to not hold your girlfriend up any longer because as well as you think your hiding it I`m sure she has an incling deep down and is not being loved the way she deserves. For you family to think so highly of her she must be amazing ut if they really care about both of you they will understand when they see you both moved on and really truely happy.

canonball5

Just a quick update for what its worth. I have decided to sit down with my girlfriend in the new year. I've not slept or eaten in a few days with the thoughts of what I have to do.
My girlfriend is not Irish and will take my son back to her country when I tell her. This is the only reason I have not done it sooner and is certain to happen! (she has said it before)
On the family front the above reason will destroy them as he is the only grandson and they adore him. They will NEVER forgive me for this (I'm not aggregating)
We also have a home in each country which is another headache.

For those who say I'm selfish for wasting her time. I really did beleive I was in love but over time we have become more like roommates than lovers. I have thought about the girl in work a lot and I'm not going to pursue that avenue. I don't know anything about her and she is in a relationship after all

CathyMoran

You owe it to your son to at least get relationship councelling. Best wishes.

tinkerbell

^^ What Cathy said. Perhaps just the same ol routine has got you both stuck in a rut. There was a spark there before between you, it may be possible to reignite it again. Why don't you suggest relationship counselling? You should at least try, especially for your child's sake.