The 10 signs that you’ve become a Londoner

Scarinae

I saw this blog entry about London - anyone recognise themselves yet?

The 10 signs that you’ve become a Londoner

Remember when you moved to London? It seemed so exciting. A real 24 hour city, alive with possibilities. You gazed in wonder at the majestic buildings of the West End rising high in the air — like your hopes and dreams — reaching to heaven.
Well, what happened? I’ll tell you what happened. You became busy. Worse — you became a Londoner.
If you recognise yourself in any of the following, you need a week away in the country. And no, I don’t mean Hampstead Heath. I mean the real country. Yeah, somewhere they don’t have a tube. Scary, huh?

1. You no longer look up
Well obviously when I moved here I did a little sightseeing, but nowadays, I don’t have time to stroll around looking at pretty buildings. I have to get to work! I’m busy — and important! What are all these tourists looking at anyway? Move!

2. Waiting more than three minutes for a tube is absolutely preposterous
WHAT? FOUR minutes? But I have a meeting to get to! Why the hell do I pay all this money for a season ticket if I’m forced to break my stride and stand still for that long? I’m very busy and extremely important! And I’ve had five Starbucks today for chrissakes! I need to walk it off! Sack Boris Johnson!

3. Everyone walks too damn slow
God, get out of my frigging way! Really, I’m writing to City Hall to propose they introduce fast and slow lanes on all pavements. Everywhere. Even in my cul-de-sac. I’m far too busy and important to be held up by leisurely walkers. You’re obviously unemployed. Or a tourist.

4. The Underground is a battleground
Dear foolish day-trippers who stand in all the exits to study the maps: don’t you know you’re going to end up deaf from our crescendo of passive-aggressive tutting as we walk past? Seriously, it’ll be off the Richter scale in a minute if you don’t move.
Actually, while we’re on the subject, I swear I’m going to batter the next fcuktard who waits till they get to the fcuking barrier before they look for their Oyster Card!
And yes. Please do stop dead after you’ve gone through while you decide where to go next — you know how it thrills me to be on the bottom of a seven-person pile up behind you.
And of course I don’t mind you dragging that wheelie case behind you as you meander from side to side, blissfully unaware of the amount of space you’re taking up.
But please, just stand on the right of the escalator, you moron! I have to get past, and by golly I’ll push if I have to! Did you not hear me before? I’m busy! And important! Gah!

5. You think anywhere outside Zone 2 is too far to travel
Crystal Palace? Where’s that? Is that in Zone two? Zone three, you say? Oh, gosh no. I’m far too busy to travel all that way! I mean it’s miles! Can I even get a signal on my BlackBerry in Crystal Palace? I’m snowed you know. I have calls to take!

6. It surprises you to meet people who have English as a first language
You mean you were actually born here? How weird! I thought you’d be from Poland. Or Brazil. Anyway, got to cut this short I’m afraid. So busy

7. Purple hair and ballet tutus are acceptable attire
Well, of course not for me, but I no longer blink in surprise when they float past me in Sainsbury’s. Although I have been itching to try something more daring…
In fact, when I get my next haircut, unless it’s going in four different directions and I can’t see out from under my fringe, I’m not paying for it. OK?
Skinny jeans and dirty, ripped T shirts? I should jolly well hope so! Let’s all fcuk off to Shoreditch and practice looking bored.

8. You feel superior to non Londoners
How much for three pints of beer? Seven pounds, you say? Oh, that’s hilarious! In London, seven quid wouldn’t even buy you one! Oh, I want to move here! But on my London salary. Haw haw.
Look! You even have self-service checkouts! How quaint! Yeah, we had those in London ages ago. They’re really great for me when I have to fly in and out because I’m sooo busy. And really, hideously important.
What was that? You coughed, but I could have sworn you just called me a twat…?

9. Fresh air smells funny
Oh, my God, that’s so weird. I just blew my nose and my snot wasn’t black! Mind if I stand in your garage with the car engine running for a bit? My nostrils are burning from all this excess oxygen and I feel rather sick.

10. You find the sound of sirens comforting
Silence is unnerving, and anyway, at least it means the police are doing their job. Sort of. What was that bang? Not a gunshot, surely. Must have been a car backfiring. I’ll know tomorrow anyway because I won’t be able to move for police tape. Although it had better not make me late for work. I’m stacked at the moment.

Fysh

Fishie wrote: »

8. You feel superior to non Londoners
How much for three pints of beer? Seven pounds, you say? Oh, that’s hilarious! In London, seven quid wouldn’t even buy you one! Oh, I want to move here! But on my London salary. Haw haw.
Look! You even have self-service checkouts! How quaint! Yeah, we had those in London ages ago. They’re really great for me when I have to fly in and out because I’m sooo busy. And really, hideously important.
What was that? You coughed, but I could have sworn you just called me a twat…?

Weirdly enough, I think the "Irish in London" experience is the other way around. Certainly the last couple of times I've been back to Cork to head out I've found myself moaning about how most places I'd head for a pint here are cheaper than they are in Cork (which is the sort of thing that makes me wonder if someone's spiked my drink, quite frankly - because it certainly shouldn't be happening in a normal world...).

That being said, I recognise more of myself than I care to admit in that Tube station entry...:o

BraziliaNZ

10 signs you've become a d*ckhead more like

Jack B. Badd

People walked way too slow before I moved to London tbh. Slow lanes would just be enabling them. I say they shouldn't be allowed to leave the house until they can prove they can & will hit a reasonable minimal speed. Time to email Boris!

djpbarry

Fysh wrote: »

Certainly the last couple of times I've been back to Cork to head out I've found myself moaning about how most places I'd head for a pint here are cheaper than they are in Cork...

I do that when I go back to Dublin, but with regard to food rather than drink.

"You want me to pay how much for this mediocrity?"

getz

11,you believe there is nothing north of watford,12, a cow is a strange animal.13,if someone talks to you ,run [he must be madman].14, real ale is a spanish football team,

Bagel

Fishie wrote: »

9. Fresh air smells funny
Oh, my God, that’s so weird. I just blew my nose and my snot wasn’t black! Mind if I stand in your garage with the car engine running for a bit? My nostrils are burning from all this excess oxygen and I feel rather sick.

I remember being revolted when I moved to London that my snot was black - after 6 months it stops - think your nose packs in and doesn't bother filtering out all the dirt so it just goes straight to your lungs!

who the fug

Fishie wrote: »

2. Waiting more than three minutes for a tube is absolutely preposterous
WHAT? FOUR minutes? But I have a meeting to get to! Why the hell do I pay all this money for a season ticket if I’m forced to break my stride and stand still for that long? I’m very busy and extremely important! And I’ve had five Starbucks today for chrissakes! I need to walk it off! Sack Boris Johnson!

3. Everyone walks too damn slow
God, get out of my frigging way! Really, I’m writing to City Hall to propose they introduce fast and slow lanes on all pavements. Everywhere. Even in my cul-de-sac. I’m far too busy and important to be held up by leisurely walkers. You’re obviously unemployed. Or a tourist.

4. The Underground is a battleground
Dear foolish day-trippers who stand in all the exits to study the maps: don’t you know you’re going to end up deaf from our crescendo of passive-aggressive tutting as we walk past? Seriously, it’ll be off the Richter scale in a minute if you don’t move.
Actually, while we’re on the subject, I swear I’m going to batter the next fcuktard who waits till they get to the fcuking barrier before they look for their Oyster Card!
And yes. Please do stop dead after you’ve gone through while you decide where to go next — you know how it thrills me to be on the bottom of a seven-person pile up behind you.
And of course I don’t mind you dragging that wheelie case behind you as you meander from side to side, blissfully unaware of the amount of space you’re taking up.
But please, just stand on the right of the escalator, you moron! I have to get past, and by golly I’ll push if I have to! Did you not hear me before? I’m busy! And important! Gah!

This is moi

Them bags on wheels drive me flipping gaga about ten times a day

who the fug

14

Ken is Cant for getting rid of the Route Master

BraziliaNZ

who the fug wrote: »

14

Ken is Cant for getting rid of the Route Master

Haven't you heard of the Boris Bus?

who the fug

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Haven't you heard of the Boris Bus?

One effing bus does not a Routemaster return make

Also it has closing doors at the back, so it will be fug all use

BraziliaNZ

who the fug wrote: »

One effing bus does not a Routemaster return make

Also it has closing doors at the back, so it will be fug all use

Well I think the normal buses here are great. Y'all need to lighten up, it's a big mess of a city but they run it well.

who the fug

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Well I think the normal buses here are great. Y'all need to lighten up, it's a big mess of a city but they run it well.

Please promised to to re visit the above post in ten years.

Marcusm

getz wrote: »

11,you believe there is nothing north of watford,12, a cow is a strange animal.13,if someone talks to you ,run [he must be madman].14, real ale is a spanish football team,

CLearly you are not a true Londoner as you would know that the phrase is nothing north of Watford Gap! FYI, Watford Gap is about 60 miles further north!!

getz

Marcusm wrote: »

CLearly you are not a true Londoner as you would know that the phrase is nothing north of Watford Gap! FYI, Watford Gap is about 60 miles further north!!

recheck recheck,i live near blackpool and my post code is fy6, must be far out from london

who the fug

getz wrote: »

recheck recheck,i live near blackpool and my post code is fy6, must be far out from london

Never heard of the place

getz

who the fug wrote: »

Never heard of the place

we are the ones with the flat caps and whippets,and we eat londoners for breakfast.

livlondon

How about 11 - You haven't been to Oxford Street in 2 years.

who the fug

getz wrote: »

we are the ones with the flat caps and whippets,and we eat londoners for breakfast.

Judging by the price of beer in Manchester two weeks ago I believe you


flat caps and whippets

Is that not Yorkshire

getz

who the fug wrote: »

Judging by the price of beer in Manchester two weeks ago I believe you


flat caps and whippets

Is that not Yorkshire

i pat £1 40 for a pint in fleetwood, flat caps and whippets is also lancashire, i try not to go down to the big smoke if i can help it,to many posers

growler

I can see a lot of that being true, except I do seem to meet a lot of native londoners and have now reached the age where zone 2 is considered a den of drug dealing scum, constant sirens and overly loud music and have departed (with all of my fellow irish friends) for the leafy suburbs of zones 4 /5, children and larger kitchens. It did take me almost a month to get used to the siren free nights !

stupid tourist, stand on the on the right dumbass, can't you read english.. except in hammersmith where you have to walk on the left ..

emeraldstar

growler wrote: »

stupid tourist, stand on the on the right dumbass, can't you read english.. except in hammersmith where you have to walk on the left ..

...Hammersmith and everywhere else?!

getz

growler wrote: »

I can see a lot of that being true, except I do seem to meet a lot of native londoners and have now reached the age where zone 2 is considered a den of drug dealing scum, constant sirens and overly loud music and have departed (with all of my fellow irish friends) for the leafy suburbs of zones 4 /5, children and larger kitchens. It did take me almost a month to get used to the siren free nights !

stupid tourist, stand on the on the right dumbass, can't you read english.. except in hammersmith where you have to walk on the left ..

i think most of the real londoners have escaped to the north, for a better quality of life,cheap housing,beer,birds singing [not coughing] and good football teams.

who the fug

getz wrote: »

i think most of the real londoners have escaped to the north, for a better quality of life,cheap housing,beer,birds singing [not coughing] and good football teams.

Cheeky Cockneys feeding the starving masses section of Maggies Care in the Community policy

getz

who the fug wrote: »

Cheeky Cockneys feeding the starving masses section of Maggies Care in the Community policy

last time i met a real cockney it was in the 60s, maggy that was the cow who sold a part of london for a pound,

eilo1

I think you are truly a Londoner when you turn into the people who used to see you clutching your A to Z and avoid your innocent/worried eye contact, to avoid giving you directions!

who the fug

getz wrote: »

last time i met a real cockney it was in the 60s, maggy that was the cow who sold a part of london for a pound,

No the graveyards for a £1 was Shirley (I be poor) Porter, who I would have strung up till every brass farthing of that fine was paid

getz

who the fug wrote: »

No the graveyards for a £1 was Shirley (I be poor) Porter, who I would have strung up till every brass farthing of that fine was paid

i do have to admit i loved my london years,lived in ladbrook grove,the bush and hammersmith,then i became a adult and moved to manchester,

growler

emeraldstar wrote: »

...Hammersmith and everywhere else?!

Hammersmith is the only tube station where i've seen it explicity stated , maybe Green Park & Finsbury Park also, but most others I frequent , kings cross, manor house, angel, fulham broadway don't seem to? maybe i just haven't noticed.

Very North London / Hertfordshire is full of proper londoners and emigrated cockneys these days.

The other 'orrible londoner trait is the ability to feign sleep when on the tube / train to avoid giving your seat to the pregnant, maimed, infirm, ancient.

who the fug

growler wrote: »

Hammersmith is the only tube station where i've seen it explicity stated , maybe Green Park & Finsbury Park also, but most others I frequent , kings cross, manor house, angel, fulham broadway don't seem to? maybe i just haven't noticed.

Very North London / Hertfordshire is full of proper londoners and emigrated cockneys these days.

The other 'orrible londoner trait is the ability to feign sleep when on the tube / train to avoid giving your seat to the pregnant, maimed, infirm, ancient.

Not feign, we have just tuned out .

Rush hour is my Lauren Bacall fantasy world time

later12

Fishie wrote: »

4. The Underground is a battleground
Dear foolish day-trippers who stand in all the exits to study the maps: don’t you know you’re going to end up deaf from our crescendo of passive-aggressive tutting as we walk past?

I do this, with an added "for f*ck sake!"as I stomp around them. The weird thing is I'm usually on time anyway, it's just that the tube makes you feel like you should be hurrying.